I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

[ididntmeanit]

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

FFS OP.

Have some dignity.

You sound desperate and needy.

It’s 6/7 months in. Nothing. He doesn’t treat you well yet you love him. Why? What exactly is loveable?

It doesn’t matter whether he has autism or not - the fact is he’s not very nice and not giving you what you need in a relationship.

But you’ll ignore us all and come back in another month even more miserable with nothing having changed.

When I do cry he just says Stop crying.

Maybe he also has autism but this goes beyond autism maybe IMHO, into just being not nice.

The leaving while you're crying is unpleasant/unsupportive. Saying 'I'm really sorry but I really have to go to work now, but I'll be back as soon as I can' would be ok, but not really addressing the fact that you're crying isn't kind. This bit might be due to autism, but still not good.

If he's unable to act ok in a relationship, that's not your fault, or something you have to learn to live with if it really hurts you. If you're really unhappy, finish with him.

Needhelp101- Everyone with autism is different, but lack of empathy is supposedly common in a lot of people with autism, it is or virtually is a criteria. I have autistic traits and like to think I'm not like it, though.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

You make the choice of either living with him as he is or splitting up.

You can't "cure" him - he is what he is. Both he and you have to manage his autism. If you can't do that, then it's time to move on.

How many times are you going to tell him how you feel in the vain hope he’ll magically change?

Next time he storms off to sleep in his car, pack his bags and put them outside so he doesn’t have to bother you for his belongings in the morning.

Get rid. He makes you miserable.
Terrible example to be showing your dc, no matter how old they are.

@NoMoreDickheads, yeah, I know - should have qualified my comment. We're all different!

Yeah he doesn’t sound autistic, he sounds like a controlling wanker. It’s clear to everyone here he only wants to get his own way and essentially he doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings. This will never change. You can beg and plead and cry and nothing will make things different because he doesn’t want it to be. He KNOWS how much this is hurting you and that isn’t enough to bother him.

It’s been 6 months, this is meant to be honeymoon period!! You deserve better than this and it’s sad that you won’t see that.

This is completely left field but his prowess in the bedroom doesn’t lead me to believe he has autism. I have absolutely no scientific fact or data research to back that up, but when you mentioned that, it lost me on the autism. Having had my fair share of good and bad lovers & dating one or two I realised may be on the spectrum - they weren’t great kissers or would have been lovers. It just didn’t progress but if it had am sure they would have been forgettable experiences. People with autism struggle with social cues, so imagine sexual cues would also prove challenging.

Also deciding he was going to have you is not the romantic story you think it is.

Noooooo

When I say he is good in bed. This means he knows how my body works . It's sex. And he will say 'shall I make a drink, then have sex?' Nothing is spontaneous.

I've taught him to kids. And make live to me by holding me etc. He has NEVER said he loves me during sex or he likes my body or what I do. He doesn't even make a noise. He will suddenly stop and start a conversation about plugs or something then start again. But seriously, he knows what to do to my body

@ididntmeanit

That’s the comment you answered?

You don’t want help or advise.

Advice.

Ffs.

Well... have you asked him if he thinks he might be aspergers? I say maybe use that term because while it’s no longer the diagnostic term, it’s widely known as being “autism lite” so may soften the blow?

Or maybe that’s my neurotypical interpretation, that he might be shocked or upset to be asked. Maybe he would take the question seriously & consider how quirky he has always felt in comparison to others around him.

Just ask him if he thinks he might be & then you can explore if he might be open to being tested for it.

Seriously?

Six months in and you have all this?

Sounds exhausting.

Life is too short to waste being miserable with someone who doesn’t seem to get you at all.

I've taught him to kids. And make live to me by holding me etc. He has NEVER said he loves me during sex or he likes my body or what I do. He doesn't even make a noise. He will suddenly stop and start a conversation about plugs or something then start again.

What the actual fuck.

Oh a few typos there

It's not the typos that bother me

He's like a project to you, you think you can train him into making you happy.

kick him out. You moved him in because he as good in bed and "circumstances" is just a convenient cover. He is not interested in you as a person or your feelings. You are looking for reasons and excuses for his detachment but he is not worthy of your efforts. Agree this is so short a time in yet you are having to make all the running it is exhausting just to read let alone live through. What example does this set your children that your standards for life are so low. I suspect you would soon get over him not being there as he contributes so little to your wellbeing. Then work on boundaries and your self esteem.

You had the sex goggles on when you meet him, in any other circumstances a man telling you that ‘ He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that‘ would have ring serious alarm bells. At no point has he considered you, your wants, your needs and sex goggles is a good way to distract you. I am sorry it’s not worked out. The good thing is that he is forty years old and has managed before he meet you, he has parents and I am assuming he is able to convince another women to keep him if his desperate. As let’s face it, him paying for for food is not the same as him paying proper keep-it’s costing you a lot for him to live with you, financially and emotionally. Once you throw him out the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. Maybe take some time out before you meet someone else-being single is so much better than being treated like he treats you.

Have you read the threads on this board that are for those with autistic partners, OP?

Here is the most recent - the first post has links to the others.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

Do you want kids with him ? Consider they may also have autism & if that is something you could cope with & knowingly take the risk as it seems inherited / runs in families? You can’t ignore that possibility, if you plan on having kids.

I don’t know if your chap is autistic or not. I’m not sure it’s the important issue. Your happiness matters and from what you say, you have difficulty in asking for what you need in relationship in order to be happy. You have got together with someone who certainly appears very rigid in his thinking from your description. I wonder if his insistence on his boundaries felt like something secure for you at first? Ie you know where you stand. Trouble is, the answer to that might end up being ‘you stand wherever he tells you to.’ You aren’t long out of a 23 year marriage. You are going through what is effectively a bereavement process. It might be helpful to look into some counselling for yourself in order to help you process the end of your marriage. As to the sex: I can certainly relate to the experience of wild passion followed by a discussion about plugs . In my case, the chap is a kind-hearted bloke with very limited emotional range. To love him is to accept him for what he is, and I need more in a full-time committed relationship, which is why it never progressed. I suspect you may end up feeling very lonely and unheard in this relationship, OP, and you can’t be the relationship on your own - the other person has to contribute.

Where do I go wrong?

By ignoring the red flag bunting waving in your face OP and lying to yourself that this twat is a nice person.

I agree with the comments about learned helplessness and think until you've worked this out you shouldn't be in a relationship.

The whole dynamic is extremely unhealthy, and smacks of co-dependance.

I know I've ignored the red flags but it's like I want to. He's still here, we had a bad row after he made a nasty dig. I went to slap him and he threw me across the room. I've sprained my wrist 😞quite badly.

OP, you really need to end it now, you know that, don't you?

Consider calling the police. He needs to leave. He has assaulted you.

OP, are you safe?