Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

cravingthelook wow that all sounds exhausting! I also like the idea of polyamory and tried it for a while, but I found it took up too much head/heart space. It’s tiring enough loving one person, caring about three or four in that way did my head in and I found it difficult to concentrate on work. And I wonder, while Mr Tea and Ms Jam may distract you from Mr Swan, are they also maybe distracting you from really processing your feelings about it and truly getting over him?

That does all sound exhausting!

I am feeling a bit down this week
I think the shit message from crazy person didn’t help

Also Mr Return seems to have gone into a slight place of insecurity and I don’t really know how to deal with it. With Mr Muddle he was similar sometimes, asking me if I mind this or mind that or prepared for him having a dad bod etc. Mr Return is over thinking things then worrying and apologising then asking me for some reassurance sometimes. It is mainly that he has the kids (who don’t sleep much), he’s got a dad bod and he’s losing his hair. He will apologise for everything! When there is no need to! And he’s clearly worrying about what he looks like a lot. And if he messages me too much

I am not skinny or particularly beautiful or anything (but think I have more confidence than I realise) but I feel annoyed that it would be presumed I am 1. Blind and can’t see what people look like 2. So Shallow and would dump someone for having a thinning patch. I’m 40, I’m not stupid. Channing Tatum probably has some grey pubes.

He’s not pressuring me to do anything or say anything I don’t want to but he is having wobbles and the more he wobbles then I start to doubt things it’s no good for either of us. I can’t make him more confident - he just isn’t

I agree it does sound like hard work, depends how much u like him and if the relationship is actually doing anything for u or making u happy.

@menora I can be like that but only at the beginning if I think people haven't properly looked at all my photos. I'd hate to waste mine ir anyones time if I wasnt what they thought. but if UV made it clear u dont mind he shouldnt keep going on about it.

I'm still on apps, decent amount of initial messages received but as soon as I stop asking q's it stops so letting those die out. had an offer of a FB from a really hot guy (if his pics were real) but FB not for me 😪😫. messages are drying up now 🙁

That sounds difficult @Menora , whilst you can be reassuring, it's not up to you to build his self confidence and it's good that you've recognised that. Insecurity is a horrible affliction to live with and is often a bedfellow to the "overthinker". Not only is it difficult for the person suffering, but for the people around them - having to give that constant reassurance. It takes a lot of work to overcome it, because it comes from such a deep rooted place within us - sometimes back to childhood, or relationships long dead and buried, and no amount of reassurance from a third party will every persuade us otherwise - even when reassured we still think "they're just saying that to be nice". You can't win.

I don't know what the answers are but I've overcome a lot of my own insecurities in the last 3 years. Confidence - not to be confused with cockiness is probably one of the most attractive qualities someone can have imo.

@cravingthelook I don't have any advice other than you probably are still hung up on Mr Swan and are using distraction (aren't we all?). It may be something that will just fade with time or you'll always feel like he was the one who got away, but he certainly doesn't feel the same way about you and that is what is causing the hurt - he's done this 4 times? Stop giving that man any more head space, you deserve so much better.

I think I have been like that in the past but I no longer am. I don’t say ‘do you know I have stretch marks?’ Or ‘I’m going grey’ I’m like what is the obsession with making sure people know all your flaws 😂

With self confidence is it’s like selling a car. You don’t show the buyer around, point out all the flaws and ask them 200 times if they are still interested. You say this is the car, these are the features - it’s up to you.

I am not giving Mr Return constant reassurance I refuse to - I do laugh it off a bit. When he’s said something self depreciating I have countered it with ‘hahaha me too!’ and have now allowed it to go down the dark path of building up his confidence.

Not allowed it

We all have down moments and need a bit of a pick me up I think @Menora. It's a tough old job parenting and we sacrifice some of our internal life to it. It may well have nothing at all to do with you, but he's just confiding. I think if I had more time I might worry about my hairy bottom, but for now I'll live with it

My down moments were always in dealing with my ex-. It always seemed to leave me with a lot of down regulating of emotions, feeling blank, underpowered and withdrawn.

I think you can be completely over someone in the romantic and relationship sense but not really have got to grips with any traumatic moments they've dealt (or continue to deal) to you.

What do you folks think about one's readiness for a relationship off the back of that ?

He worries about his hairiness too it seems 😂 I said to him ‘would it get into the Guinness world records?’ He said no. I said well then 😂

I can tell he’s got ex problems, but he doesn’t tell me about them - so I am guessing - just I think it’s getting to him her lack of responsibility towards the DC now, he’s clearly had no break for 12 weeks nearly and he’s really tired. So I am giving him leeway!

I kind of do relive way too many things about past relationships sometimes. No contact works from a healing POV, literally no checking SM anything. It gives you time to move forward. Missing someone is normal in a sense. I think readiness only you know. I have some trauma that may never go away, but I can let it fade and no contact doesn’t re open the wounds.
There is nothing wrong with dabbling in dating but if you aren’t feeling it, just back off. I think go at your own pace not someone else’s

@Menora I suppose only you can tell whether he just needs a bit of reassurance and he'll be fine or whether that insecurity is quite deep seated and may be a constant.
I wonder if it's a sign of the times and experience of other seemingly positive chats that have just petered out for no apparent reason (clearly happening a lot reading this thread) and a concern that the same doesn't happen with you that's making him search for reassurance?
Has he done much dating recently? Lots of people tend to be quite nervous and insecure when they first start.
Conversely though I agree with JeSuis confidence (not arrogance) is an attractive trait.

