Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

It was years ago so what... I would answer the phone or message it and say you will be reporting to the police for revenge porn and harassment..,

I was still fucking about at 25 it's no big deal had only just finished studying and enjoying my freedom and wages ;)

Step away from the puritans.., surely your DP knew you were not a virgin! If you've talked about previous relationships then just say it wasn't important to you ...

Why would you not tell your husband ? You weren’t with your husband then were you? Just block her number and make all your social media private. Sorry but your overthinking it imo.

I'm sure your DH would rather you be honest about it, than bottle it up, get stressed on your own, and potentially add strain to you and your unborn baby.
This is supposed to be a lovely time for your little family and I wouldn't want you to regret not sharing it with him.. what can he do?? You weren't cheating on him so there's no problem there? He's not exactly going to flip his lid. Yes it was a silly thing to do, but we have all done things we regret, and it was a few years ago now so it truly is water under the bridge for you. I'm sure he will understand that too!

A problem shared is a problem halved, as my granny used to tell me 😊

Maybe have some empathy for the woman. Her world has just been blown apart.

Answer the phone, answer her questions and take ownership of what you did then. Let her have what she needs to move on.

She's likely to be very angry and rightly so. Maybe reassure her that it was nothing physical and maybe she will calm down.

No need to tell your husband IMO as it was before his time.

OP, sorry that you are going through this especially after such a long time. I wonder if he's cheating with someone else & she thinks that it is you?

You have done the right thing in blocking her. I expect she is angry & wants her say. Hopefully over time she will calm down. I don't think speaking with her will help and may lead to her contacting you more.

Whether you decide to tell your partner is up to you. Personally I would wait and see if matters calm down.

Good luck

You are within your rights to contact the police and report harassment and revenge pornography. Affair or no affair the law protects you. I would tell your partner because it removes any power this has over you now or in the future you don't need to keep beating yourself up. . She probably knows nothing about your life now and won't care about it.

any rely will add fuel to the fire, block & ignore.
This is a complete stranger you dont answer to her

Block/delete and forget about it! Up your security settings on all social media or even consider deactivating your profiles for a while. I don't think you need to explain anything to your husband but that's your call. I'd probably confide in a close girlfriend instead.

Sorty, I thought I’d read 13 years ago. Perhaps it wasn’t on a post from the OP. Either way, insert the correct no into where I’ve written 13 yrs.

OP you have moved on and it was a while ago. As most posters have said, block, delete sm and Do Not Answer . You are pregnant as well so you do not need all this right now.
Wait it out and see what happens. I personally would not mention it. Put your phone on airplane mode at night if you have to. She will eventually stop calling, its just a matter of when.

I think someone has misread I am now 38 wks pregnant as I am now 38 :)

I hope you've locked everything down tight now, and you've had that conversation with your DH.

While he might be a bit "wtf were you thinking?" it was before you'd even met him, you were single so weren't cheating on anyone yourself, AND you never even actually "did the deed" with the man. Plus you've had zero contact with him since 2017, so all in all I think you'll be ok with your DH.

But I would really, really change your profile pic on FB, Linked In and any other social media to something that is not your face. And maybe change your name - did you change your name when you got married? If not, then maybe just use a middle name, or something else entirely, to re-anonymise yourself a little. I know it's not ideal on Linked-In but you need to protect your online presence from the woman, who, while she's obviously upset, seems to have gone completely fucking overboard with her stalking!

Good luck with it all.

If it were me I wouldn’t admit anything! Not to her or your DH.

So the woman has sent a sexual image-is that not a crime of some sort?

I'm wondering if she thinks it's current if she has just found out?

I would definitely tell my husband! Why keep secrets? You need his support.

I wouldn't respond to the stalker - block her and lock down/delete all social media.

Seems to me that maybe the guy is back up to his old tricks and that she had suspicions and therefore looked through his phone and found what she did. Why else would she have found them 3 years after the event? Surely these videos would be date stamped as would any previous WhatsApp messages?? I think that you are one of many people who have received such messages/harassment.

I would tell your DH, if for no other reason than it removes that power from her and removed the dread and sense of threat that you now have.

I would ignore her. Your problem is with him.

I would find him on Linked In and send him a message saying you know he has given naked pictures of you to someone else, having promised to delete everything when the relationship ended and you are planning to go to the police.

I would mean it too. He could have deleted that photo. He told you he had deleted it. Now another person has a copy of it. Police matter, even if embarrassing. The absolute fucker should not be allowed to get away with it.

“DON NOT tell your DP, your past is not his business.What's point?
You can't be recognized from the photos, so don't worry about it.“ - red flag for her DH right there!
If her DH were to find out (quite possible in view of events so far) then he’d have to think that not only is she someone who had a two year illicit affair, but also willing to actively conceal things from the past, deny and lie. What else doesn’t he know? And how could he trust her to tell him the truth anyway?
Don’t listen OP - you will weave a tangled web and it will mar your future!
It’s obvious you regret what happened and feel differently about your behaviour now. I think your DH might actually appreciate your being truthful as a positive to come out of this. And that will come through, make it true by living better!

If I was you I wouldn't tell your husband. You've already blocked her on everything which is a good start. Completely lock down all social media to private and set your settings so you can't be searched on fb. I would just continue to ignore ignore ignore. She lives on the opposite side of the country so it's not like she can track you down. Your 38 weeks pregnant so I would try to forget about her and focus on yourself. If on the off chance she does manage to track down your now husband, your his wife who's just had his baby and it was something that happened before he met you so he might let it go.
Don't be so hard on yourself, and good luck with the baby xx

I don't think you did anything bad. It was just texts. We are all just human sometimes and the attraction is there, but then you don't cross the boundary.

I have also done this with two men. One was married . One was in a relationship. We sent sexual pictures back and forth. We never had sex or ever even kissed. It was just texting.

You stopped yourself and you didn't cross a boundary. Be proud of yourself. Please don't feel bad.

Exactly what @sammylady37 said. By telling your husband you are removing her power.

I see where you said that he was married when she met him, and then she had a full on affair with him, not just texting.

So she did far worse.

As for her, I might send her one message saying you will be going to the police about your ex boyfriend distributing naked photos of you that he told you he had deleted when you split up three years ago.

I wouldn't take this lying down. I'd tell my partner and then inform the police that an ex partner kept nude photographs of you and his partner is sending them to you with threatening messages.

It has got to the point she knows you blocked her original number and this hasne stopped her. A quiet word from the police will hopefully stop her in her tracks. If it doesnt then the police will be able to take the next step.