I saw him in bed with someone else.

[DuckingHeckers]

My husband.
We broke up for 18 months and have got back together.
He saw someone a few times.

Once I went to his and saw them together.

I have really, really low self confidence. Have had kids. Am very, very overweight due to emotional eating and medication

She... well, was the complete opposite of me. Very slim, blonde, younger, no kids so no sagging or stretchmarks.

I find it hard when we have sex to relax. I keep seeing his hands on her tiny waist.

We've talked and he's reassured me but the image is there. Burned into my mind.

I've always felt like I'm not good enough. And now I think he's had a proper woman and he has to go back to me.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'll still have stretched out skin, sagging breasts, extreme overhang (not a cut pooch. A full apron of skin)

I just feel so shit.

I know not many people will have seen their husband with another woman so probably not asking for experiences but maybe a way to build my confidence? :(

[12345kbm]

You're overeating in order to stuff down your emotions. Dieting won't work because you have an unhealthy relationship with food. The 'binge purge' cycle is a sign of an eating disorder and eating disorders aren't cured by 'diets'.

You need therapy and emotional support, not diet books.

There's an organisation called Beat that you might find helpful.

However you choose to go about this, I wish you all the best.

[DuckingHeckers]

I've just had a massive binge and purge
I was doing so well. I don't even know why
I'm trying to figure it out and I just don't know why I self sabotage

[CHIRIBAYA]

You have a lot of very negative and self-critical voices going in in your head; you need to address these before you can allow yourself to believe that your husband wants you and loves you for who you are, irrespective of your weight. Start paying attention to them, when they arise, what they say, how they make you feel, where they originated and then you need to challenge them and keep challenging them. Your distorted thinking is limiting the joy you might otherwise be feeling. It sounds as if your self-destructive voices kick in strongly at the point of sex i.e. when we are most intimate with our partners so that is a good starting point in coming to a greater awareness of your relationship with yourself. I've seen plenty of men who are tender and loving to larger women and plenty of men who are horrible to slim women.

[DuckingHeckers]

Ballet? 😭😂

Or do you mean exercise in general

[groovergirl]

Agh! Sorry, dunno how all that code got mixed in.

[groovergirl]

If you aren’t happy with your weight then start to lose it. Do it for yourself, for your own self esteem.

