How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

@NoMorePoliticsPlease I'm not 'taking anything. We were being given. Obviously not any more but can you really not understand that she has been offering for TWO YEARS including setting up a meeting with her IFA?

In your shoes I'd stop doing stuff like finding her rentals and discussing anything financial as I wouldn't want to be accused of elder abuse/being controlling any more. Your h needs to manage all that and not discuss it with you because if you don't know then you can't be abusing her. Elder abuse is as bad as child abuse and not something that I could let go tbh. I'd be having all of my conversations with her when there's a witness like your h.

I don't know your MIL but some people like to offer so they look generous. They don't want the other person to take the offer but want to look and feel good. I think never accepting money from her is the way forward.

Back away op. If all your dh can manage is cooking then fine - he can send her a food parcel round. She can get her friend to sort her life out...
She has shown her true colours in regards to the lies. Money aside. She has blackened your name immensely..

I am still aghast that the ILs got divorced in their 80s!

She may well have thought she didn't want to own a property when she first got divorced and that she liked the idea of renting. She at that point promised you the money. Upon reflection it sounds like she changed her mind and really didn't know how to tell you. The IFA may have told her that the transaction could be seen as a way of avoiding care costs at a later stage and reversed.

I know it sucks as you got used to the idea of your new style of life. I don't think when she said you could have the money she was lying. I think she meant it at that point and when she changed her mind (for whatever reason, for example, advice regarding care costs, having lived in rented she changed her mind and wanted somewhere to feel like "home", maybe advice was if she had cash she could no longer receive certain benefits she received but if she owned her home she would (and similarly if she gave cash away she might not get certain benefits). It doesn't sound like a lie, it sounds like she changed her mind and knew it would upset you and her DS so she asked a close friend to broach the subject.

If you have ever asked about the contents of the Will or discussed it , this may have come up during the discussion around succession and her disposing of a lump sum when she is in her 80s. Then it may seem to an outsider that you seem overinvested in getting the cash now rather than later. Again that may be their perception and perhaps they have clouded her judgment.

I appreciate you are very disappointed by the transaction falling through but that is what it was. It wasn't a lie. Upon reflection she has changed her mind which she is entitled to do.

@SeasonFinale your post makes absolute sense and frames it in an empathetic but eye opening way. Best of Mumsnet advice. A genuine thank you

Oh and yes MIL wasn't expecting it either! But long term mistress reared her head and that was that!

This is one of those situations where I’d be so interested to read the other side. I’m not implying that you’re being dishonest, OP, but when there is such a huge gap between a person’s explanation of a situation and what’s being said about them, I do wonder how she’s interpreted some of these events.

I’m sure you’re very disappointed about the house, and about what is being said about you by your MIL. I may have missed this somewhere in the thread, but if this is being passed on by a third party are you certain it’s accurate?

I agree that the way forward is to step away from having any involvement in your MIL’s financial matters. No more asking your husband for his opinion or to look things over. She has a financial advisor and should direct all queries to them from now on. Don’t accept any further offers of financial help and drop the rope.

She was due £300k from the sale of her house and was INSISTENT she wanted to rent I do want to make that clear
But 5hat wasn't in her best interest, you know that, so you should have refused the money.

She's obviously been convinced that buying is the right thing for her, you (or really your oh) could have been the one to make her realise this. Instead your focus has been on you getting the perfect house for you as clearly renting is not option for you.

If you really cared about her, you'd be relieved now that she's finally done the right thing for herself I stead of lamenting that you don't get you very nice house.

Sorry OP but I think you've been incredibly selfish and the level of disappointment and resentment shows that indeed, you had much to do with the decision in the first place.

I agree with PP. Some people just love to make the grand gestures, the huge promises of help and gifts ... that they have zero intention of following through on.

They get all the adulation and thank yous when they make the promises then back out at the last minute. All people remember is how generous they are - except for those they have let down.

I'd avoid her and stop thanking her for incomplete promises.

Why are you in the process of buying a different house when you don't even have any money from her?

But also I agree with others-why would you be willing to take so much money from her?

@SeasonFinale
A very likely explanation.

OP, I can imagine you are appalled at the implication that you are taking advantage of her. It is a truly awful accusation to have levelled at you.

She wasn't expecting to be divoreced you write, so she may have been in shock and indeed a one bill rental would be very appealing.

But she has changed her mind.
It's very disappointing.

I too would completely step away from her financially and make it absolutely clear to your husband, it's his job from now on.

Telling the children the house is Covid collateral damage, is an easy out.

I am guessing she was offering you half her money 150k?

How much is the house she is buying if your family home is worth 250k she must be buying something quite big for one pensioner if it is costing 300k. Your DH will end up having to do a lit of maintenance.

I'm shocked that you and your DH were gong to accept such a huge lump sum from her, knowing it would leave her with very little, and also this comment - But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs - in your OP.

Planning your future around an inheritance that may or may not ever come to you, is a stupid move.

Buy your own house with your own money, and don't rely on getting any inheritance at all.

Sorry OP all sounds very frustrating and that you tired to keep it all above board and indeed turned her down until she had independent advice. To then be accused must be very upsetting. I think she changed her mind and lacked the social skills to explain this (and knew it was a bit of a crappy thing to do) so when she told her friend she started over inflating your role and before she knew it was in too deep with the misleading story to come back from it.
Grieve the loss and put some distance between you emotionally and financially. Hopefully you’ll feel more forgiving in a month. I doubt she intended to behave badly to you.

