I saw him in bed with someone else.

[DuckingHeckers]

My husband.
We broke up for 18 months and have got back together.
He saw someone a few times.

Once I went to his and saw them together.

I have really, really low self confidence. Have had kids. Am very, very overweight due to emotional eating and medication

She... well, was the complete opposite of me. Very slim, blonde, younger, no kids so no sagging or stretchmarks.

I find it hard when we have sex to relax. I keep seeing his hands on her tiny waist.

We've talked and he's reassured me but the image is there. Burned into my mind.

I've always felt like I'm not good enough. And now I think he's had a proper woman and he has to go back to me.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'll still have stretched out skin, sagging breasts, extreme overhang (not a cut pooch. A full apron of skin)

I just feel so shit.

I know not many people will have seen their husband with another woman so probably not asking for experiences but maybe a way to build my confidence? :(

[bluebell34567]

he got back with you, so he loves you. i dont think it is just for the kids.
with this in mind -and you can use it as a motivation- you can still try to lose weight.
lose the weight putting first yourself and your health.

[12345kbm]

OP your self esteem sounds very low. I really suggest you start doing counselling and take a pro active approach to feeling better.

Take a look at BACP or UKCP for a therapist.

You may find, that once your self esteem begins to rise, you find losing weight easier. We often push down our feelings through food, so processing those feelings can have a positive affect on weight loss.

Can you make an appointment with your GP to discuss your low mood (you sound a bit depressed) and weight loss. There may be free or low cost help available locally that you can use. Here's an NHS Mood Assessment that you could do then discuss with the doctor.

Also take a look at Overeaters Anonymous which has good reports. These are long term solutions which aren't focused on you losing weight but working out why you're overeating and finding helpful strategies to combat that. Overeaters Anonymous has online meetings.

[DuckingHeckers]

I've lost 5 lbs in the last fortnight. I am trying.

It's just overwhelming when it so much to lose.

Also part of me is scared about what my body will be like after I lose weight.

There's going to be a lot of skin if I do get there.

[DuckingHeckers]

Can't afford a therapist. GP doesn't give two figs. Have been many times about it.

[Icanflyhigh]

Hi OP your post really resonated with me and it sounds like you need some body confidence boosting.

First off, just because she had a tiny waist, that doesn't make her a proper woman - real women are all shapes and sizes. Having kids or not having kids also isnt part of being a real woman.

You sound like a very genuine lady who needs a huge confidence boost. You've lost 5lbs in a couple of weeks and that is amazing - especially considering current situation.

Have you spoke to your DH about how you feel? How is he with reassuring you etc, let's not forget he has chosen to be with you and not the tiny waisted one xx

Keep doing what you're doing, set yourself small goals and go for them.
If you desperately want to be slimmer, the key is to eat less/better and move around more. You can do this.
I lost almost 2st through hula hopping in my back garden - I don't do the gym, so maybe give it a go.

Be kind to yourself xx

[searchaway]

If she’s so perfect then why aren’t they still together? He picked you for a reason. You’re his person. You both slept with other people but you’re drawn back together. You must have more about you than just skin right? Tell me your good points? I bet you make him laugh. You need to boost your self confidence. Do you work out as well as diet? What exercise do you do?

[12345kbm]

OP, if you're going to the GP about low mood and weight loss and your GP 'doesn't give two figs' then I suggest you change your GP and find one that does.

There is free counselling available at Mind and you can self refer here. There may be other support available that your new GP who gives a fig, can tell you about. You can also do a Google search for help in your area try: 'Free low cost counselling (put in the place you live)' and see what comes up.

I've already posted free resources such as overeaters anonymous and weight loss help above. That's what I mean by proactive. Finding support for yourself and acting on the information given. You have a choice here, continue as you are or do something to help yourself. There's no magic wand.