This. OP, I'm weighing in again as you are clearly distressed and beating up on yourself, even tho you have a good bod that just needs a little shaking.
<a class="break-all" href="https://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/aclk?sa=l&ai=CZ25OQm62XvzGLo3sowOC4ILwAcyp1JVd6IyX6fMLv-EeEAEgrKLcHGClwKOApAGgAa3ciogDyAED4AIAqAMByAMIqgSVAk_QXvGjCuTlDknbvKu4aaAZluDyP-w2JiKDDHpbAzaBU_-5IS9dTHyChKg9ZEFfNhPz_R-RBuaBUGQUZuBD0l4vULvgFXQNHXSFTaHhoxzqzCXP4TkFw9bAW1Q8sZhjbKpukBcj0Xn1Si9BaLOlrZ3EuJO5JaoakGO6QWjyOTL1doBa4Yg6q80LFhceXyPYntcp932VAX3Kun6PNksjpNqAO9sbwLPdRpi01pb6JjL5hC6G9vUgOwj8YkrqEhSQKJvuePWwwJrzeVXYNjTYTD-Fv_yrV25P69oNSwGlGsO7zZrHerFkbzuWBHIElWe--_6rB-avSv7wRTCEAEbbY99Xwo9L_RbJEvcQ8ZtP4h-QGTz6Fr_ABPrjzajcAeAEAaAGA4AH4NfLeKgHjs4bqAfVyRuoB5PYG6gHugaoB_DZG6gH8tkbqAemvhuoB-zVG6gH89EbqAfs1RuoB5bYG6gHwtob2AcB0ggJCIDhwHAQARgdsQmlmOlqI9zza4AKA5gLAcgLAdgTDA&ae=1&num=1&cid=CAAScORoSujCTX2loOEzzl8PzQM3wIBkSEkRjIJAFQIXxWpdbYxfvn5vUNE1Mid0InCf2KD0DtXFA8zjzkChI9sDoHbHtgPu3I8_vRw7wwLRnSdA6d1-GyIPUxG1R3lkUfDGSyGqcZSJXvdObwlYsZG2s2s&sig=AOD64_1nPz1tv7M8ZqpQD3C7SE5Dr7ejmA&client=ca-pub-1533521060959988&nx=CLICK_X&ny=CLICK_Y&nb=2&adurl=www.newchic.com/theme-retro-bohemia-printing-weaving-strap-shoes-t-334919/%3Futm_source%3Dgoogle%26utm_medium%3Dcpc_ads2%26utm_campaign%3Dcnew-ws1-n-cl334919-wor-0508-ysk%26utm_content%3D0706%26utm_design%3D0_id%3D434639583033%26gclid%3DEAIaIQobChMI_O_I37Km6QIVDfZoCh0CsAAeEAEYASAAEgIr2vD_BwE" rel="nofollow noindex" target="blank">googleads.g.doubleclick.net/aclk?sa=l&ai=CZ25OQm62XvzGLo3sowOC4ILwAcyp1JVd6IyX6fMLv-EeEAEgrKLcHGClwKOApAGgAa3ciogDyAED4AIAqAMByAMIqgSVAk_QXvGjCuTlDknbvKu4aaAZluDyP-w2JiKDDHpbAzaBU-5IS9dTHyChKg9ZEFfNhPz_R-RBuaBUGQUZuBD0l4vULvgFXQNHXSFTaHhoxzqzCXP4TkFw9bAW1Q8sZhjbKpukBcj0Xn1Si9BaLOlrZ3EuJO5JaoakGO6QWjyOTL1doBa4Yg6q80LFhceXyPYntcp932VAX3Kun6PNksjpNqAO9sbwLPdRpi01pb6JjL5hC6G9vUgOwj8YkrqEhSQKJvuePWwwJrzeVXYNjTYTD-Fv_yrV25P69oNSwGlGsO7zZrHerFkbzuWBHIElWe--_6rB-avSv7wRTCEAEbbY99Xwo9L_RbJEvcQ8ZtP4h-QGTz6Fr_ABPrjzajcAeAEAaAGA4AH4NfLeKgHjs4bqAfVyRuoB5PYG6gHugaoB_DZG6gH8tkbqAemvhuoB-zVG6gH89EbqAfs1RuoB5bYG6gHwtob2AcB0ggJCIDhwHAQARgdsQmlmOlqI9zza4AKA5gLAcgLAdgTDA&ae=1&num=1&cid=CAAScORoSujCTX2loOEzzl8PzQM3wIBkSEkRjIJAFQIXxWpdbYxfvn5vUNE1Mid0InCf2KD0DtXFA8zjzkChI9sDoHbHtgPu3I8_vRw7wwLRnSdA6d1-GyIPUxG1R3lkUfDGSyGqcZSJXvdObwlYsZG2s2s&sig=AOD64_1nPz1tv7M8ZqpQD3C7SE5Dr7ejmA&client=ca-pub-1533521060959988&nx=CLICK_X&ny=CLICK_Y&nb=2&adurl=www.newchic.com/theme-retro-bohemia-printing-weaving-strap-shoes-t-334919/%3Futm_source%3Dgoogle%26utm_medium%3Dcpc_ads2%26utm_campaign%3Dcnew-ws1-n-cl334919-wor-0508-ysk%26utm_content%3D0706%26utm_design%3D0_id%3D434639583033%26gclid%3DEAIaIQobChMI_O_I37Km6QIVDfZoCh0CsAAeEAEYASAAEgIr2vD_BwE
Marriages in RL are much more complicated than are depicted in fantasy, movie, literary or otherwise. Your DH has chosen to be with you. It's up to you to choose the sort of woman you want to be, and this ideal needs to be what you decide. If you want to be athletic, you know what you have to do.

