How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

That’s really sad for your dcs. Do remember that 1/3 of house sales fall through so next time all you can do is explain there was a problem and you don’t know what unless they’re older then you’ll have to give a whitewashed truth. Your dh needs to talk to his mum. You can only back away from her to protect your family.

Did she used to do this sort of thing to your dh when younger? There may be a history. I was controlled by money all my life. It only stopped when I said you do what you want with your inheritance.

If shes now accusing you of attempted elder abuse, I would stop running after her and see much less of her and always in a public place. These sort of people sometimes get police and social services involved. It's not worth the risk. Write all the money off - to you and the children. You have no idea whether someone like this will gave your running after them for years then leave it all to the dog and cat home. Sorry OP. I know it's a crushing disappointment when you were so close to a good home for the kids.

How do you know what was said to her solicitor? This has to have been an account told to you by her or an account someone else is telling you. Yet you have have said you haven’t spoken to her about it. The whole thing may be a misunderstanding or someone else stirring. Probably both.

It’s odd that at the same time you have conveyed details of how you think or want the inheritance to be distributed. In your first account it’s all about “him/us” being cut out. Then you talk about trusts for your children. At some level you and your husband are involved in discussions about the will and money. Yet you state he never had any and you never had any with her. Then you say he has been asked for advice. Then you talk about what you think she should do with her money. Added to which you know how much money she has or think you do. Because you state you know she can’t afford to buy and give you a deposit.

This is contradictory and sounds unrealistic. If neither you or your husband are involved you wouldn’t know any of this. You are involved and you have an opinion. Even I know it, so why wouldn’t your MiL.

I’m sure your account is “muddled”. But then maybe the account you have of the confidential conversation with the solicitor is muddled. What’s the difference between muddled and a lie.

Well she shouldn't have promised you money for a house if she's not going to give it to you, but other than that you shouldn't expect or assume any inheritance for you or the DC. It could very likely all go on care home fees. My DH is an only child and his parents are in their 90s, very frail and living in a big 4 bed house. We don't assume anything financially.

Sorry you're going through this op. I've no idea why she'd do this, but at least you know now.

In your shoes I'd not rely on her for money in the future. Your life will be better for this, no more uncertainty, no more being held to account for money give it loaned, and no more lies.

The dc will survive the loss of the house, start to look for one within your means, even in a smaller house you'll be happier not being held to account by anyone for money. Also presume you'll get nothing in the will. Inheritance is a gift, not a given. My dh's df skipped a generation and gave everything to the gc. We thought it was a great idea but it was a shock as we didn't know until his df died. But thankfully we weren't relying on it.

If you do the above then you can pull back from the relationship, keep it distant and polite.

Could she have Alzheimer's or something similar? This sounds like a bigger version of "My daughter is stealing my cutlery".

I would do as VettiyaIruken suggests - I think I would be quite LC with her after this as I couldnt get over the fact she was saying I was lying and trying to con her....

Just tell DC the house has fallen through......that happens all the time anyway for many reasons....blame it on covid! you probably shouldnt have got them excited about a new house without having the ink dry on the completion as it could happen for many reasons....

I can understand why you are so upset - we had a financial 'promise' from MIL that never materialised - we could still afford what we wanted to do but only just and has had an impact on our finances for years.......I am very glad we were not dependent on her support...
We have never had a penny off parents for anything this would have been the first thing!(and more tax efficient for her)..

She's very comfortable and I dont think realises the damage its done on how we feel about her........DH is an only as well but in contrast to your MIL she had always been financially astute - but has been making increasingly poor decisions as she's got older and now we only chat about the weather etc if she wants advice DH just says talk to your accountant as she has accused him of stuff as well....

Oh dear, what a mess.

How wonderful it would have been and now to have your hopes dashed unexpectedly. But maybe it's for the best because you wont be beholden ... to someone who may poss be mentally insecure?

I agree with whoever said let your DH take the lead. Together you should review your move and do what's best for you as a family as if your DML not involved. She could easily do the same to your DC and leave it all to the donkey sanctuary or have it all spent up on care home fees! If she is trying to avoid inheritance tax she maybe might want to explore with a solicitor, gifts, bequests and so forth ... it's all v sensitive.

Now you are aware of the likelihood of about turns, none of you, including your DC should rely on her money ...

Out of curiosity what is the house she is buying for? Will it be her only house for her to live in, or a rental investment property or for your family to live in? If she is buying a home for herself I don’t think you should accept her money anyway if she can’t afford her own home as well.

Her accusations sound paranoid. Could be an element of early signs if dementia as already suggested or bipolar or similar.

Horrible and unfair as it is (when she offered in good faith) I think you will have to disassociate from having anything to do with MILs money. I would maybe write to the solicitor briefly stating your side - that MIL offered help towards house purchase but seems to be getting paranoid that you and your husband are trying to influence her will and finances so you will need to withdraw from the house sale and undertake not to have any involvement in MILs finances.

For whatever reason MIL seems to feel that you are both(?) too involved?

Well that's easily solved!

And now that you know that there will be no money for a house you will have to readjust to accommodate that.

don't think she wanted to give you the money but felt obliged to. She's now finding a way to back out of it. You (and DH of course) being willing to accept such a large hand out perhaps confirmed her darkest thoughts about you being after her wealth.
What utter nonsense
Someone offers money for a house purchase as a "test" and the OP is terrible for accepting?
Honestly I think some people just want the OP to be wrong
Its controlling behaviour to offer and then set tests or withdraw at the last minute .
Sorry OP I would quietly stop looking at houses and decline any further help.

