Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz

I had tinder gold for a while, still a see if matches with no one talking. People keep matches for an ego boost I think.

@HairyArsedMan

I also seem to form attachments to people easily but then once that has happened, I basically get triggered and all these bad feelings come up. I don’t question Or doubt people I meet, but this means I can’t see what’s wrong with them until I am really unhappy 😂

I think when you don’t have good secure attachments as a child or issues, you can go 2 ways; either get attached very easily (and then find there are problems) or find it very difficult to get attached to anyone at all in the first place

There should be a middle ground

@Menora I think it’s also true to say I don’t enter into things lightly; I feel quite a responsibility not to cause any pain. I have to feel pretty damn sure of myself to get in.

@Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz I think the match but not message thing might be from those that prefer one conversation at a time. As I understand it on Tinder either of the matches can message ? So if you don’t and your match doesn’t it seems to me neither is really that keen.

Wow. Lots of deep emotional sharing being done. Thank you to everyone who has shared deeply about themselves. It seems there's a lot of strong insight into ourselves and our motivations. What frustrates me (in my life) is how easily these can be knocked or shaken in the passion or intensity of a new relationship. I think lots of us have been there.

Fab isn't for me either. My relationship with Mr B started as casual. On my instigation as I was dealing with a break up and wasn't able to get involved. But at times it felt empty and I wondered why I bothered. After a break and coming back together and now COVID our relationship is built on so much more than sex and I realise it's what I need. After an abusive marriage and a string of unhealthy but v sexual relationships I need to feel loved for all of me and not just defined by sex.

I find dating online really wearing and it starts interesting and then...lose interest quickly...

I ask lots of questions/find out similarities and differences and then get bored... on to the next one.

Am I odd or is that usual?

Totally normal IME. Pre-Covid you would meet quickly to see if there was real life spark. Not being able to do that is a game changer.

Has anyone on this thread been breaking lockdown to see their iron?

Nope

Not seen my iron at all during lockdown despite him trying very hard to persuade me. I have a few other irons that I have kept in contact with but haven’t seen.

@cravingthelook I might take you up on that 😂.

I latch on quite quickly and I think a lot of that comes from family. It's something I'm trying to work on but Mr Vegan has said I am hard to read and come off cold. My mum married very young (when she was 16) and anytime one of us enters into a relationship, she labels it and pretty much has us married off. I think in hindsight that's why I married exh, because I was so worried I would let people down. Now dad keeps referring to my evening phone chats with Mr Vegan as "my boyfriend" and it makes my skin crawl and DM keeping banging on about more grandchildren 🤨. I don't think I'm there yet (and I'm too old to use boyfriend even if we were 😂) especially given his recent vanishing act.

I'm stuck expecting the worst, especting something to go wrong and worrying if there is some hidden meaning so not wanting to divulge too much of my life, but also really craving that happy family that everyone else seems to have.

I start therapy next week hopefully, otherwise the week after, but I'm pretty sure no one can fix me.

@dancemom we've met up twice (once with the shoe swap and getting things off my chest) and on Wednesday we met in the park for an hour. On both occasions we remained 2 meters apart as per guidelines.

Yes @dancemom I've been seeing my bf. He's been doing my shopping and then we started doing socially distant walks. Then moved to not being so distant. He doesn't stay over or anything as I have teenagers who live with me and so he's not used the loo or stepped out of the kitchen.

We waited a few weeks after lockdown when we were more sure neither of us had anything to pass on. He lives with an older parent so we are both v careful. As he does my shopping my risk to him is minimal I only really go out to exercise. And he has kept his risk low to protect his parent. And me.

@Whatdoidowithmylifenow
Only just catching up so apologies but your post on 22/5 really resonated with me.
I swear we could be the same people.

Any kind of contact with my ex triggers me completely, sometimes I even have nightmares about him breaking in (he did harass and stalk me earlier this year so justified I guess).
The negativity after seeing him is off the scale, I've always been a really positive person but something about him drags me down.
We had an emotionally abusive marriage of 17 years and have been split 2 years plus divorce all sorted and I know I probably need counselling.

