Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Has anyone started "dating" during lockdown?

Part of me is thinking about dipping my toe in again, but surely the chatting tapers off after a while when it transpires there's nothing new or exciting happening in your life to talk about? I mean, we're all just surviving at the moment, aren't we, rather than living our best lives?

I'm trying to get my head around talking to someone when for now, you're basically just limited to being penpals indefinitely. Also, the one thing I miss most about dating is first kisses - those are definitely off the cards.

I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm ready to give it a go again, other times I think, 'what's the point?'

@CheesecakeAddict and @Dancerinthemoonlight
I’m sorry this is shit for you

Cheese I agree with Notcoolmom that it could be a huge re-evaluation what is shit that he could have let you in on this some weeks ago when he was clearly struggling so it would not be a big bombshell, done and dusted. Is he saying he still wants it to work? Could it work?

Dancer - I’m glad you are taking control of it. He is a coward and you deserve better

@returnofthecat
I am not dating but I have made a pen pal friendship possible romance from OLD and it’s actually not at all boring. We play quizzes and games and get to know each other without massive pressure of commitment or all those pesky sex hormones 😂
I think we will meet once lockdown is better, he’s more reluctant to mix than me as I think he is more cautious overall. Also he’s not got the most self confidence sometimes - last night on video call I asked him to go on a socially distant walk sometime, he said he really wanted to go but he would bring a sick bucket for me for when I saw him. I got really annoyed and said FGS I can actually see you I’m not blind 😂 he said he thought he was punching above his weight looks wise, but to me that really isn’t the whole picture is it? Someone who is super good looking could be an absolute dick and it makes them ugly, and being a good person makes you even more attractive!

Oh @Menora that's such a weird thing for him to say. I know you said he was a bit needy and had self esteem issues but the bucket comment would put me right off.

@Menora you had mentioned his self esteem issues previously but the sick bucket comment would be too much for me.

@Menora I'm actually quite proud of the way I'm dealing with it. Deleted his number this morning aswell. Un-followed him on Instagram. He is a coward and I deserve much more.

The sick bucket comment is quite odd especially when you are video calling. You can literally see him live so you know what he looks like. I'm on the same wavelength as you when it comes to looks and personality. Someone could be a 10 looks wise but a 1 personality so you aren't attracted to them or on the flip side be a 6 looks wise but a 10 personality's so you are attracted to them

I suppose it depends on how he said it, but sick bucket does sound like he's taken self-deprecation to a whole other level.

When you've spoken on video chat @Menora, have you seen his entire body or just his face? He sounds so insecure I wonder if he's also fighting with a weight and/or height insecurity.

Making you out to be the better catch is flattering in small doses, but it can be taken too far to the point where it's a complete turn off...

It’s his weight. I’m in the same boat! It’s really hard to see for sure I suppose that’s his thinking. He’s 6ft 4 (I am 5ft6) and from what I see and he tells me, he’s got middle area weight (also his mixed heritage genes type thing makes him more susceptible I think) and is annoyed with himself he’s put on weight in lockdown. But this doesn’t really bother me? I think his weight is bothering him. He’s a big lad and loves food. As do I 😂

I am boobs and bum but not toned at all and also have a wobbly baby belly
I actually like a chunky bloke to be honest, not muscles, I really do 😂

The way it was said was in a very silly way (but I think he means it) we were giggling and being knobs and then he made the sick bucket comment I was like ok make sure it’s a large bucket so then he went and got one 😂 to show me. So I laughed it off but then I did send him a text later to say I do think you are attractive and he said he had put on weight and was annoyed with himself about it that was what it was.

I think this pen pal thing is really hard, he’s clearly worrying that the longer this goes on, the higher the chance I will get bored of it all anyway especially as he thinks I am more attractive than him and have more ‘options’ but I like this option. As we are not in a RS I suppose this is making him feel insecure as he isn’t sure what I think or feel about him, at some point we will need to talk about that - but it can’t happen until we have met. I made it clear I think we should meet soon for a walk, so let’s see if he does anything about it...

He is not needy in any other way. He doesn’t constantly ask me either he just makes the odd comment about his weight etc but this is the first time he’s told me he thinks I am out of his league

Well done dancer you are being a star.

