Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I think you’ll be using all those dresses dancer

I’m actually revisiting my views on monogamy a bit for my next session of online dating.

Normally I prefer to focus on one guy ASAP if I like them enough and if we’re having sex, but actually thinking it’s more the norm to just be “seeing what’s out there” and meeting everyone going for a few months? Enjoy the going out and not feel guilty about being spoilt a bit

I guess good communication is the key

Also, I think a lot of invisible misogyny and slut shaming can exists as some guys interpret “not looking for an immediate boyfriend” as “wants to meet at the last minute at 9pm, have sex, then leave at 11pm”

@bunkbedpeople I think that going on different first, second and maybe third dates with multiple people is okay while you figure out if you like them, are compatible etc but once it gets to having sex with them I want it to be monogamous. That of course is just my opinion but I could never see myself sleeping with multiple men at the same time just like I can't have casual sex, hookups or Fwb

It is tough working out what to do -

looking back over my dating history I’m happy with my experiences generally (I mean I’ve had lots of horror stories/freaks/sadness and probably been some dates horror story in my turn !)

but I’ve found three dates and sex isn’t enough to have “foundations” for a sustained relationship in place and they tend to Peter out?

Plus I think guys tend to say yes to monogamy as they have the initial connection and don’t want me to be unhappy but it isn’t enough time for them either? Too much pressure

Then I wonder if I’ve just wasted a couple months

Maybe sex with one and just keep a tinder/okcupid profile up but be honest I’m concentrating on one person there?

Argh, It’s more fun planning my look I think I might get some crest whitening strips soon.

Mr Vegan just sent me a friend request on Facebook. This must mean he's been looking me up, why? 🙈

@cheesecakeAddict -
Didn’t Mr Vegan say he wanted to stay friends? Maybe this is his way of doing that... I don’t think I would accept as it means you will constantly be seeing what he is up to (if he is a regular poster) and that will make it even harder for you....

Morning

I don’t have many details about myself in my profile really. Just a little humorous list

Mr Return is really feeling date pressure. He’s got himself excited and anxious. I haven’t spent too much energy reassuring him (the new me) because he’s fine, he doesn’t want reassurance I think, he’s just nervous. I asked what he was nervous about and it was along the lines of what a lot of people worry about, putting yourself out there, being rejected, getting hurt but also you need to take risks sometimes. I said nothing came with a guarantee in life but you learn so much about yourself on the way that even a ‘failed encounter’ has its own benefits. I don’t think this was the answer he was looking for 😂 I did say I was excited too but I do not want the balance of power to entirely lay in my hands - I have never wanted to be the person who makes or breaks a relationship this should be mutual and equal. So I feel a bit of pressure but the new me is not going to channel this into forcing something that is not there - if we meet and there is no spark then I will have to deal with that. I really hope there is a spark though!

@Savoretti yes he did. Still seems strange, nearly a week on and I haven't been in touch in days. Or maybe I'm reading too into it 🤔.
(I must admit, he's given me the best sex I've ever had, I'm tempted to ask if he wants to me up before he moves and is gone 😳)

OK so I've changed my tinder profile so my hobbies are listed. I seem to be getting a lot of matches but no one is messaging or replying to my messages. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong

@CheesecakeAddict Don't accept his friend request and dont sleep with him again. I assume you've already got plenty of friends and one more won't make any difference and I promise you will have good sex again - with someone else. He's testing the waters to see what he can get away with before he leaves. He wasn't honest with you about relocating, which you know took some planning and he was playing with your feelings by not messaging you. Remember how bad you felt then. He doesn't want to be in or out - he future faked you, made you believe you had long term potential and it got him what he wanted, then he pulled the rug from under your feet. Don't give him the relationship benefits without the relationship responsibilities. Keep swiping and chatting to others, you'll find someone who makes you grateful you never needed up with MrVegan. 🌻

@dancerinthemoonlight how are you keeping up with 24 chats? lol well done!

@cheesecakeaddict my matches in tinder rarely message. I've done theiugh spates of messaging them all and none replied, no I'll message the odd one if I really really like them, they still dont reply lol.

SD walk with my iron yesterday who's chat was really good. it was nice and he seemed pretty open and honest but chat afterwards went down the pan and he started asking for rude pics. I'm not averse to the odd pic but not with someone I've only been speaking to a few days, so that turned in to a huge discussion lol and hes only looking for sex, or sex first 😕. bit gutted as his initial chat was the best in a while, guess thats to draw u in tho.

I've outted two catfishes this week

Honestly it's exhausting

I think it was @ihavenjicelegs asking about blokes views on having family stuff in their profile ? I think many of the sites allow you to tick a box covering basic info like that so it doesn't bear repeating in the text. I see a lot of profiles around my age where the kids have left home and they can now travel the world and have lots of free time. This is useful to know (because I don't). Likewise I do put my son's age on there as an indication that my annual leave is booked out to childcare pretty much until my mid fifties.

Thanks @JeSuisPrest I needed that! I'm feeling less sorry for myself now. I think I just need to get out there again and show myself that he wasn't Mr Perfect, which my brain has made him out to be 🙈

@crazycatlady20 it has calmed down a bit since last night. I'm well and truly playing the numbers game this time. Hopefully ups my chance of finding the unicorn/needle in a haystack of a decent man

HairyArsedMan Do you find it puts women off that you still have childcare responsibilities?
I'm finding that men don't want to know once they find out I still have a teenager at home most of the time. Because I'm not free to just drop everything and go away for the weekend or stay over at their place mid week.
I've still got another 3 or 4 years before she leaves home. By which time I'll be approaching 60

Yes it was me @HairyArsedMan

I mention it when we start messaging, and on bumble I’ve ticked the “have kids” box but I don’t think there is that option on tinder.

