Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Would you expect loads of messaging at the start when you are trying to get to know each other? I started chatting to an iron (Mr Posh) and it has gone from loads of fun messages and a call to nothing in the last day. I found myself being the one to initiate every day and he will engage then but has stopped initiating himself...not that into it? When we do talk he seems really keen making loads of plans for our real life date (July!) and asking questions that make him seem interested. I didn't bother messaging today after initiating contact the last few days and nothing from him.

Am I just engaging in silly game playing and should just message him irrespective of who went last or am I right to expect him to make the first contact sometimes. I really like chatting to him but its early days and I know he's probably chatting others -
I've let the other iron fall back a bit-mainly because he wants me to go to his house next week and even when I sent a cards on the table message that I dont want hook ups, I want to date and get to know someone and I wont break lockdown rules either, he still asked me would I come to his again!! I give up!

Just to update: I got my trainers and we had a chat. I told him it made me feel like shit and I genuinely thought I was being ghosted, he apologised and said he could never do that.
Anyway, we will see. I'm not putting myself second in another relationship and being miserable. I promised myself that next time I'd be an equal and I deserve to be treated like one. I'm going to go a bit slower now and pull back a bit

I think that’s a good outcome @CheesecakeAddict - if only there was some shock mechanism that could jolt us when we are slipping back to putting ourselves last!! This thread maybe

That's good news @CheesecakeAddict Hope it starts to feel like he is prioritizing you... well done for putting yourself first.

I'm new here but feel so much better hearing everyone else's stories. I totally overinvested in Mr Irish and the constant initiation of contact made me feel really uncomfortable although sadly I did enjoy his messages back. I decided to stop messaging him last Tuesday and I haven't heard anything from him at all. I still feel early sad about it :(

@FlowerArranger I'm hoping to find an man who's into culture and the arts too! I'm looking for 40s or 50s though so no competition 😂 There must be some guys out there!!

@zozobo yeah if only 😂. I've come on along way, I spent 10 years just nodding along and forgiving everything without ever voicing my opinion. This is a huge step for me.

You sound strong cheesecake. I always think we are better off holding out for someone good than accepting less than we deserve.

@Mumtolittleorange that’s exact same as me. I am trying not to message as it feels if I keep initiating I am forcing something that’s not there for him. I am little peed off as I liked chatting and felt that little spark of excitement everytime I heard from him! On to the next ones for us

@Windmillwhirl I'm not strong, I'm sat drinking wine and binge eating on my own because that conversation could have gone a whole other way and I'm a fair bit smitten with him. I just hoping he does put some importance on us

He could have just let you collect your trainers and not had the conversation so I think it’s a good sign that he insisted on talking - looks less like he’s playing you and more like he’s being truthful about struggling but sees now he will lose you if he doesn’t step up and communicate- I really hope it works out

Haven’t posted for a bit. Feeling pretty fed up, still talking to my iron but he’s getting pretty annoyed with me as I chances are I wont be able to see him for quite a while, he wanted to meet up to go for a walk (whilst distancing) but I don’t see the point, I’m pretty much stuck at home with dd2 who has ASD, chances are she won’t be returning to school until September so there’s not much chance of me going anywhere or meeting up with anyone even if we were allowed.

This is the longest I have gone without sex since splitting with my husband 5 years ago, I’m getting desperate for human contact, even a hug would be nice.

Just reading another thread about how we won’t be able to hug people (not from our households) until there’s a vaccine, what if they don’t find a vaccine? There’s loads of men out there and I can’t touch any of them 😭. Will I ever have sex again? Who knows.

I know I’m being OTT but at the moment the whole dating thing just feels impossible and being single is pretty lonely at times.

@Lovemusic33 that's exactly how I feel. I'll be 47 later in the summer, my hormones are having a potentially last blast and I can't so much as hug anyone!

I've just turned 40 and I'm very much feeling the pressure of time lately

I'm 38, just decided to come off the pill so my hormones are all over the place, feeling horny and broody (I'm a mess) 😂.

I have a few old irons messaging me. My ski been messaging me but he doesn't really do it for me and I'm fed up with him bragging about how rich he is and what cars he has bought. I need to find someone local that I can at least meet up and go for a walk with close to home, someone normal and pleasant to look at but lockdown isn't helping, having kids home isn't helping so I might as well give up.

