Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

onesmallstep why’d you have the hiatus?

I think it kind of depends on a lot of factors and there’s no real “easy answer” without some trade-offs?

Traditionally I’ve always been in the “focus on one person” school (early conditioning plus lack of time).

But I’ve just been whatsappping someone I met for a couple of OD meets last year , no sex, he’s met someone else, but we have a lot in common so have loosely stayed in touch and are looking forward to a walk and an ice cream soon!

I think in this situation as long as you’re clear with MrVan so he’s not booking the church and telling his parents about you whilst you’re meeting other guys that’s fine , but it sounds like there’s ambiguity there still?

@cravingthelook

You sound giddy and I would encourage you to enjoy it as much as possible whilst keeping expectations low. You only live once if this makes you happy, do it...

Not every thing has to be a happily ever after ( I mean it doesn’t have to last for 20 years )

I live audio notes actually- tone and inflection are not in WhatsApps and it’s nice to hear a really nice message.

Must just be me then, I’ve never used audio notes, I hate my voice though!

That’s such a great idea myfabby

“enjoy it as much as possible whilst keeping expectations low”

I mean dating should be fun but also remembering “gives good date/flirt/banter” doesn’t mean someone is a decent reliable person or there’s going to be a permanent connection long term.

I do audio notes all the time

@Onesmallstep67

I’m going to say no, please don’t
This guy is really not that reliable and I don’t think you need to do this. Why do you want to do it? What are you trying to show him?

Thanks for your thoughts. @Bunkbedpeople, the hiatus was due to him struggling with grief over his mom's death. By his own admission he's not good at dealing with things so retreats. We had sporadic contact but things have become much more regular again, chatting lots.
@Menora, you're right, he hasn't proven himself as someone who can be relied upon. I think by nature I want to be ' faithful ' and it seems wrong to be actively chatting with ( or more ) other guys. I wouldn't like to think that he's talking to several women. I'm not sure I have actively told any guy I have been seeing that I was also dating others. I am pretty sure that Mr Van would tell me where to go if he thought I was seeing anyone else.

onesmallstep

I don’t think you can force exclusivity?

If you haven’t had a formal chat about monogamy expectations and are just dating/seeing each other (and haven’t in person for a while) then however good it might be it’s not a formal committed relationship?

Can you not message him and say “just planning my summer socially - are we planning on dating exclusively for after lockdown? Let me know your thoughts ”?

Many people give good date and it’s tacky to discuss others you’re dating with the person you’re with

but the modern way is definitely discretely having a few contacts on the go? So even if you don’t think he’s chatting to others or considering other options he may well be.

I mean I haven’t used WhatsApp most of my life so maybe I’m a bit behind but “chatting is cheap” - I’ve had lots of interesting supportive dialogue on this thread it’s not like I’m on a romantic promise to anyone here! (You’re all beautiful I’m sure )

I’m surprised you haven’t actively told any guys you are dating others. I always make it clear I am so they know where they stand. I think it’s always good to be clear on expectations. I don’t want them getting carried away any more than I want to.

I think my difficulty is that it feels like Mr Van and I are not just testing the water as he's now been in my life for 7 months. It's not been plain sailing and clearly not a full blown relationship. I have dated other guys and I still chat to some but I know I view Mr Van as number 1. I wish I had the self confidence /empowerment to think that it's all MY choice what I do with whom. But once my feelings get engaged it's so difficult to maintain an emotional distance.

I have had a massive cull of chats today. No one is really sparking my interest or they just seem to want to text and not meet. The few that supposedly want to meet aren't putting much effort into suggesting a time or a place. I am swiping left a lot more than right so I don't know if I'm being too picky or if it's just the selection of men at the moment.

@onesmallstep67 the thing is, it is your decision if you want to see other people or not. It's his decision if he wants to keep seeing you regardless and remain no. 1. But he doesn't have the right to dictate that this is a monogamous relationship if you are not there. Equally, if you do want the monogamous relationship, you do have the right to bring it up.

@Dancerinthemoonlight yep I'm with you on that. I barely like anyone that is coming up recently and I'm just deleting conversations if they bore me or as soon as a red flag appears of any kind.

