I saw him in bed with someone else.

[DuckingHeckers]

My husband.
We broke up for 18 months and have got back together.
He saw someone a few times.

Once I went to his and saw them together.

I have really, really low self confidence. Have had kids. Am very, very overweight due to emotional eating and medication

She... well, was the complete opposite of me. Very slim, blonde, younger, no kids so no sagging or stretchmarks.

I find it hard when we have sex to relax. I keep seeing his hands on her tiny waist.

We've talked and he's reassured me but the image is there. Burned into my mind.

I've always felt like I'm not good enough. And now I think he's had a proper woman and he has to go back to me.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'll still have stretched out skin, sagging breasts, extreme overhang (not a cut pooch. A full apron of skin)

I just feel so shit.

I know not many people will have seen their husband with another woman so probably not asking for experiences but maybe a way to build my confidence? :(

[Yecats1990]

I think you are too hard on yourself. When I was 20 I was slim and what society would say is conventionally "hot" (long blonde hair, big boobs, flat tummy etc) but the man I loved left me for his ex who was a much bigger girl, 10 years later they are still together and seem really really happy. He was more attracted to her in every way.
Staying in your PJ's all day every day can make anyone feel unattractive so maybe try to get some new clothes that make you feel nicer.
Might sound stupid but listen to some Lizzo songs and watch some body positive videos.... there are lots of women who are bigger and super sexy because they own it and are confident.

[something2say]

The problem is your headspace my love - your thought patterns.

I bet you spend most of every day putting yourself down in your own head. Absolutely slaying your own self esteem.

Now you are reaping the results of that.

The thing to do is turn it around. Google self esteem exercises and do them for at least a month. Try to catch yourself when you're thinking bad thoughts and do some recompense. Focus on your good qualities, use them more to bring them to the fore. And since the problem is your physical body, why not try to start a project there? Add good nourishing stuff to your diet and become mindful of what you eat. I need to do this, so I was thinking of writing a mantra for before eating, i.e. Do I need this? Food is medicine, is this good medicine? Will I be proud of disappointed by my choices today? Am I going to overeat again today? See if that works? Also your skin, brush it, moisturise it. And your hair and nails.

There's been too much negativity in your head. Choose to replace it, starting now xxxxxxxxx

[DuckingHeckers]

Those last two messages made me teary.

Thankyou.

The body positive stuff is a good idea too.

I listen to Lizzo daily! I love her

[walksonthebeach]

OP you've asked for ways to build your confidence & you've been given good advice, it's up to you weather you choose to take the advice or not.

You said you've never felt good enough, why is that? Has he made you feel like that or is that how you feel yourself?

Surely you have some clothes that makes you feel good. If your wearing pjs most days you will not feel better in yourself, get up, have a shower & find your nicest clothes you have. You will feel so much better. You've already lost 5lbs, that's amazing. Keep eating healthy & do some exercise. Do it for yourself, not for him. This is not about how he sees you, it's about how you see yourself. He will find you more attractive if you are more confident in yourself.

I think seeing your DP in bed with someone else is horrific & to be honest you'd feel the same way no matter what her body shape was. Does he know that you saw them?

[something2say]

Don't get her on about the image anymore! It needs to reced and be replaced.

I'd say for example, create an immediate thought second to that first thought of HER in bed with a previous hunk. His lovely sexy masculine body pinning her down, his sexy tanned bum cheeks etc. Never can she think of one without the other! And the fact that this sexy man may have been a reality yet here she is with her husband? Well, lucky him! And lucky her too.

[ballsdeep]

Well he needs to learn how to close the curtains

[DuckingHeckers]

I've never slept with another man 😂 Let alone a hunk.
Made me giggle though!

[walksonthebeach]

Did you not say you had slept with someone else when you were split up?

[GilbertMarkham]

Does he know that you saw them?

Op said they'd talked about it and he'd tried to reassure her I think.

[GilbertMarkham]

Yeah I thought op said she'd slept with someone else during the 18 months too.

[GilbertMarkham]

Well to me it just demonstrates the risks/implications of staying good friends and coming and going from the others home (even if you weren't inside) when you're split up.

[GilbertMarkham]

And is it really friends when you get back together a while later.

There's nothing you can do about it, other than end the relationship which it really doesn't sound like you want to.

