But we took you to Stately Homes - May 2020 onwards thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's May 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thanks. It is very complicated right now. Not least because we haven't told the children yet - dd1's birthday is today and we didn't want to spoil it for her. We are telling them at the weekend.

I haven't shed a tear yet. I suspect that will come as I face the reality that our fractured relationship will never be repeated. Not that I expected it to, as dh and I had discussed before. But that is what I shall be grieving rather than the loss of the person.

And I think in part because of being nc for so long, I have already grieved the loss of the person, even though it was my choice.

But onwards and upwards. I still have my dysfunctional sister and father to deal with. They don't appear to be going anywhere soon! Surprising really. I always though father would be the first to go as he's rubbish and managing himself these days, even though he did manage perfectly well to take care of me as a child while mother was often in hospital with my sister.

@xSadDaughter it’s understandable that you feel responsible for others, it’s what you’ve been taught. Rescue yourself first, set your life in its path. Maybe the rest of the family will change their course too, but your DM hasn’t helped you up till now. Your Dad is a bully, it’s not your job to keep the peace.

mini

I haven't got any words today. I am barely functioning.

It's good to read the posts here though. Thank you @Fanthorpe especially for offering support here.

Thank you @LivingThatLockdownLife, it actually helps me to think through what others are facing and draft my response, I get clarity and it puts my situation into perspective. It’s a year since my family ‘broke down’ and I’m having vivid dreams about finding old things in cupboards, losing my way around a house I’ve moved into, and crumbling cliffs. This forum just keeps me in touch with my need to move forward, not pay too much attention to that longing to fix the things that can never be mended and concentrate on those that can.

Bad days are hellish, concentrate on the next five minutes, or try and find something that absorbs you so your mind doesn’t free-range. Warm regards to you.

Thank you @Fanthorpe - means a lot.

Agree completely about moving forward. The past is a sad story we don't have to keep telling ourselves. I'm on the next 5 mins for sure!

Hi. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone doing? I’m not doing to great today. My ds who is autistic has been very anxious and has lashed out at me, thrown things, swore at me etc. I find It so hard to cope with his aggressive behaviour as it triggers me and takes me back to when I was hit as a child. I’ve always tried to teach my ds that we don’t hurt other people but when he’s in full on meltdown mode that goes out the window. I’d never accept my dh being violent towards me yet I have to accept my ds being like this. Tried to get support from professionals but day to day it’s just me and my dh trying to cope.

@Porcelin sorry to hear. Maybe try the SEN board for strategies?

I just feel guilty for leaving my DM and my siblings in that environment
Or how about you reframe this, you're not leaving them you are showing them that there is a pathway out, it is possible to have a life separate from the situation that they are.
If you leave it shows them that leaving is a thing... a thing that they could do too!

Thanks for the thoughts. Last night, in the middle of the night, I broke down and cried for a long time. I was so damn angry. I have been made out to be the bad guy over the rift. Everyone seems to know about it although only that we haven't spoken in 3 years, not the challenging 7 years or more which went before it. I'm not surprised. To be fair, I have acknowledged and apologised for my wrong doings but wouldn't let my parents and sister ignore theirs, which is why we ended up going NC. I didn't see why I should always be the one to apologise and them to expect their part to be brushed under the carpet.

Father will be in touch again when he has more information about the funeral. One of Mum's sister's has emailed me as well. I've not yet emailed back, I know she means well as she has been on the receiving end of mother herself and was ostracised for a huge chunk of our childhood. It was a lovely email and a lovely connection that I had forgotten about with everthing that happened with my parents - I walked away from everyone as they have a habit of getting involved too much with each other and couldn't face the flying monkeys.

Mini I just saw your news. I'm so sorry. Look after yourself - as you say, it's at these moments that you have to grieve not only the person but also the hope that there would once be a decent relationship, and that is hard.

Just realised I had a name change fail, sorry - I'm toomuchtooold.

