Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

That's exactly it. He knows what he's doing as he is messaging me unprompted that he's sorry and needs space etc. But it does literally feel like he's woken up one day and just thought "nah" and forgot to relay that back to me.

Ok. I think in this situation there are a couple of options.

Dial it all back down just like you have been and don’t chase him at all, see how things go over time - but this is causing you anxiety. And he’s kind of breadcrumbing you a little by keeping up a low level of interaction

Or you could take control of the situation by non confrontationally saying to him that you think it’s best for you to put things on hold, this doesn’t work for you but you wish him the best etc, restrict your SM and get your shoes back

Having met these men before
They do like the chase part, it’s all exciting. But admitting you suffer from moods and ignore people is a bit of a red flag. 9/10 these men do come back to you in some way shape or form, but you already now don’t trust them anymore and they then keep doing the same thing. I would love to say give him the benefit of the doubt but I think you have been more than generous to him for a while now

@CheesecakeAddict did you get your running shoes back? I would definitely ask him to leave those out for you. Apart from that I would completely leave him be. Maybe he does have issues. Maybe he is just messing you around. Either way it doesn't sound like pursuing this is enhancing your life and focusing on it is stealing your time from you.

I'm learning this lesson myself with someone I met last year and really liked but basically rejected me romantically while maintaining a friendship. As much as I like him and I think he likes me, it's not, and won't ever be, enough.

It is stealing time. Very much so

No, I never got them back. I am going to ask him to leave them out though. I feel really hurt by all this and I'm not sure why he strung me along all these weeks if he wasn't interested

Those of you who are several sites: do you use the same profile and photos for all of them?

I understand that OLD is a numbers game. I also accept that the pool of late 50s/60s men is not likely to be huge. I got quite a few likes and matches to begin with, but it's all dried up.

I didn't know it's possible to view profiles without subscribing. So it is possible that the people I messaged could not respond?

If it's true that the arts are of no interest to the majority, that is truly sad. I must be living in a bubble. But I'm in London and was hoping this wouldn't be so difficult.

@FlowerArranger OLD is difficult.
I had the same pics and bio for each site and then when I had a feeling for my preferred site, I came off the others

Hi everyone.

How do you avoid over investing in someone? Especially during current times?
I have been chatting to Mr Eyes for over 6 weeks now. We seem to have a lot in common and were chatting loads but then I found myself getting too invested so stepped back a bit, but now the chatting has built up again.
I am really looking forward to meeting him once this is all over, but I'm fully aware it's not 'real' yet and don't want to end up hugely disappointed.

@CheesecakeAddict Sadly I think there are some people that race into things with very high hopes and then doubt themselves when the initial thrill wears off. It’s a bit like the really keen January gym goers. They resolve to do it better this time but at the first struggle they collapse in on themselves and old habits. See it as him not being ready for you. Sorry it hurts. Oh and get yer runners back !

@30somethingandforeversingle learning not to over invest would be the holy grail to many of us!
I'm a classic overinvestor and inevitably get hurt in most cases so if you ever discover it please let me know 🙏🏼

@CheesecakeAddict

He was interested in you - agree it’s maybe a novelty for him or reality kicking in that he has to actually put effort into something!

@30somethingandforeversingle

I now try not to get over invested in someone by keeping it light also no following on SM, don’t worry about good morning/night texts either too much and just keep thinking that there might be a connection but not a spark so you are both testing the waters

@Menora might be a bit late for that He sends me a lovely goodnight message every night! Oh and sometimes a video message too

This is a guy I 'met' on fab. It's not going to end well

@30somethingandforeversingle you never know if it will end well or not, and that’s the nature of OLD and indeed life. Just because he’s from Fab is not in itself a predictor. If you feel like you are over investing then the advice is usually to have other irons I think?

You don’t basically want to move to an exclusive relationship before you have even kissed or had sex 😂
It’s nice he sends you the messages but I often will say night I’m going to bed then put my phone on DND and then focus on work in the morning and not the iron the moment I wake up. I’m not rude to Mr Return but I don’t reply every time straight away or do the whole good morning/night thing because I only do that to my DC and he is not my boyfriend yet - so don’t feel bad about stepping back from doing that
Also it’s ok to have plans but try not to plan anything too far ahead with this guy

Also if you find yourself thinking about him a lot or texting him every time you think of him this can lead to being over invested

Thanks.
I have been working so don't reply all the time straight away, as is the same for him too. Just sometimes we will have a bit of text tennis etc. I do have other irons, but they don't draw me in quite as much.

@CheesecakeAddict.... I'd send no more messages other than asking him to leave your sneakers out for you to collect. If this won't wake him up, nothing else will.

At least the Dutch government is thinking about singles...

www.google.com/amp/s/www.standard.co.uk/news/world/dutch-government-sex-buddy-government-lockdown-a4442276.html%3famp

So I asked him to leave my trainers outside and he sent a long message about how he doesn't want to leave them outside and he wants to see me with lots of xxx at the end. I'm going to go over later for a conversation (socially distanced) because I've decided I'm better than this. Either he does want to keep seeing me, in which case it's time to put the effort back in again and no more excuses. Or I call whatever it is we were doing off because it hurts too much to wait around.

Good for you @CheesecakeAddict your emotions and needs are equally as important as his

Well done cheesecakeAddict It's not all about what suits him. If you aren,t getting what you want after your talk then walk away and free yourself up to meet someone else. Plenty more men out there.

Well done @CheesecakeAddict! Make sure you get your trainers before you do the conversation though. We don’t want a hostage situation!

@CheesecakeAddict

Don't let him give you more of the same, you deserve more and something tells me he knows this. otherwise he would have indeed just let trainers out. Hope he comes to his senses- his loss if he doesn't!