Obvs you know best @menora and you know how much was joking and how much was serious. One thing I have noticed with you is that you give a lot of benefit of the doubt and excuse some of your irons behaviour as being silly/jokey. So I suppose it's just watching the old adage of the things you ignore being the things that will break you up in the end. A bit of insecurity and some worry about the first meet is totally fine and normal. But constantly seeking reassurance isn't. Hopefully he will be better once you have met in person. Let's hope you can have a SD walk soon.

@menora.

Oh Menora he sounds VERY needy and I'm gleaning that from just your last few posts. As @Notcoolmum said, I've noticed you make a lot of excuses then a few weeks later you suddenly seem to recognize all that was wrong.
A grown man shouldn't need that amount of reassurance, It would absolutely do my head in. I cant take on any men 'projects' they suck the life and fun out of it all and it always ends in tears

Dancerinthemoonlight and CheesecakeAddict so sorry to read that you have been treated so badly.

returnofthecat I've had a couple of dates in the last week (2 different men). I found it a little awkward to try and talk at a distance. The second one was better because we found a bench to sit on.
I've arranged to meet him again later this week. But it is frustrating that we have to keep our distance

Menora only you know how the conversation was going, but I don't like the sick bucket comment.
If it was a one off joke then fair enough, but he's made a few comments like that, I think. Just be careful that you're not being made to feel like you have to keep giving him reassurance.

My mum constantly makes self deprecating comments about herself. I spent my childhood telling her she was wrong about herself. Now I try and ignore it which often makes it worse. But I don't think she realises she does it sometimes. It's a habit for her.

If it was very frequently it would piss me off more. So far it’s the odd comment then he seems ok but brings it up again at a later date. I’m absolutely not going to spend time stroking someone’s ego. I don’t believe in leagues or such like but then it’s easy for me to say when I am not feeling insecure about anything. He has not had the same life experiences as me - self confirmed geek, not done much dating at ALL

He’s got a good job, nice house, seems sensible bloke so the element of project would be self esteem. Agree I can’t spend my time constantly building someone up. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt that this is due to lockdown and the friend zone

What more can I realistically do or say - nothing. These are his demons not mine!

@Menora I can kind of see where hes coming from. I think the pics of my face dont actually look like me and dont show how overweight I am (which is very). I do put full body pics up but sometimes people dont look at them and I wouldnt feel comfortable doing full body on vid call. I always mention that I'm overweight etc when I start talking or check they've seen my pics. I know i cant be everyones cup of tea but it's so disheartening talking and getting on with someone then they look at your profile and it just stops.

It's a shame you cant meet with him and then it would probably calm him. I know it would me if I was in the situation.

@Menora I have met guys like this before. It actually makes me squirm a bit now (and not in a good way) when they come out with the ‘out of my league’ stuff. Generally, in my experience, they’ve ended up having a lot of self esteem issues or buried aggression that has come out unexpectedly. You can’t love these people into a place of good self worth. I always thought that if I treat people with kindness, consistency and respect that it would show them that there was no need for them to feel that way, beauty in the eye of the beholder etc. I have a similar taste to you - I prefer ‘chunky’ over very slim generally.
I have been chatting to someone very similar recently. Sounds very similar, actually! We had previously matched before but stopped chatting as we had a mutual acquaintance. He contacted me at the start of lockdown and we’ve had 1-2 phone chats per week with the odd ‘morning’ type of text. Very charming initially but I have noticed some little traits that have put me on medium alert at the minute. I think that he is struggling with lockdown but I have noticed that he is quite bulldozer-ish with his opinions. I was with someone for 7 months last year that was super charming initially but I didn’t withdraw quickly enough or listen to my gut. It’s very hard when you are in the middle of it!
My apologies for popping up, I am a long term lurker and occasional poster.
I’m a single parent with a 4 year old and 7 year old, separated from my ex husband 3 years ago. I’ve had two relationships since then - the one last year and an 8 month one in the first year of separation. I’ve dated fairly extensively and my boundaries are fairly solid now. I’m a community nurse and during lockdown I have been balancing full time hours (some WFH) with very little help from my ex husband and none from my parents as my mum has cancer. I’ve had lots of time in the evenings to think about things, and I’ve realised how much extra headspace this enforced dating break has given me. I would still like to meet someone kind and considerate, but I am enjoying the time to take a break from the whole thing too. I’m not particularly upset by the new guy going a bit off kilter - it’s a shame, but I’m not going to be anyone’s whipping post again.

