I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

[ididntmeanit]

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that'

I would have run a mile at this point. How dare he do that to you? How DARE he? And you have a child at home too? Not ok, never ok.

Bin him off and do the Freedom Programme.

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that'

Once you're a parent, saying a man "plonked himself into your life" is such a huge cop out OP I'm sorry.

You are in charge of you. You control your decisions. You have known him six months, he's told you your his now, he's making you unhappy, he leaves the room when you cry and yet he's moved into your home and I'm assuming you're going to go with the old "but I love him".

Come on!!! You sound so passive about things that are totally in your control and, to be honest, are totally your responsibility to sort out.

Don't you want to teach your kids about healthy boundaries and relationships? This guy sounds insufferable and totally incompatible with you and your needs.

This is the honeymoon period of your relationship. This is when it's at its best. This is the period you'll look back to when things are hard, when you're feeling unsupported and not sure why you're together (those bad times most relationships have) and remember how amazing you felt in the beginning.

If he has autism or if he doesn't almost makes no difference, you can't go into a relationship wanting to change someone, autism or not. You also can't ignore half of them and just pretend only the good things exist. Do you accept feeling the way you do with this person exactly as he is for the long term? And the answer to that is not that he may have autism, so you should make allowances and should overlook the difficult things. Is a possible label more important than how you're feeling?

Also, I think you may be focussing on the wrong thing here, because what's important in this discussion is you, your feelings, how cherished and understood you feel. And do you want to feel whatever you feel now indefinitely/forever? Do you want this long term? If not, what is so good about this relationship that you accept not feeling understood and having a lack of tenderness?

I find it really disturbing that someone "plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that", even though you found it hard to connect to him.

Whether you see someone or not surely is always your choice, not up to them? Why would you continue to see someone who was not willing to allow you even this boundary?

Only a completely unboundaried person would do this. This isn't love on your part, it is codependent enmeshment - and it is so much stronger than love.

If you stay with him, your needs will never be met, and you will thus sacrifice your life to him. Is that really what you want? He isn't going to change - it is so hard to change even when the way you are is damaging to you (as you have surely found yourself).

He isn't in pain from his actions, so he is very, very unlikely to be motivated to change. Whatever his diagnosis.

At only 6 months in you can't possibly know what is 'out of character' or not.

It doesn't sound like you're getting what you need from a relationship with this man.
Whether he has autism or not, to be honest it's not relevant, your needs are incompatible.

I'm autistic and so is one of my ds's and we both know how to offer support and comfort when someone we care about is suffering. It may be accompanied by lots of questions rather than instinctual, which some people may find irritating, but that's because we care and want to get it right. It doesn't sound like your bf can be bothered to even do that!

He could be autistic and abusive at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive.

He needs to go, and I suspect you will need the assistance of the police.

Get him out, the cheeky, cocklodging, abusive fucker that he is.

He had to move in because of circumstances

Are you able to say anything else about this op. It sounds like it could be really red flaggy... especially if you have a nice secure home (owned or secure tenancy) and he was previously in rented.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft at all. If you had moved a self appointed 'king' into your castle, the early stages of your relationship might sound exactly as you have written here...including the temporary glitches in behaviour that leave you hurt and confused but that you write off or try to rationalize because they seem so out of character.

I decided to hang in but I'm at breaking point now after many arguments and him storming off. I'm sick of asking for affection, Jim storming off for hours when I'm crying. Making excuses, blaming me.

But I feel so desperately starched Bd want to make it work. I love him. But the relationship makes me feel so distressed. Where do I go wrong?

Sometimes love isn't enough. You can pour as much love into a relationship as you can, but it still won't work.

Love isn't as valuable as we make out and it's not always healthy. It doesn't outweigh the fact your needs aren't met, or your distress. You need to do the healthy thing and call it quits. Yes, it'll be painful, but you'll be ok in the end. Your future self will thank you.

I married a man like this. He was loving and affectionate and we had a lot of fun together, made each other laugh.

But his lack of empathy and attunement destroyed the marriage. It is very, very hard to be in a relationship like that. It never is really a relationship if someone cannot attune to you. I suspect he never took time off work at your operation as he doesnt' hold you in mind. He probably holds how he FEELS about you in mind, but he is not thinking about you the person, and what is going on in your life and thoughts and feelings. And that means he can never respond to what you need. Because he can't see what you need. Because he can't really see you as a person separate from himself, with your own thoughts and feelings and needs.

Being in a relationship with that man is my biggest regret. I would strongly advise you not to continue in that relationship.

What PP said. If he's now progressed to storming off and blaming you it really doesn't matter whether he's autistic. We have a lot of people with autism in our family and some of us would be stumped when somebody is crying and might leave the room for not knowing what to do. But if the other person afterwards said that this made them feel unloved, the people who I'd say could be part of a functional relationship would do the logical and supportive thing and ask what could be done differently next time. If he's blaming you and not looking for strategies to make your relationship work on both your terms, he's simply abusive, whether he's autistic or not.

But the relationship makes me feel so distressed.

This is SO not ok!!
You need some kind of counselling to work on your self-esteem and boundaries. Also do plenty of reading on healthy AND unhealthy relationships.
End this mess of a relationship and spend some time on your own. Let your children have a happy mother.

My husband, my 2 children and I are autistic and I just don't recognise your perception of what autism looks like.

When I get cross with my husband he just stands there with a look of confusion on his face. Same with my kids. We're also all very generous in nature, giving hugs, compliments, and care to the people around us.

