I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

[ididntmeanit]

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

Why does it matter if he is autistic or not?

There's a lot of drama here for 6 months.

If you have been having a horrific time for 6 months due to external events then I doubt you know whether you are in love, if he is nice, if you are happy when with him, etc. Your senses and intuition will be off balance due the other thing.

What is the other thing?

OP you sound like a Victorian lady with all your weeping. Do you think you might be depressed? It sounds as though the relationship has coincided with a very stressful and traumatic time in your life for you to be crying all the time. He hasn't known you that long and I can't imagine how it feels to have this woman in floods of tears all the time - perhaps he simply doesn't know what to do.

If someone I'd known for six months, was always in tears, I'd perhaps point them in the direction of a counsellor or the GP for an assessment. Do you think that might be an idea? It could also be hormonal or you might just be very tired and stressed - I think everyone is feeling it at the moment.

Lots of people aren't very good at comforting others, they find it awkward and like I said, he hasn't known you that long. Perhaps he just doesn't know how, so thinks it's best if he helps in other ways. It sounds as though he is trying but dealing with someone in tears all the time is draining OP. There's only so much a person can give. Maybe he leaves the room to go to work because he doesn't want to be late and get the sack? I understand how selfish that must seem to you, but other people have bills.

Are you confusing love with codependency here?.

How did you meet this man, what exactly do you know about him in terms of relationship history and family background?.

I would not assume he is at all on any ASD spectrum; you could well be wrong here.

He targeted you and deliberately so; his comment re he making up his mind and having you is chilling frankly. It makes you sound like his possession. Some abusive men also target single mothers because such men think these women are so desperate for male company they would put up with any old shit.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up and what do you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here?.

How soon was he introduced to your children?. They have also seen an awful lot this past 6 months too, is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. It is not is it.

I definitely agree with others . My son is 21 years old and has autism , we find that he needs a very direct approach , and for us to remember that it's not his fault that things don't always come instinctively to him . So for example you mentioned about wanting him to be around after you'd been in hospital , my son wouldn't instinctively know that he needed to be , but if it was pointed out to him he would be there in a flash and would learn from it and know what was needed on another similar occasion . My son still says that he finds the world very confusing at times but enjoys the challenge of learning new behaviours to make his and everyone elses lives easier . I think some times it's not about making excuses for his autism but cutting him a little slack and guiding him in the right direction as to what you need , you have to accept that his brain just works differently and he may need your messages to be more direct . I certainly don't see autism as a negative as in any relationship adjustments on both sides may need to be made it's up to you whether or not you want to work on that with him . Remember most autistic peoples lives are controlled by routine and order and any changes can be confusing and overwhelming , some ways that they react to these stresses are not what would be described as "the norm " , my son regularly says he's got a headache from just trying to conform on a normal day .
Maybe sit him down and explain some of the things that you need from him , and explain why they are important to you , just like you are not a mind reader neither is he .

If he is 40 and hasn't worked out that crying = upset you are going to be doing an awful lot of guiding for the rest of your life with him.

My son with ASD is being tought at school and home about emotions. He could talk until almost 7 and even he gets crying, sad, happy, angry,tired. He struggles with the finer messages like when people snap "I'm fine"

He sounds like he will constant spelling out which most men take as nagging unless they ask for it to be pointed out1

I don’t think there’s enough there to diagnose Autism. There’s too much “oh he/ she’s slightly unusual, they must have Autism” these days from people who only know the absolute basics of Autism. To be honest he sounds a lot like my DH who does not have Autism. He can’t cope with crying or articulate his feelings either.

To be honest, things do sound very intense and you do seem to be doing a lot of crying around someone who you’ve only known for 6 months.

He may well be autistic. Are you able to have a discussion about how you need him to act when youre upset/crying? Tell him what you expect of him.
It sounds like he has a lot of really good points, but its important that he can meet your emotional needs in a relationship too, and if hes autistic, it may be that he doesnt know what to do or what you want, or doesnt come naturally to him.
If you tell him you need to have a proper discussion about this issue, then i think youll get a clearer idea about whether hes just being a dick who wants you to shut up, or whether hes actually willing to listen and learn what you need too.

