Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Why are you staying friends? The relationship has no future so what's the point? NC is much better IME.

I just can't say goodbye for good just yet. Part of me is still holding on hope that he will change his mind 😔

Please don't text him @CheesecakeAddict

Maybe you can be friends in the future but right now he's not your friend he's an ex and you need time, distance and no contact to enable you to begin to get over him.

Stay strong, post here but don't contact him.

CheesecakeAddict I get what you're thinking and hoping. Mr Vegan sounded so lovely at the start.
But he has changed and he has hurt you.
Maybe he will change his mind but you need to let him work that out for himself. And you need time to distance yourself from the relationship.

Don't text him. What happens if he doesn't reply? How is that going to make you feel?
It's hard, I know but no contact is best here, I think

Thanks all. I'm not going to text him. You're absolutely right @echoelephant if he doesn't reply I'd be gutted. I am going to concentrate on being kind to myself for a while.

So sorry cheesecake but stay strong and don't text, he's made his bed, let him lie in it and regret it.

Well done on the weight loss Dancer

Cheese, not texting is to protect you. You have already given enough to him. This is on him from now on

Emotions diary is really helpful
But on one page if you are writing negative emotions, you need to offset it with good and positive affirmations about yourself too.
So that you are a good person, fun etc

No more insecure chat with Mr Return today both been really busy. Slightly flirty morning message with each other (really not big on the flirting so far it’s now and then 😂)

I recall thinking back that I think the times he has said this type of stuff, it’s usually when we have had a few drinks on a weekend video chat (we have a couple glasses of wine together on weekends and do a quiz). Last night we were on from 9pm to 2am! So need to see if this is slightly merry late night blurting as well. We have had a few phone calls and he’s never brought it up then. I’m trying not to make excuses for anything though. I don’t feel it’s bad enough right now to stop talking to him, but I am def not rushing into anything

Can I join?

35, divorced no children and looking to get back into meeting people in three weeks.

Been busy with getting qualifications but looking to get on tinder in June.

Not very experienced with Tinder - Ive used match and pof mainly before. But I found there was definitely MORE men on there when I used it last year than other sites.

I have one iron around (or is he? ) as in I met a guy who works in the military late last year on tinder.

Then I got ill, and tbh I thought he was a bit too casual/sex focussed about contact. But we’ve rekindled being in touch so let’s see. Great chemistry.

It’s really hard to keep up with technology/WhatsApp as I’d rather use a phone call to just clear stuff up and I’m a bit about messages really meaning anything.

He’s off for work in July and has suggested he’s coming down to my city to visit family before he goes but we shall see - I’m not banking on this one happening plus I don’t want to be getting into A Serious Relationship with someone going away for six months.

I want to get out and meet people!

Not sure what my relationship goals are really as I’d rather focus on personal/career development/improving my finances/spirituality (woo). Plus don’t want children.

It’s sort of finding that sweet spot in between “serious relationship” and “emotionless sex only thing”.

I deleted him off tinder. I am not even using tinder but I don't want to obsess wondering if he is moving on and changed his profile.

@CheesecakeAddict

That seems a sensible thing to do. I agree NC for a while (at least not till you’ve had some time, lockdown eased a bit, been out dating others, etc).

Be aware of your feelings whilst also knowing they will pass in time.

@bunkbedpeople welcome

Thanks dancer . Going to try to tone up/glam up a bit as I’m finishing final exams so I’m ready to pounce in a few weeks

I have tentatively gone back on the apps and sites. So far I'm on bumble which I have used before, POF which I have used before, tinder which is my first time using it and Badoo which is my first time using it.

@bunkbedpeople I'm trying to get back to where I was this time last year and then maybe a bit thinner and more toned than that. I have 31 dresses/skirts I bought last summer to fit back into so I'm making sure it happens

dancer I have 5-6 very hot dresses which need wearing.

I was wondering if me and the bloke I’m vaguely in contact with were going to be out lots this summer but 🤷‍♀️ on that score (I’m
Not having high hopes - his schedule seems chaotic and if we do meet I’m not sure there’ll be time and energy for any formal nights out)

So I’m going to be overdressing for lots of coffee dates 😆

@bunkbedpeople I think I will be over dressing for coffee dates when I can fit back into them.
I know from having dated men in the army that some of their schedules are all over the place and some are more balanced. I think it depends on rank, base and which corps they are in

Hi @Bunkbedpeople lots of us are looking for that sweet spot.

I've taken control of my eating ... I was creeping back up. I lost 25lbs in first half of 2019 (during marriage counselling 🤣) I've managed to keep it off, but lockdown saw a creep up. So I'm trying for 10 more off (Still overweight) and then 10 more after that. I have loads of dresses a few that fit now. Loads that should fit perfectly with another 10 off and some that I would need to drop more to get in to

Sorry to hear your news @Dancerinthemoonlight and @CheesecakeAddict. I think these times are difficult for relationships full stop, let alone new ones. I guess the saving grace is that you haven't spent any time together in recent weeks so your relationships haven't progressed too much further for it to be even more painful.

I think lockdown will change many relationships new and old ones. Some it will strengthen others it will show weaknesses. I was listening to Matthew Hussey recently and he made a good point although it might hurt now if a relationship breaks up in the long run this relationship would probably have ended eventually so it's saving you heartache in the long run.

I have tried to see it that way too, it’s almost like you can feel something is dying a slow death but you naturally Cling onto it. I think we are taught that relationships suffer ups and downs so we stick at things for longer than we should in the hope it’s a down. I want to say that in future I will not hang around waiting for the slow death, but you can’t help it when you have feelings for someone

Mr Return has asked me for a SD walk on Saturday. Childcare situation permitting (likely seeing their mum)

@Chocolate123 I do think it's right. I knew ultimately Mr Vegan wanted to move back down south, and I would love to move back to London (still further North than Mr Vegan) but I have quite a niche job and they opportunities don't come up that often. I also have a toddler. In another life I would have followed him because I'm young enough to, but things are what they are and it wouldn't have worked out longer term anyway.
I feel a bit clearer today. I'm still sad for what could have been, but I'll get over it. I think part of if is because he was the first guy to actually treat me well (at the start) and I'm so scared I'll never find that again. I've gone back on tinder today. I'm not ready for a relationship to get hurt all over again, but I thought some chatting and reminding myself that there is more than 1 good guy out there might help me move on

I'm also very sorry to hear the way things have gone for you @Dancerinthemoonlight and @CheesecakeAddict and hope you both recover well.

Glad to hear Mr return has asked about the walk Menora I hope it goes well! Welcome bunkbed I too would like that sweet spot in between but feelings develop sometimes and it makes it more difficult! I've got a good one at the moment in MrC (chat went well for those that remember my quandary, especially jesuis and we seem to be on the same page) but taking things as they come.

Thank you all. I'm genuinely not as sad as I thought I would be. I shed a few tears over the weekend but stopped when I realised that I was crying over a man who didn't even have the decency to tell me that it wasn't working.
I hadn't seen him in 9 weeks and barley spoken to him in that time either. I think that's the good thing in the situation. O don't miss the worry over if he would text me back or when he would text me back, trying to decipher his confusing messages or what the emojis meant.

I'm already back on the apps but feeling a little overwhelmed so I'm taking it one step a time. I'm not there to entertain a bored man who wants to message every 5 seconds. I'm using the tinder tip to see who matched with me. I'm not expecting any conversations to last but some of them are a nice distraction.

So glad you feel that way @Dancerinthemoonlight I have been there before where the relief of losing the anxiety is greater than losing the person.