I saw him in bed with someone else.

[DuckingHeckers]

My husband.
We broke up for 18 months and have got back together.
He saw someone a few times.

Once I went to his and saw them together.

I have really, really low self confidence. Have had kids. Am very, very overweight due to emotional eating and medication

She... well, was the complete opposite of me. Very slim, blonde, younger, no kids so no sagging or stretchmarks.

I find it hard when we have sex to relax. I keep seeing his hands on her tiny waist.

We've talked and he's reassured me but the image is there. Burned into my mind.

I've always felt like I'm not good enough. And now I think he's had a proper woman and he has to go back to me.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'll still have stretched out skin, sagging breasts, extreme overhang (not a cut pooch. A full apron of skin)

I just feel so shit.

I know not many people will have seen their husband with another woman so probably not asking for experiences but maybe a way to build my confidence? :(

[Imacliche]

.op pop me an inbox. I'd like to try and help you get some confidence back! I'm currently training to be a PT and want to specialise in helping get mentally fit aswel as body wise. would absolutely be more than happy to help you along the way. Help you build you some self esteem and hopefully feel a bit better about yourself. Its helped me loads since I finally left a 10 year abusive relationship. Has kept my head clear and finally given me some.sort of confidence back. More than happy to see if we can do the same for you

[Goatinthegarden]

Your husband is not with this woman and has come back to you. He has shown where his affections lie and you have to learn to trust him if it’s going to work.

If you are unhappy with your body, think about what you can do to make yourself feel more confident.

I’ve found plenty of men attractive that don’t meet up to the media’s portrayal of what is supposed to make me swoon.

[groovergirl]

Most blokes are just happy to be naked and in bed with a woman and aren't examining every curve and stretch mark.

This. And as PPs have pointed out, it's worth standing up straight, frocking out out of your PJs and making an effort. You are worth the effort. Forget expensive talk therapy, at least for now. Start with an hour-long walk in the morning. My friend lost 64kg (10 stone) this way. She felt great, and btw, even at her heaviest, she never lacked for an utterly devoted boyfriend. Sexy is sexy at any size.

[Redskylark]

This is such sad reading op. Without trying to sound rude why did you post this? From the responses to previous posters it doesn't seem like we can help you much. Have you thought about counselling? Be it physical or not you've got something which your husband holds in high value, even if it is your kids and shared history those things can make someone the person they are

[Dontletitbeyou]

Obviously your self esteem is at Rock bottom . You look at your DH And ask yourself , why would he want to be with me?
He’s with you because he wants to be with you. He’s had the slim blonde with the great figure , and where is he now ? He’s back with you where he wants to be .
I strongly agree with the pp who suggested you change your GP. Feeling low , having anxiety about your weight are both valid reasons for visiting your gp and if he is fobbing you off , you need to find one who won’t . I understand some AD cause side effects such as weight gain , but maybe you can try different ones , that might have less of an impact . That’s where the supper of a good Gp is so important
It’s very hard when you feel like you have such a lot of weight to lose , but the up side is that you will notice fairly quickly when you first start to lose it , and it acts as an incentive to keep going . It’s fantastic you have lost some in the last few weeks . Be really proud of yourselves . All journeys have to start somewhere . Whatever you are doing , keep going with it . If you can go out for a walk , do that , nothing to long , start off small . Whack up the music and do a bit of energetic dusting , hoovering etc , even if you are not feeling like it , just give it a go , you can always stop if you need to .
Also , dont take this as a negative , I’m not judging you , rather than staying in pjs all day ,try and get dressed . I think it may lift your mood somewhat . If you think you are ready for that walk you are already dressed and ready to head out
I’m sure there are lots of lovely positive things about you , you’d husband obviously sees them , find them and remind yourself of them throughout the day . Ok sounds a bit Dr Phil , but it can’t hurt can it .
Work on the things you can , to get you closer to where you want to be , and trust your husband has made the choice that he’s happy and is staying with you .
Good luck

[IncrediblySadToo]

Why did you get back together? Do you feel he came back fir you or because of the kids/finances?

Why you broke up us relevant too, can you say why 'in a nut shell'

This is mostly your depression talking, but if you are able to answer those questions we might be able to help.

[Inthepurplerain]

If she was so perfect, why isn’t he with her now?

It’s not all about looks, it’s about connection and personality.

