Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

What kind of things do you put?! Sorry for all the questions I’m just so new to this all! Xx

Ok I literally had about 5 photos
One face shot
One of me not dressed up but full body doing something fun
A few other kind of photos nothing serious not pouty

Then profile literally says along the lines of (this is a summary not the actual wording) that I eat a lot of cheese & beef monster munch, know all the words to an old rap song, love cringing out my DC and Marvel - never DC.
It’s all true and also seems to appeal to men I would want to talk to

tiredmum I’m not very experienced on tinder as I’ve only used other sites before?

My feeling from a brief encounter last year was that you get lots of matches then it filters down to only a few chats, and a few meets?

When I was on tinder I got first messages from enough to keep me busy

(I’m not saying I’m a model, but I was stressed with work so couldn’t have too much time on it).

But I think IF I wanted to start a conversation I’d just say something small like “Hi/Hey/Smiley face/wave” in the chat box?

Then let them continue.

I’d say hi to loads of people (not be too offended if some got ignored or some were rude/weird) and see who responded positively.

I wouldn’t try too hard or say anything else.

The reason is I think I’d want someone to look at my profile and be keen on me, not just keeping up a conversation out of politeness?

When I was on plenty of fish and match, whenever I wrote detailed emails to anyone I’d get replies out of politeness but they always tended to fade out.

@bunkbedpeople it was the oh that's why your single. You might be hot but you do go on and on and on.

I really don't know why I have so many matches but I'm not complaining. Gives me more chance of finding the needle in the haystack that we all are looking for.

@Tiredmum8 I leave it a few hours and if they don't start a conversation then I message them. Sometimes it's a comment on their profile or I have 2 go to starter lines that I stole from bumbles suggested. If they don't respond after a few days then I just unmatch and move on

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Sometimes it’s just the little random social things....they might be nice and actually a great catch when they lose the nerves but in online dating there’s always someone better a swipe away.

I have actually been on two dates with nice guys, in shape, tall, good jobs.....30 something.

BODY ODOUR 🤷‍♀️ I actually agreed to second meets just as one meet might be a one off but it was a permanent thing.

Part of me was SO tempted to send an anonymous message as I can imagine most women would be put off, but I chickened out

(I grew up in a neglectful household so know the situation from the other side and just a quick reminder to “you need to use Mitchum” might really have helped them?)

@bunkbedpeople I don't think he was nervous at all. He said that he knows he could be a better listener but still went on. He would be the perfect catch for someone who is as politically minded as him. It just all seemed one noted on politics and the economy. What he would do and the political stances of other countries. That last call we had was heading in a political direction but he had to go before it got there. Im going to give him another chance because he seems lovely I will just try to steer the conversation onto anything but covid 19 and politics.

Thanks ladies!! Probably be back soon with more questions lol xx

New here, I joined an OLD site a few weeks ago. Put some nice pics on! Ones that made me look ok but not full body shots cos I'm a bit overweight. Size 16-18. I feel like the pics aren't that misleading, you can tell I'm curvy. How do you deal with this if you are a curvy girl? I feel like the profiles I see a lot want slim, fit, younger women!

Anyway, got chatting to a guy on the site. He seemed interesting and quite intelligent. Continued chat on WhatsApp. Spoke on the phone. Met up yesterday... Socially distanced in a park. He just seemed really uninterested in me! Could barely bring himself to ask questions. He was really hung up on his divorce and what his ex would say about him. I got triggers from my abusive ex. He wanted to sit in the sun even though I'd say I burn easily. Thank God I had suncream on. It was not successful! Afterwards he rang saying thanks but he didn't know about romantic interest and we could get together as friends if I wanted... Err, no. I was just polite back but will be moving on.

It wasn't a good first dating experience. I wasn't really upset but just a bit knocked in confidence by it. I have other likes etc and guys messaging me. Trying to think to myself that I might be curvy but I'm a nice, good person with a smiley pleasant face!

Honestly don’t worry about being curvy. I am boobs/bum and 14-16 about 5ft 5 and even when I was a on the larger 16 side I didn’t have a lack of interest it is best to just be up front about it (I am) but don’t make an issue of it by pointing it out.

Sorry you had a bad first date - this does happen! I would say it’s a good thing to get these ones crossed off the list sooner rather than later and move on! Before you have wasted any more time on a plank like that

@themuminator the guy clearly had issues with his ex that were nothing to do with you, certainly not with your 'curviness'. You've lost nothing and gained some valuable experience in breaking your dating duck with this one. This is where your thick skin (Rule 2?) comes in, just move on with the rest of your potential irons.

Plenty of men love women in your size range, which is after all the average size in the UK. Good luck.

Thank you @TigerDater and @Menora I'm definitely trying to bear the rules in mind and develop the thick skin!
And you're right, in a way it was at least just a bit awks, could have been so much worse!! I'm reading all the posts to try to open my eyes a bit.
At least I haven't had dick pics so far!
Really helpful to have this thread and I'll be back with more updates.