BTW, I want to get back to ballet classes again. I don't need to be an Olympian, but I do want to boogie. Join me?

[Loveablers]

OP ignore the idiots telling you to break up with him. Classic Mumsnet full of man hating women telling you to end your marriage because your husbands a dick despite doing nothing wrong.

It’s easy for us to sit here and say “forget that image” because it’s easier said than done. Nobody wants to see their partner with somebody else!

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid. Your husband doesn’t sound bad at all, he clearly loves you and finds you attractive. He doesn’t have to be with you, he clearly had the opportunity to be with a slimmer woman (your words) yet he’s still chosen to be with you. It’s not just because you’re the mother to his kids, it’s because he loves you and wants to be with you.

If you aren’t happy with your weight then start to lose it. Do it for yourself, for your own self esteem. I can’t comment on the other woman because I don’t know her nor has she done anything wrong, but there’s far more to keeping a man/woman than being slim and toned.

[DuckingHeckers]

Yeah being a single mum to 4 kids with health issues is going to be easier than having a loving partner. Just Becaus ei have self esteem issues.

Crazy

[Aminuts23]

OP it’s really sad that you compare yourself to this woman. It must have been devastating to see what you saw.
Let me tell you I’m single right now but I have a couple of ex’s I can relate to your situation (kind of).
Ex 1 - together only a few weeks, a lot older than me and looked it. Shorter than me, slimmer than me. I felt like a giant next to him frankly. BUT funny, kind, generous and still one of my best friends.
Ex 2 - Together a year. Very very very good looking (I’d fancied him at school, met back up in my 40s. Tall, muscular, fit. Vain, drained every ounce of my emotional energy with his ‘issues’, uses people, thinks he’s gods gift and his opinion overrules everyone else’s.

One of these 2 I haven’t spoken to in nearly 3 years. The other I speak to every week and always look forward to that.

What I’m saying is that love (in my opinion) is nothing to do with the classic perception of who is and who is not ‘good looking’. It’s not to do with height, weight etc. It’s so much more than that. My ex 2 had model looks but looking back, inside he was ugly. Your OH and you came back together because you love each other. He’s absolutely not thinking about sex with that woman so why should you. I know that’s easy for me to say but I hope it can help

[GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd]

Well, if you werent in a couple, you wouldnt be tormented by all these thoughts.

Being single is often much easier.

Do you have an anxious / insecure attachment style?
Check out brianna mcwilliams on youtube. Also alan robarge. They are both very good. I have listened to a lot of their clips and it helps to be more relaxed when you are in a relationship

[DuckingHeckers]

How so Goddess?

It's my perception of myself that's not bringing me happiness.

Not my wonderful, supportive husband

[GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd]

You would be happier single. This relationship isnt bringing you happiness.

[Tigersneeze]

*as in, the behaviour, not you as a person

[Tigersneeze]

ah sorry you said the behaviour is selfish - thats different of course.

[Tigersneeze]

@DuckingHeckers sure you are right. definitely look after your health.

but I just think fixing your weight and your depression all in one is a such a challenging undertaking that i would focus in my mental health first.

To overcome depression thats such a hard path, it's not easy. I spent pretty much a year lying on a sofa because i couldn't get up for depression. that was SO hard to get out of.

thats why i'm suggesting to tackle one thing after the other. there is no point to beat yourself up about your weight whilst you depend on pills that make you gain weight.

oh and you said you are selfish, again - such hard words.

[DuckingHeckers]

Tiger there's a difference between societies perception of over weight (a size 12 woman getting stick in a paper for example) and someone who is a size 22.

Im not only fat but I'm dangerously unhealthy.

Letting myself slowly die or diatebetes in the future or some other weight related illness is not rebellion. It's selfish.

I appreciate the sentiment and I don't want to be a size 8.

A 14 would be amazing.

But this, what I am now, is not how I want to live my life. Or have my kids think is acceptable. It really isn't.

