Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Myfabby I don't think he would agree to it and that's what I wanted to see. I very much doubt he will be in contact, it was only after I asked if he had any intention of seeing me again that I got radio silence. That is very telling. I honestly expected more from him but he obviously wasn't the right man for me.
I just need to be patient and know that the right man will come along eventually and there won't be any guessing or silly games etc when it happens

Hi, Do you mind if I join you? Not sure if im ready to start dating (if that's even a thing in lockdown) but will be thinking about it soon.
My story: Essentially ghosted by a guy I've been seeing for nearly a year, (though not since lockdown) and wondering about the radio silence, something made me reactivate my tinder last night and he's got a shiny new bloody profile on there.
Blocked him on everything. Didn't see the point in even starting a conversation about it. Really hurt to read his bio about the kind of girl he's looking for.
Do ghosters think it's less painful for us to do this than to be dumped (sorry can't think of a better word)? Or maybe he was keeping me warm just in case.

Welcome @roubaixtuesday.

So sorry to hear about the ghosting - almost a year in ! My goodness.

Good on you for blocking

@Dancerinthemoonlight, sorry this is happening to you. You're dealing with it really well. If he's capable of just disapppearing then he's definitely not worthy of your time and attention.

@roubaixtuesday, welcome. Sounds like you already have great self worth to block the guy who has ghosted you and not waste any further time on him. I hate ghosting. It's a really self centred thing to do. I am not sure I would have been as strong as you if I had been seeing someone for a year and he just disappeared. I'm sure when you are ready to start again you will go into it with a great attitude.

@Onesmallstep67 and @Myfabby his texts kind of petered out and in the past few days I got a few likes on my social media but no actual contact.

From daily calls and messages to that was just
I knew right away something was off. When you know, you know. Not worth fighting for.

@roubaixtuesday it's hard being ghosted. I'd sooner be told that this isn't working out or I just don't feel the same way you do etc. It's the not knowing why that's the hard bit.
When you know that something is off then you know and you are usually the one fighting for it and if they can do that to you then they aren't worth your time or effort.

Telling myself this aswell so I can remember that I'm worth more than some man ghosting me

I have had the slow fade and the ghosting and honestly the best way to deal with it is to take full control. It makes you feel so much better knowing you have been the one to make the decision that a coward could not. I would either send a ‘see ya around, this isn’t for me thanks’ text or just block and delete

You never win with guys like that, because they are not a prize.

You are worth more.

He's either a coward, a cheat, plain rude... (insert any other suitables) for treating people like that. There's just no excuse. I'm feeling really hurt right now too, but I would't want him after that and I'm trying to remind myself that he's no big loss.

Sorry to hear those of you that were recently ghosted. It's such a cowardly act.

The positive is you know exactly where you stand. Close that door, bolt it shut and move on.

I can't stand cowardice and if a man revealed that side of himself to me, I'd be counting my blessings I was out of there.

Ghosting is cowardly in usual circumstances, but when they've got the perfect excuse should they not be decent enough to explain in person, they still can't locate their big boy pants to do it by phone? Describing them as cowardly seems inadequate.

Sorry to both of you as I'm sure you're feeling hurt and let down but at least you've now seen their true colours and know you can do and deserve a hell of a lot better!

I agree with you all re ghosting, it's bloody awful.

I'm not actually as upset as I thought I would be today. I just think it's very cowardly and at least expected an explanation.

I have gone back to the drawing board and written down the bare essentials for what I expect from a man I want to go on dates with, how he behaves on dates and from a relationship. Things like showing up on time and not pushing it back unless something happens like a road closer (something unavoidable). Stuff that's deal breakers and things that I'd like but aren't deal breakers

Well it's over between me and Mr Vegan. Whatever it was anyway.
We had a SD meet today where he apologised for not treating me right lately, he's really been struggling and he's decided to move back to his hometown (the exact opposite end of the country). He's got a flat organised already 😭. I'm not sure I can go back to dating for a bit.

@cheesecakeaddict I'm really sorry to hear that.