Her solicitor may have spoken to her about deprivation of assets and advised against the gift- this could have been outside the remit of the IFA.

Disappointing for you but for the best really as a person of 80 shouldn't be giving away half their capital - especially when they don't even own their own home. Yes she has led you up the garden path but at 80 she might be losing the capacity to make well researched and thought out judgements taking account of the modern realities of renting/ care home fees/ deprivation of assets legislation/ inheritance tax etc.

Try to fall back in love with your home or one you can afford yourself as being bitter won't affect anyone except you and your own family. I wouldn't blame granny to the kids - if you move on mentally I doubt they will lose any sleep over it.

I'm afraid that you sound incredibly entitled OP. She's not even your own mother!
Your MIL has been given advice about renting versus buying, and decided to buy. You already have a house. He buying a house makes more sense at her age as she could well need care in her own house in the near future. If she had £300k in the bank she would have had to pay for all that care herself. By buying her home she may well get that care free, if not greatly subsidised. If she had given her son that money, she would have been deemed to have got rid of assets to avoid paying for care.
I would never have accepted the money from her regardless as to how insistent she was about it. Maybe she has decided to bypass her son in her will because she doesn't want you to get your hands on her money!

You have no idea if she has told her solicitor any lies about you, you're assuming that she has. You haven't actually told us what her friend told you yesterday. Was it that she was buying her own home? Maybe she was too scared of your reaction which was why she asked her friend to speak to you. You do sound a bit bombastic.

Your DH will end up having to do a lit of maintenance.

Christ that would be a hard "no". 😂

I think what is most likely is that your mil probably took some decent financial advice and realised she had made a really silly mistake. At her time of life she really has left it too late to dispose of her assets. By giving you the money she could have got all of you into a heap of problems.

This is called deprivation of assets, where an older person gives their assets away thus making themselves poor so that they don’t have to pay for their care home fees. www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/financing-care/gifting-assets-and-property/gifting-assets-what-are-the-rules-alp865l0wlum Being in her 80’s, it is highly likely she will need to go in a care home. If this were the case and you took the money, you could have been forced into selling your home once the money ran out.

She has literally just done you a massive favour right now even though it doesn’t feel that way.

My take is that if she does not have form, she discovered this fact and became scared and ashamed. If you want to hold your gcs away from her and stop calling her, that’s your business. And I find your attitude pretty damn low actually.

Regardless of whether or not she offered, taking the money at her age when she didn’t have a roof over her head that she owned is pretty damn low. She could and should have bought herself an apartment or house in an over 60s development.

Gosh, you're money mad.
If she leaves the money/house to your kids that's great.
Buy your own home and stop obsessing over her money.
I'm not surprised she informed her solicitor.
You even mention her friend has a higher disposable income than your mil.
You need help, it's not mentally stable to be so invested in who has what amount of money.

Lots of people on MN accept subsidized rent, house deposits and free childcare that would have cost them a five figure sum if they paid market rate. I hope that if you chastised OP you're not taking handouts yourself.

I think that the MIL was unwise to offer the money (to save on inheritance tax later?) but kept offering for 2 years before they accepted the money. I think that there's probably a story why she couldn't tell her son that she was rescinding her offer but elder abuse is a very serious accusation that shouldn't be thrown around if untrue. If she's had advice and panicked then there was better ways of getting her money back.

You even mention her friend has a higher disposable income than your mil. that's because someone asked if the friend was after MIL's money and I'm 100% certain she isn't because she has her own money hence I mentioned her higher disposable income. But don't let that stand in the way of painting me as the money grabbing DIL from hell

I don't intend to blame MIL to DC for house breakdown. I'm not the bitch some of you are stretching my words to conclude.

I do think she's clueless about money and has been listening to all sorts of disconnected advice and not making sense of it. Hence the IFA. If solicitors know more about money than IFAs then it's good she's got one through the divorce.

don’t let that stand in the way of painting me as the money grabbing DIL from hell

Unfortunately we don’t need to. You did that yourself this morning at 9.57 when you said you wouldn’t be talking to her on the phone, facilitating a relationship with the gcs or helping her, an 80 yr old woman out anymore over this.

I don't think you are money grabbing, but you are very invested, far more than you say your dh is.
I couldn't tell you anything about my mil finances or fil when he was alive. They both divorced and remarried.
I knew nothing of my parents money either, they never discussed wills and I didn't ask or involve myself.
It's her money, just leave it alone now, you have done something to make her contact her solicitor.
I'd just keep money between you and your dh, buy your own home and don't discuss anything with her.

Did you take any financial advice before accepting your MIL's offer Festipal? It would be a really bad idea to take thousands from a woman in her 80's. Please read mummyoflittledragon's post at 16:25. The second paragraph tells you about deprivation of assets, copied below for ease of reference.

This is called deprivation of assets, where an older person gives their assets away thus making themselves poor so that they don’t have to pay for their care home fees. www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/financing-care/gifting-assets-and-property/gifting-assets-what-are-the-rules-alp865l0wlum Being in her 80’s, it is highly likely she will need to go in a care home. If this were the case and you took the money, you could have been forced into selling your home once the money ran out.