@minisoksmakehardwork I hope you are ok, this must be such a difficult time for you.

I'm having a bad day today. M had a nasty accident yesterday and is quite badly injured.

I'm staying NC but the guilt is pretty awful.

I've given up drinking and cleaned up my diet and today is the first time in a month I want to drink wine and eat cake.

Just feel sad and empty and alone.

Not helped by DH saying he supported my choice to go NC because of my history, but that it wouldn't be what he would do.

I know logically what he's trying to say, but still feel judged somehow.

Ah Ballet that’s really difficult. It’s hard to shake the horrendous guilt anyway without someone you trust throwing doubt on your decision. I’m wondering if your DH has supportive parents?

I read a good article yesterday called ‘Why Don’t You Defend Yourself’ about why some people find it difficult to stand up for themselves when they come under verbal attack. It suggested that if You were brought up hearing largely negative comments about yourself it becomes your inner voice, so when you hear them when you’re an adult it just reinforces what you already think about yourself. You might objectively know that the person is attacking you unfairly but because that voice is there you absorb the abuse.

It’s why we need strong boundaries and development of self esteem. The inner saboteur needs to be shut down.

Sending love and hugs to everyone on here. I’ve been watching this thread for a while now and I have taken great strength from it. @SometimesIwish, there will be many people like me on here taking silent support from people like you who are brave enough to share their stories and the people who are vocal in their support. After realising, through this thread, my status as the family scapegoat I put my first boundary in place just after new year. A small one, saying that I didn’t want to carry on paying DM’s phone bill (DM has no financial issues it was just expected that I do things like this). This unleashed a huge vitriolic attack from ‘D’S saying some utterly vile, unfounded things. ‘D’M has not once been in touch since. Whilst I’m at peace mostly with this now the knowledge that she would happily go everyday and not even check if I was ok given the Corona situation and the fact that my job is at the very sharp edge is sobering. I mean, I suspected that my role was to be the surrogate parent and whipping boy but to be so cold shouldered at the first sign of putting a small boundary in place, even if part of me expected it, still stings. Reading this thread has been like holding a mirror up to my childhood and family dynamic, even some of the stories have mirrored mine. The pp who spoke of having the cats bum face at her wedding dress only for the Golden Child sibling to them wear it was the same for me (only as a size 10 I was told i was too fat for it). I kept it as a dress for my honeymoon and looking back on those photos, it looked lovely. Anyway, thank you to everyone on the thread that have helped me not only realise the situation but do something about it, even if it has left a hollow feeling. Hugs to everyone

hi,
I have been reading bits of this thread as I am trying to make sense of my relationship with my DM. I am nearly 40, live in a different country, mother myself and very much struggle with her. I have thought several times of cutting her out of my life, but never found the courage to do it. Also my DC is very fond of her and the pandemic has led to more contact between us.

I am grappling to understand whether she was abusive or just negligent or whether she was young and didn't know better. I have listed some experiences from my childhood and would like to hear what your thoughts and views are.

-my mother was very young when I was born, told me repeatedly that she couldn't go to university because of me and when I was younger also advised me never to have children

-as a child I felt unloved by her, I remember craving physical contact and wishing she would touch me. She showed no interest in my life: in the mornings she had a lie in and wouldn't have breakfast with me, when I came home from school she had already eaten lunch and I always ate alone. The food was cold when I came home, nobody warmed it up (didn;t have a microwave back then). She didn't come to PTA's when I was a teenager, never attended anything like gymnastics show or a school event.

-I have no memory of her playing with me (maybe she did though but I can't ever remember it), she never baked or cooked with me, I left for uni and couldn't even make pasta. She never made things with me or painted or did anything that you would consider engaging with a child in a meaningful way.

-she had no interest in what I was reading, I read inappropriate adult books when I was very young. some of those books were hers, some I got from the library.