My ex was autistic and incredibly comforting and supportive when I was upset. But you know what they say - once you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met.. one person with autism. We’re all different, NT and neurodivergent.

Some of the things you say make me think he could be but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an upfront communication about your needs.

He can manage to hold a job down but doesn’t seem to notice if you are crying? Are you sure he just doesn’t care?
My autistic son would give me a hug if I was crying. Some who are on the severe end of the spectrum may not do this, but is that him if he can get on with others at work?

I'm betting you haven't had many happy, healthy relationships.

Yep.

I'm shit at boundaries I know.

My children are older 17 and 19 so not in our pockets.

He had to move in because of circumstances.

He's been on his own a long time.

Very good family.

That's the thing, @catsandlavender, I have two teens with ASD, one is so empathic it is almost too much, and one wouldnt know empathy if it
came up and introduced itself to her. So, there is no typical ASD.

But in a way it doesnt matter. The question is, if you explain to him what you need, will he try to accommodate it? that's all you need to know really.

He had to move in because of circumstances.

Intriguing.

I have two autistic sons - they are very different to each other . So even if your boyfriend is autistic it doesn’t really matter apart from whether you can cope with it or not ?
I have had to learn different ways of communicating and sometimes being more direct , sometimes not.
The common ground I do find is that people I know with autism spend a lot of time thinking on their own heads rather than discussing with others. This can cause a lot of communication issues .

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He had to move in because of circumstances

Were those circumstances a bit similar to how you initially got together - he decided he was moving in and that was that?

Hi OP.

I'm autistic and didn't get diagnosed until adulthood. Long story short - my parents didn't understand and punished me for not behaving in an appropriate NT way rather than teaching me more socially acceptable ways of responding etc to things. So, yes, an autistic person can learn but only if they know what you need/are taught.

I can remember the first time someone told me a relative had died. I just said "oh, ok" because I didnt realise I was supposed to say anything else and didn't need anyone to say anything different to me. Those things just aren't there. I now know I'm supposed to say "im really sorry to hear that" so I do. For example.

I told my boyfriend of 6 months this week. I was aware of 2 occasions when I feel that he has 'experienced' my autism but the relief in his voice when I told him, and some of the things he said, showed me that he'd been experiencing it almost constantly and I was totally unaware. Not because I don't care about him or anything like that because I do - very much. Just that my way of being is very different to his. I don't expect a 'painting by numbers' approach to being with him but I will certainly be more mindful of the things he did mention!

Unfortunately, whilst I can learn what a person needs or wants, I won't pick up on it instinctively. I don't get hints, a lot of 'social norms' and particularly 'social dances' around things are a complete mystery to me and even when I've been told about them, I can't always work out if this is a situation that requires one. Or not. If that makes sense. It's not natural.

As for seeing you crying. I've now learnt that you're supposed to ask if something is the matter but it's not always clear. Especially if there is no obvious source of their upset (would be even less aware if it was something I'd done!) So I wouldn't always ask because I'd think that if someone wanted me to know then they'd tell me. I would care that they were sad but it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to find out why. I'd keep the thoughts in my head and wonder about it privately.

It's not that I don't feel empathy for people. Sometimes the empathy is overwhelming but I don't know how to respond so I say nothing.

This isnt a diagnosis of him. Just an explanation of me that might help you to understand him
If he is.

As for other people saying "my child is autistic and they're nothing like that. So he can't be". My closest friend is also autistic and we are completely different to me! We can actually advise and support each other well because our 'impairments' are different. So dont listen to that.

However, what I would say is that people are right in that you will not be able to change him.and he will not be able to change himself anymore than you can decide to grow 6 inches taller. But what you can have (if you are both willing and receptive) is honest, clear and open communication where you are both able to state your needs and have them met.

You state he had to move in because of circumstances?. What were these specifically?.

