Hes cheated on me

[Shelleygi]

Just been discharged from hospital 3 days ago and husband has come home last night and said hes cheated on me with a very young girl from work. She is accusing him of taking advantage of her sad he got her drunk etc.. this Happened the day I came out of hospital. I'm heartbroken dont know what to do

Come on, this must be a trolling post.

That poor girl, leave her alone! But definitely LTB, there are absolutely no possible scenarios here in which it wasn’t his fault and he was 100% culpable for his actions.

LittleFox I got that impression too. Could be her parents found out/caught them (they couldn’t have been drinking on a pub or at the OP’s as she was back home) knowing the OP’s DH was married and have decided he took advantage of her (not saying he didn’t) and are trying to mitigate the fallout/scandal. Why was an 18 year old doing drinking with a much older married man? OP knows a lot more background than us and where they live so must know them.

It’s a horrendous situation OP. I hope you’ve got him out of the house and are taking care of yourself. You didn’t deserve to be jumped on for being quite rightly very angry and deserve support .

I’m so shocked and disappointed by the amount of victim blaming posts on here, even if they are (thankfully) the minority. No matter what she wore, how she behaved, what she drank: unless she gave continuous, informed, enthusiastic consent (so not intoxicated!) - it’s assault. She can change her mind during any act, consent to some acts and not others... False accusations of assault are incredibly rare, and anecdotal evidence of “knowing someone” isn’t a good reason to judge all such claims. Nor is justifying what is a highly problematic opinion by having survived what is a terrible ordeal yourself. Reporting and speaking up, whether formally or informally, takes immense bravery and is so incredibly taxing and difficult. Our first thought, when someone reports a mugging, is not to assume they are lying or question their motives... why are some posters doing this to those who are sexually assaulted? To even suggest framings that minimise his actions is unhelpful to everyone involved.

I suspect OP has gone/is in another time zone, but he needs to leave the family home. Not only has he cheated on his vulnerable wife (which usually earns universal condemnation on MN when consensual), but he has clearly caused a great deal of harm to a woman who deserves nothing but support.

False accusations of assault are incredibly rare

Unfortunately, no, they are not.

OP, it doesn't matter in the end whether the girl consented or not, whether she was "chasing him" previously or not. While you were in hospital with, I assume COVID-19, your husband decided it was a good idea to drink with another woman, and further, to have sex with that woman. What does that say about his respect for you? No one forced him to drink with her. No one forced him to have sex with her. He decided to do those things, while his wife was in hospital with a potentially fatal illness.

@winterlife I really hope you didn't mean "it doesn't matter in the end whether the girl consented or not" as it sounds.

Even putting aside that it very obviously matters to the girl, it also changes whether OP's husband is 'just' a cheating bastard or a rapist! One might be forgivable, the other absolutely not!!

no I dont feel sorry for her at all. He should know better at 35 and I dont and wont ever condone what he has done but what type of person sleeps with a married man?

You understand that she's accusing him of rape, right?

Absolutely do not go near her and don't make contact. A delusional victim-blaming rape apologist interrogating her is the last thing the poor girl needs right now.

In OP making her decision, it doesn’t matter.

There is no way to prove he is a rapist. It’s a he said/she said situation. I think OP needs to make her decision based on the fact her husband had sex with another woman, one roughly half his age, while she was in hospital, battling a potentially deadly illness.

Assuming this is all horrendously true, given what the op has said, think for a moment about how many years her DH has had to work on her thought processing? Probably to a point that has lead her to make some, seemingly bizarre conclusions. This could be sad all round, the op has started thinking in a scewed way about who has responsibility for control of their sexuality. It's clear that the op is not thinking right, sadly her DH has had a long time to work on her and maybe she was a victim in waiting for him? We don't know what the OP learnt growing up. She is so far from rational about this I doubt words on a forum will be enough to help her see the wood for the trees.

OP, talk this through with a counselor, just on your own, it's beyond anything joint. If you are even contemplating how your marriage can survive this, you need to look at why your gut reaction from the first knowledge of this has not been to end things immediately. You are reacting in a way that your H has been conditioning you to, you need therapy to unravel what's gone wrong with you over the years that has lead you to think like this given the gravity of the situation.

Unfortunately, no, they are not.

Stats?

Even if stats are provided in incidentally; a lack of prosecution or failed prosecution is not definitive proof that a rape or sexual assault did not occur.

Inability to successfully prosecute or a decision that it's unfeasible to prosecute at all - are incredibly common.

A 35 ye old man who had sex with an 18 yr old girl (plenty of 18 yr olds are still at school FFS, going to school in a uniform) had extremely doubtful integrity to begin with ...

(Or any sexual contact if sexual intercourse did not take place).

Excellent post by sergeilavrov

Even if stats are provided in incidentally; a lack of prosecution or failed prosecution is not definitive proof that a rape or sexual assault did not occur.

Stats are up to 10% of reported rapes have not occurred, and most often, it is in circumstances like this one.

I started my career in criminal law, and I have witnessed false accusations.

Inability to successfully prosecute or a decision that it's unfeasible to prosecute at all - are incredibly common.

If it's a he said/she said, as in this case, yes. You can't automatically default to the girl was raped. She may have consented and regretted her actions after the fact (I've seen a victim's friends provide testify that stated as much). He may have got her drunk and she couldn't consent. We just can't know the truth.

