Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@UtterSocks what a cunt waffle. I'm sorry he's hurt you, but it doesn't sound like you are a poor judge of character, it sounds like he did a bit of love bombing and drew you in. People like that are pros at what they do.
Mr Sombrero was basically just a pen pal and I just lost interest so I decided to cut him. So I am back to 0 irons now 😂.

It will be weird having a meet with my MrMilitary!

Summary: we had two hot dates last year ( few reservations but also good stuff and wouldn’t mind seeing what happens).

He might be back near me to see his family before next deployment so we may meet up then.

I’m a bit funny about casual dates coming to my place - so even without SD he’d have to get a hotel and if they aren’t open then 🤷‍♀️

I’ll basically just “be open but let him do any organising/heavy lifting” - if something happens spontaneously I’ll go with it but I’m not going to be drawn into really planning or putting in too much effort?

We’re not in a relationship and he’s going away for six months

So I know I’ll regret it if I don’t try to meet, but also I’m not going to give all my dating energy to “making it work”. It’s at the “you do you I’ll do me” stage.

For new SD dates, I guess it’s just we initially agree to meet and take a bottle of water or something?

There’s actually a couple of parks near me with coffee and icecream shops nearby so I’ll suggest we meet there and if it’s going well I’ll let him “flash the cash” and get me a takeaway coffee.

Uttersocks we’ve all been there, you’re not a poor judge of character - this guy targeted you and sadly has and will do the same to others.

Well done in breaking things off, take a few deep breaths, get yourself back out there!

Weirdly he got super offended and blocked me when I accused him of being a player. Because apparently, you know, he sees himself as a really nice guy who was just not ready for a relationship and I "put him on the spot " (the subtext being it was all my fault for asking if we would still see each other after lockdown). Anyway he unblocked me and phoned me and I got all the "it's not you it's me, you are lovely and deserve more than I have to give" nonsense. Because he wanted my forgiveness so he could still believe in himself. And I forgave him and now he can go and hurt someone else. But I can't trust myself again. Back on the apps and have so many irons chasing me. Younger and better looking than him. But I can't allow myself to believe they are genuine. Because absolutely nobody came across as more genuine than Mr Beard in the early days. He was absolutely professional about it. 😪😪😪

@Uttersocks, he's a fuckwit and you have done nothing wrong. It sounds like you're frustrated with yourself for hoping and believing that his attention was genuine. There's no way you could have know all the details of his previous encounters.

@UtterSocks

I’m so sorry to hear this I hope you are ok

What would you do if someone sent you a message (as a first message) but it was blatantly one they sent out to everyone? I have a sneaky feeling he's just after insta followers (do people do that?)

Follow your instincts cheesecake I think there’s a lot of users/attention seekers online (and in the real world).

Any open social situation there’s always lots of users “fishing” to see if they can get stuff/sell stuff/get invited to a party/have somewhere to crash.

uttersocks He is clearly a very well practised manipulator and that does not reflect on you at all.

I think hairyarse put it very well. He has lost something special, you have lost nothing worth having x

It totally sucks though. 💐

What’s everyone’s experience of bumble by the way?

I’ve just downloaded it but don’t want to create a profile yet. Are there lots of people on it?

Uttersocks you're not an idiot. You're a wonderful person who thought they'd found someone great, because that was the side of himself that he showed you.
People like him know how to manipulate and tell you just enough truth to make you believe him.
It leaves you feeling horrible and vulnerable. Take care of yourself

In my experience it is exactly the same people who are on tinder. I used to double Match a lot

It is still going well with Mr Return
Although I am perplexed by his unconventional childcare situation a little bit. He really doesn’t want to talk about it much and is very much ‘it will all be fine’ but also he’s worrying I’m going to get bored of waiting around for him. I’m not waiting around for him I am pretty busy and we are SD anyway so I don’t feel like it’s an issue now but it could be an issue in the future I suppose?

@Bunkbedpeople depends where you live.
I've never had a single date from it in 6yrs. Other single friends, male & female, have said the same.