[Youcanstay]

Why are you asking why isin’t he with her if she’s so great?
Maybe the slim blonde didn’t want to be with him.

So he came back running....

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Can I just recommend weight training. There's none of the jumping up and down or quick movements that can be difficult when starting overweight and unfit. Nothing more off putting than gasping for breath after 2 minutes while sweating buckets!

You don't need to spend money on trainers or sports bras. You don't need equipment - two cans or small bottles of water to start. Lots of sessions on YouTube. Start slow. Get the techniques right.

And I agree your gp utter shite!! Your weight gain is clearly contributing greatly to your depression and should not be dismissed. Are you minimising your moods when you go to see the gp by chance? I've found you need to be more than honest for some gps to take women's mh seriously. Wail, cry, be dramatic!! But stand your ground. Ask for a second opinion. Threaten to complain. Threaten to sue! Don't take their dismissive shit. This is your life and you have the fucking right not to be fobbed off because they think you should just roll over and accept that they know what's best for YOU. If they can't be arsed to do a bit of research to find alternative meds, then you do it. Go in armed. Don't say "Could you change.." Go "I want ......"

I despise GPs who metaphorically pat women on the head and tell us not to be silly cos they know best!! They are seriously failing women because they don't take our concerns and feelingd seriously!

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Two issues here
Your self esteem
And your health

And I think unless
You put a concerted effort into at least one of the issues nothing will change OP

I can emphasise with how shit you feel and what a horrible feeling it is . But these feelings won’t just disappear unless you make
Some
Kind of decision

What’s easiest ?
Starting to get healthier
Having some therapy
Doing some reading on
The topic

Or doing nothing and staying sad ?

One always feels better when in action

[GilbertMarkham]

Why are you asking why isin’t he with her if she’s so great?
Maybe the slim blonde didn’t want to be with him.

So he came back running....

If he could get one slim blonde, he could get another.

Why are you being so fkg offensive?

Do you enjoy kicking people when they're down?

Are you sadistic, do you think?

[GilbertMarkham]

Op when I was younger I thought men always went for a stayed with the most conventionally attractive woman (by Western standards) older I realised they most definitely do not.

He's with you, I wouldn't worry about it.

(At saying this because it makes me feel good, I'm a skinny, it's just my body type).

[GilbertMarkham]

*Not saying this

[GilbertMarkham]

As a side note who the fk leaves their bedroom/sitting room curtains or blinds open in a ground floor flat when they're having sex or getting jiggy?

Did he want to be seen?

[DuckingHeckers]

Gilbert, a private passage runs along side the house. Very rarely used and there were blinds, just not shut. I looked through to see if he was asleep before banging on the door.
He never mentioned anyone, not that he should have, we weren't together, so I didn't think anything of checking.
I thought if he's asleep ill come back later.

We were still very much friends.

[DuckingHeckers]

He wasn't dating her. It was just sex several times. They didn't 'break up' it was just hookups.

Sorry am trying to read through replies and respond.

[DuckingHeckers]

I've done All the diets you can imagine and failed.

I've started something I've not done before though. Like a scrapbook diary. I've put my current 'before' photos in and am trying to unpick my brain and write down why food is my go to when sad.

I've never tried to analyse it before in depth.

I also write and decorate it in the evening to keep myself busy as that's when I eat most.

[DuckingHeckers]

My GP seems to think my weight is secondary to my depression.

I went to talk about it and he tried to switch my antidepressant to Mitazapine(sp) the drug is is well know for weight gain 🙄

I went back and he told me to join slimming World (don't it half a dozen times)

Another time I was told to go away and lose a stone then they'll give me xls medical pills.

Another time I was told they cant really do much as they used to give gum passes and stuff but funding is cut. Told me to restrict ktmy calories and exercise.

I have been so many times. Different GPS.

They just say its down to me to make changes but it's hard when it's so tied in mentally.

I went many years ago as I would attend my Fils wedding because I felt too huge to have my photo taken. The Dr agreed it was a huge problem but didn't really offer nay help passed the usual 'try and lose weight and come back in a month to see your progress'

I think the self help route is what I need.

I might buy some books to figure out why I emotionally eat. I mean I know why I do, childhood trauma. But the psychology behind it and coping mechanisms.

[DuckingHeckers]

Youcanstay

That's not how it went down at all.