I get out of breath climbing the stairs at 33 years old fgs.

[Tigersneeze]

@duckingheckers
be kind to yourself.

you are overweight - so what. thinness in woman is overrated anyway - it is our societies measurement of women's obedience.
thin-ness is a full time job, its so much effort. fuck it.

and funny - thinness it is expected of the 50% of humankind that has the biggest hormonal changes over their lifetime, builds entire human beings in their bodies.

just look at your weight as an act of revolution against bullshit expectations.

focus on getting on top of your depression. challenge your self believes. don't focus on your weight. that will come after you changed your self believes.

[DuckingHeckers]

Have ordered The Binge Code from Amazon. It has really good reviews

[DuckingHeckers]

6 stone :(

I'll check it out. Thanks

[letsjog]

Hi OP can I ask how much you want to loose?
I'm currently looking at about 2 stone which might be less or more than you so I know it might not be relatable but I've been watching the Pick Up Limes channel on YouTube.
I love Sadia and the way she talks about food and the relationship with food. It's been keeping me motivated and revising my approach to eating and I've even made a couple of her recipes (hello homemade Nutella!) and they're brilliant.

She talks about how there's no "bad" foods just "more often and less often" foods. You've had lots of advice on here so I didn't want to write an essay but I generally like some of the content on YouTube and thought I'd recommend something you might find useful for a bit of distraction and inspiration maybe.

[DuckingHeckers]

When primark opens I might get some leggings and tops, just so I have something to change into

[DuckingHeckers]

Yes. She was my girlfriend for 6 months.
They got along great.

It doesn't phase him. We've had plenty of in depth, soul baring discussions and not once has he ever brought up the fact it was a woman rather than a man.

I've always been openly bisexual. From 14 years old.

[Itwontrainallthetime]

I can relate to the putting on loads of weight due to medication and depression then not being the woman that I know my dh desires but is basically stuck with me. I have basically given up even if I did lose the weight I still would feel not good enough. I just have learned to live with it as well as my illness and side effects of the medication which is hard enough.
It's easy to tell someone who has a medical condition to just go and do excercise as it releases the feel good hormone. It's not as easy as that. Do slimming world , it costs a fortune. I've done weight watchers in the past and it did work but if my head isn't in the right place mentally then it just isn't going to work.
Its hard to feel motivated when we have so much on our plate all the time.
I'm sorry I have no answers for you as I'm struggling myself.
As for people telling you not to sit around in PJ's all the time you do you, I have taking to sitting round in leggings and comfy pants, because of my illness everything else I wear is just uncomfortable.
I know it's not much help but my husband has told me and someone else I confided in told me that my husband is with me because he loves me and he could of been with other woman etc he obviously doesn't mind you in your PJ's and has seen you at your worst and is still beside you. I find it hard to believe when I'm told this but deep down I know it's true and you know it's true, it just where our mind is at over takes the rational thoughts.
I know you said you slept with another person which wasn't a man.
Does your husband know this ? As I think despite us being split up if my dh slept with someone of the same sex , this would make me feel insecure because then I would think do they want the best of both worlds do they want a relationship more with a man / woman or me And even though you would reassure me that you want the relationship with me , I would have doubts about this. Just like you have doubts that your dh wants you instead of another woman who you think looks better than you.

I hope eventually you get to where you want to be and in a better place .

[Yecats1990]

Yes definitely unfollow the weight loss/fitness pages for some people they can be really inspirational but for others (like me) they just feed negative self image and since most photos are facetuned to within an inch of their existance it's just promoting an unrealistic goal.

I am Irish so a lot of Irish accounts but i really like the journalist Louise ONeill, Dj and author Louise McSharry, Lizzo (of course) and This Mama Doodles (she's an awesome artist and mum).
There are loads of others that might resonate more with you but just follow those who make you feel good and unfollow anyone who makes you feel inferior or less than.

[DuckingHeckers]

People can be bi and be happily married :)