When’s an appropriate time to ask if they want kids? it’s a dealbreaker for me so I’d rather know before I get too invested but equally I don’t want to come across far too strong and put him off!

I try to talk about that at an early stage - I can’t have more so it’s best to get it out there!

Chat with Mr Return has dropped off slightly in frequency but that’s because I am so busy. It’s still good quality and both making the effort. I suppose he might see me as less available and wonder why but this is because I am still working full time and things have got very busy again in the NHS!

@BooFuckingHoo2 we talked about it fairly early on. Mr Vegan wants a big family so I guess that can be a deal breaker early on for either person, so better not to waste each other's time.

@Menora too much insecurity can be such a turn off. I think I'd be tempted to say something kind to him but making it clear you are not a prop for his ego

@BooFuckingHoo2 It needs to be discussed fairly early on if you’re looking for more than casual, no use asking 4-6 months down the line especially if you both give different answers.

@boofuckinghoo2 I'd just ask early on, when asking if they have kids already, just ask if theyd like any or would like more.

Hi everyone 😃
Mind if I join? Been reading along the way and tried hinge for OLD recently as I saw it mentioned here.
Can I ask a question to those who’ve used it?

I liked a pic of someone and then it came up that they invited me to start the conversation. Is that a bit lazy? Or normal? Why not just reply with a as message? 🤔

I’ve had to hide that gushy smug married post this evening. I don’t know why I let them annoy me. It is something about celebrating a man being nice to you, treating you as an equal and being respectful that apparently the rest of us need to learn about?

@Ihavenicelegs I got the same notification so I just didn’t bother cos he couldn’t even say hello!

Ah, that was my first thought too and I unmatched! Then I got someone like me and it came up as an option and I thought, shit maybe that’s the norm,
Yes, who needs coy?

Menora I saw that too. 🙄
While I get that people in love want everyone to know, why would you feel the need to post it on a board for relationship advice?
Chat, AIBU etc; knock yourself out. But not here.

My down moments were always in dealing with my ex-. It always seemed to leave me with a lot of down regulating of emotions, feeling blank, underpowered and withdrawn
I couldn't agree with this more hairy it sums me up perfectly, the "blank" feeling is so accurate. I think I'd have moved forwards much more quickly had NC been an option.
I'm also finding the discussion of confidence/the need for reassurance really interesting. I wouldn't say I'm especially confident but have learned over the last 18m that confidence comes from myself and not what others think or believe or see.
On the one hand it's very liberating, esp re dating, but on the other I can be my own worst enemy!

Well I got told off for being bitter today now! 😂

Relying on others for confidence is not a good idea, it does come from within. But you also need someone (friends too) who does bring out that confidence in you

I’m happy to give reassurance to someone ie yes I do like you 😂 but I don’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s ego - or they mine. After his wobble Mr Return seems ok, I’m not going to judge him badly for it as we have all been there! And we forget men can struggle with this too

I had counselling last night. Hit a funny block with it, she says I am not opening up to my actual feelings. I label everything anxiety. She says this is blocking the actual feelings. I’ve had anxiety (or the label of it) for so long now, it’s hard to get past it. So whenever I would have a feeling with exes in the past (or my family) and express it, they would always turn it back to me being anxious. Or like when you go to the doctor and they tell you it’s anxiety and dismiss you - that feeling. So I have associated everything with anxiety when it isn’t

I'm mostly lurk here - trying to absorb all your good advice but I have to say @HairyArsedMan your post has really hit home with me.

The feelings I have after I have had to deal with my ex (which is more than ever at the moment) are really impacting all areas of my life. I feel so blank and the trauma of what happened rises to the surface. I have no romantic feelings for him at all, but just being around him makes me feel utterly worthless, and like I'll never be good enough.

This then translates to ever other part of my life, I signed up to fab and have spoken to lots of people and they have all made comments along the lines of 'you're very attractive/pretty or you're really hot/sexy' none in a sleazy way really, more just statements. A couple of them I've met for socials (all before lockdown!), and they say the same thing, but I just cannot see it. I am constantly thinking - they are only saying that to get what they want because why would anyone be interested in me. I'm starting to realise this all goes back to how my ex made me feel about myself out how relationship - I never felt I was good enough for him.

Currently have 2 irons that I'm very interested in 1 is a definite FWB candidate, the other maybe more than - we have both admitted to having felt more of a connection that either of us were looking for). Whenever they say something nice about me or even do something nice. I think they're after something or lying. I'm really struggling with compliments or feeling like I'd be a good enough person to spend time with.

Sorry for the ramble. But I just need to work out how to process these feelings otherwise it's going to affect any and all relationships I might ever have again. I'd be grateful for any advice or suggestions

@Whatdoidowithmylifenow

Its not a ramble, you were very articulate actually. And even if it was, that's what we are here for.

I'd say unpack these feelings with a therapist. Years of what you've gone through in a marriage and fixing your self confidence needs work. But you are the on the right track by identifying it....

Enjoy the attention too...