I'm about to turn 53! Time is definitely running out for me.

However, I have a social distance date today with someone from Fab. It seems a bit pointless, as we can't do anything if we fancy each other. But he asked so I thought why not, it gets me out of the house

@CheesecakeAddict
Glad you got the trainers and the chat, he knows, it's up to him now.

Mr direct and I are having long text chats every couple of evenings. We have quite different view points at time, but that's nice that he doesn't just agree with me.
I'm quite a bit older so I know if it progresses it would be casual but I actually like that idea.
I explained to him I'm even more independent than ever and I don't want a husband, replacement father or live in man. I just want someone to connect with, to meet a couple times a week, to go out and have fun with and have great sex.
He is looking for exciting casual fun ... before it's time for him to settle down which he knows one day he will.
So yes if I pursue this it will have a shelf life. But I like him, he's a lot of fun and conversation is easy. He initiates contact as much as I. It could be a very fun sexy fling so I'm not going to over think it.

CheesecakeAddict.... By telling him that he made you feel like shit you have given him a lot of power.

Maybe focus on running for a while...

Have you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood? It's a very perceptive book.

I think you did the right thing @CheesecakeAddict I think it's fine to call someone out for shorty behaviour. And def withdraw yourself a bit now and not be at his beck and call.

I'm late 40s. Things are going well with my Bf but dread the thought of having to start all over again. I might not bother if this doesn't work out.

Shitty. Not shorty!

@EchoElephant, I hope our time isn't running out ! ( I'm 53 too) I feel raring to go.
This thread has definitely been a big help to me. Loads of supportive advice and honest reactions when we lose sight of what we deserve and should expect in a good relationship.
I'm talking to Mr Van every day and doing the quizzes. I fancy the arse off him and he makes me laugh lots. It will be interesting to see what happens when we can meet up after lockdown. We have previously dated. He is not naturally flirtatious and I respond better to someone who makes it clear theywant me.
Mr Cocky remains an unresolved issue. He is just such an intrinsic part of my life that walking away is hard. But I still struggle with wondering who else he's chatting to, even though I am doing the same myself. Trying to just sit on it until we can see each other. And finally i met up with Mr Photography while he was on a bike ride yesterday. He's asked if I'd be happy to continue with a FWB scenario until one or the other meets someone and then pick up again the next time we're both single. I agreed. It's not what I want long term but so far with him I have been able to not get too emotionally connected and just enjoy his company and the additional benefits. Still hopeful that someone amazing will drop into my life.

Saying how you feel and what you need gives YOU power, not him. Surely it’s always best to be open and honest, while accepting he may not see things the same way or be able to step up? Good luck @CheesecakeAddict.

OK all those worrying about age/running out of time: it's never too late, seriously. I hit 55 and hadn’t had sex for 10 years. I’m now 57 and, well I’ve had more in the last two years than in my early 20s, and I have a man who loves me. I think I’ve been very lucky (so far, obviously it can all come crashing down 😂) but the world can and does turn on a sixpence, for good or ill. Age in itself is not the barrier.

It gives you power as you are saying pack it in or I am off
You just have to mean it

Telling him "you make me feel like shit" most certainly conveys neediness.

Much better to assert your boundaries. As in "What you did is unacceptable to me". And definitely mean it.

No it doesn’t make you needy or say you are being needy. Confronting someone and saying ‘consequence of you doing X is that it makes me feel bad’ is absolutely good boundary behaviour. You cannot just let people get away with behaving like crap and saying nothing about it! If you do - you don’t respect yourself

Needy behaviour is;
Texting someone too much
Asking for reassurance all the time
Assuming they don’t like you and trying to get their attention
Creating drama

Often times when people are wary to speak their mind it's because they are afraid of losing what is already an unfulfilling relationship that causes heartache.

I think at the heart of it is many would prefer someone to no-one, even if the someone causes them pain.

Never revealing your feelings is poor communication it does not lead to good intimate relationships. If someone gave me a boundary that if felt was harsh, with no emotion involved I would feel like it was a work interaction! I would say to someone I manage ‘what happened was unacceptable’ and include no emotion. Because it’s not an appropriate setting

but to a friend, family member or romantic partner I would always add on ‘as it upset me’ or ‘it felt like X’
Then that person can reflect how they made you feel not just their behaviour