And yes you are right re your own self in one important respect, your boundaries are indeed shit indeed so how did that happen anyway?. What happened to you here, how did you get to this point in your life?.

Your comment re he being "solid, dependent and loyal" could also be applied to a pet dog.

The common ground I do find is that people I know with autism spend a lot of time thinking on their own heads rather than discussing with others. This can cause a lot of communication issues

Yes definitely!

From my perspective a lot of this is about trying to work out what is going on, whether it's appropriate to say something etc that sort of thing. And then just deciding not to bother because the thinking has exhausted me. Or just not being able to find the words to say it.

Oh my love your list is so revealing - you aren't thinking logically.

Solid when I can be emotional and flighty

Eh?! Nope, when you're emotional you have to leave the room to cry. This happens often.

Devoted and loyal

I fear you mean he hasn't cheated / wouldn't cheat on you - this should not be a plus on a list of good qualities - it should be expected

Very practical, he will fix anything

So will a handyman

Very good in bed, the best I've ever had

Best sex I ever had was with my abusive ex. He also hit me. One does not outweigh the other.

Despite the behaviours, this man is 40 years old and I have never met anyone with a heart so pure

This sounds incredibly naive and idealistic - he is making you sad and you cry frequently about it, you have to tell him exactly how to support you to get any support from him and he isn't learning

He is amazing with my children (they're old enough to cope with anything that may be appropriate)- the things they find hilarious, he does too 😐

Irrelevant - your children aren't dating him.

I don't think he has the ability to play mind games

Doesn't matter if it's conscious or subconscious, the fact is he's making you second guess yourself and this relationship isn't making you feel happy, healthy and secure.

Raise your bar!!

He had to move in because of circumstances.

No he didn't. He really didn't. You made a conscious choice for him to move in. Your primary responsibilities are you and your children.

There is no circumstance that meant he 'had to move in' and speaking that way makes me feel you might be someone who struggles to be accountable for difficult, big decisions.

You need to own your decisions and be an active agent in your own life - you steer your ship, don't let life just 'happen' to you.

He had to move in because of circumstances.

Oh for god's sake, not another one who's done this.

Does he have his own home still? Were the circumstances simply that you didn't want to go without seeing each other?

I'd run away from anyone who behaved like that. Of course you can stay with him and suffer a great deal; that's entirely up to you.

Tell us about these 'meltdowns' then. What does it look like when a 40yr old man is having a meltdown? I can't imagine that's any fun for the people around him.

Oh my, so now we can explain away bad behaviour by saying the other person is autistic?

Unbelievable.

My children are older 17 and 19 so not in our pockets.

Where are you? Aren't you in lockdown?

Have you read that old book Men are from Mars Women Are From Venus? (or the name may be the other way around, I forget!)

It says that people need different things differently when upset.
That women need empathy or sympathy and to just talk when upset.
Whereas Men need solutions to their problem that’s making them upset so they are no longer upset. They’re not interested in empathy just answers.

Your man doesn’t know what solution you need to stop you crying so he leaves because he can’t solve the issue and he doesn’t know what to do. The book also says men go to their ‘man cave’ to be alone. ie they leave the room and go sit in the kitchen etc or go out.

That sounds like your guy. He wants to fix your problems that are upsetting you but doesn’t know how or that all you want is a cuddle and an a couple of sympathetic sentences from him like ‘that’s horrible what she said to you, no wonder you’re upset’ etc etc

You just need to tell him “When I’m upset I don’t need you to fix it I just want a cuddle and some sympathy.”

That may help him understand he doesn’t have to leave as a failure and bugger off to his man cave if he can’t fix your problem, that’s not what is needed at all!

Once you tell him what you need you will see if he responds appropriately the next time a birthday comes round and you’ve told him you just want a bunch of roses, or next time you’re in tears when he knows you only want a cuddle.

If not then he obviously doesn’t care sufficiently to do whatever it is. Not good.

I was also going to ask about the meltdowns. What form do they take? How often do they occur? In front of your dcs? Do you know what triggers them and do you adapt your behaviour to avoid them?

Does he work OP?