My negativity extends to my new relationship as well, the times I've seen my ex (even if only for less than 1 minute dropping my daughter off) or he has emailed me about something not concerning our DD I suddenly get a dark cloud descend, think I'm just crap all round and then convince myself that my new guy is just using me and will treat me badly and that i am not worthy of a lovely guy so I message him and end things, luckily he knows my ex triggers me and calls me up to ask what has changed in 12hrs and why suddenly dont I want him. It's happened twice and we've agreed that if I get negative again I have to ring him to chat it through rather than just send a huge message about ending things.

Honestly I'm lucky he's stuck around because I'm a bit of a head case.

Sorry this is long...just wanted to cover your last point about confidence and trusting what men say.

I had huge body confidence and self esteem issues thanks to my ex and if anyone paid me compliments I would point out all my flaws instead.
Then I realised men dont like that so I started just saying Thanks if they paid me a compliment, my god it was the hardest thing to do and sometimes I slipped up but after a month it became the norm.

I dont care if men dont mean their compliments, it makes me feel good and I'll take it. It has boosted my body confidence and self esteem hugely.

I was a Fab user (still have an account but not an active user as met my guy on there) and everyone is on there for sex, some just want sex, some want a connection before sex and some actually want relationships. I find the site refreshing, being able to discuss sex openly is great.

I think counselling is the way to help with negative feelings but also a bit of faking it until you make it.

I wish I had a happier update but it seems that I'm being ghosted by Mr Army.

We were texting back and forwards on Thursday evening while I was out on a long walk and I got the feeling something was off so I asked him to please tell me if he doesn't want to see me when lockdown is relaxed more or over. I haven't heard from him since even though he has been on and off line. I'm using bumble for the bff feature at the moment and still had him matched on there so checked his location and he is currently 90 miles away rather than the usual 20. It's supposedly where his brother lives but at this point in time I don't know if I believe that or not.
I just don't understand why he would keep talking to me for the past 9 weeks. I suppose I was only there to keep him occupied.
At the end of the day there really isn't any excuse for not being in contact on over 48 hours when it doesn't take more than a minute to send a quick im busy or something text. I suppose the non answer is my answer to if he wants to see me or not. I honestly expected more from him. I deserve more than this.

I'm having a hard time figuring out why and where I'm going wrong. None of my recent dates or 'relationships' in the last year to year and a half have made it past 3/4 months.

Don't know if there is much point looking on the apps or websites when we could be talking for goodness knows how long and then not get on in person.

I just want someone who will make an effort, who will be excited to talk to me, to make plans to see me and who will make time for me. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

It's not too much to ask @Dancerinthemoonlight it's a reasonable expectation. Sorry that Mr Army has come quiet. I think it's important to remember he was making you feel anxious. Never a good sign. Would you expect him to be at his brothers? And if his location has changed it means he's used the app.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Sorry to hear this, if he is still working is he too busy to contact you like he did before?
Or have things eased up for him?

I know you have different communication styles or do you think this is really the end?

As for your dating/relationships only lasting 3 - 4 months who is doing the ending and for what reasons?

With Mr Army I did wonder how it would pan out as I'm sure you said he only wanted an FWB and you wanted more and he had always been clear he didnt and hadnt in the past wanted more.
As lively as he was maybe this was a flag you shouldn't ignore.
I would say generally the men who are only looking for FWB are really only looking for that so right at the start you had different ideas about the future.

With the other guys was it similar, that they didnt want much in terms of relationship but you still carried on seeing them?

It might not be you at all and you might have just met crap men but ots always worth looking at things objectively although lockdown was never a good time for new relationships.

Sorry should have said what you are asking is not too much at all, just the basics that everyone wants in a relationship.

@notcoolmum I know he visited his brother and nieces a lot before lockdown but it has shows as him being there for about 24 hours now. It means he is using the app and still looking. Who am I to know if he is trying to get a date or something in each place he visits.