He said he didn't like sleeping with her. He just missed human contact.
He'd only ever slept with me prior to that.

Again I don't know if it's true, only he knows that. But he said it didn't feel right at all and he struggled physically with her.

[TheCatInAHat]

Honestly a bit of aerobic exercise will really lift your mood. Even jogging on the spot for 30 seconds repeated 5 or 6 times with a rest in between and a brisk walk a day.

Only you can change how you feel about yourself. If you stick with this ‘won’t work’ attitude absolutely nothing will change and you’ll feel the same in 5 years time. If you start exercising today in 8 weeks time you could be feeling far more positive about yourself.

[HelloMyNameIsHilda]

duckingheckers - I feel for you so much. That sounds really tough. As pp said comparison really is the thief of joy.

I've struggled with cycles of over and under eating for years. All tied up with my self esteem and MH. I can almost guarantee you that when you can raise your self esteem and regulate your mood whether through meds and combination of talking or other therapy, your eating pattens will most likely change too, you'll feel more motivated to move and to look after yourself in terms of having a haircut you feel happier about, wearing clothes you feel better in etc. They are all interconnected.

One of the things that helped me enormously when I was finding stuff really hard over ten years ago was a book called the mindful way through depression www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=2ZG53XAVZ9YPI&keywords=the%20mindful%20way%20through%20depression&sprefix=mindful%20ways%2Caps%2C139&qid=1588927657&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 - it really helps you to examine and understand your thought patterns, not in a critical way, but in what I found was a really helpful way. I still have depressive blips these days I think it's just how I'm wired but I found the mindful approach so self compassionate and strengthening I highly recommend you take a look and see if it might be a good fit for you.

Another thing that helped me with the eating challenges was a more somatic or body centred approach to counselling/therapy. I have been in counselling on and off since my teens and found that because so much of my issues are in my head (and I don't mean that dismissively at all) pure talking therapy wasn't most helpful as it kept me in my head so to speak. In the end I found a therapist who took a very somatic or body based approach, helping me to connect with how my negative feelings presented in my body as sensations and also as emotions. I ran to food (and other substances) instead of recognising and connecting with what was really going on for me. That helped massively. I also did somatic movement workshops with that therapist, and journalled what came up for me and again that was hugely strengthening.

I still struggle on occasion, but I am so much kinder to myself when I do. I hope you can find that too.

The scrapbook diary you mention sounds like a really good step forward. It will help you unpick some of what you are feeling and also it's great to hear that you are decorating it etc, connecting with your creativity and giving that space in your life can also be very therapeutic.

Wish you the very best OP. (And definitely change GPs)

[Youcanstay]

GilbertMarkham:
One: chillax!!

Two: The only reason i said it, was because multiple people were talking like he’s some hot shit.

I thought and still thin it was a very valid thing.
For many men having A woman, ANY woman, is hellava better deal than no woman.

NONE of this says anything about op.
I just wanted to point out another (more realistic) view.
I mean if you want to cuddle yourself with the ”he’s with you now” thing, go ahead.
But IF he was with her for convenience, because she just happens to be there and took him back,
And op is feeling all of this.
Is it really worth it?

Just keep in mind exactly who is with you and why.
Self-respect!

Good luck!

[ChipsyChopsy]

Sorry OP, I haven't read all the thread so apologies if what I say isn't relevant.

Men who use your weight against you, are trying to break you down. Make you vulnerable. And they are picking the thing that they think will hit you hardest, it's not a straight 'men hate fat women', it's 'some men hate women and will aim for the jugular'.

I was a size 14 when 'your bird's got a fat arse' was shouted to the guy I was walking with. Or 'you'd be prettier if you lost weight' from the work colleague who was dying for me to give him attention.

Please, learn to accept your body. It doesn't need to be thin to be tolerated.

The next time you think of your husband with this thinner woman, can you switch it up? Doesn't it go to show that attractiveness and love are not synonymous with thinness.

Start there. Seek out some body positive SM. You don't have to hit the ground with loving your body, but today just stop hating it. And if you are struggling please remember, your worth is so much more than what your body looks like.

[YouJustDoYou]

Change your weight then. It's not impossible. Or not. But it's your choice.

[DuckingHeckers]

Youjustdoit.
Wow! Thankyou so much! I never thought of that. Amazing advice. What a revelation! You should write a very short book!