Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

You’ve had some terrible advice here from women who are obviously terrified their partners will cheat. Absolutely do not tell your husband. It will only harm your relationship and make him think of you differently.
The guilt you have felt for years is penance for your wrongdoing. The man owed his partner his loyalty and respect, she should be focusing on his actions.

Sorry I meant - no face on the photo. How can she prove it's you?

I was cheated on and while I detested the other woman, I'd never have called her a cunt to her face or kept trying to contact her after she blocked me on multiple platforms.
There's hurt and furious, and then there's abusive. This is the latter.
I do suggest messaging her though as you don't know what she might do with the images and others have said, she might think its still going on.
I think itsnotcakeitsbaby's suggestion for a message covered it perfectly:
I don't know who you are but I am assuming you are referring to (old boss's name). I do not have anything to do with him any more and you should raise any issues you have with him. In any case, you clearly have explicit photographs that you should not have. It is illegal to share or distribute these photographs. If you do so I will contact the police. I will not be answering the phone or engaging with you further. If you continue to harass me I will contact the police.

Absolutely do not tell your husband. It will only harm your relationship and make him think of you differently.

And what if this woman contacts him and tells him? Then op will have received him and covered something up. If I were him, I would not be bothered about the pictures etc that happened before I met them but I would be devastated by the lies and covering up now.

I think not telling her dh is a dangerous path to take.

Well She sounds erm dramatic. Would have thought she would have just had it out with him regarding what she has found.

Just don't answer the calls & keep hanging up, she will get tired of calling, but unfortunately I don't think there is any way to prevent/block a withheld number calling.

I agree with @SlightyJaded

The blame lies with him being a cheat, however you need to take some responsibility for your part in the relationship. As others have said it may be in the past for you, but she might of just found all this out and deserves some questions answered. Think how you would feel if you were in this situation with your dh? Would you want to know the other woman’s side of it?
Also you should definitely tell your dh. This happened before you met him and should be able to confide in him, imagine if he found out you’ve been keeping all this from him, he would wonder why you never told him and what else you might be hiding. Nip this in the bud especially since your just away to have your new baby.

@wheretonow123

I am not sure whether threatening legal action will get you too far.

I mean, it will, because there are laws about revenge porn.

I wouldn't engage with someone who called you such shit.

Just change your number & move on from it.

If she wanted answers & a conversation about what happened she shouldn't have spoken to you like that! She just wants to abuse you OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras she knew what she was doing though she was definitely naive or she wouldn't be in this situation. She made no vows to the partner. He could have stopped it any time he wanted. He didn't want. He is the one to blame. The wife is screaming at the wrong person.

Block her number and do not engage. Lock down Social Media

TorkTorkBam

He's to blame for cheating on his wife but op is to blame for her shitty behaviour towards another person.

You knew this guy was in a relationship, so I think you do owe his partner an apology and an explanation. Imagine how you would feel if you found similar photos on your current partner's phone. Let her vent her rage at you and don't make excuses. I think you will both feel better for it.

It was a selfish stupid thing to do but you are right i didn't break any vows or laws

I so hate when people try and get off on a technicality.

Personally....
I would send one message to her. Say it was a terrible mistake,there was nothing physical, and you are deeply sorry for it. However, be clear that revenge porn is against the law, and if she contacts you again,you will go to the police. Then block on everything.

And yes, you should tell your husband. Yes it was before you met,but the likelihood is that the truth will come out, and how do you want him to find out?
Are you really going to want to deal with explaining this to him with a newborn baby?

Husband needs to know.

I would do what @JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown said. Make it clear it was X years ago, photos must be deleted and she should not contact you again.

I am actually amazed and saddened by the responses on here.

This is NEW news to the wife. Presumably she has just found the pictures and has no idea if the relationship was physical/short/long/over/still ongoing etc. Of course she is upset and of course she needs answers.

Maybe she doesn't believe her snake of a DH and needs to check it's not over. Maybe she is being abusive and rude (not ok, but understandable). All these people saying "block her, she's harassing you' and 'call the police' are not showing any compassion to someone who has just discovered that their partner has cheated, and has no idea on what scale.

I stand by my previous advice. One email to answer her questions from an email account that you can delete afterwards. And then you never have contact again. IF she continues to bombard you after you've answered her questions, then fine - it's harassment, but right now it's a cheated on wife needing answers. FFS - you need to take some responsibility.