-she had no interest in school, homework, how I was doing, issues with friends, teachers etc. She went on holidays during my A levels, which really upset me at the time.
-she used to make jokes in front of my friends about me, tell embarrassing stories about me.

-she is extremely generous: buys me lots of things and clothes (still), buys DC an extraordinary amount of clothes and toys. Doesn't listen when I say DC doesn't need more clothes for example. All her love I get through things like clothes and sometimes she gives me money.
I don't always like the things she buys me but she buys me so much I feel bad for giving it away.

-is very critical of my clothes, tells me things like I dress old fashioned, my hair colour was too dark for 10 years, I would be prettier if I lost weight

-bought me diet pills when i was 16
-as a child I had fantasies of running away from home

-likes retelling stories that make me look weak, hormonal, dramatic, makes fun of how tired I looked after giving birth and that I was hormonal

-when I told her I was sexually abused, she took me to a gyno to check if I was still a virgin (I was 11 and she didn't even tell me beforehand what was happening or ask me directly)

-moved her DP into the house when I was 14 and I had met him briefly twice
-she hit me two years ago (already an adult) in front of my DC, never apologised for it

for background, my DF died when I was 13 so she was the main parent/carer from then on. I was very close to DF, who played with me, had meals with me, took an interest in school work and home work. These are just the things on top of my head, there are tons more...
I tried to tell her once that she was emotionally unavailable for me when I needed her, she cried and said her life was bad, I lived too far away, her relationship is bad, she was lonely. in conclusion made it all about her and also blamed me for living in a different country.

how can I get over all this and any other suggestions/recommendations?
So many of these things never even seemed so bad to me until I had a DC myself.I get extremely agitated when I see her playing with my DC or stroking her, as I didn;t have this as a child. She is also VERY involved in her godchildren's lives, goes to their concerts (and sends me videos), helps with homework, goes on holidays with them... they are both teenagers and I feel like she is doing more with them than she ever did with me.

Hi all

I'm new to this series of threads though I've been aware of them for a while.

I think the last few months have been a bit eye opening for me and my need to step back from the parents, but how to do that is more difficult, especially as I seem to keep going back to make more effort, if that makes sense.

My parents had me when they were late teenagers. I was not planned, and neither was my younger brother. They divorced when I was 5.

Throughout my childhood it was always apparent that whilst they loved us children, we were never a priority and their needs always came first. Mum had a string of boyfriends after the divorce and Dad remarried. We ended up living with Dad and his new wife who was emotionally abusive. She left and was quickly replaced by another wife (he started seeing her after six weeks).

My Dad was never really interested in us unless we did anything wrong, then he would rant and rave for hours. We saw my Mum fairly regularly. She was always critical of me, including of my appearance.

I could never talk about my feelings with either parent. Any attempt to do so would result in being labelled as a drama queen.

I went to uni at 18 and it was made clear to me that I was on my own from that point. On the one hand I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn independence, but it hurt seeing care packages arrive for other students and seeing parents pick their kids up for the holidays.

Both parents continued to find fault in my 20s but my Dad started to mellow out significantly. I was diagnosed with depression but was told to pull myself together.

In my 30s I had my children, and initially this bought us all closer together, but as years have passed I have become even more aware that I will NEVER be a priority for my parents, particularly my Mum. Any time I have tried to discuss any concerns I might have about the kids to seek advice i have been dismissed. I now live some distance away and visits are very much one way, despite all parties being healthy and quite capable of driving.

This became particularly apparent at Christmas when my mum refused to visit me and the kids at a holiday cottage I was staying at, despite her driving within 10 miles of it to go elsewhere on Christmas Eve. Instead, she wanted me to drive 40 miles to her on the day before, the day after we had driven 400 miles from the in-laws late into the evening.

This made me start to think about our relationship and I realised that most contact was initiated by me, so I stopped contacting her after Christmas and it took her six weeks to get in touch.