But others on this thread have had success with it.

@UtterSocks

Please take this the right way, I want to give you a shake (same way as I hope people will do for me)

You are not responsible for other people's behaviour- only your own. Learn from it and move on. Don't use this to shut yourself off, just approach it slightly more guarded (easier said than done I know). Not too guarded you need to be open to opportunity too.

I'm finding myself very into Mr Music and I want to do that all in rush of adrenaline but forcing myself to just be chill. His messages just make me smile. There is so much chemistry and I'm really hoping that he's a good one.

@UtterSocks

I think you were right to push for details and ask him I am glad you did. I feel like your instincts were telling you something was wrong you just didn’t know what it was

Had my first date yesterday. Met in a park and sat on a bench and chatted, it was lovely, he was so easy to talk to and we easily passed a couple of hours then went our separate ways. I expected a message when I got home to say let’s do it again or thanks but no thanks. But theres been nothing. Complete silence. I don’t know whether to leave it or message him.
If I message him do I just say it was nice to meet you or do I say I take it from your silence you’re not interested? Or what?

onthewaves well done on the first meet going ok

I’d message quite lightly - “ was lovely meeting you yesterday, let me know if you want to do it again” and leave it there. So he knows you’d be up for it if he’s shy but also that you’re not just going to do all the chasing.

Get back on with other dates etc

Thanks bunkbed

I just need to gush a little.... Mr Music spent yesterday chatting music and joking. He keeps sending me audio clips instead of typing messages but I love it. He said something that he turned into a joke about a Rhianna song (and sang a bit jokingly) and I sent him a few puns using Rhianna song titles and he was totally impressed by my pun game. He even got the guitar out and sent me a mini video of him mimicking her.
(He's a singer and a music tutor/music therapist) it's funny and hot! But feels relaxed.

He was very tactile and the physical chemistry was immense.

I'm just putting it here because I'm aware I'm getting carried away and hoping that telling you helps me be cooler.

He's messaged morning today but not said a lot, I did say I was smiling and he said good. I said I hoped he hand a great day and he said I think I will and added a smile and kiss.

He's working a lot the next few days and I have my wee one as well. It might be next Wednesday before we are both free. Can't wait!!

I hope this one works out

In the meantime I have a coffee/walk date for an hour tomorrow afternoon

@OntheWaves40 I completely agree with what @Bunkbedpeople said

craving that does sound promising though I think the audio clips would be too weird for me!

I have a walk date on Sunday but he’s suggested a place that’s quite hilly, I’ve agree but now I’m worried I’ll be getting all sweaty and out of breath!

@uttersocks as others have said his behaviour isn't your responsibility. Dating involves so much trial and error and sadly I have found the charming man to typically be a player. The kind that looks you in the eyes like you're the most fascinating creature alive on date 1. The kind that romances you straight out of the gate. As the recipient it's pretty natural to see this as evidence of their attraction specifically to you.....rather than a practised charm to get what they want.

@Bunkbedpeople he’s replied! Apparently the last thing I said to him was I’d message him so he was waiting, didn’t want to hurry me! Glad I took your advice!

How does everyone feel about putting all your eggs in one basket ? I ask because I have always been a bit of a plate spinner and it feels a bit scary to let some irons fall to the wayside.
I ask because I am in a bit of a quandary with Mr Van. When we dated previously I focused solely on him. We had a hiatus in February and March but have been back in touch since lockdown kicked in. We seem to be doing well but we haven't actually seen each other in person for over 4 months. I bit the bullet today to check where we stand with each other because as ridiculous as it might sound we talk every day but rarely flirt, which has always been the case.( sex and intimacy was fantastic but apart from holding hands he was not one for public displays of affection ) He said as far as he's concerned we are seeing each other but lockdown is keeping us apart. I can accept this although I do worry how long any of us can actually sustain potential relationships without being able to add in the physical elements. Would it be advisable to not put all my eggs proverbially in his basket until such time as we have actually reconnected IRL ?

It depends how you feel about the others I guess.