@SlightyJaded did you miss the part where the man's partner (the woman texting OP calling her a cunt) also met HIM when he was married, and had an affair with him?

OP- I'm shocked at the number of people advising you to keep this all a secret from your DH. What state must their marriages be in if they think that's good advice?!!
Please treat your DH as the friend and partner he is and share this awful and shocking experience you've had today with him. He loves you and will value your honesty and want to support you. It's how a healthy marriage works. If it was the other way round how would you feel if he was bottling all this up and keeping a secret from you out of shame? Would you be disgusted and want to leave him or would you feel sorry that someone was harassing him and want to be there to comfort and support him?

Youve long since admitted that your actions 5 years ago were inappropriate and you have committed yourself to moving on and not behaving similarly again. You don't deserve another shaming on this thread.

With respect to the woman, block her and move on. As long as your husband knows, then there's nothing much she can do inside the boundaries of the law to inflict any further stress. (Obviously if things escalate then mention revenge porn and the police).

Good luck

If she had contacted op in a civil manner then maybe engage with her, but engaging with someone who's first move is extreme verbal abuse?
This is a loose cannon/batshit/bad news person
dont go there

You were daft but we've all done silly things. You've admitted you were selfish and wrong. You've clearly changed and have a new life now.

Remember though she has probably just discovered this and it's very much part of her present even though it's in your past. I would unblock her to send one message explaining how it was a terrible mistake, nothing else happened and you're very sorry but you've moved on now. Maybe that's the reassurance she needs. If she continues to abuse you then by all means block. But I think you'll sleep better having apologised and explained yourself.

It's not really anything to do with your partner, it's in your past. And if she contacts him which is unlikely then just tell him that.

My husband doesn’t know my full relationship history. And I don’t really know his either, just vaguely who he’s been in a long term relationship with, certainly not every nook and cranny in his past,
so on the one hand it’s nothing to do with your husband,

On the other hand, the woman sounds like she’s terrifically and understandably upset her partner has these images and probably has no idea how recent they are, so you can either contact her and suggests she demands her partner to delete them, and the tone of your contact could be helpfully apologetic that she’s come across them, because although she had no right to be so vicious to you, she is upset, and that’s what’s prompted her contact.

If you go in all guns blazing telling her off for swearing at you and threatening police and harassment, she’ll use it as a green flag to attack you further, and that will probably involve tracking down your husband.

But if she’s just genuinely upset as she thought her partner had received your images recently/currently, you can talk her down gently, and diffuse the whole situation.

If you tell your husband, bear in mind his perception of you may change if he knows you were involved in image and video exchange, even if it was back in your ‘youth’.

She’s just going to scream abuse at you so don’t bother answering. I’d text saying if she keeps harassing you that you will contact the police.

As for apologising or trying to explain yourself? I wouldn’t bother. It won’t help.

Once she calms down hopefully she’ll leave you alone. If not you’ll have to change your number.

@Annamaria14

Nope. Didn't miss it. But we only have the snake's word that she cheated also.

And yes I agreed that name-calling isn't on. But she's angry because she just discovered that her H has cheated on her. Everyone is so quick to judge her but in this scenario, she hasn't really done anything wrong. She might be fucking horrible for all I know. She might harass OP in the future. BUT right now, in OPs shoes, my instinct would be that the right thing is to at least offer answers to her questions. Not because she may or may not be nice, but because that's the least I could do after behaving so badly. And I would want answers in her shoes. It's showing some compassion when you are part of the reason for her upset.

I knew the 'karma spouters' would be on this thread. Ridiculous and utterly moronic.

OP, you owe this woman nothing, she's contacted you unsolicited, if she does it again then shut her down and tell her that the next step will be the police and she can explain the harassment to them. I agree with AnyFucker about locking down your social media.

I agree with MorrisZapp about everything else.

You don't need this, you're 38 weeks pregnant and you need to be focused on your baby and your husband. This woman's husband can and should be taking the brunt of his wife's ire, not you and he can apologise to her. Don't allow her to contact or intimidate you again, for your sake.

When a stranger gets in touch to call you a cunt, you don't have to hear them out.

Good advice in general, not just for this situation.