The answers last night really helped calm me down ready to sleep. And this morning these messages have been reassuring and informative.

The proceeds from the family home were split between her and FIL. She was adamant she wanted to rent as she didn't want the hassle of home ownership. She's been renting for 2 years and never once indicated she intended to buy. The cost of her new house plus stamp duty etc is pretty much what she promised us. There's definitely no chunk of money left over.

I mentioned upping my hours because I wanted to explain I'm in control of my finances and know what I can do myself. In our area we are very limited. Here's an example. Our house is worth £250k. With lower childcare costs due to youngest at school we can afford £300k house. But in our area that only gets the same as we've got and one extra thing e.g. an ensuite or utility room. £350k would get an extra single bedroom and en suite and utility. £400k gets an extra double, ensuite, utility and study. With MIL's money we would be able to get all the things we want. Without it there's really no point in moving as what more we can get we don't think is worth it for the extra cost. I work from home 2 days a week (4 days at the moment!!) so need a study. We can live without a utility room but for whatever reason round here you get one when you get an ensuite (which we'd like as the DC get older). The extra bedroom was so MIL could stay e.g. over Christmas period so she's not on her own (we usually get the DC to share). I digress.

DH was originally involved in the will being drawn up as he is executor. He didn't have discussions about it, she told him and he went 'yeah ok'. So he didn't discuss it and I only know what he told me. MIL has had a friend supporting her through the separation and asked her to call me yesterday (why me? why not DH??) to break the news. Pretty cowardly and very odd she made this about me. She genuinely has played up my involvement to her friend way more than the truth.

The house is for her to live in despite 2+ years of renting. I think her friend has put her up to this. I don't know why.

Definitely no more calls with MIL! If she wants to speak to the DC she can do it through DH. There's literally no reason I need to speak to her on the phone anymore. I helped her recently with an appliance in her home that she was struggling with. LOTS of calls to help. That's the last time. Wouldn't want to be seen to be meddling in her house. Distant and polite will be the mantra.

I worry about the elder abuse thing as that's what her friend was intimating. Basically back off the pressure on her. But it's absolutely not happening! She's pressuring DH to take an interest in her finances, presumably as she's a bit scared doing it herself and then she's pressuring me to pressure him because he's not being helpful. Because he doesn't have a clue himself. She has an IFA. We'll just divert any conversations about finances and say she needs to talk to him.

Definitely no dementia. She's always been vague but that's not changed over 20 years. She doesn't listen to what she doesn't want to hear then fills in the gaps. Frustrating but previously not my problem. Now she's made it my problem and the solution is LC from me.

I would contact her and say there is no pressure at all about her money but you have to know where you stand before progressing any further with the proposed purchase. Reiterate that you wish her to do what she really wants and not what she thinks she has committed herself to paying.

So you heard this from her friend? Are you sure it's true? I think you need a conversation with her before you go low contact to find out exactly what the issue is. Your DH should also speak to the solicitor about what she's said. You could put a letter in to dispute and such allegations.

Could the friend be after the money?

The friend was instructed to call me. The friend could only have got my number from MIL and was basically the messenger for my MIL to hide behind when delivering news she knew would upset me. Or y'know she could have called her DS and delivered it herself 🤷‍♀️ Friend has more disposable income than MIL.

I'm not sure about contacting her directly. She sent the friend because she clearly doesn't want to talk about it. That whole family has always shied away from difficult conversations. They just don't say anything hoping the problem will go away but obviously when she tells us about the change of address/we ask her to transfer the money the ignoring tactic will backfire massively!

She offered you money, you’ve committed your own money because of that (conveyancing costs) and now she’s changed her mind. She doesn’t want to give you the money. Regardless of how she’s chosen to communicate that to you you now know you can’t rely on her for anything.

So you already have your own house & could have got something better?

So you aren't renting?

She has also decided to no longer rent?

Not such a big deal that she has reneged on the money then?

I've been an executrix twice & not involved in the drawing up of the will either time.

Was also a beneficiary in both cases.

She should not have been giving you all her capital in the first place. If she got good advice not to, then it’s for the best. She must be middle aged and she needs that money. As you have said you don’t. A few thousand is one thing of she could afford it. But £100k’s! I’m not surprised someone has intervened to put a stop to it. Should have been her son.

Why would you take all her capital for a luxury house? Even if she offered.

I'm not sure about contacting her directly. She sent the friend because she clearly doesn't want to talk about it. That whole family has always shied away from difficult conversations.

But by not calling her yourself, you are doing the same.

She is entitled to change her mind, but you need to discuss it calmly with her. It has massive implications and can't just be left hanging. I'd also ask what she means about the will stuff too. Go in calmly (even if you don't feel that way) and get the channels of communication going. Tell her she can talk to you direct about these things too.

I don't know about you but if my MIL was accusing me of a financial crime I'd hire a solicitor because she sounds downright nasty

No your DH needs to call her to discuss but unless the plan is for her to eventually move in with you or you were looking to dodge care home fees in the futures its bonkers her giving money away and then renting.

Protecting elders from abuse is also turning down money if you know it's not in their best interest, I can see why solicitor is questioning it.

You really need to get Your DH to call her and get all the facts straight.

Is the friend taking advantage in any way? Perhaps this is all twisted about, DARVO style.

I think your DH needs to call her just to calmly ask a factual question. Are you pulling out of giving us the money for the house? We need to know so we can pull out of the sale if needed.

After that, it's up to him what he does about a further relationship with his DM. But I would be seriously pissed off that she's let you get to this stage of buying a house to pull out, and to not even tell you herself.

Is MIL friend male by any chance?