How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

No way would she /could she be welcome in my home again. Not about the money but she has accused you of such a bloody awful thing!
Tell dh he needs to tell her the damage is irreparable...
Tell dc you aren't moving as dgm isn't helping you now. They can and will see the measure of her in time..
No more xmas visits for her.
Nasty woman.

No MIL friend is female. 50+ year friendship. MIL is early 80s so not middle aged unless she'll live to be a biblical age!

I think the phone call needs to come from DH not me. I know there's been a few updates since my OP but please remember she offered the money. Completely out of the blue 2 years ago when she split from FIL (FIL wholly to blame). About 2 months prior to that we had started putting the feelers out seeing what we could get for our money. She moved out straight away into a rental property I found for her. It's kind of a managed rental so all costs in 1. She flat out said she didn't want to buy as I offered to help with that. She suggested £300k which was her half of the family home. We said absolutely not as that would live her with nothing (I think she wss trying to inheritance plan - badly). She thought she'd get half the house and a lifetime maintenance from FIL so no need for a lump sum which she was worried about having to invest. Hence the IFA.

She's always asking how the house hunting is going, saying the money is just sitting there and she wants to help us. We found this house with everything and a fabulous garden for the DC. She asked for photos in addition to the estate agent photos. She gave us the phone number of her IFA who DH spoke to on the phone. IFA agreed she had the money to give and it wasn't earning much. We all met up the week before lockdown to agree the amount and when it would be released. We got her ID for the money laundering regs. Everything was set. We've been keeping her updated and in touch with calls generally 3/4 times a week.

The call yesterday from her friend was completely out of the blue as you can see from my OP.

Her handing over her entire divorce settlement to her son for a larger home whilst she rents, is frankly bizarre and definitely NOT in her best interest.

I'm not one bit surprised she's been advised to not proceed with this.

She's renting, so always vulnerable.

Were you going to offer her a room in your house if her situation changed.

What if she became ill and needed care?
Who would fund this.

OP, unless I am completely miss understanding something here, I think what you and her son were going to accept is completely against her best interests.

How you could accept her entire settlement from her home and leave her to continue to rent IS elder financial abuse to my mind, and is an unconscionable act.

billy I think you must have misread my latest post

She suggested £300k which was her half of the family home. We said absolutely not as that would live her with nothing (I meant leave).

We definitely agreed not to take all her money and actually at that point advised she got an IFA. She asked another friend of hers who recommended the one she has.

How have you cut your cloth to your means if your house purchase depends on her giving you money?
Both you and your husband are adults and should not be reliant on other peoples money. Your kids 'dreams' arent shattered because of her.
Seeing that you are so fixated on her money, I really wonder if there is truth to her claims about you interfering in her finances.

I'd watch the friend. I have seen a lot of financial abuse by so called friends

What a shocker.

I think the best way to get over it is to remember this incident and take everything she says with a pinch of salt in future.

If I was her son I'd be really upset that she couldn't have told me that she'd changed her mind about the money. By continuing this charade until so late is heart-breaking. The allegations of elder abuse is horrible too. I'd be making sure never to discuss money with her.

I'm with your mother inlaw. You do live in a nice house as you stated. It all comes down to money. She is still alive so why cant she keep her money. Her offering to help neither of you hesitated, she probably listened to you both moan about financial difficulties so she felt she had to help .

Then when she seen how expensive the house you were going for she realised you had money that you were adding to her inheritance.
Also maybe she feel taking for granted and you both havent been there for her through the lock down like getting her groceries or visiting her through the window.
Also it would be easier for her to blame you than her son as if she admitted the fault lies with her son it was hurt way too much.

@Apple1029
How have you cut your cloth to your means if your house purchase depends on her giving you money?

Because they weren't going to move. With MiL's offer they could.

The dreams are shattered because it was MiL's insistence on giving them the money that made them decide to move in the end.

OP, what I read was that she's buying a house which will take every penny she received.
She doesn't feel content renting.

How much was she actually promising to contribute to you. Its not clear.

What amount of her 300,000 has she offered you?

Half?
Three quarters?
I think she has maybe felt pressure and has confided in someone who believes undue pressure has been put on her.

If she gives you a huge percentage of her settlement were you offering to have her live with you if she needed care?

She's at a very vulnerable age.

It's obviously disappointing for you, but as you've written you are well able to provide for yourself.

It would be a shame to fall out with her over money that she may need for her future care.

Why no focus on the crime the mil has accused op of?

Oh dear OP. It’s a disappointment but really I’m shocked in the circumstances that you accepted, knowing that she didn’t own anywhere! Her friend is most likely just looking out for her. I’d say the same to my friend.

In future you know now not to accept anything from her. As far as the accusations about pressurising her and the will go, I would avoid any one on one conversations with her from now on so she can’t accuse you of anything. Let your husband deal with her.

I do believe you OP but I can see how it can be interpreted by others and that's what you need to endure cant happen.

Why was it you that found your MIL and not your DH, that's why her friend called you if your the driver seat of your marriage.

She's behaved poorly and you need to disengage entirely and let your DH take control but get the feeling that your DH will probably try to defer to you to keep the peace, if that's the case you have a bit of a dh problem.

Is mil feeding people lies you are trying to con her to cover her withdrawing the cash offer and leaving her blameless for it?

Why take money from somebody you say lies about you? Hypocrisy.

Fund your own house purchase then you don't have to worry about somebody betraying you and bring let down.

Arch stupid phone.

*why was it you that found your MIL a rental and not your DH?

It’s really not in her interests to hand over this level of money and an IFA and a solicitor would tell her that. She could encounter all sorts of problems in relation to her care needs. A lot of outside parties would be a bit shocked that family members were taking this kind of money from someone in her position. I am to be honest.