For some reason I don’t feel comfortable putting it in my bio but in the same breath I don’t hide it.

Another blokey question I was wondering is, if you were interested in someone, would you initiate the chat each day? Or do you do the tennis thing?
I find it hard to gauge sometimes 🧐 I find some bombard with messages and others are more “taking turns” I suppose it’s personality too.

For me it is relevant if someone has kids - I’m personally very childfree by choice and wouldn’t be the right match for someone with children so it would be better to be something I found out immediately.

I’m still wondering about first contact etc.

Someone I know said that her husband when dating was great at contact, getting in touch, doing all the right things, “arranging impressive formal dates he paid for”. Especially compared to other men.

BUT it actually wasn’t an indication of how he felt about her or much he’d actually go out of his way for her. Or how much he’d act in her best interests.

They eventually had a very unequal relationship with her doing much of the Wifework, working in a low status job she didn’t like to support his, ended up feeling a bit hard done by. So you never can tell.

So although I used to be of the “men chase and if he’s interested he’ll let you know” school, I’m trying not to judge too much on someone’s initial communication styles.

I do think a lot of fairly eligible men actually are up for making a woman happy, have a lot to offer, but don’t want the hassle of pursuing and organising The Date.

I like sitting on tripadvisor finding new stuff to do and new restaurants but not everyone does.

So if I said I wanted to do X, they’d agree but they wouldn’t think to organise it or “chase me” for the date.

Interesting to know about profiles. I had a lot on my tinder profile before but felt a bit exposed. However, when I did cut it down and not mention kids I noticed some dickheads men would unmatch me when I mentioned it! I get the free time thing but have a lot of time when DC are with their dad too, especially in the hols. But I think I will keep it short and sweet this time, when I eventually get round to rejoining that is

NC since I don't want ex SIL who is on here to recognise me (she knows my normal username)

The pressed post without the details!

I haven't dated for over 30 years and separated from husband over a year ago. Found OLD a really strange task.

Met a nice guy and started dating pre covid but currently just messaging since he lives over an hour away.

Loved meeting up with him and starting a relationship. Encountered problems with my expectations - am I odd or is this usual?

How often due do you message - don't want to look like a stalker but not disinterested - help I have no idea!
Not seen him for 3 months due to lock-down and feel that absence has not made things stronger but me a bit oh well who cares...but then again it is new - is butterflies an unrealistic expectation?

I tried sexting/chatting moving into fun territory and he backs off. Actual sex with him was good and he can manage several times over the night but as to anything a bit more spicy/fun to keep things interesting..... help? I find talking about sex/what I'd like to do a massive turn up - guess he doesn't. I find talking about the weather/work etc dull

Who would have thought it would be so difficult - help tips? Is this one doomed?

Tried Tinder before meeting him and really not my thing. I need to have more than just a picture to take an interest

Suggestions please

@2ndtimearound

I think with the sexting thing if it does nothing for him I don’t think you should hold that against him or pressurise him.

It seems to me like maybe you’re after a bit more of a flirtatious vibe, in which case you might want to go onto internet dating again?

A year of being single isn’t that long and it could be you’re genuinely after exploring different options a bit more.

I don’t think that necessarily means you need to discard the current one - is he quite keen on monogamy or have you left things quite loose between you?

Just be honest and give him space to move on and find a 1-1 relationship IF that’s what he wants (don’t make assumptions - he may also want to be dating others?) .

I’d probably drop him a long message or an email and ask him to call when he’s had a think, rather than meet face to face - you’re not in a serious relationship, don’t overthink this.

I think as women there’s a lot of societal pressure to “drive to the 1-1 relationship”. But if you don’t want kids/more kids it might suit you better to just meet more dates and see what’s out there.

I think its interesting the different amounts we all put in our profiles. I put the most effort into my pof profile and the least into bumble/tinder but I'm finding I have more interest/matches on tinder/bumble than on pof.
I do wonder how many people read your profile rather than just looking at the pictures and saying yes or no based on what you look like.

Part of me thinks the days of elaborately crafted first messages/dates/profiles are over!

Tbh when I read dating “advice” like “write a first message indicating you’ve read their profile”/“impress them with this complicated activity” it just seems quite dated?

Mutual attraction based on pics, move to chat, phone call, no red flags, go for a quick coffee/drink.

I’d rather someone was good with communication/turned up on time/picked somewhere close to me than arrange an elaborate meal or day out.

I had quite a long profile up on pof and got love bombed by a weirdo who basically made sure he picked activities that really suited me for the first couple of meets (so even though there wasn’t a massive initial attraction I went along with it as I didn’t have time to have much of a social life so thought “why not?”)

Then he got furious because actually he wanted someone to do exactly what HE wanted and once he’d “drawn me into his social life” that was his goal.

@EchoElephant I’ve not been declined for those reasons as far as I can tell. I’ve only dated women that have more than 50% of the burden alongside a full time job and tried to work my non childcare life around their free time.

@ihavenicelegs I think early on it may be a bit ping pong but once you’ve met and like each other and found you’re on the same wavelength (hopefully) the messaging conversation should take on a natural feel. I’m always happy to pick up things if I haven’t heard anything in that kind of situation. Also I try to have a conversation about how much messaging you/they can deal with, best times to chat and so on. It’s not always helpful .. someone once said not too much and not too little

@bunkbedpeople I'm actually surprised if I get any messages that are about my profile. I usually get asked what I like to do and end up copying and pasting my profile into the chat because I have said it in there (at least on pof)
The dating advice does seem rather dated. I have also found by one man similar to you that they picked out certain things from my profile and pretended to be them. Then when it got a few dates in the act drops and it turns out they don't like any of it.