@Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz no it's not bad.
Just be clear with yourself what you are doing. I've been flitting about in my head. I'm completely in love with a friend Mr Swan - the chemistry is unreal and people comment on it all the time. However since last August he's shown attraction then backed off again no less than four times. Each time saying he doesn't want to ruin our friendship, stupid thing he has done exactly that. We used to talk so much, and the week before lockdown we were out with others and afterwards he sent me a text saying I could see your worry don't I promise you won't be alone. Then everyday he messaged and we had video chats. Then he went AWOL a month ago, he's back and apologised saying that he had anxiety but he's not back fully. There's a brick wall in front of him and he's not the same, I tried talking about it and he said this is the best he can do. So I've put my boundary up, I'm not messaging outside a group chat. I'm devastated partly because I know I love him and it will never be, but also I'm grieving the loss of friendship now too in the midst of lockdown.
I started OLD in the midst of his hot and cold spell as a distraction in the hope I'd stop thinking of him in that way.
And this year I decided it was time I dealt with my very old traumas and how they affect me and my approach to dating. I'm doing counselling, remotely just now. It's the best thing I've ever done.
I've admitted to myself I don't want a traditional relationship and I'm good with non monogamy But on my terms. I do not want ONS, I want connection. Sex on its own is not enough. I need care and closeness too.
So I'm In a type of non traditional relationship with Mr Tea, I've not seen him in 12 weeks now. He is openly polyamorous and told me even before we met. I went into that open minded. He doesn't do casual, we had several dates before sex he genuinely cares about each of us and we are all a varying stages of long term, however I know that the most we can see each other (my schedule and where he lives) is twice a month so it feels more FWB for me. And as long as I'm safe and open he is happy for me to do what makes me happy and likes to hear about other relationships (he talks about his). But I know in my heart one of the reasons why I went into this was because I had feelings for Mr Swan and it was ok to feel like that and still be with Mr Tea (he knows).
But twice a month isn't enough and so when I met and made friends with Ms Jam (also poly and Bi) and she made it clear she was interested in me we spent more time together, there's only been sex once. She is fully aware of Mr Tea and is also friends with Mr Swan and I have been honest about that. The last we left it before lockdown was we are friends but the line is a little blurred.
She's struggling a bit with lockdown being that she can't see any of her poly relationships and we aren't talking as much right now.
So this takes me to why I joined fab - I thought it would be easier to find someone who was more open to a regular non monogamous situation- Mr Scent so far is seeming to be a front runner. I've told him of Mr Tea and Ms Jam. He has one other current potential.
Each of them give me something different, I know that neither Mr Tea or Ms Jam give me everything I need and they only work as part of my poly cell.
I have always had an interest in a poly life but I'm trying to decide if I'm pursuing now because my situation (a year post marriage split) supports it or I'm hiding from the pain of loving Mr Swan or a mixture of the two.
Still trying to work it all out mentally and emotionally - I'm aware that I'm just made a mammoth post, but it was quite cathartic so I thank you all. If you have any advice please feel free to chip in, I know all the thread regulars are kind and non judgemental but newbies please consider I'm still a bit fragile. Thanks.