Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

@SlightyJaded yes I can also understand her swearing at the woman.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but there is no way I’d send a man sexy or unclothed pictures of myself. They won’t delete them.
It really is the stupidest thIng to do.

I am not going to comment because so many posters have already said what I would have said.

This thread clearly demonstrates why it is never a good idea to send or store compromising photos/videos. Any digital phot or video is there for perpuity, and can be retrieved by anyone with the technical knowhow. How do you think the police manage to retrieve dodgy content that has been deleted from computers?

We need to keep educating our young people about this.

How useful that is, after the fact, Freephone.

I would have answered OP. If she tries to contact you again, I would speak to her. And be truthful. It cannot be any worse than what is going through her head anyway

I would also add that you will be going to the police if she doesn't stop trying to contact you after that one conversation though

FHS @freephone I'm sure you've never made any mistakes in your life

This thread is about the OP's request for advice about what to do NEXT. Not judgement on her past actions which she's already owned responsibility for.

I would have one conversation, answer the questions if you can and make it clear any future contact will be reported as harassment.

I agree about telling your husband, at least you don’t have to worry about him finding out another way. Then put it out of your mind - we all make mistakes and you’ve plenty other things to be thinking about right now I’m sure!

I would definitely tell your DH, especially as if this woman is on the warpath and already found you on LinkedIn, she will likely get in touch with your husband so you need to be honest with him now. He loves you, I'm sure he'll just want to protect you and as long as you're honest with him you can tackle this like a team.

Obviously her 'D'H is a shitbag and the guiltiest party.

But I am mystified by the MN received wisdom that the OW in an affair is morally squeaky clean. Sending nude selfies to someone you know has a wife is morally fucked up.

I would definitely tell my husband.

In a few weeks your world will be turned upside down when a new baby enters your life. You will already be tired and emotional.

If this woman does contact you or your DH during this special time it will be far harder to deal with.

My conversation starter would be something like this :

Something has happened that i need to tell you about but i would prefer not to go into details.

Before I met you i was in an online relationship with a man at work we were never physically intimate but we communicated by text.
It ended in 2017 and we have not been in contact since.
I have been contacted by his wife/partner who has been abusing me via whatsap/linkedin.

I have blocked her on all social media and have no idea why this has surfaced now.

I am not proud of the relationship and I would prefer just to forget about it but want you to know because I am receiving a lot of calls which I am avoiding.

I would avoid the older man / naked photo / any details that are not required hust because I think your past sexual history is your business.

This woman contacting you is happening here and now and I think your DH has a right to know and to face it together should the situation arise.

Honestly, don’t even sweat this!
She’s clearly dumped him, and I doubt very much you’re the only one he’s cheated on her with.

Block her, perhaps even change numbers and move on.

I am on the opinion of you should give the woman one opportunity to ask question, via whatever platform you see fit, message, phone call, WhatsApp, whatever.

Let her ask her questions, be honest with her then tell her any further information, she asks her husband and leave you out of it.

I had a similar situation in which an ex tried to hook up with me, said he was single. Nothing came of it but his pregnant girlfriend found out.

She went nuts at me calling me all kinds on social media but after she had chance to ask and get the full story she soon calmed down. Its just reaction to lash out when your world is falling apart.

Why have a conversation with the woman? She knows her DH cheated. That's blimming obvious. She knows he is a cheat because she herself had an affair with him. What extra knowledge will be gained?

The woman has realised she made a huge mistake marrying her OM. Chances are he has had a string of them all along. She snooped and found the photos, conveniently still on whatsapp so she knew who OP is and so that's where she is directing her avoidant ire. By playing along with the misdirected anger by answering pointless questions she just helps the wife avoid the moment when she has to properly blame her serial cheat husband and herself for being so gullible as to think he would only cheat with her, never on her.

Why tell your DH? It was before you knew him. Nothing to be gained. Fess up only if you need to. If the wife contacts him so what?!

she might of just found all this out and deserves some questions answered.

She can have these answered by her cheating partner who owns full responsibility. If this woman was 45 at the time and 48 now, she for one doesn't have the excuse of being naive. And however justifiably angry she might be, it's surprising she should have survived to that age without realising that if she wants a person's cooperation, she's unlikely to get it by sending them misogynistic, expletive-riddled rants. For a mature woman this is more than a little childish; either that, or she's as rough as a badger's arse. Either way she's not a person I'd be striking up any form of conversation with, and as far as the OP is concerned she 'deserves' precisely what she's currently getting. Silence.

OP stop beating yourself up, this is in the past and you've learnt from it. Also stop referring to it as fessing up to your partner, you weren't together then and there's nothing for you to be sorry to him about. I would tell him ASAP I'm sure he will be supportive.
I definitely wouldn't engage with this woman though, apart from 1 message to say you have got advice from the police and she needs to stop contacting you immediately.

Contact your provider or google how to block withheld numbers - there are apps for this as well I think

When you tell a truth you make it your past, when you tell a lie you make it part of your future. Whatever you do OP - don’t lie!

I'd tell my DH if I were you. You don't want to be handling a deranged stalker woman on your own. My DH would totally have my back, especially while pregnant. As with all these things, assume everyone will find out in the end so just get the truth out there yourself. You got taken in by a sleazebag. You had a bloody good time all the same. Not your finest hour but hardly future relationship ending.

Hi OP, just checking in case, you say you blocked the number she WhatsApp'd you on, did you save that number also as a contact on your phone and then block it there too? Save it as 'crazy bitch' or something then block it. Then she won't be able to call you from that number even if she withholds it. However if you've done this already and/or she's calling from a different number then obviously this won't help. Please give it a try if it hasn't already, this really helped me when I had an issue in the past x

Also I'm really not sure about telling your partner now. It definitely seems like the right thing to do which is the most important part. But after all the threads I've seen on MN (and I am just thinking out loud here so please don't kill me) I can imagine some bastard using that against their partner later down the line when they decide to cheat. For that reason alone it would give me pause.

If it were me I wouldn’t engage at all. I’d block every number apart from contacts, screw down my social media as tight as it will go and forget it. If she wants to vent, she needs to do it in the right place and that’s to the person who betrayed her.

She s probably just discovered he's cheated with someone else and is going through his phone. I'd reply, it was a mistake X years ago, not had any contact with him for a very long time, neither would I want to. And then block her.

I doubt she would believe you if you said nothing physical happened anyway.

I would just block her. And lockdown social media.

This is a hard one.

At first I was going to suggest changing your number but your DH will ask why and if you lie and it all comes out later, it will make it worse.

I still think I would change my number and shut down all social media.

I feel for you - we all make stupid mistakes.