[WitchesCauldron]

You're being far too hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Firstly try and address the reasons why you have an issue with your weight? Also (not easy at the mo) try and get some counselling if you can and work on your self esteem. Torturing yourself over and over will not change anything. If nothing else your insecurities will end up being an issue between you and your husband. Most blokes are just happy to be naked and in bed with a woman and aren't examining every curve and stretch mark. Your body has birthed children- a wonderful thing ! Seriously you sound so depressed. Try and get some control over your eating, once you feel a bit more in charge and see some results you will feel a bit better about yourself. And stop overthinking. It solves NOTHING ! PS I'm a big girl with a slim athletic husband- he has known me all sizes between 8-22. Yes, I've wondered whether he ever thinks about slimmer girls, but I don't give that headspace. I think you having seen him with someone is what is so hard. Maybe you could both go to counselling and try and put this behind you both ?

[VenusTiger]

You barely get out of your pjs? OP, would you find your DH attractive if he wore his pjs all the time? Try and work on your self image, how you carry yourself, your positivity, maybe speak to a GP incase you're feeling depressed and know that, fancying a celebrity who looks nothing like your partner is okay. If you want some more attention from him, give him something to look at - try and turn this around, you're together, you have a family, you are a team, good luck with losing the weight, but don't let it stop you from getting out of those pjs and into something that makes you feel good inside. Confidence is sexy, it really is!

[DuckingHeckers]

I have depression. That's why I'm in my pj's. I'm on a mix of medications that have driven my weight up but I can't stop taking them as I spiral

I don't own anything nice. I have leggings and oversized tshirts. I don't have the money to buy anything nice. And don't want to at this size as I'm trying to get smaller. Would be a waste of money I don't have

[DuckingHeckers]

I do fancy him in his pj's. Men in joggers and no top look gorgeous

Men aren't expected to dress up are they?

[VenusTiger]

I meant the reason for not getting out of your pjs not the comfort side of things. I think you need to see a completely different gp to normal- even a different surgery if possible - you could have a telephone appointment and discuss your meds OP, they shouldn't be effecting your weight like this, it's counterproductive to your moods and hormone production surely? Don't take no for an answer OP, this is about you, so put your feelings about this slim woman aside, park it and deal with it another time, concentrate on you right now, first job is to get dressed tomorrow and call the gp - once you've taken these small but important steps, you will start to feel better - new meds/less meds - exercise, exercise, exercise (can't be said enough for depression, trust me here) is amazing for happy hormones release and will give you more energy and the will to succeed.

[crustycrab]

Men should make just as much effort as women. If I caught OH lounging around in joggers and no top all day he'd get told.

Small steps and keep them up every day and you'll get there. Get up, showered, dressed and go from there

[browzingss]

What did you see? If I’ve understood correctly, I think it would be hard for anyone that has seen their husband having sex with someone else, regardless of you being separated. It’s certainly would be a difficult image to get out of your head.

You have to remember that he chose you though. Men can be with the most perfect woman and still leave, so regardless of her being pretty, he still chose to be with you and continue to be intimate with you etc so your body obviously isn’t an issue for him.

[1forAll74]

Well time to start thinking about yourself in a more positive way now. Firstly,you are a Mum,and that's an achievement. Your weight problem can be tackled over a period of time, by eating less,as in smaller portions of healthy food. You just need a new mindset about food, and some kind of goal to work towards..

But mostly, try and erase all those thoughts from your mind, the ones about this slim blonde woman, dwelling on this is not good for you, and she is not important to you.

[Guylan]

Regarding medication and weight gain, I empathise. I am on medication that massively increases my appetite and eating less is really really hard when you are hungry so often. I eat healthy but hard to manage the appetite. The emotional eating is something you can try and address, not easy, but not impossible. Exercise will help of course.

As others have said he chose you. My mum became overweight, my dad remained slim, my dad didn’t love my mum any less. He loved her very much until the day he died.

[HelloBolloxMyOldFriend]

It's just overwhelming when it so much to lose.

