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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

168 replies

ididntmeanit · 15/05/2020 13:24

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love Smile

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying Blush

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me Shock

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

OP posts:
ididntmeanit · 13/06/2020 21:57

I'm just trying, really really trying. But any reasoning never helps. I am physically safe yes , I think. I have my headphones in with music. But emotionally in battered. The blame is all on me. The things I've said he has done, it's all me. And it really isn't. Really.

OP posts:
wiltingflower · 13/06/2020 22:00

Zero tenderness isn't good, it wears down a person in the long term. Personally I would have to walk away.

category12 · 13/06/2020 22:02

Call the police, have him removed from your home. It's not your fault.

MattBerrysHair · 13/06/2020 22:04

Call the police and get him removed. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make this relationship any better, not a thing, and you know this. Keeping yourself safe from harm, emotional and physical, should be your priority now, even if your heart is telling you to stay with him and minimise the abuse.

ididntmeanit · 13/06/2020 22:08

It's so so difficult though because I love him and am terrified of being without him, more terrified of being hurt. Surely someone will come along who gets this pleas.

OP posts:
itsme · 13/06/2020 22:17

him throwing you across the room because you went to slap him in what I presume was self defence is awful behaviour. Regardless of what you say this is abuse. He has hurt you not only physically but mentally. I would call the police too, are your children there?

category12 · 13/06/2020 22:17

It doesn't matter how much you love him, OP - he's assaulted you. He's crossed a line, and it'll happen again and again. You've only been with him a few months, you lived just fine without him before.

Plenty of women "get it", have been through it, 2 a week have died from it.

Takingontheworld · 13/06/2020 22:21

Jesus. This just went to whole new level of Absolutely. Not.

OP you cannot be serious. This is not a good relationship. You went to slap him - not okay
And in return he seriously injured you.

No one is going to come along and tell you it's okay.

But we're all just shouting into the abyss aren't we!?

MattBerrysHair · 13/06/2020 22:55

Apparently it takes around 2 years to really get to know someone intimately. You've been on this board for the last few weeks because what you are seeing in your partner is not to your liking and it's only been a few months. As it's still the early stages of the relationship he is on his best behaviour right now. How much worse is it going to get? If this is his best then I dread to think what abuse you'll be receiving in a years time when he feels comfortable enough to really let loose. Seriously, what is there to love?

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/06/2020 00:46

I'm just trying, really really trying

Trying to do what exactly OP?

Why are you scared to be alone? you can't be that desperate for a partner that you'll out up with this shit surely.

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2020 01:48

He is abusing you. Leave him now. That is all that you can and should do. To stay with him is foolish.

vikingwife · 14/06/2020 02:24

Are we reading the same thread ? Partner has not behaved in a way the Op wants. OP loses control & raises hand to slap partner. Partner pushes in self defence, OP sprained wrist.

That does not describe OP as the victim exactly. She is the abusive one in this context & that would be classed as self defence.

She also sounds abusive in that despite all of this she is desperate for him to not leave her after this - just like how abusers get. They are so sorry, can’t imagine life without their partner & they were pushed into raising hands.

LIZS · 14/06/2020 07:32

you need to realise no matter how hard you try it is not reciprocated. Tell him to leave , it is not working. You do not need his gaslighting and abuse. Love is not the word for the dependency you feel. Why do you feel you cannot find or deserve better?

AllAboutHallowsEve · 14/06/2020 07:41

If you went to slap him, then frankly you both sound abusive. This is not a happy, healthy relationship.

LynetteScavo · 14/06/2020 08:11

I went to slap him and he threw me across the room. I've sprained my wrist 😞quite badly.

You moved a man you'd only known a few months into your house, with your children (one only being 17yo) and now the relationship has turned violent. It's time for him to go back to his parents.

Whether he is in the autistic spectrum or not is not the issue here.

Also, why did he sleep in his car?

ididntmeanit · 16/06/2020 22:34
Sad
OP posts:
category12 · 16/06/2020 22:40

Still sticking it out?

How's your arm?

user1972548274 · 16/06/2020 22:44

It's been six months and he's violent. This is not love.

You love the idea of him you built in your head, you love the fantasy future you hoped he would bring, and you love the idea of someone coming into your life to rescue you.

It's not real. You're clinging on to a fantasy.

I'm sorry it hurts, but the longer you cling on the more pain you will cause yourself and your children.

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