I would never take that kind of money to buy a luxury home from a parent. She needed someone to act in her interest and as her son wasn’t doing it, thank goodness there has been an intervention.

I don’t think it matters that your husband is financially illiterate. He must have a moral compass of some sort to see that taking half her savings was the wrong thing to do. He is probably being judged and if he is saying he leaves all the money to you, then that judgement will come to your door.

If your mil is in her early 80s she may well be starting to get confused and forgetful and maybe the friend is taking over more than they should. I’d be wary of the situation there.

£350k would get an extra single bedroom and en suite and utility. £400k gets an extra double, ensuite, utility and study. With MIL's money we would be able to get all the things we want
Speechless. You wanted her money to get a house with an ensuite, utility and study whilst she continued to waste her money each month on rent? And not for a second did you or her son said 'mum, don't be silly, we have a decent house, you are better off buying a house for yourself and never have to worry about being evicted at short notice and seeing yitr money going down the drain'.

Thank God that she has a friend who cares about her interests. Your attitude about being shocked and letting your children down is incredible. Let's hope your children care about you more when you are older than your oh cares about his mum.

No kidding she thinks it's coming from you considering you are in full control of your family finances.

I'm sorry OP, the fact that she's making up lies when you are the one that helps and supports her must feel like a massive kick in the stomach.
In relation to the house, that isn't fair of her but like you say it's her money.
She should never have made the offer, or if she changed her mind at least spoken to your DH about it properly. It didn't need to be this way.
I think you so need to back off and leave your DH to deal with any future contact with her.
I think if any other offers are forth coming I think you need to politely decline. Any money she was to give you would forever be tainted with the accusations she's made.

If I had an elderly friend renting after a divorce and they told me they were giving half of their capital to their son and his wife to buy a big house, I would be concerned that they were being financially abused too. Maybe her friend has her best interests at heart and not yours. Also, If she gives you the money and she dies within the next 7 years that money is still part of her estate for tax reasons.

I've always thought it's interesting how different people read different things into the same words.

She was due £300k from the sale of her house and was INSISTENT she wanted to rent I do want to make that clear. 2 years she's been happily renting from everything she's ever said (yes I now take everything with a pinch of salt). She insisted she didn't want the bother of home ownership. She offered all the money which of course we said no to. I think she'd been getting confused advice from different friends on inheritance tax planning and dodging care home fees. She's not financially astute at all (FIL did it all) hence before we agreed what she might be able to afford to give us we asked her to get an IFA. DH and him had a phone call to agree the amount before we put the offer in on the house.

I found her the rental because I'm familiar with Rightmove (as had been house searching) and DH isn't. That's one of my roles in our family. He's great at cooking for example!

I don't want to give exact figures for privacy reasons but what I've laid out is close enough to show you the massive difference her money would have made to our house search. We weren't leaving her homeless, she has a managed single bill rental which suits her as she didn't want the faff of lots of bills and house up keep.

You make out I want a luxury house but we weren't looking for an amazing all boxes ticked house to start with. Her money opened up the next level to us so of course we were hugely grateful and very careful not to leave her with not enough herself. The new house had a garden big enough for a granny annexe which she was keen on. She said she wasn't ready for that yet as she's happy where she is but in 5 years time could see that as being what she wanted.

I cannot emphasize this enough for TWO YEARS she has insisted she didn't ever want to own a home again. Couldn't be bothered with the hassle. Yes some people think renting is wasting money. Her projected maintenance covered the rent twice over+ some so she herself couldn't see a reason to have the hassle of deciding what to do with her £300k.

She may not be being forgetful per se but she does have form for selective listening. So she only listens to what suits her. Which is why we've regularly checked in with her to make sure her offer still stands and the meeting with the IFA to check she really can afford it. I do wonder if she's constructing herself as the victim to get people to run around for her to sort out her new house. I'm still none the wiser as to why her current rental stopped being the solution she's been saying it is for 2 years. I wonder if spending lockdown in it has changed her view on it for whatever reason. And if she'd phoned us/him and said 'I'm not happy here any more I think I need to buy somewhere of my own' of course we'd have understood and pulled out with far less ill will than I'm feeling about the way she's actually gone about it. Yes I would have been disappointed and a bit down but I'm a compassionate person and would never have shown it to her. It's her money. She is perfectly allowed to do what she wants with it. Honestly I would have been miffed about missing out on something we've been 2 years in the planning but I would never let on to her or guilt trip her because that would be horrible and I want her to do what's best for her.

But the way she's gone about this behind our back does make me angry. That might come across as spoilt because I'm not getting my 'luxury house' but it's being lied to and made out to be the architect of all this when it's all been her driving it! Elder abuse is despicable and to be accused of asking her to do things to her will that I definitely didn't is just awful. I can't even understand why she is saying I did. She caught me at a bad time when the DC were being homeschooled and I was working to a deadline and she wanted to chat to me about her will having already spoken to DH about it the day before. I perhaps wasn't as polite as I could have been in asking her to sort it with DH and if he couldn't/wouldn't help her then perhaps her solicitor could? I can only imagine that's what's come back to bite me and I'm telling her what to do with her will. Yes! Sort it with your son and solicitor and leave me out of it!

I am really wondering about all this. First who told you what she said to the solicitor?
No one should EVER assume they will inherit.
DO NOT expect or take money from a person with whom you dont seem to have a strong enough relationship, you should not be relying on her money for your house, if she is as bad as you say, there will aleways be a price to pay.
This whole post screams STOP

I dont think MIL should give you anything. You should not take money from her, its not yours

Her friend called us with MIL's blessing to pass on the bad news.

DH knows he will inherit as he's read the will and is executor.

A MIL of 20 years should be someone you can trust but I'm never too old to learn.

Stop is exactly what I'm doing!