How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

If this is all coming third hand from a friend it's easy to see how things might have become exaggerated/misunderstood.

If for example MIL expressed that she still wanted to give the money/that she had promised & how upset/disappointed her son & dil would be it's easy to see how that might be looked on as undue pressure-especially as the money isn't needed.

As for how Op will tell the kids-how trying to pull on the heartsrings is that!

OP After her accusations, I think you should see it as a blessing if she changes her will so that your kids benefit instead.

I think she's embarrassed or feeling awkward at her change of mind and is handling it badly. She's also allowed herself during her marriage and since then to lean / be supported in managing life by FIL / you / DH and is not thinking how hurtful she is being.
As you said she's entitled to spend whatever she wants but changing your mind on a long-standing agreement should be discussed not delivered so coldly by a friend.
Back away and encourage DH to for a short term. Allow her to gather her thoughts, waters to calm etc and 'if' she buys a property allow her to learn for herself how to manage the move, solicitors, bills etc.
Just because she might not mean it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Don't allow yourself to be used as a rubbing rag continuely and let her manage.

@Waspie I had absolutely no idea this was going to happen! We thought she needed advice not us! We thought we'd done everything right by her but apparently not according to MN jury and her it turns out. The deprivation of assets is immaterial now as she's buying a house and giving us £0. I understand it may have been relevant in the scheme of things but we assumed her IFA would advise her. And isn't relevant now as no money will be coming to us.

I don't know where the idea of me depriving her of contact with the GC came from. I'M going LC to protect myself from further accusations. As many people on this thread have said she has a DS and he can facilitate contact. Keep me out of it for my sanity and to avoid elder abuse accusations.

I actually do all the DIY in our house (where I have the basic skills) DH has no DIY skills whatsoever so MIL is under no illusions he'll be doing her maintenance.

If you needed more money to buy a house yet say you could up your hours I don't understand why you haven't done that and instead were relying on someone else to get you a bigger house :s

I agree with the PP that it just sounds as though she thought it was a good idea at the time but realised it left her with nothing. God knows why she couldn't see that earlier. I don't know why your husband couldn't have advised her to buy somewhere in a sheltered community so that there was nothing for her to fix or to arrange once she was there. That's what I'd suggest to my 80 year old mum. Then once she'd bought, she have all of the maintenance for herself, which would be lovely for holidays and trips out.

What she suggested (giving you both the money and paying rent, leaving herself only half the maintenance) really isn't in her best interests. It's very frustrating that she's told you she's giving you such a huge sum of money, but it was never in her interests and it shouldn't have been agreed by your husband.

Very disappointing for you - and in addition, a horrible way to be told and the accusation that you are trying to influence her will is hideous. I can see how it all happened, however I feel that she should never in a million years have made the offer, nor should it have been accepted, when she was living in a rented property and her income was from maintenance which could be stopped if her exH died or just refused to pay etc. I think you as the most financial savvy of the lot of you should have realised this and not let it go beyond the offer. However, I absolutely sympathise with you and would be fuming at this withdrawing of the offer at such at late stage plus the suggestion of financial abuse. Over to your DH.

I wonder if she thought that giving all the money to you and DH would get her out of paying care home fees in the future? If either she'd had bad advice (from someone who had no real idea) or she'd just assumed that not owning her own home would mean that she didn't have to pay?

And now someone (maybe her friend) has put her right and she's realised that you could have to sell your house if she may need care? Just clutching at straws here to try to understand where she's coming from.

It does sound like maybe you were both railroading this through and she didn’t wish to say no.

Potentially there is a miscommunication here, but she’s elderly and she’s doing right in buying and not staying in rented at her age. I’m not sure why she didn’t see that before

Either way, the right outcome has happened, and if you’d like a bigger house then up your hours as you said and save and get one.

In the meantime, stay out of your mother in laws will and stop making plans to spend her money,

You may have dodged a bullet if you were forced to sell the new house if mil needs to pay for care at any point. That would have been far worse and more stressful than what you are facing now.

A few of us his are literally explaining to you that she quite probably got embarrassed at the deprivation of assets and you cannot hear that because you’re so busy being angry at an elderly woman.

It’s quite shocking you were going to take a hundred thousand, or more, from her to buy yourselves a bigger house. It really is.

Really feel for you @Festipal. I don't think you come across money grabbing at all.

You do come across as someone who has been a good DIL to her (xmas, helping find rented home etc)... and now feel utterly betrayed and hurt at how she has implied that you are a horrible person.

I think going LC with her for your own protection is the way forward at this time. Christmas is a way off yet and you may feel better about her coming to stay like usual, but if not then DH will have to just visit on the day

Bluntness
Agreed. It would be different if this were one asset amongst many and she had enough assets to dispose of to fund care home fees for the next 20 years.