During lockdown she has not initiated any contact, it's all been done by me..

Until tonight when she messaged to ask me if my youngest child had gone back to school.

I explained that she would be (phased return) and this resulted in an argument because she disagrees with my choice. Her last message to me stated that I should respect her opinion... An opinion I did not ask for.

Anyway, I feel that all my life I have tried to play the dutiful daughter, putting in all the hard work and getting nothing in return. How do I step back from what feels like a very ingrained behaviour?

sorry just realized my post is very long! Thanks for reading

@AdriannaP - your mums definitely sound like a toxic parent.

In my experience toxic people can be generous because it takes little emotional energy... plus there are usually strings attached.

Regarding how she interacts with your kids - it's easier to be interested in someone when you don't see them much.

Are you children quite young? Young children tend to shower interested grown ups with adoration - something toxic parents love. As they grow up and become more reserved the good behaviour lessons.

@TossACoinToYourWitcher - you also sound like you could use this thread.

As for limiting contact, just stop engaging. Stop contacting them like you did at Christmas. If they query it, just breezily say sorry and you e been so busy! X

AdriannaP

Your mother is very much the definition of both a toxic and abusive parent only thinking of her own self and needs. I am so sorry you went through all that as a child and are still dealing with her toxic fallout as an adult. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either.

Deal with your feelings of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through therapy; its likely to be a combination of all three and more besides which is preventing you from ceasing all contact with her. You likely moved countries as well also to get away from her, you have physical distance now but you need mental distance as well from her. She will merely continue to denigrate and otherwise try and manipulate your kids further otherwise.

A good rule of thumb is if a relative is too toxic for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your kids too. They will all too clearly see how their nan acts around you as their mother, it does them no favours seeing you this disrespected and otherwise trodden on and ignored. She hit you in front of them as well, that would have had an effect on them too. I am not at all surprised she did not apologise; such toxic and disordered of thinking people like this never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Gifts too should come with ribbons, not strings. There are strings attached to all this from her. She is manipulating your kids here further by buying them tons of stuff and buying their affections. In turn she is trying in turn to steal their hearts and minds, she is actively trying to undermine you here by doing that. I would urge you to start thinking about further lowering all contact levels to a point of zero as well as looking at your own boundaries here with regards to your mother.

TossACoinToYourWitcher

Its not your fault your parents are the ways they are and you did not make them that way (their own families did that to them). They have merely used you and continue to use you as the scapegoat for all their inherent ills and failings. BTW what if anything do you know about their family background and or childhoods, that often gives clues.

Again read about fear, obligation and guilt as it is these three things that also keeps you wanting to keep on trying with your mother.
Like many adult children of such toxic people you perhaps still want their approval, particularly that of your mother, and hope that he and she will somehow give this. You need to let go of all and any hopes now that this will ever happen, it will not and keeping on chasing that will only further harm you. Let it go and keep your parents also well away from your children. If your parents are too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, its really the same deal for your kids too.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Boundaries help us set clear expectations and limits for how others can treat us. Boundaries create emotional and physical space between you and your parents. This is probably something you didn’t have as a child, so it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries and start telling your parents how you want to be treated. Toxic people resist boundaries; they want to be in control. Setting boundaries with toxic people is difficult because they don’t respect limits, but don’t let that deter you. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. Remember, it’s okay to limit contact with your parents, tell them no, come late or leave early. It’s even okay to have no contact with your parents. You don’t owe them anything! Relationships need to be built on respect and you can’t respect people who continually treat you poorly.

I’ve been dipping my toes in and out of this thread for ages now.

I don’t think my mother is abusive or at lest not directly, just overbearing. It’s definitely toxic to say the least. Can I have a rant?

She constantly asks for so much off people with a sense of entitlement that you her owe what she needs. She does not work. This was partly due to mental illness years ago but for the past few years she’s been making excuses not to. She will often, often!!! Play the victim. It’s like making up this victim scenario is what gets her by in life.

