Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I may not reveal my feelings to someone I barely knew, or someone I knew would use it cruelly against me

I agree they are needy behaviours @menorah but I would add that I dont think people generally do these things unless they arent getting the feelings of reassurance or the feeling that the other person likes them. Well that's how I am anyway.

They can be justified to an extent. I’ve have done them myself. It’s just I don’t think cheese was being needy

I hate the word ‘needy’. It’s so pejorative. Having needs and expressing them is not wrong. Expecting respect is not wrong. menora’s excellent list of behaviours are expressions of insecurity caused by needs not being met. Insecurity has all sorts of different causes of course, but a classic cause is flogging a dead horse relationship-wise.

Totally agree telling someone they upset you isn't needy. Much healthier than sitting on your feelings, rather than worrying sharing them will make you look a certain way. Being in a relationship with someone will involve emotional vulnerability.

Mr Vegan changed his behaviour and cheesecake pulled him up on it. It might be lockdown making him bagel differently. But he knows now that it upsets her and hopefully will be more alert to the impact of his behaviour in her feelings now.

What is unreasonable is that now I want cheesecake!! 🙈😂 diets suck!!

Bagel differently!! Food obsessed. Behave differently 😂😂

Hope it's a vegan bagel @Notcoolmum 😆

I don’t like needy as I think it can be misused by people who want to abuse you! But there are clearly behaviours that are extreme insecurity and can make the recipient uncomfortable

Onesmallstep67 and TigerDater I definitely feel like time is running out for me
The pool of suitable men disappeared almost overnight once I turned 50. I don't know why and I've had many people, friends and strangers look at my profile, but I only seem to attract very overweight, football shirt wearing, beer drinking type men. Completely the opposite to the type of man I would find attractive

However, looking for a FWB on Fab, with just a couple of arty body shots, I am inundated with messages (no surprise, really). I've just been chatting with a 38yr old who said he can not understand why I haven't had more success on the conventional sites.
It's a mystery to me. I can probably get as much sex as I like (after lockdown) but I want it to be meaningful.

Being needy and expressing your needs because a situation is making you uncomfortable or upset, are two completely different things.

@EchoElephant what I found was that fab has less pretences about it, people are generally open about what they want but it's still mostly casual. I think with standard sites, there's just so much choice there and I think men have more options so yes you might often get stuck with those you aren't attracted to but who have the confidence to just message. I've had men in their late 60s message me when I'm only 42 and I think look much younger. It also amuses me on Match how many men want 'attractive' or 'very attractive' when they are pretty average themselves (IMO).

In that case echo maybe just go all out for lots of sex (after bloody lockdown) and something meaningful may grow from that? That’s how things worked for me - Mr GN’s profile on Fab was dull, his messaging has only really ever had honesty to recommend it (incredibly important and frankly sexy as that is) and he’s a bit short and fat, but from day one we clicked sexually and gradually emotionally too.

Eesha when I used Match, I found the men's preferences hilarious. "Age 50, interested in women aged 35-45, attractive or very attractive"

TigerDater That's what I'm hoping for!
I hadn't realised you met Mr GN on Fab. I like the honesty on there. A lot of what's on offer I'm not interested in but I have a couple of potential chats going on.
Hopefully a 2m distance walk and talk next weekend with one.

What is Fab please?

Fab Swingers - yup it’s a swinging site, so a piranha filled pond, but several of us have landed some good ones from there. You kind of start with sex and work backwards as it were

Love the description of Fab
Not just for swingers, though. There are a few "normal" people on there

@CheesecakeAddict I’m so pleased you got your trainers back and made him aware of how you felt. I also agree there is nothing wrong with being ‘needy’ or showing someone that you’re ‘needy’. We’re all going to feel a bit shit at times, or make someone else feel a bit shitty so it’s really important to be able to call it out and talk about it.

I hope everyones okay and not struggling too much at the moment.

Ooh fab swingers sounds fun, unfortunately I'm far too vanilla to start with sex. Although every first date (all 2 of them 😂) in my life has resulted in sex. I had a few potential hook ups on tinder but I backed out 😳.

Mr Vegan has been trying. I can see he's really struggling and yet he called and we had a chat, but he tried and that's the main thing. I'm still holding back a bit now and I'll try and text less because I don't want to come across as needy.

I just want to add, I'm not actually usually so needy. I'm just such a social person and I spend all day at work talking to literally 200-300 different people a day, then am always out with friends. This is just what isolation has turned me into 😂

So I made a fab account last night.... I perhaps wasn't as prepared as I thought I was....

Talk me through it ladies...

@cravingthelook, I only had a brief dip into the Fab pool because other situations overtook the need. But as a general rule I was told to be clear in what you write in your profile about what you are interested in or are looking for. And in that respect honesty is the best policy as the users of Fab are generally going to be from quite a sexually diverse range. Other suggestions are decide if seeing their face is important to you, whether they are single or not, how far away they are etc. That should cut the numbers down. Others who have used the site will be more helpful though. What issues have you already encountered ?

My experience of Fab May not be the most useful to you as I only lasted 20 minutes before the site deleted me! In that time I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed but had written down Mr GN’s number as his haircut, location, honesty and straightforwardness shone out. What I didn’t know then was that you don’t have to reply to every message, you can’t, there are too many. Just reply to messages from profiles that appeal.

Thanks, I've been clear on my profile what I want and what I will ignore. I've been inundated with messages. I've answered 3. I've probably discounted 1 of the three already, he sent me his number without discussing it first.
I've answered those with, polite articulate messages and attached none explicit photos only.
I guess I'll see how it goes.

I'm another who is in a relationship (of sorts) having met on Fab. In fact today is 8 months!!!

@cravingthelook I'm on Fab. My profile is very clear that I'm only looking for a local FWB, that I won't reply to winks, friend requests or messages without a face pic.

I've also updated it to say that I'm not interested in chatting to anyone new atm because I've got a few chats going on.

It doesn't stop the messages and winks. So I just delete them. If someone makes an effort but they are just too far away, then I'll send a polite reply.

It's worth paying to be a member. It doesn't cost much but you can see who's viewed you, save messages and delete photos from messages after they've been read.

You have to be quite ruthless on there. Block and delete as needed.

@cravingthelook
I see you've already had some great tips, I would like to 2nd, 3rd, 4th that you do not need to reply to every message.
Fab etiquette even says you dont have to reply and if you've sent a message and they dont reply and just delete dont keep messaging.

In my first 24hrs I had hundreds of messages, its overwhelming. I was like a kid in a sweet shop to start with - it was great!!

An honest profile is important, plus set your boundaries now. Are you happy to meet men or women or couples? Are you happy to meet people already married/in relationships?

I asked for a face photo with the first message and if they didnt send one I deleted them straight away unless their profile looked interesting and then I'd ask for one, if it wasnt forthcoming I'd delete.

Have you got any photos up? I had 2 up that were body shots but classy ones so not much on show but showed my body shape because not everyone likes every size.

I'd also chat to them for a while to get a feel for them, a bit like a dating site, I need some sort of connection before I had sex with them.
Also some people claim to be single when they're not, some people who cant accomodate have genuine reasons and some dont.

Make sure you have a social first and meet for a socially distanced walk or something.

Same rules apply as dating sites, make sure someone knows where you are and who you are meeting especially if going to their house or them going to yours.

I always think those who message as soon as you join are just preying on the newbies as one search option is new people who've joined the site.

Any questions fire away