Some posters behave given some good advice on how to try to tackle the depression and dissatisfaction with your weight.

And yes if you end up with loose skin, there's nothing other than cosmetic surgery that could fix that - which is expensive and has a risk.

But your op got back together with you as you are anyway.

[GilbertMarkham]

*oh

[12345kbm]

OP, diets are a complete waste of time if your weight gain is due to childhood trauma and low self esteem.

The reason you're overeating is because you're pushing down your feelings with food. Unless you address the primary cause of over eating and find adaptive strategies to replace that, you will continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. You'll lose weight and pile it all back again plus some because constant dieting messes with your metabolism.

Anti depressants are renowned for weight gain OP and it doesn't sound as though yours are doing much as you sound depressed. I don't understand how you are going to all these different GPs, but if every single response is the same, perhaps the problem here isn't them.

When you are too depressed to get dressed or get off the sofa and you are comforting yourself with food, 'going on a diet' isn't going to help. You need a long term strategy here which is to raise your self esteem and start to process childhood trauma.

I would start with over eaters anonymous. It's online and means you only have to put on a clean top to participate. You won't be judged by others in the same boat and everyone is there for the same purpose. It's free and minimal effort on your part.

In the meantime, the scrapbook is a great idea. Journalling is always good. Just as long as you aren't using it to further negatively evaluate and judge yourself.

I really sense your desperation and unhappiness OP. I know how it feels to feel powerless and as though nothing works. We're not looking for immediate results here. This is a marathon not a sprint to the finish. You'll find that slowly, brick by brick, little changes build up to big transformations.

You are worth making an effort for. I don't know what is to be done about the excess skin, I know that's a concern for you. However, there's nothing you can do about that now, today. Things in your power are continuing the scrapbook, looking into overeaters anonymous and making a self referral for counselling. Those are small things you can do right now that won't take long. If you follow through, you might find that this time next year, you're in a far better place.

[PerditaDreamsofFairHorses]

Could you a couple of sessions of NLP or CBT online? It might be a bit cheaper than face to face. Otherwise there have been a few book recommendations. I would recommend The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters. I bought it thinking it was for sports psychology, but it's much broader than that and has really helped me with intrusive/obsessive thoughts. I have struggled with my weight, but it's always just too difficult to deal with if my head's not sorted.

[Chickoletta]

This is not about your husband at all, it’s about you. If your weight is a big part of what is making you miserable, be brave and address that. I’ve lost a couple of stone at Slimming World and there are women in my group who have lost 7-8 stone and talk about how it has changed every aspect of their lives.

This may not be for you, although I think it’s worth a try, but you need some support in changing your mindset. Spending all day in your pyjamas is not a good way for you to live and it can’t be good for your kids either.

Remember that your husband chose you.

[DuckingHeckers]

Yes. I did sleep with someone. It wasn't a man.

Is that so hard to work out?

[DuckingHeckers]

I've bought a few books.

Why would I leave my husband. The issue is with me not him.

Im going to feel the same about myself whoever I'm with.

So I have to work on myself.

Not break his heart for something he has no control over, my negative thoughts.

[walksonthebeach]

*Is that so hard to work out?
*
Silly me 🙄

[DuckingHeckers]

Why the eye roll?

She said imagine a big muscly man on top of you. I said I'd never slept with another man.

You read I slept with someone.

I didn't see the need for the eye roll :(

[walksonthebeach]

Just because you didn't say it was "a man" doesn't mean we would all just assume you slept with another women.

"Is that so hard to work out" Was very condescending!

[oooompa]

DuckingHeckers Well done on your weight loss so far!

I don't have anything very useful to say but read your post about what you might look like even after losing weight, with lose skin. I've lost just under 7 stone so far since the start of 2019 and had the same worries as you, but honestly I don't think I really have any lose skin. I do still have 2 and a half stone to go to get to a healthy BMI and no doubt WILL have lose skin, but honestly the weight loss so far has done wonders for my self esteem.

The way you speak about yourself was the way I spoke about myself (sometimes still do) but I'm so much more confident now.

Good luck with everything 😊

[oooompa]

*loose, not lose! 😳

[DuckingHeckers]

Well if I slept with someone and it wasn't a man what else would it be??

[DuckingHeckers]

Your eye roll was condescending also.