Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

What do people say to the question of why/how are you single? I feel like saying I wish I knew and that I just seem to have rubbish luck but that's not really an appropriate response

Hate the single question. Why is it a question!

I think it’s kind of meant to be a compliment or something... there is no answer to this. If you say ‘I don’t know why’ then it suggests you are maybe crazy but in denial, if you give them your life story and dating history it is inappropriate. If you say you haven’t met the right one yet that also doesn’t seem right.

The best responses are

• Why are YOU single
• I’ve been really busy with my career

Or something sarcastic/humorous that is a non answer

Like I would answer that to say ‘well I only date men who have a different hat for every day of the week and so far, haven’t met him yet’

I'd go for humour every time - anything else and you end up oversharing too early and come across as a man hater or being too fussy aka "having standards".

I have only been asked it once so far and I thought I really don't know why I am.
I have already had to block a few men. One asked me if size mattered because it had in the past. Then pushed to go to Kik or WhatsApp when I didn't answer. One wanted to buy me stockings for our first date and the other wanted to buy me a bikini and have a hot tub first date.
Fine they have come up with ideas and not expecting me to but seriously I don't know anyone that would say yes to them

You have to laugh at these, I know they are depressing but who let all these crazy men out into the world 😂 why are they so pervy?!

I think lockdown might be bringing out their pervy/crazy side 😂

@Dancerinthemoonlight that is insane 😂😂. Also what is this tinder trick?

I've reached the anger stage. He must have known about 3 weeks ago he was moving when he radio silenced me. So he lied to me. We met up for several SD dates and he never let on, in fact kept making more plans with me so I kept thinking all was OK. Meanwhile, he was finding accommodation nearly 300 miles away. What that actual fuck!

I'd just ignore the 'why are you single' question, you don't have to answer such a personal and complex question from a complete stranger. If he had any sense he wouldn't ask. And if he meant it as a compliment, it's a lame one.

@Dancerinthemoonlight to that question I normally say, "realtionships sometimes end." and kind of make a joke of it. It's a silly question.

I say I've ever met the right man and I'm not settling for less.

@CheesecakeAddict the tinder trick is setting the distance to 1km/mile away. All the ones that show up are the ones that have swiped right on you.

“Why are you single?”

I assume this is shorthand for just getting a couple of honest life/relationship history details? And seeing if there’s any potential drama/if you’re still hung up on your ex?

So me:

“I broke up with my ex in Y last year and I’ve been pretty busy studying since then - I’m trying to go in Z career direction. It’s a bit hard making the time to date when you’re always worried about doing ok on the next assignment. ”

But if I had children/was caring for an elderly parent I’d probably mention this casually now.

Dancer you can just say you were dating someone long distance until....whenever it was you were last physically seeing MrArmy ? 9 weeks ago so that’s february?

and it wasn’t working out so you’re now looking forward to expanding your social life a bit post lockdown.

You don’t need to tell them who your ex is or details of why it wasn’t working out.

I don’t like being bombarded by intrusive questions - it’s when you’re trying to sign off WhatsApp and they’re trying to send extra questions? And often it’s like “would you say that kind of thing over the phone or to a woman’s face?”

WhatsApp seems to turn perfectly normal polite middle class men into amateur porn star schoolboy comedians (and not very good ones either)

(I’m a complete old woman technophobe and only got WhatsApp last couple years so maybe I’m not getting it but it annoys me )

Well no-one ever asked me why I'm single - must be obvious

Tinder trick never worked for me. Or maybe there were no right swipers. I prefer the first statement

There was a thread a while ago with possible responses to "why/how are you still single?" I think my fav response was
"just lucky I guess" ha!

Women don’t ask
Because they don’t like the question. It’s really intrusive

Usually a guy will say ‘because you are so attractive I can’t understand why you are still single’ as it seems to be an in for them telling you that they are great guy

3 phone calls in one evening.
1 definite no started calling me his princess so I cut the call short.
1 meh the call lasted over an hour but it was very sex based and he expects me to travel to meet him and not the other way around, I get that people are horny but for 3/4 of the conversation to be about sex especially when it's the first conversation I think is just leery and says really that's what he is focused on.
Lastly 1 potential iron, he seems sweet but a little baby faced. I wont name him yet as it was a short call so will see what other conversations are like with him.

@Dancerinthemoonlight why did you cut the princess call short but not the pervy entitled one?

@TigerDater I really don't know why I didn't cut that one short aswell. In hindsight I should have. Sent him a text this morning of I think we are looking for different things, blocked and deleted.

I don't know if some of the men install to think they are god's gift to women because they don't want to travel to meet. I'm for joint effort and it not being the same person travelling all the time especially if there is a bit of a distance

I know I'm in a much older age bracket than you @Dancerinthemoonlight but if you haven't yet met I can't see why the 'who travels to who' discussion even starts. Surely the first date is at an equidistant neutral place, then if there are subsequent dates each party does a fair share of travelling? I totally agree that for them to even suggest they can't be bothered to get off their arses to meet you is a big red flag.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Mr Army, his behaviour was shit, I suppose if he has only had casual relationships he doesn’t have the skills to have adult conversations that you need in a relationship so it’s better now than further down the line (although obviously I know it hurts).

I have had a horny man in touch desperate for some adult fun. He’s a guy I had two dates with last year and he ended it because there was no chemistry. He was a nice, slightly dull, early 50s father of daughters. Does any woman ever receive such a message and think ‘ooh I have the fanny flutters, must go to him!’ Surely a guy in his 50s would know that approach is never going to work. Especially in lockdown. I haven’t replied to him yet because I have been enjoying sending the messages to @HairyArsedMan as they’re so funny.

@TigerDater last night it was very much a you will come and see me. Not really a discussion but more of a demand. If that's what you are going to come out with first then I can't be bothered.

@stealthninjamum I was annoyed but it doesn't hurt. I'm worth more than what he was giving me.

That's what I love about this thread. The wealth of advice from different age groups and perspectives that make you stop and think you are right, why did I let that happen. I'm learning to stand my ground and stand up for myself because of all of it. Trying be less of a people pleaser and let men walk over me.

Is there still a smitten bench on the go??

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Well done on getting straight out there and ticking off the numbers , sounds like a usual OD “selection” of possibles! Working through the bad ones can become strenuous but when you get the good date it’s worth it

@dancemom
Yay for smitten!

@bunkbedpeople thank you. I'm definitely playing the numbers game. On 3 different apps talking to multiple men/potential irons.
I told one of my friends that I had been ghosted so she asked me if I was ready to give up looking. Definitely not, I'm 27 not 107 and even if I was 107 if I wanted to date then I would. Although she has a different perspective because she is happily married although she did online dating to find him but doesn't seem to understand that it's a numbers game

Hearing about the sleaze makes me relieved I am in the Closed Fanny Club right now 😂 because a lot of that would close it up anyway! 😂

Sex drive has taken a huge backseat for now - I always do this when I am single I almost completely block it from my mind so I don’t have to think about it. Then suddenly the beast comes out 😂 maybe I do know how these men feel ....