How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

My MIL makes promises too OP, she will say she’s going to do something but then when it comes to it she can’t afford it or has used her Resourses for something else but won’t communicate with us or tell us as she gets ‘embarrassed’ so does it on the sly . Not on the same scale as yours , as she didn’t give us money for a house but she offered money towards our wedding two years ago, we said we’d use it to get a photo booth we wanted which was £550 for the night , so we put the deposit down (£200) and she said she’d give us that, and she never gave us the money at all so we lost our deposit and still didn’t get to have the booth. She also says things like I will make dinner for you when you come up, so we won’t eat and she hasn’t cooked and we end up doing it . Very weird so I do get where you’re coming from but we can just ignore it whereas yours is a bit different ! X

You are getting some very unfair responses OP in my opinion, and I’d be the first to jump on anybody I thought felt entitled to their parents’ money. As if your natural disappointment weren’t enough, you now learn you’re being accused of elder abuse, which has to hurt when it’s not true.

In fact as it happens, I know that’s true. My MIL, who is older than yours, apparently started telling her friends a while ago that her three children were trying to get their hands on their money. It was utterly untrue, they’d no idea where this idea had sprung from and none of them had any designs on or need for her money whatsoever. It could also have been professionally damaging for them all, not least for my.BIL who administers her affairs and is as kind to her as the day is long. Thankfully she seems to have stopped that now, but yes, my husband found it exceedingly hurtful that his mother would think like that. I think as people become elderly and confused it happens more than we think, so try not to take it too personally - difficult, I know. 💐

I think the advice to let the dust settle and then have a calm chat with her is a good one. Good luck.

Firstly, you're allowed to be hurt and angry irrelevant if your MIL has changed her mind (which she was entitled to do but that's not really the issue)...claims have been made that you're interfering in your MIL will and considerations are now being made whether DH will now be the sole beneficiary due to this?! That's a very hurtful
accusation and reaction. I would make it very clear that any discussions around money, legals or anything else will not be had with you from this point forward. From the sounds of it though, you've already made the decision that DH will deal with anything around this from now on. You just need to keep things civil from the DC perspective.

Your DH needs to tell his DM that the accusation was hurtful. He also needs to advise her to instruct a solicitor to be executor in her will, not himself to ensure there is complete impartiality when the time does come. That way it's clear there is no meddling and every time she brings up the will, he needs to redirect her back to her solicitor and reaffirm that he does not wish to be privy to the contents as does not want to be accused of coercion. Appreciate she's never dealt with things like this herself but she has an IFA and a Solicitor...there's no need to involve anyone else in her financials.

In respect to the house buy, it's a shit situation but unfortunately it looks like you're going to have to pull the plug. Try to see the positives, you have a roof over your head which you can afford, without anyone's help and you won't have the worry of having to be forced to sell due to the 'depreciation of assets' clause if that ever had reared its ugly head.

Sorry deprivation of assets*

Your DH needs to tell his DM that the accusation was hurtful. He also needs to advise her to instruct a solicitor to be executor in her will, not himself to ensure there is complete impartiality when the time does come. That way it's clear there is no meddling and every time she brings up the will, he needs to redirect her back to her solicitor and reaffirm that he does not wish to be privy to the contents as does not want to be accused of coercion.

I think that's very sound advice.

I would be hurt at these accusations also if they were unfounded & she was in good mental health. So agree best you keep a polite distance & let DH handle it

Agree with the PP who said Your DH needs to tell his DM that the accusation was hurtful. He also needs to advise her to instruct a solicitor to be executor in her will, not himself to ensure there is complete impartiality when the time does come. That way it's clear there is no meddling and every time she brings up the will, he needs to redirect her back to her solicitor and reaffirm that he does not wish to be privy to the contents as does not want to be accused of coercion.

OP, I hear your hurt and outrage.

You have explained things and I understand that you feel terribly wronged.

However,

Your MIL was an nearly 80 year old woman, newly and unexpectedly divorced...could she really be more vulnerable?.

It sounds like absolutely shite to me.

She must've known her head from her feet.

She must've been so scared, confused, bamboozled by all these new options, decisions, consequences....

It sounds horrendous.

Whatever your intentions, your MIL was trying to please and facilitate others at a truly terrifying time for her...

I repeat...she was nearly 80....

I mean it kindly, but really!!!!....it is a truly horrendous set of circumstances ......an 80 year old woman...... giving an absolutely huge amount of money away .....when she has just been newly divorced and is renting.

OP, meant kindly, but from where I come from ......it is shocking, vulgar, and dear Christ, would be viewed as, beyond vulgar and grasping....

Whatever your intentions....believe me, this is how a lot of people would view this.

I hope you can try and see this in the vein it was meant.

I think she's acted terribly BUT your dc will get over not moving house - it's not the be all and end all for a kid. Just tell them it fell through and you will find another one and they will be fine. As for you MIL - tell your DH to keep out of her finances and tell her she needs to sort herself out and don't count on her in the future - she isn't relatable

At least you now have good reason not to care for your mil when she’s older. I think she has been quite nasty and manipulative. And of course she could have given you £300k. It’s not illegal as a pp said.

OP, meant kindly, but from where I come from.....it is shocking, vulgar, and dear Christ, would be viewed as, beyond vulgar and grasping....

Is it possible to 'be kind' when in the next breath you're telling someone they are vulgar and grasping?

If you've always got on with her before this, and she's always been reasonable, I think that it's a good time to step back and take a deep breath. Look at what you could have done differently.

In your position, I'd be absolutely gutted. What a disappointment, and the unfairness of being accused of things you don't feel are true. But I reckon it will help you and DH now to acknowledge that it was a bad idea all along.
She was a very elderly lady who found out she had been cheated on by her husband for a long, long time. She had the trauma of divorce, and was single, all of a sudden, without a partner to discuss what was the best financial course of action. OF COURSE renting isn't a great idea for her, OF COURSE she needed to buy. Any decent friend, family member, solicitor or IFA would advise this.

You may not have put her under pressure regarding the will, but she probably did feel under financial pressure, having made the offer to lend you money when she was particularly vulnerable. You really should have turned that offer down.

Your DH should tell her, in a calm and non-accusatory way, that you are all hurt at the accusation she has levelled at you. But I would ultimately forgive her. She is very old and has had so much trauma...

(BTW I've been in a similar situation re the money thing. Elderly relative said repeatedly and for years that he would gift me a house- I was renting it. Of course, this would be amazingly generous and luckily, it was not beyond his means at all. But he never did it, and I am not angry tbh, although it did change my financial position for the worse-- I wouldn't ever take any gift for granted.)

Being old though, doesn't mean you don't have to take responsibility for the things you say. If she has all her faculties then age isn't a get out of jail free card for backing out of promises at the last minute and getting her friend to imply the OP has been abusive