I’m stuck with a pile of study textbooks dancer can swap if you like?

How long do you usually take to bring up the idea of meeting? I’ve gone in quick before, but I’m not sure if the modern way is to be online more first (and if I’m missing out on quality guys as they’ll take their time more)

@bunkbedpeople I will take the text books. Far too much time on my hands and I actually like learning.

@cheesecakeaddict where are all the decent men. They don't seem to have received the memo that it's okay to meet people at a distance. We aren't on dating apps for a pen pal, its to meet someone and go on dates, even if they have to be socially distanced for awhile

@Dancerinthemoonlight at this stage I'll take a pen pal. I just can't find anyone that I can get excited about.

@CheesecakeAddict I can't say I'm really excited about them but then I don't know if it's just me having an off day. It's hard to tell just from a picture and not having heard their voice or seen them properly.

I have to agree about not finding anyone who’s exciting me. Had a few nice chats, profile has been fun, confident looking, but then calling has been a disappointment with them being quite negative/complaining about various things (their ex, expensive divorce, how unsociable people are and that they haven’t really got any friends).

Honestly think they have a personality swap as soon as the phone rings 🙄

I don’t get why you’d do that with someone you a) don’t know and b) want to make a good impression with. I’m actually fairly introverted but I felt like I geeing everything along. That was 3 altogether not just one guy but still...

Are calls maybe daunting for some people?
Still one potential iron I’ve not spoken to yet...

Does it annoy anyone else being called hun or babe/baby/babes or is it just me?
I really feel like telling them that I have a name and it's not Hun etc

I’m tiring of it all too! And I’ve only been at it a month or so main iron is gone weird, another guy messaging but just seems to send big long posts of words making little sense and certainly not moving the conversation along. Another one I liked is gone awol. I’d love to move from messaging to calls but seriously it’s hard getting that far!
How does tinder work? Is it based on your location so you will see everyone that lives nearby or can you be vague about your location? I’m only on pof and want to check tinder out but I’m afraid every local person from my very small town will be checking out my profile I prefer to look to the bigger city nearby.

And I hate been called hun! Or hey sexy messages! Have you forgotten my name :)

@zozobo it's based on your location. It doesn't say where you are just how many miles away from them you are. You can set it up so it shows you profiles from 1to 100 miles away

@ZoZoBo Yeh I had the same worries as you about location, like I’d get my neighbours but actually it’s ok.

I mean I have spotted a few faces I vaguely know from around the city but you’re there, they’re there, everyone’s there ....it’s not like a dirty secret using a dating site!

@Bunkbedpeople- thanks- I know it’s not a secret and I’m not ashamed as such - I just live in a very small town where my ex lives too and people talk about everyone! Our marriage breakdown was great gossip fodder and someone would delight in showing him my profile!
I’ve only seen one or two people I ‘know’ on pof so maybe I’ll stay put!
Thanks @Dancerinthemoonlight too

@Ihavenicelegs that really isn't a good sign if they're moaning on the first phone call! I'd exit stage left sharpish for those ones.

@ZoZoBo a month is plenty long enough for one stint on online dating I find! It's just a bit soul destroying scrolling or swiping through people as if they were products, I find. And time consuming for very little return usually too! That said, I connected with someone last night who I seem to have lots in common with. Chat was good but we'll see. I'm going to try and abide by the rules this time - nothing is real until it happens, and not get over invested!

@Misty9 I need a reread of those rules myself and the swiping thing is so true ...I’m not sure I’m cut out for this at all

@ZoZoBo, you probably already know this but you can change your location on Match, pof and OkCupid. I know having pics means some people may recognise you but it does just keep you a little off the radar from people who live in your immediate locality and means you are less likely to be spotted by your ex. Obvs then when you get chatting to someone you like you can just give a reasonable reason for living half away from where you said.

Someone up thread suggested I put 49 instead of my real age, 50 as 49 can be a cut-off age for a lot of men doing age searching. I don't know what to do about that. I can see the logic but then don't want a man who would only look for women younger than himself (I tend to look for men in the few years younger and a few years older range). I suppose I don't want to convince a man around my age that I'm good enough...I think I'm pretty bloody smashing 😁. Or am I being naive - do most men look for younger women only?