@themuminator it definitely sounds like he is dating too early or as some kind of revenge, maybe his ex has moved on.

I deleted Mr Politics as he just bores me. I've got a couple more conversations going although they all seem to just dry out/suddenly stop responding 🤷‍♀️

@shitwithsugaron that's lovely to hear, good for you.

I was really bored yesterday and opened up Tinder. Wow. Grim selection indeed. Most had no written profiles at all. I reckon men my age have been dozing while lockdown endures.

Anyway, I've deleted it again now because I'm seeing Mr GN tomorrow for the first time in 2.5 months! Excited but v v nervous. What if the spark has gone? There's a lot riding on this...

Yeay to good dates and dust off and move on after the not so good ones.

Mr scent has gone awol, oh well his loss.

I've been swiping and have a few more potentials. A Dr, A Chef and a Farmer 😂. I'll name them if their chat comes to anything.

Good to hear positive updates.

What are opinions on match / ok cupid etc? I guess it's just pot luck, but I'm having no luck on pof or tinder.

@bangheadhere40

I’ve used them before mainly and didn’t find them too bad? Okcupid is designed to be quite hipster and personality driven. Free so why not just sign up and see what you get?

Match.com you have to pay to actually exchange messages but can have a look and browse profiles for free. Join, have a look around, then don’t pay until you get a half price special offer or free trial e mailed to you.

I guess as it’s needle in a haystack/we all have different tastes in men broadening the sites can’t hurt!!

@bangheadhere40 I met Mr R on Match but think I’m the only one on the thread who ever met anyone on Match. I don’t have experience of any other sites but I liked that I could do searches on really specific criteria. Compared to other people on this thread I never got a huge amount of interest - not sure if that’s my bad photos or just my area. I think I dated an average of one man a month but I was ok with that.

Me and @HairyArsedMan conducted tests together on Match and he is somewhat of an expert on match.

@bangheadhere40 I like the set-up of OKC more than POF but it doesn't seem to be very popular where I live. I had a choice of about 10 men.

I paid for Match a couple of years ago and it was ok. But I only had a couple of dates from it and after about 2mths, I wasn't seeing anyone new appear.
You also don't know who has paid and who hasn't, so you can be messaging someone who can't message you back.

You can set up a lot of criteria on there so you'll get a lot of wishful thinking e.g. " Nigel, aged 54, interested in women aged 30-40, below 5ft5, with athletic body type".

Can I tentatively dip my toe back in? I've been reading these threads for months, and posted a few times. Mostly about disastrous encounters! Well, after a break I signed up to pof last weekend. Connected with a guy and had epic hours long message exchanges. Arranged to meet. Then got ghosted the day before ah well. His loss.

My main issue is I just don't find that many profiles I actually like! I've hidden my profile on pof and only message ones I like the look/sound of, but they are few and far between, and responses are even rarer. I'm fast giving up hope... It doesn't help probably that I'm tall and really couldn't date someone shorter than me. Also, do people tend to prefer your educational backgrounds to vaguely match?

@Misty9
Sounds like he wanted an emotional affair to me. So sorry you had that experience.

I know what you mean about finding profiles you actually like. I was on PoF for about 24 hours and found basically nobody I thought I'd get on with. I'm not exactly as amazing catch, but I just really didn't think that many people matched me educationally... If you know what I mean. Just having a degree would be a good sign.

Mind you, my date was a lecturer and firstly he couldn't pronounce 'hubris', and secondly he was a bit of a dick. I was polite enough not to correct him.

I'm on Elite... It's slow but there are fewer scary people.

I have found that guys are often less fussed about career path/qualifications than women are so sometimes they don’t highlight them on their profiles as much?

Plus even if someone is high achieving career or education wise, they might not want to put that out there on their profile?

It’s like I wouldn’t choose to put a photo of me making a coquettish pose in a fitted red dress with cleavage showing - it would attract the wrong kind of guy and I’d rather save the red dress and the flirtation for the second meet with select guys

I wouldn’t use qualifications as a search criteria.

Just look for someone with a vaguely intelligent vibe about them if that makes sense?

Establish in communication/chat/phone call who they really are.

Met an ex on pof (doctor with masters degree - fucking lunatic but reasonably high achieving) and he’d randomly ticked the “High School” box for qualifications?

Like Hairy I also had my sons age on my profile, because I thought women might assume at the age of 48 that any kids would be grown up, moved out and I could therefore be impulsive and do things at the drop of a hat. I also mentioned that I see him a lot so they knew it wasn't just every other weekend. Impossible to say whether that's put people off or not, but if it has then it did the trick as we wouldn't have been right for each other.

Glad to hear your date went well @Menora, hopefully him now knowing you want to do it again will rid him of the insecurity he was feeling beforehand.

Lovely to hear your news as well @shitwithsugaron