A 35 ye old man who had sex with an 18 yr old girl (plenty of 18 yr olds are still at school FFS, going to school in a uniform) had extremely doubtful integrity to begin with ...

I never stated otherwise. All I'm saying is that whether or not the sex was consensual, given it can't be proven either way, is irrelevant to the OP's decision. Her decision should be based on his actions and his character.

Shes been trying it on with him for months knowing that he had a wife and family.

Who's told you that- presumably just him. You know you can't believe a word he says, he's just proved it.

The only reason you even know he cheated was damage limitation- he thought it'd be better you find out from him than from someone else, or the police turning up on the doorstep. If she hadn't been considering reporting her rape then you would never have known he slept with someone else.

How is he with you sexually OP? I know that some men who raped/took advantage of me were also very unpleasant to their wives, including raping them. I expect they are sex pests at home.

Oh no! I'm sorry this has happened to you! But why are you thinking about involving her family?

This young girl isnt responsible for your relationship, your your husband is Yes, she shouldn't have slept with him buuuuut, your husband is about 90% to blame for this. He has very quickly shifted this blame therefore the attention has come off him.

You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be upset but you direct that your husband.

What exactly has he said for himself? How do you feel about your husband?
I would bet he's blaming her. She made him do it, it was a mistake blah blah.

The most frustrating thing about this is, you have lost the point. HE DID THIS. She is a young girl with no ties, no real understanding of a life. Now your husband, he's grown ass man (which is debatable considering how hes acting) he knew better!

@NoMoreDickheads, I think this is irrelevant as well. Whether she hit on him or not, he chose to have sex with that girl. He wasn't walking innocently down the street, and his penis somehow ended up inside her without his knowing or consenting.

I'm so glad that the world has changed enough that she felt she could talk up angrily.

When I was nineteen I got an internship in a software company. A man in his late 30s was mentoring me. We went out for company drinks, he literally kept refilling me with double vodkas, I kept saying no I have to go and meet my friends. The rest of my colleagues left, I vaguely remember the boss having some stern words with him regarding me. At this stage I had smeared chocolate cake on my top and was saying I couldn't go straight out now. He agreed and next thing more vodka appeared. All that follows is blurry, I remember feeling sick and him walking me around and we ended up having sexual contact in a green.

I was beyond embarrassed the next day. I had no recollection of getting home, just flashbacks to him touching me. I was terrified people in the office would find out, ashamed of how drunk I had been in front of everyone including him. I knew my friends would laugh at me for being with someone so old. I was afraid his fiance would arrive at the office and make a scene.

He developed a massive crush on me, following me out everytime I went for a coffee or hanging around whenever I was alone. He sent me inappropriate emails which I informed but didn't know how to handle. At the Christmas party (I didn't drink a drop) he leaned across the table and caressed me saying "we never talked about that night". I still remember my face burning and shame flooding me as the people within earshot looked amused and shocked.

Now I am older I am not embarrassed, I am furious. A person with that life experience has no right to abuse a situation like that - especially if he intentiobally helped create it.

He is to blame and who your anger should be directed at.

Sickandscared

A similar thing happened to me when I was 18 and got a job in a pub. Looking back on it now I can’t believe how much I went along with, even though I was fairly confident for an 18 year old. I was also a naive idiot, of course.

The OP is directing her anger at entirely the wrong person in this thread (if it’s even a true story), but given her other comments about men and women she’s obviously been conditioned into believing all the misogynist cliches at some point.

@Shelleygi The only reason to contact the 18 year old or her parents is to encourage her to press charges against your husband.

@Sickandscared, your story is horrifying and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your colleague was an aggressive predator. You were too intoxicated to give your consent - which doubtless otherwise would never have been given - and even your memory of this event is patchy. which raises other very serious questions about his behaviour, or the effects on you of trauma. When I was raped, my memory was also patchy and I suffered from similar flashbacks to those you describe. It turned out I had PTSD.

Incidentally, when I was the one in this position my overriding fear was also of others finding out. It's a common one amongst victims of sexual assault, albeit this fear is one that should have been experienced by my two rapists rather than me. I don't know what on earth conditions us to think this way. But we do.

Your colleague was at best an intrusive, intimdiating, predatory sex offender. I'm angry for you, too; and for all victims who find themselves in this unenviable situation in a society which seems hellbent on enabling and excusing the perpetators.

I hope this girl reports her so-called 'colleague' to the police.

Wtf!

How do you know she's been "trying it on with him for months?" And even if she HAS Been flirting with him likely due to a daft crush that does NOT excuse his behaviour to either of you and it most definitely does not excuse rape!

Frankly from your attitude you and he sound well suited!

He told her he'd made a mistake and asked her to leave work. Sshe said if you sack me I'm gonna tell police you forced me. So thanks everyone yes im a fucking horrible person

Well if that's true, he got back exactly what he gave out. Rather than resign in remorse, he threatened her job. Despicable. Maybe she is more sensible than we gave her credit for and is just putting the wind up the lecherous old creep. If, we believe she even said that. I mean, we know he is manipulative. Manipulative people tend to paint others as the same as them.

Either way, who cares. She is 18 and he's gross.
It isnt this girls fault you married a wanker.

Has she said this in text messages so he's evidence? Why has he asked her to leave her job because of his mistake? Just because a woman agrees to have a drink with a man does not entitle him to sleep with her.

god it gets better...was the recent update OP meant to change our opinion? So your cheating DH tells the 18yr old he had sex with she was to leave work......ie. sack her and you think she is still the problem...