Your boyfriend just sounds like a dick.

Autistic people might not automatically know things that NT people instinctively know but they learn those things instead. Autism is not an excuse or reason for the behaviour you describe.

^I’m autistic and I agree with this pp

Obviously not all autistic people are the same, but I do find it surprising a 40 year old man (who hasn’t been diagnosed with asd) can’t at least try to comfort his crying partner.

As others have said how does he cope at work?
Surely his colleagues, friends/family would have picked up on his behaviour before?

I really do appreciate the replies and I agree with @notanothernewlife that he thinks about his feelings for me but can't consider me at all. For example, he once took me out for the day when we first got together but never thought I may need to eat or drink so I went hours with no food or drink.

The problem is I just keep trying and trying and trying because I feel he has a lot to give. I want to be the person that CAN be with him. But I just can't.

Far too much drama in only 6 months

Sounds like you need to work on yourself first, before having a relationship

The problem is I just keep trying and trying and trying because I feel he has a lot to give.

Rephrase
The problem is he gives me some of what I want in a man and so I just keep trying and trying and trying to make him change the other parts of himself so he gives me the rest of what I want.

We're also all very generous in nature, giving hugs, compliments, and care to the people around us.

To be fair - this is not typical.

The problem is I just keep trying and trying and trying because I feel he has a lot to give. I want to be the person that CAN be with him. But I just can't.

He's not a project, he's a person! He might have a lot to give but it's very evident that he doesn't want to give it. In all likelihood what you perceive as potential in him is probably an illusion you yourself have created in your mind.

It's 6 months in. He's behaving the way he's behaving because that's who he is. You are reacting to his behaviour in a certain way because that's who you are. Seriously, just end it because the way you feel right now, all hurt and upset, is the way you will always feel in a relationship with him. It might be painful for a bit but that'll pass.

We're also all very generous in nature, giving hugs, compliments, and care to the people around us.

To be fair - this is not typical.
Having much experience of people with ASC, being the daughter, sibling, mother and friend of said people, as well as being diagnosed myself, I'd say it was very typical.

For example, he once took me out for the day when we first got together but never thought I may need to eat or drink so I went hours with no food or drink.

Why couldn't you just suggest getting something to eat or drink?

OP it sounds to me like you want some romantic to sweep you off your feet and tell you everything is going to be ok.
You've answered your own question. He doesn't give you the support you need. Time to call it a day.

XH was most likely autistic - he wouldn’t get a diagnosis as he worried it would affect his medical/licence for his job, but he agreed that he struggled with empathy etc and it was pointed out by many people at the time. DS is in the same boat. Very similar people!!

TBH once he had accepted this about himself it meant he felt a bit more at peace and realised that he wasn’t exactly failing me, he just wasn’t capable of the type of relationship I needed.

Like you, it had all started quite strongly - a holiday fling with mates and when we got home we moved in together! But once kids and the chaos of family life hit him, he really struggled. He would make jokes about me and not realise why I was so hurt, would say that he didn’t like doing stuff as a family as it made him angry, he had very high standards for tidying and cleaning (although never did any himself of course!) He insisted he needed not to be woken at night by babies (x3 over the years) as if he was tired he might not be able to concentrate at work and “people might die!” (Never mind that I was driving around our newborn in a total daze with undiagnosed thyroid trouble, exhausted and depressed)

Anyway, long story short, we separated. He’s now much happier on his own - has tried a couple of other relationships but they’ve not lasted.

I’m with someone who’s the total opposite, which comes with its own issues to be fair!

If your fella is interested in working on ways to make you both feel loved and cared for, if he’s able to be open without judgment about the things he struggles with, and if you’re able to separate the good partner from the lack of affection and maybe find that within yourself or from friends and family, there’s no reason you can’t have a good relationship with him.

If you’re expecting him to change, to learn how to be romantic etc, it’s not going to work! Eg my XH didn’t see the point of flowers as “they just die.” and he wouldn’t partake in Valentine’s Day as he said he didn’t want to be told which day he should tell me he loved me. Spoiler alert - he didn’t tell me any other day either . Whereas DP will buy me random Tuesday flowers, or a pot plant (so it lasts longer!) or my favourite food/drink etc.

I think if I was still with XH I’d try and do a better job of explaining rationally why these things are important to me, even if not to him, and maybe give him a framework, like whenever you go to the supermarket (ie rarely!) it would make me feel loved if you picked up a bunch of flowers or some florentines etc

For example, he once took me out for the day when we first got together but never thought I may need to eat or drink so I went hours with no food or drink.

Why couldn't you just suggest getting something to eat or drink?

That is exactly what I thought too.

Ididnt that is really really fucking weird of you.

What's that all about?

Why didn't you say "I'm starving, what are we doing for lunch" or "I'm hungry. Let's go for food.?"

It smacks of you being happiest being a martyr.

Obviously not all autistic people are the same, but I do find it surprising a 40 year old man (who hasn’t been diagnosed with asd) can’t at least try to comfort his crying partner.

Mine would just stand there, frozen, with a ‘rabbit in the headlights’ look on his face. And when I questioned him he’d say “I don’t know what to do!”

DS is the same. If I’m upset, my other DCs will hug me, say they love me, make me a cup of tea. DS1 will quietly ignore it, or say “why are you crying?” Erm, because the cat just died!

I did say I'm starving! That's the point. I asked repeatedly if there was anywhere I could get a drink or some food. And he said we had to go home!