@sortingitout weekends he doesn't work so I would have expected to have heard from him by now. Things eased up a bit with communication but I put that down to work being busier but I'm now wondering if that was the case. I said he had only had fwb before but was looking for a relationship because he wanted to grow up and if he just kept doing the fwb thing then he would never get married or have a family which is something he wanted in his future. Or at least that's what he said, maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.
The lcb dumped me apparently because he was going through a lot, just couldn't be a relationship at that time and that I deserved more. It was complete lies though and I was accidentally the other woman. That lasted 4 months.
Mr Caribbean dumped me because he was being posted to Canada for I think 6 months and he didn't want me to waste him time or to waste my time. Turns out he had been in that situation before and it didn't work out. That lasted 3 and a bit months.
I dumped Mr Surgery because he had lied to me and was beginning to manipulate me. That lasted 3 months.

Add to that a slue of bad dates where it's expected that I travel to them, being spoken down to to, them turning up late etc.
I don't know if it's to do with the age group because I'm 27 and I look from 26/27 - 35.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Apologies for getting it wrong about Mr Army, had you always made it clear you wanted a relationship?
I did FB and FWB for 18 months with various people and thought it would continue like that forever and too be honest part of the attraction is the thrill of the chase.
I'd think that it would be hard to go from years of FB to actually settling down, it's a huge transition.

None of the other men sound like you did anything wrong and actually you could look at them all in 2 ways.
The negative would be that you never get past 3 - 4 months or the positive that you only waste 3 - 4 months with them rather than years before their true colours emerged.

Are men in their late twenties looking to settle down or are they still wanting to play the field and that's why you've not had much success.
I also think some men just dont know how to treat women, sometimes it's all about them getting the woman to do the running.

Are you looking for a full relationship that will eventually lead to living together and a family or something less?

@sortingitout that's okay. There are so many people and posts on here that it's easy to get confused.
I made it clear when talking that I was looking to date for it to turn into more. Then on the first date I told him that I don't and won't do casual sex and that it means something to me. I won't and don't do fwb, one night stands or fb.
I suppose at least I only wasted a short amount of time on them. It's not like I could really see anyone else at the moment.

I think it's a mixed bad of men in their late 20s, some want to settle down and some still want to play the field.

In an ideal world I want to fall in love, move in together, get married and have a family. Part of me feels it's not possible now but then the other part of me doesn't want to give up hope for that.

To most people on this thread I'm at a different stage in my life because I have never been married or had children but I do want that.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that doesn't sound like it's anything you are doing and it's on them. You are putting down your boundaries and sticking to them, because you are worth so much more than their shit.

Has he broken the guidelines before to go see relatives? I wonder if something has happened and that's why has has done a vanishing act.

@cheesecakeaddict i don't know if he has. He told me he drove a friend to get a new car last weekend. He has been on and offline without sending me a message. It takes a minute to text that there has been a family emergency and he will text me when he can. Because his location has changed it still means that he has been on bumble.

I have archived the WhatsApp chat as it's been well over 48 hours since I heard from him. I very much doubt that I will. I expect more from him but at least I only wasted 3 months on him and it's not like I would have been able to see anyone else for the past 2 months.
If he does pop up with a decent explanation I'm going to ask for a socially distance date.

Sorry to hear this @Dancerinthemoonlight but you're right, it takes one minute to send a text

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I think you've got great boundaries, never settle for less because you only want the best in a life partner.

You will find what you want but you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm sorry Mr Army has let you down, that's disappointing. I guess though he's helped while away the lockdown hours a bit. And reinforced that you deserve respect and kindness. His ghosting shows he's not capable of those so put him in the bin!

@Dancerinthemoonlight

so sorry to hear this dancer.

I'm not sure if he does pop up hell agree to a social distance date.And to what end really? 48 hour quiet tells you what you need to know.

know the sting well, but best to brush this off methinks. The right one will come...