I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

[ididntmeanit]

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

OP, you need to end the relationship and get some help for yourself.

It's never going to work. Stop making excuses and face the fact that you've made a huge mistake in moving him in. You barely know him. Tell him to leave and read up on co dependence.

If you're writing all this, it means it matters to you. Doing all you ask on a practical level isn't the same as responding to your emotional needs.
How have you challenged him about his coldness?

So you stayed starving? Why didn't you go home? Or leave and drive to a shop? Why did you give him the power of veto over you eating?

It's learned helplessness. The OP is a passive bystander in her own life.

How long were you together when he moved in, 6 months seems too soon, I hope he pays towards the bills and food.

I'm still interested in the "circumstances" that meant he moved in - I'm guessing these were his circumstances, not yours?

By which I mean was it mostly to solve a problem for him, not you?

Yes there is a bit of learned helplessness.

Yes he moved in to solve a problem for himself. And I agreed. He lived with his parents who are at risk.

We had been together 5 months I think.

He doesn't pay but does buy food.

Blimey you are on a leash.

Wow. Sorry after five months, he moved from his parents house to yours, to make his own life easier? I'm guessing he lived with his parents because it was easier for him and then you came along, offering another rent free home, except this time with sex.

This is someone who only thinks of himself. You are a means to an end - possibly not maliciously, but he first and foremost considers what you can do for him, to be make his life better. Your thoughts and feelings are not really of interest to him.

I don't know if he is autistic, and I don't think it matters. The reality is that this is who he is. You are not going to be able to change that. It doesn't sound like who he is makes you very happy and I think you should end the relationship.

Give yourself some time to grieve the end of this (it can still be very sad when things don't turn out the way you hoped) and then think about doing some work on yourself so that the next time a man "plonks himself into your life" you have the tools to advocate for yourself and what you want.

What proportion of the rent and bills is made up by food?

Ouch.

But thank you.

So he's only lived there a month and you'd only been going out 5 months and it was to help him out in an emergency? Fuck that then. Tell him it is not working for you putting him up like this, you want your place back to yourself, he is to move out by the end of the week. Phrase it around you helping him out with housing temporarily but he has overstayed his welcome, which is true.

I did say I'm starving! That's the point. I asked repeatedly if there was anywhere I could get a drink or some food. And he said we had to go home!

Why on earth did you not just say you were going into the nearest shop or cafe to get some food?

No man would tell me I wasn't allowed to eat and had to stay starving Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

If you are asking for your needs to be met and he refuses and worse storms off blaming you...why are you staying?

You love what you think he could be not who he actually is. He is 40, he won't change and largely doesn't want to.

You have to face the reality of him not what you hope he is. I am sure he has good parts but the bad parts outweigh the good. Sometimes it's best not to over analyse and just go on how you feel. You can't change him. It will destroy you if try to waste energy and emotion getting water from a stone.

There were no cafes open for food, it was a country park miles away and I hadn't known where we err going.

And you were there for hours?

In any event OP you need to woman up

I’m hungry and thirsty - then I sort myself out

If the person I’m with is driving and I’m stranded without them - they either do the assist thing and help me get to where I need to get food and drink
OR they don’t. In which it is abuse and as soon as I get home I would send them a message to say that I will never be seeing it contacting them ever again.

There were no cafes open for food, it was a country park miles away and I hadn't known where we err going.

Did you not think to ask before you set off? You're a grown up - you're old enough to sort your own food out.

DH and I went for a picnic today - I didn't expect him to sort my lunch out for me just because it was his idea!

OP it's not surprising you are fed up. I think most people would be.

It's okay for you to end this relationship, for no other reason than it is not good enough for you. It's okay to want things in a relationship and not settle for less.

You listed his good qualities, those are like minimum standards really. You can find someone else who has those AND makes you feel loved and supported.

You moved him in after 5 months, you've only been together 6. You shouldn't even be at the introducing kids stage yet. Leave him and talk to a counsellor about your choice of partner.

He is giving you maybe 20% of what you need in a relationship.

You have provided him with free housing, and seem to be backing down to all his wants, so you're giving him near 100% of what he needs from a relationship.

Stop thinking you can 'fix' him, or trying to diagnose him with something to excuse his behaviour.

Look at who he is, and what he gives you now, if it's not enough, it won't change, and you can't change him.

This relationship won't work, there is give and take, but you're doing all the giving, and he's doing all the taking.

I feel there’s quite a lot of ignorance here about how people with autism function in terms of their ability to relate to other people / emotional empathy. It’s a spectrum so there’s a huge range of behaviour.

My husband thinks he maybe on the autistic spectrum and I can see that he may be. I struggle with with his lack of intuition and understanding of my emotions and feelings. I just have to be blunt with him about my needs and he will happily do whatever I need / ask. He has never been hurtful , mean or nasty to me.

It is difficult at times but we work through things together. There’s been plenty of ups and downs as we’ve been together for a long time. We’ve had to learn to communicate effectively and respect each other’s feelings coz they are valid.

It doesn't matter whether or not he is autistic. What matters is the way he behaves and whether or not you can live with it.

If you are only six months in and you are already finding aspects of your relationship difficult to deal with, then I'd guess the answer is no, you can't. You are currently trying to put a positive spin on everything he does, but think a few years down the line, will you still want to be so forgiving?

I don't think you should have to guide him through the relationship. He's in his forties, he doesn't need Relationship 101 (or he shouldn't).

And my XP sat at an airport eating sandwiches while I was hungry, because I had no local currency left and he did. It didn't occur to him to share, or to give me the money for a sandwich. His reaction to me being hungry was 'you can get sandwiches when we get back to England and you can use your card'...