Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I do a thing and I'm doing it again. Conversation goes well, we arrange to meet, I panic and start finding flaws trying to persuade myself I need to back out. I have a walk agreed with Mr Frenchie who I wasn't sure is a bit boring anyway. Also got a video date set up with Mr Camping for today and now I'm worrying because his WhatsApp picture is no where as good as his tinder pics.

@DoneWithLove yes and I just admit I swipe mostly younger men.

Mr Music had his kids quite young so we at a similar stage even though he's younger. He sent me a wee snippet of video of him singing along to music in the car this morning. Oh did I get the flutters, he's funny and quirky and confident. Trying not to like him too much. We hoping to chat tonight once we both have kids settled.

@DoneWithLove Do you mean you fancy the younger ones ? Otherwise I think it's quite rare to come across someone in your age group that you fancy just from their photos, or even from chance encounters in real life. It's feeling increasingly miraculous as I get older !

I’ll be like hmm all summer feeling awkward in my cute dresses
and canary man
haha that made me laugh too.

Happy Monday everyone!

what do you mean @hairyarsedman?

Twinkle - canary man did have said canary on his cheek, it must be the same one.

Another I found was one with post it notes all over his face in a similar location.

@ihavenicelegs Just that (for me) it's pretty rare to come across someone I fancy so I don't expect that much from online dating. Maybe it's just general jadedness - it wasn't a comment on women my age, as a good amount are pretty decent and if I was to honestly compare myself to them, I think they've put more effort in than I have.

I forget what age group you are @HairyArsedMan? So, if you were messaged by a woman whom you didn't feel attracted to (from a picture), would you reply? I struggle to discern attraction just from a couple of (usually poorly taken!) photos. I've messaged a few guys but rarely get a response...so am wondering if I'm just punching above my weight maybe?!

I think I only found two or three men on online dating that I ‘fancied’ I just don’t think pictures do it for me. I didn’t particularly like Mr Rs pictures but he had a sexy voice and energy that meant he was irresistible in the flesh.

Am I the only one who would be tempted to meet a man with a canary on his cheek just because I like a silly sense of humour?

@hairyarsedman That's funny because I thought men were quite visual... suppose that's maybe why women do make more effort - to grab your attention?

I get that there's way more to attraction than physical attributes though. I'm proabaly a slow burner too in that I rarely feel immediate attraction but I do usually feel that pique of interest and want to know more

I just can't find any I fancy, apart from the odd one that I message that doesn't reply.

So if we all struggle to find profiles we're attracted to...what makes you send a message or reply, other than physical looks? Or, to put it a different way, do you message profiles you don't find attractive?

@Misty9 I will be 50 in a few weeks. I would reply to a message if I wasn't interested I would say so as nicely as possible. I reply to everyone - but I would change my mind on that if there were lots of messages. A couple of women I dated were dealing with hundreds of per day and there was no way they could handle that amount of replies. Fortunately Match has a screening feature in which you can just send a polite decline with a click of a button.

@Ihavenicelegs Yeah there no denying the initial curiosity that the apps all work on is based on looks but there's still got to be something else to it as you say.

I rarely fancy men from just their photos (I'm basing this on previous OLD few years ago as haven't really started this time yet). I definitely find a witty profile which doesn't have too many "she must be slim, she must be attractive ." etc. I think you can spot a bit of wit and fun in a bloke from what he writes usually and I find that so attractive. I don't think I ever really went after blokes just based on how they look, although obviously we like what we like looks-wise. I think a natural smile, confidence and rumour (don't mean stand up comedian, just that instant click where you find each other funny) is so sexy.

@Misty9 i try and reply to anyone who seems like they have put in some effort into their initial mails. For me, it's average looks but witty chat, and enthusiasm/openess which reels me in but I've found that these never seem to go anywhere for me....!

I don't think I've been very successful with the apps and am almost ready to give it up as it just makes me second guess myself more than i should. Ive been looking into anxious avoidant personality types as that might be me and probably doesn't help when I'm looking to meet someone.

Hi all, hoping I can rejoin you. Have posted previously under different name and been lurking ever since.

Been doing OLD for a year now and still to find the one. I thought I had found someone that for the first time in ages I was optimistic about but despite having gone on a few dates prior to lockdown and then continuing chatting/messaging/videoing during he ended up slow fading me at 9 weeks in so that was that.

Back on apps and chatting with a few. Had a socially distanced walk with one who seems nice. I'm determined this time to not put all my eggs in one basket though as i generally do that and then nothing comes of it and I've given up already on others I was chatting to and back to square one 🤦‍♀️ struggling though as despite me not owing anybody anything at moment it still feels like being dishonest and also struggling to work out whether because I'm talking to a few im not completely hung up on one or is it because im not that into him 🤷‍♀️

Added complication is that I quite like someone in real life but cant have a relationship with him without it causing issues (both single but too outing to go into it) so this maybe making me not be fully into anyone too 😖

Loads of chat on this thread since I last posted - glad the date went well @Menora:)
Regarding the looks and fancying I swipe on men when they have a nice photo and their profile has something in it that makes me smile or I have in common. If I get a message and it’s more than Hi I will usually respond. I do rule out anyone shorter than me though!
I’m chatting to one iron a lot have had a few calls shared more photos etc but a conversation we had last night has made me doubt things so now I don’t know how to proceed. He seemed to be backtracking on a lot he said and my reading is he wants a hook up or a FB type set up which I do not want. I need to raise it and don’t quite know how - we are planning to meet soon for a date so I need to communicate this soon don’t I ?
I started to chatting to another guy over the last few days and he seems lovely but I have a slight niggle that he is a widower with 3 children similar ages to my 3 so don’t know if we would ever work out dates!
Few others messaging me including one guy profile says he’s 50 who has messaged twice saying ‘Be my fantasy mom I'm 30’

Attraction is such a funny thing, and I don’t think we’ve ever got a complete handle on it.