She asks me a lot for money. Every week maybe. She lives with her son who is a few years younger than me who also is also entitled. He lives like a child in her home and rinses her. Will not cook for himself etc. He’s 25. He’s had so many job losses over his attitude not getting his own way at work I’ve lost count. At the moment he’s managed to keep one for the first 2 years of his life. He earns more than me. But for some reason barely pays anything towards her rent and he blows the rest on himself. If you need an idea of how much money He spends, over the past two years he Must be on to his fourth or fifth sports car. He will buy these, spend thousand on the insurance, pull them apart, kit them up, reckless drive, write them off, buy another outright in cash. Rinse and repeat. My mum is constantly asking for ‘scraps of coffee’ she is that skint. I’m here working full time but having to feed my DD and run my home. Before I met my partner I had no savings at the end of the month as my income was stretched. She will not ask him for money because ‘He is only a baby’ and ‘but he works so hard for it’ or ‘but he has just bought another car so he doesn’t have any’ and instead expects me to fund her instead.

If I say no to her, she will make me feel so bad that I either give in, or she will send me nasty passive aggressive messages. I have called her outright once after she had me in tears for going on a night away with my partner to the theatre after refusing her a 100 loan. The night had been planned for 2 months and I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had loaned her.

She’s constantly asking for favours. Constantly. During lockdown it was ‘will you go to the shop for me’ or if you are ‘passing can you drop a scrap of washing powder off...’ (knowing full well i will just buy her a box, and if I say no, she will make me feel bad because it’s “only a scrap” of washing powder). Will you nip here for me. She knows I’m self isolating. She messages me every day with these demands. I live 20 minutes away from her. I am working from home full time. I am homeschooling. She knows I can not run my daughter around here there and everywhere in the current conditions. Her son is furloughed at the moment but is ‘ Too busy working on his car’. She lives A 2 minute walk from the shop. She has no commitments.

She used to do this when I was working 2 hours away. I would leave the house for 6, get to work for 8, not Return home until 7 most nights. She would ask me to do a full shop for her on the way home from work, maybe twice a week, when I was knackered and all I wanted was to get home, get showered, put the washing on and eat. With the money she borrowed off me. She could have easily been shopping in that time I was working. If I said no she made me Feel bad because I was ‘passing the supermarket anyway’. She has often bitched about me to
her sister making me look like the ungrateful daughter. If I ignore her messages about favours, she will sent passive aggressive messages like ‘oh its fine I’ll just starve then’ or ‘I’ll hide from the bailiffs I’m sure they won’t find me’.

I confronted her after the theatre incident. She denied it all. And then it settled for a bit about the money, she never asked until Christmas came when she ended up getting a loan for a lavish Christmas of food and gifts, knowing she couldn’t afford repayments and would could just ask me to pay it back.

Yesterday she asked me to loan 40 for council tax as she was in trouble. I asked her how much she owed. She said 80 but she planned to pay a bit and then pay more when she could. I told her it might be better to ring them up and ask them to make a payment plan and put a few quid extra on her bill over the year to spread the cost, rather than borrowing off people and wondering where she will scrape the money up to pay people back. She said she will thInk about it. I gave her a perfect solution To her problem but she messaged back and said ‘I’ve thought about it and decided to pay the 40 now instead’. Meaning of my money. She had a solution for her issue and she decided It was my responsibility to pay it.

I don’t mind helping her out here and there but by doing so I am feeding in to my brothers lifestyle and their ridiculous head in the sand attitude to responsibility over their lives. I’m so very fed up. She’s been like this as long as I can remember and I just needed to write it all down.

Another thing to add to that too, she never asks about me, how I am, how my day is going. She has my graduate degree up on her wall. She doesn’t have a clue what I graduated in. If I asked her what I did for a living she wouldn’t be able to answer she hasn’t got a clue.