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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
SlightyJaded · 05/05/2020 17:46

Tell your husband tonight
Decide your response together

Personally (and this won't be popular) I would set up an email account that you can delete easily afterwards. I would contact her and tell her that you understand her rage and are happy to answer all her questions once - but that will be it. Keep her blocked on all social media and numbers.

Answer her questions - she is hurt/angry - this is new and fresh to her. This feels like 'old' news to you but she has just discovered it and is probably feeling devastated. Maybe she is pregnant? Maybe she is feeling vulnerable? She deserves answers at any rate.

Assuming she responds with questions. Answer them. Apologise and then tell her that your DH is aware, you were single and you will not be engaging further.

I think she deserves that.

Then you can delete that email account and move on

JKScot4 · 05/05/2020 17:47

I wouldn’t tell your DH, I’d answer the phone, say nothing, let her rant, then say pot kettle black and hang up.

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 17:48

You are taking far too much responsibility onto your own shoulders for the old creep's infidelity. If it weren't you it would have been someone else. Of course it was a mistake but that's what those creeps do: they target young naive women.

notangelinajolie · 05/05/2020 17:48

She is a nutter and you shouldn't give her any more brain space.

Ignore. Block. And change your number.

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 17:49

For three years he has been wanking over those photos. I'd be onto the police like a flash. How fucking dare he?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/05/2020 17:50

Annamaria14

Wtf? She had a two year emotional affair, sexted and exchanged nude photos - how is that not crossing a boundary?

What would you do if you found out your partner had done the same? Would you still think no boundary had been crossed?

I can never understand situations like this. Why would you choose to cause pain or harm to another person?

ElizaCrouch · 05/05/2020 17:50

You don't need to tell him if you don't want to. Tell her to stop contacting you, or you will contact the police. And lock down your social media.

ElizaCrouch · 05/05/2020 17:51

I can never understand situations like this. Why would you choose to cause pain or harm to another person?

Well that's not the ops problem. Its the man who was in a relationship not her.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/05/2020 17:53

Well that's not the ops problem.

The part she played in it is her problem.

mencken · 05/05/2020 17:54

from the update, this bloke is a classic case of marrying the mistress and creating a vacancy, without the actual marriage, and so it should not be a total surprise to the woman that he did it again. I'm guessing he's probably now done it a third time.

no excuses and of course giving digital naked photos of yourself to anyone is beyond stupid - as every teen is taught, that is the same as posting them on the internet.

BUT it is 5 years ago and you can't rewrite what happened. Just keep blocking any calls and forget about it. She's got the big problem, poor woman.

InfiniteSheldon · 05/05/2020 17:54

I would answer the phone to her and tell her to Fuck Off it was years ago and has fuck all to do with you now. He's an absolute nob to have kept photos. Shut happens but photos should be deleted when a relationship ends not your problem thus far down the line and you will reporting her to the police for harassment if you ever hear from her or see those photos again.
Take screen shots of everything she's sent you, write a diary of every time she has contacted you and get fucking fierce you are not in the wrong here.
Personally I'd tell my partner something similar happened to me and my dh about a year into our relationship came out guns blazing in my defence. It was mortifying to admit what had happened but it was the right way to deal with it for us.

Louise91417 · 05/05/2020 17:54

I wouldnt be texting her or interacting with her. You have said your face wasnt shown,engaging in any communication with her is confirming it is you in picture any that could only make matters worse. The only text id be sending is"sorry you must have a wrong number" then block..

MorganKitten · 05/05/2020 17:55

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile

Not unless you have your name in the profile, anyway block any number that contacts and you don’t know, private social media and tell your husband. That’s not you now that you long before him.

DameXanaduBramble · 05/05/2020 17:55

Op, this ISN’T your problem. It’s nobody’s business but yours.

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 17:56

I can never understand situations like this. Why would you choose to cause pain or harm to another person? Yeah, why did he have affairs? Why did he take advantage of a naive colleague? Why did he keep the photos? Why on earth did he choose to do those things to the two women involved?

Annamaria14 · 05/05/2020 17:57

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I said that I have also done the same as her.

I have texted and sexted a married man.

Annamaria14 · 05/05/2020 17:59

I don't think what the OP did was bad because in ny opinion;

No one person owns another person.
I don't think that being monogomous is natural.
It is just texting. I didn't have sex with the married men, same as the OP. What do texts matter

chunkycoke · 05/05/2020 18:00

Have you told your DH? If she continues to contact you I'd phone the police because it's harassment

papiermaches · 05/05/2020 18:00

block and ignore, block and ignore. Nothing's going to happen, tis isn't an ITV drama where the deranged wife appears on your doorstep. Don't feed the troll. Ignore and don't tell your DH. Do you have a good friend who you can confide in if you feel the need to talk to someone in RL?

Annamaria14 · 05/05/2020 18:00

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you said what would I think if my partner did it. I dont have just one partner, I date lots of different men and I am totally fine with them seeing other people

Monogamy is too much pressure for many people. It is not natural, I think

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 05/05/2020 18:01

You’ve acknowledged it wasn’t your finest hour. You now need to just deal with what’s happening now.

I think you should tell your husband just because something more may come of it and the situation may cause you some stress. You don’t want to have to hide anything from him when there’s no need to.

SingingWaffleDoggy · 05/05/2020 18:01

Personally, I would send her a reply. Put yourself in her shoes. If you found texts or pictures and arrangements to meet then there’s no way you would believe from him that nothing happened physically. You telling her means she may be able to find some solace in that. Also, this may be enough to nip it in the bud so that this doesn’t escalate.
However, I would make it clear that you do not wish to engage in any further communication and that if she continues to contact you that you will inform the police that she is harassing you.
I’m sorry this is such terrible timing for you but I would mention it to your partner, not because you needed to have disclosed this previously but just that it is something you are experiencing now and I’d want that honesty in a relationship.
Only you know what is best for your relationship, and the well being of yourself and your baby. Don’t beat yourself up, it wasn’t your finest hour but you weren’t the one that was betraying the partner.

chatterbugmegastar · 05/05/2020 18:01

Where's the proof that it's you, OP?

SirVixofVixHall · 05/05/2020 18:01

OP everyone does stupid things in their twenties. This man was in a relationship, but not married. He was twenty years older than you, and he is the one who should have known better.
I think telling your DH, if you want to, might help you feel a bit more supported.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/05/2020 18:01

Why did he take advantage of a naive colleague? Why did he keep the photos?

Oh come on. Op was 25 not 16. Stop infantalising grown women.

She knew what she was doing and did it for two years, so until she was 27. Bit of a stretch to claim she was a naive young thing at 27.

Why did he keep the photos? Because he could I suppose. That's the risk you take when you send photos to people isn't it? You can't make someone delete them. He hasn't shared or distributed them.