I mean it’s kind of a product of other things in our lives as well?

A lot of my early relationships were coloured by a traumatic upbringing with quite a lot of drama/unpleasantness

I’m very happy with the woman I’ve become (and actually looking back at photos of me I was really cool
and I didn’t need to compromise ac much as I did !)!

But I felt I had to “settle” for the kind of guy who would be grateful to take me and my problems on, and happy to take on the role of providing social stability for me.

I had low self-esteem and was embarrassed to date/socialise with normal people because my narcissistic parents would track them down and cause scenes.

But that wasn’t necessarily someone I was physically attracted to (often a bit “odd-looking” and the guy who most other women had turned down - not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the kind of person I felt uncomfortable with and never looked at and thought “wow”). It was unfair on them and unfair on me.

Even now I find myself feeling I “ought” to take on the bloke I’m not actually drawn to as it’s “safer”.

I think also there’s an element sometimes of strongly wanting people who have those qualities which represent something we want in ourselves?

I’ve really liked dating military guys as they often have that confident sociable vibe and give good date (though realistically if I was with a military guy long term, it’s not like they’d be around to support me much emotionally - the sociable side is for them and their comrades!)

Ive got into Buddhism a lot over the last few years and it’s really helped with becoming more aware of my past relationship patterns so I know if I’m just following negative ones.

What I’m looking forward to doing is mindfullydating and socialising” a bit?

Not having any end goals, like a monogamous relationship by this year or “ticking boxes”? Or even “falling in love”? Or “having fun”?

Just going out and taking my time and checking in with how I feel about men and situations rather than what I ought to do.

And not having big expensive complicated alcohol fuelled meets - just talking over coffee and if the vibe is a bit asexual, then not trying to force it.

I like your posts @Bunkbedpeople and you sound like someone I could have interesting conversations with. Which is kind of what I want from a man I suppose! My pattern has often been of meeting men irl who turn out to only want me for one thing. So I seem to be sexually attractive it seems? But I get little to no interest on dating apps. Granted I also rarely find profiles which attract me, but for example I sent 5 messages since last night and have had no responses. I'm going to hope it's my location?! Otherwise I don't know what to think. My profile is hidden so I don't get unsolicited messages, but on tinder in the past I rarely got matches, and on bumble I have previously messaged around 8 or 9 guys and got no replies.

@Eesha I too am close to giving up, again. There must be a better way to do this then online dating?! I don't know about others, but it wasn't much better or different before lockdown... I think I'm quite a decent prospect but it seems I'm alone in that 😂

That's nice if you reply to messages @HairyArsedMan and I think it's usually pretty clear if there's no interest and things peter out of their own accord, even if one doesn't outright say no thanks.

That’s a really good post @Bunkbedpeople! I like the idea of going with the flow and checking on yourself and how you are feeling - better than worrying how you are making this man feel. I think I’ve started to question my chats with this man because when I really asked myself is this who I want to be with the doubts come flooding! My main worry is I don’t trust myself because I’m terrified and what if it’s fear holding me back rather than some instinct telling me no

I actually go wow cor at the super fit ones and don’t swipe them because they are clearly some kind of bot 😂

Anyone I have been fully fancying fanny flutters from just a photo either has ghosted me or been a twat. I had a very good looking one who seems to have been on there for 2 years, always swipes and unmatched me and never talks to me. Absolute hot but not

Attraction for me is usually eyes and voice. And like nice hands. Also who can make me laugh. I find certain little things attractive like hands and their laugh. You just know when it’s ick don’t you But I need to see those things

I also do seem to prefer slightly younger men now. Around 34/35 seems to work for me.

With myself I don’t know I did really seem to think I was an loveable fatty and ended up with very low opinion of myself and that an intelligent nice guy wouldn’t want me, so ended up with the guys balancing on the edge of wrong.... probably thought that was what I was worth

But I feel so much more attractive and confident in the last 2 months it’s not Mr Return it’s me.

Unlovable fatty 😂

Also counselling has shown me i was never nurtured as a child so seem to be drawn to men who need mothers well no more!

@Bunkbedpeople I totally resonate with what you wrote there. The need to settle. I'm not going to do it again though, which I think is why I'm getting so worked out before meeting them, because I'm looking for evidence that I am settling.

Talk me through a video date. Do you get all dressed up because it's the first time you are meeting up, or more casual? (I actually want to take my bra off and put my pjs on but my 'date' isn't for another 3 hours 😂)

But how do you detect nice eyes and hands from their profile pics @Menora? Or do you generally just reply to ones who message you first if you like their profile?

Maybe I'll unhide my profile...
I too have childhood trauma and married a man like my mother - incapable of giving me love or meeting my emotional needs...

God I agree @Menora, eyes are important. I love a man with smiley eyes. I know that sounds corny but there's a sort of kindness that comes through. Also I'm quite tall (not Amazonian but fairly) and I do like a tall man. But I'm bit worried that's sexist of me and I should pretend it's of no consequence to me