@cheesecakeaddict sorry to hear that. that's really rubbish 🙁

Also hugs to all those whove been ghosted and having a hard time.

I have no real irons. I know I shouldnt rely on them but really missing chatting to someone properly instead of a hi hows u every few days. 🙁

@CheesecakeAddict I'm sorry things turned out this way for you

Dating is hard

@CheesecakeAddict that's shit, sorry.

The chat with Mr Scent can seem great sometimes and not so great other times. I'm not pushing it.

It's been a week since I heard from Mr Swan, I'm not messaging still. I miss him, it's the loss of friendship that's hurting the most. I told him some of my most painful secrets, we spent so much time together, he wouldn't pursue the chemistry because our friendship was so important, well I guess it wasn't.

Mr Tea sends his usual check ins and I'm not in the least bit insecure with him.

Ms Jam has been very quiet too.

I'm just going to wait and see what any of them bring to the table.

I can't sleep, this is so shit.
I'd been so confident and led to believe we had a future and he loved me. He kept telling me not to worry and he loved me. So I put my gut feeling that something was off aside, and told myself I was being insecure. I have no idea how I am supposed to move on from this, I feel like I've been robbed of a future with him and it doesn't help that he still says he loves me and I can go visit.

Sorry for the brain splatter.

@Dancerinthemoonlight from the outside looking in I wouldn't ask that man for a socially distanced anything. There is no excuse. It takes 20 seconds to say 'I need to think about this' or 'super busy but I'll get back to you' or bloody anything really. An excuse later however good still means - I couldn't give you 20 seconds when you asked me a basic question. What use is that in a partner

@CheesecakeAddict how long had you seen/been seeing mr vegan? I remembered it as not having seen him all that often so declarations of love from him sound a little unhinged. Correct me if I'm wrong!

@Dancerinthemoonlight @CheesecakeAddict ghosting is so shit isn’t it! Honestly the amount it happens it actually makes me anxious now with any new iron that one day I’m just going to get radio silence! Chatting to someone at the moment (who I have met) but I’m worried he’s just going to stop speaking to me

@supercali77 I have decided I'm not going to even if he does pop up. He isn't worth my time and effort. I just need to delete his number now after deleting the message thread. He uploaded a status to WhatsApp last night so it's not as if he hasn't had the time. Ghosting sucks but fuck him. I'm worth more than him.
In a non sleeping moment at about 2am I had the crazy idea to sign up for tinder and woken up to over 99 likes. Is it just for hookups as I have never used it before? If I'm remembering correctly the trick to seeing everyone who has liked you is to set the distance to 1km isn't it?

@supercali77 we'd been speaking since just after Christmas, met a few times before lockdown. Yes, he had dropped the L-bomb very early on.

I just don't know what to feel anymore. He was amazing until about 3 weeks ago when he went radio silence and I knew something was up. He never mentioned love or our future after that and from that moment I knew it was over but didn't want to believe it. At least he told me in person. He says he still cares for me, but I don't know. This could genuinely be that he is struggling with lockdown and has realised his job is not worth the sacrifice of not seeing his friends or family. He told me he's going to keep in touch but I don't know if I believe him.
In my mind he is still this guy that was amazing in bed, a fantastic cook, that pushed me to be the best version of myself (he pushed me into do my MA and secure a job in a line management position), he had flowers and food delivered to my door, played games online, had amazing conversations and the last 3 weeks were a blip. I didn't expect to feel like this when it was all over. But equally, I wonder if he is making all this up just as an excuse to get rid 😔. I want to delete him to move on, but I also want to see if he will hold up his promise of staying in contact.

Aw @CheesecakeAddict I'm so sorry. It's really hard when you have a glimpse of what could have been. To me though it is very odd for someone to say they love you after meeting a handful of times. Do you know his relationship history. Does he have a pattern of short intense relationships?

Tbf to him though I can see how this lockdown can make you evaluate what is important and see where your support structures are in place. It could be his feelings were genuine (if a little rushed and intense) but it doesn't fit in with his life plans following time to reflect. And having had that revelation it would odd to prioritise a relationship with someone you've just met.