Hey, I'm really enjoying reading this thread. So much insight I don't feel quite so alone.
I saw on another thread an idea to make a chart and cross off each day you manage no contact and give yourself 90 days with rewards at each 30.
So I've started that.

Like you @Dancerinthemoonlight I've blocked/deleted on everything and I keep saying out loud to myself the poor behaviour whenever my mind drifts to missing him/ hurting. Challenging all the weak thoughts really.

I made a new account yesterday and matched with someone quite nice but after some lovely chat, he told me he had "a lot of stamina" and that ideally I would have the same???? Have I got a dirty mind or is he meaning sex?

@roubaix I would interpret that to mean the same.
I can't wait for my counselling session whenever it may be. I just feel so sad and I'm not sure why as I didn't think I felt so strongly about him. Apparently I did. And I keep thinking, I can't wait till 7pm to curl with with a cuppa and talk to Mr Vegan about my shitty day... And then I remember. How long does it take to not feel like this?

@cheesecakeaddict Thanks.

I felt similar to you this morning. Those first moments of normality then i remembered everything.

I think when you let your guard down and let someone in, and then for things to go wrong, there's a sense of loss for what you were making room for if that makes sense?

I think lockdown is getting to me. I have started arguing with guys online 🙄.

I dont generally block just say sorry not for me etc and they go away but guy last night was insistent I could be convinced to have sex chat and why was I using apps cos that's all they are for (ie sex chat).

today after 1 or 2 messages been asked if I like anal. politely said, sorry dont think this chat is for me and this is the reply i get " Na me either I just scanned ya pics. Prob won't get someone. I gave u a chance. Wouldn't be anything more than that and what would be me doing u a favour" . says he likes to say it as it is apparently. conveniently after I've said I dont wanna chat.

That's not arguing @crazycatlady20 that's stating your boundaries clearly and moving on. Giving you a chance indeed! Apps seem to give men an even stronger sense of bloody entitlement than they've ever had (sorry thread men, obviously not ALL men).

I don't actually miss Mr Army like I thought I would. I don't miss the feeling of wondering if he is going to text or when he is going to text. I don't miss the emojis instead of actual words. He didn't take up much of my time anyway because it had got to the same hope you have had a good day messages. Think I was probably being slowly faded out before he ghosted me.

It's his loss and definitely not mine. I'm worth far more than the scraps of attention he was giving me. I am worth far more than him. I realised yesterday the amount of things I have achieved on my own and finally realised my worth and it most definitely does not depend on some man. Being me is more than good enough.

Over the last 3 weeks I have lost 3kgs which puts me 5.8kg away from my goal weight and 10.8kg away from my ideal weight. Can't wait to wear all the dresses I have stashed away. I'm confident that I can achieve my ideal weight and then learn to maintain it.

@Tigerdater well I couldnt resist replying so that might be classes as arguing lol. he apparently had lots of young hot women after him so it was really kind that he was going to squeeze me in for a chance 😂

@dancerinthemoonlight I agree with everything u say. you are deffo worth much more.

well done on your weight loss. you will feel fab in your new clothes.

@crazycatlady20 oh how delightful that he could squeeze you in like that 🙄

@crazycatlady20 oh he sounds delightful.

Mr Scent and I seemed to miss the mark on messaging, last night, and I tempted not to reply but I said your messages seem abrupt, and he did say sorry I realise I'm being a little dry today. I'm still chatting though, I wouldn't bother if I didn't like you. We chatted a bit more but he obviously went to sleep. Not heard from him today. Meh

No word from Mr Swan, I miss our chats so much. Friendship obviously means different things to us.

Trying to find joy in other things

So if Mr Vegan and I are remaining friends, how long would you leave it before I can text him?

I think I'm going to keep a diary to keep control of my emotions. If nothing else, it'll one day for the basis of an Oscar winning screenplay.