It isn't your husbands inheritance, it's your Mils money to spend or leave to whoever or do whatever she wishes with. It definitely comes across as grabby when you say that changing her will and leaving money to her DGC will be lifechanging for your family as it does mean you automatically expect your DH to inherit. Never make plans for money that is isn't yours now or in the future.
My parents are planning to leave whatever is left whilst being encouraged to live life to the fullest to DGC. DCG are also encouraging them to spend spend spend it on themselves This bypasses myself and DS and I am executer. I couldn't be happier and we all hope they enjoy their retirement.
Everyone could do with extra money, myself and DH still have mortgage and DH has just been made redundant due to Covid 19 but I would rather rely on ourselves and our own earning capability and adjust our lifestyle to our earnings than rely on any inheritance.

Did you honestly not read up on deprivation of assets or the 7 year inheritance tax taper before deciding to accept 150k from an 80 year old? Don't believe it.

It's not £100K or £150K - it's £300K!

The OP says: She suggested £300k which was her half of the family home.

She offered/promised £300k. We never agreed that amount. It was considerably less than that.

@RestaurantoffBroadway when you've pointed the 80+ year old in the direction of getting an IFA you expect them to do that job for you. We only ever said to give us what she could afford to give. I have no idea what the extent of her other assets are. I know she has ISAs, Premium Bonds and a SIPP because those are things she has mentioned but never how much is invested in any of them. She also gets a lifetime maintenance from FIL which I don't know the exact amount but I checked she could afford the single bill rental and she said she could afford double the rent and still have spare so that reassured me I was looking in the right ballpark for rental costs when she asked me to help her move out of the family home.

Why not 'up your hours or get a better paid job' to get a better home yourself?! You sound grabby as hell to me and she probably feels uncomfortable. It would serve you right if she left everything to charity. You sound grabby and very entitled.

The reason DH expects to inherit is because she told him that when she asked him to be executor. There was no presumption necessary. Her friend then suggested due to pressure from me she was thinking about leaving it all to DGC. But for the life of me I don't know what that pressure would be because I have never had a conversation with her about her will. She tried to have one and unfortunately I was stressed and brushed off the attempts because it's none of my business and I was frustrated about her trying to circumnavigate DH.

I've always paid my own way since leaving home at 18. I actually bought my first house on my own having worked since 16. DH moved in with me to pay the rent as my plan had been to get a lodger. So I've always worked for my money. I'm currently part time so I can balance work and home life but live within my means, knowing if we needed to I could up my hours to pay for what we needed. I have never asked anyone to bail me out. I am financially responsible. This was a gift for her DS and DGC (and me by association) to get a house we could stay in forever as the DC grew up and MIL grew older she could join us when she felt the time was right.

It's completely shit what happened with FIL and she's said what a great source of support I've been. I do agree with PP that her heart was in the right place. I don't disagree that she was listening to the wrong advice from friends (we NEVER advised her on her finances) and there's a good chance over lockdown she's realised she's made a mistake. I can see her future financial planning could have ended in disaster so I've certainly had my eyes opened on the bullet we've dodged. What hurts the most is she's twisted the truth to her solicitor and friend to make her less culpable for her mistakes, like we led her down this path. I cannot state strongly enough she led it all. I do see we have a responsibility to her to not let her make financial mistakes but I am being honest when I say I thought her IFA was in charge of that and having heard it directly from the IFA that she had the money to give and sufficient to live on for life (with the plan as it was - rental and lifetime maintenance) I naively believed that was fine to move ahead with.

Didn't read the whole thread but one thing you take from this is that you never ever make plans with someone else's money. And get the kids excited as well, I didn't allow myself to get excited untill I had the keys in my hand. Even with all money anything can go wrong and the sale to fall through. But thinking oh we will get this and that once she gives us the money, no! I don't rely on anyone but myself even if I have help around me. Live and learn.

I don't think you should have accepted the money in the first place given your mil is only renting. I think that is elder abuse
to be honest. How does she afford her rent? Maybe she was expecting you to ask her to come and live with you.

@allinit2gether please read the full thread where I explain lifetime maintenance of over double her monthly single bill rental. And the bit where I said the plan was to have a Granny annexe when she felt the time was right. DH is an only child so her care falls 100% on him and as a compassionate person I was completely prepared to support that.

@pinacoladalover agree. The kids looked round the house with us and got excited about the garden which would have meant we could have got a dog (we're dog lovers in our family but currently our house set up isn't suitable for a dog). So I do know as an adult not to get excited but kids are dreamers. I did try and keep them grounded.

Yes sorry I've just read it all now. My mum died recently. She was a
Similar age to your
Mil and was always trying to give
Us money (and she still owned her
Own home). It's not right no matter how tempting. £300k (if I understood) is a huge amount of money. Presumably fil only pays maintenance whilst he's alive? She would be destitute if he was to pass.