It is, I agree. But then one day, you notice a change in your body. You think, wait, my thighs look smaller from the jogging and squats. Cool! Then a week or two later, you notice another change. My torso is not as large, awesome! These are my recent changes, so I am just giving examples :)

Those changes and the weight loss journey I have been on has all added up to a me who now feels more comfortable in her own skin. That's amazing and I feel better, as I had been depressed for a few years! And you've lost 5 lbs, that's incredible! The more you lose, the better you will feel about your body. You'll feel sexy and confident. It won't happen overnight and at times it feels useless but keep at it day by day, it DOES all add up to good things and changes you will see and smile at :)

[Justgivemewine]

Look up Talking therapies, you can self refer, no need to go to the gp. It sounds like the biggest problem here is your self esteem.

Like other people said, he is with you, not her. That speaks volumes.

[TheCatInAHat]

Can you exercise safely? If the GP gives you the green light, buy a sports bra and a pair of trainers and start. Try couch to 5k or a beginners HIIT session on YouTube and don’t be disheartened if it takes a while to be able to complete it, pause it and get your breath back and keep going.
It’ll do wonders for your mental and physical health.

[Jojo19834]

Why do people post when they haven’t even taken time to read the OP. The first few posts were completely inappropriate as he hadn’t cheated, that was clear. Please read before you try and advise someone as it’s really unhelpful and pointless otherwise

[missperegrinespeculiar]

You don't have to change or beautify yourself for anybody OP, you are a person, not an ornament.

Your DH actually sound like a nice guy, who is attracted to more than superficial, stereotypical skin deep beauty, that's good, that's the kind of guy you want, because all of us will have low periods in our lives when we don't look our best or don't have the energy to get out of PJs, and somebody who loves you should not stop doing so because of that.

As for how you are feeling, your GP sounds useless, but I am not surprised, overweight people, and women in particular, are often dismissed and patronised by health care professionals, who are not free from society's prejudices! You are right, some people are not kind to you if you are overweight and will harbour all sorts of idiotic ideas about you. But you know what? they are wrong and cruel to boot!

One thing I would suggest is to look up intermittent fasting, it's a great way to lose weight and it also helps with loose skin, look up Dr Fung online, he has a couple of really good books and there are free resources available (like a Facebook support group). But it is best to find a health professional that can advice you and support you in this.

Exercise is also very good for your health and mood, if you can try a bit, I known it must be hard if you are depressed. Good luck!

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

What he did is irrelevant, it is how it's made you feel that's the issue. OP, it doesn't sound like you will ever get over it. So my advice would be to move on. Leave him, join a slimming club, and get a whole new life for yourself.

[Ploughingthrough]

Aw sorry to read this op because you obviously feel pretty shit. I have been married for ages but I made the mistake of online stalking my husband's ex girlfriend once. She was blond, tall, super clever (oxbridge) from a really wealthy background, had this really fancy business job. I am from an average background, dark, average height, you get it. It took me years to stop comparing and thinking he'd rather be with someone like her. Comparison is most certainly the thief of joy.

The reality is he has chosen you and your marriage - he loves you for more than your body - he loves you for you and respects you for being a mum to his children. I've got white stretch marks on the bottom of my stomach and I hate them - my DH loves them, reminds him of when our children were growing in there and he doesn't find them unattractive at all. He even says that he likes my ever increasing grey hairs...!I am not perfect at all but I know he loves me - we are both getting older! Weight loss might help you feel better about yourself but it sounds like you have made a start. It is overwhelming but losing weight slowly and steadily is a good thing.

[Imstillskanking]

How is he a cheat. Did anyone actually read what I wrote?

I can assure that there will be plenty of people who post in this thread who will not have properly read what you wrote. That's how it goes

Anyway, my heart goes out to you OP because this situation sounds really tough. I don't know if I would ever be able to get an image like that out of my head. You need to be able to honestly say that you are over that in order to make this work. That may or may not be possible, I don't know. You cannot spend your life comparing yourself to someone else. It will break you.

FWIW, I'm slim and athletic and my husband is fat. No one else I have ever slept with has been fat. Most of them were big muscley men. But I fancy the absolute pants off my husband. He's gorgeous and I love him. I would never be tempted away by someone slimmer. So he may well be being truthful when he says he fancies you.

[LoKiMummy]

I’m not sure you’ll be able to get over it from what you’re saying. Honestly I’d move on from the relationship