Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

Ah bless you, your husband sounds amazing.
I would just ignore her, you don’t need to be pulled into whatever drama is going off between them, your life has moved on and you don’t need the stress, keep the app blocking the calls and keep off SM and it will soon pass.

I reckon he’s playing around again, she’s gone looking for evidence and found the pictures so she thinks he is current cheating on her with OP.

That’s the only way saying OP is “welcome to him” makes sense.

@Robin233 no I think I wasn't clear the man and this woman WERE together when we had this online affair. Yes he was still legally married to his first wife but they were separated and he was living with this other woman (who is now attempting to contact me). They had both been married to other ppl had an affair and left their spouses to be together.

Shortly after which he started an online affair with me. He was technically married to his first wife but him and this woman were living together and her kids were living with them. It was a shitty thing for me to do I knew they were in a relationship (regardless of how it started)

bless you OP... I think I'd have buckled at the knees with stress .. good on you for staying positive

Well done. Telling your husband was obviously the right thing to do. Amazed/worried so many didn’t agree. Keep offline for a while and enjoy your pregnancy x

You were wrong yes ( buy you know that).
If she’d text you simply saying ‘who is this?’ Or ‘why have you sent this to my dp?’ Etc i’d have said you bite the bullet and answer, but no way would i respond to this person!
She’s abusive and i wouldn’t trust her!
Any more and i would contact the police

Nothing to do with you OP
Shit happens and don’t feel guilty
Ignore all contact

She may think the number is out of service that way

Remove your surname from social media eg im in maiden name but many use backward spelling etc

Do not tell ur DH no need

You should tell the OM and say you’ll go to the police or take this public if she contacts you again. He’ll soon stop her.

And tell your dp, he should know why you’re stressed!
If she manages to contact him he’ll wonder why you didn’t.
He hasn’t nothing to be upset about (maybe a little bit for not being told earlier) but no other reason, you weren’t together

Well done OP! I'm glad you took the advice to be honest with your husband. Always the best policy for a healthy marriage and to build trust, and it sounds like he's been utterly supportive of you, as he should. I hope you feel much much better now and relieved it's all done and dusted. Good luck with your new baby

OP HAS told her DH folks.. fully supports her

This man cheated on his wife with her, what makes her think she's so special he wouldn't do it to her? Tell her to fuck off 😁

@NorthernLass75 that’s vile! I was cheated on (one night stand) it broke my heart completely and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, what made the whole thing worse?

She knew he was in a relationship with me
When I approached her about it, she really twisted the knife in, it was horrible, and the cherry on the cake??? Her final comment of “see you in 9 months 😂😉”

What the fuck if funny about doing that to someone? (In my case, she was lying and was certainly not pregnant) I did NOT deserve to be cheated on full stop, my partner cheating me on me was horrendous, someone else being involved that knew me and knew I was with him? Horrendous. Making me suffer more pain by being a nasty bitch? Horrendous.

On the other hand, I have also been the op in this scenario, I was very young and very stupid and I will never forgive myself, I feel shame towards myself, I feel disgust.

I cannot believe the amount of posters who think the op doesn’t owe the woman something, op very much knowingly played her role and I don’t think the fact that they weren’t friends should make s damn big of difference, I’ve alwsys maintained that should my past ever come and bite me
On the arse is do everything in my power to try and repair the damage I had played a part in inflicting on somebody rldr

Well, if she has just found out her husband has cheated on her, she isn’t exactly going to be in the best of moods and emotionally stable, is she?

Maybe it's the man calling from a private number to say "I told her nothing physical happened but she doesn't believe me - talk to her please!!!"* *

I'm a bit shocked at the "You've done nothing wrong." Brigade. Since when has knowingly being involved with a married person (for that long!) not been wrong? I'm sure the OP would feel it was wrong if someone was sending HER dh pics now?

That being said, you haven't wronged your husband and I think you're right to be open with him. I suspect you'll feel less anxious if you tell him. If you do text her back I would keep it simple like another poster has suggested, explain it wasn't sexual, it was a long time ago etc and if she continues to contact you, you will have to involve the police.

He was married and separated from his wife living with OW and her kids (OW who is now contacting her and frankly got a healthy dose of karma in my opinion) when he was texting OP. OP may have made some questionable decisions there but I struggle to see how she is wrong. Not your circus, not your monkeys OP

I've just lost all sympathy for this woman since learning she herself is a cheat. What goes around comes around and all that.

Am I missing something here? Revenge porn is sharing or distributing explicit materials. The wife has sent one photo, which the OP had sent to the woman’s husband, after she’d obviously found it herself. Hardly sharing it or distributing it except with the person who originally sent it.

Regardless of how this woman’s relationship with her now DH came about, which the OP seems to be using to minimise her own actions over TWO years!, she has a right to be very angry and upset. What she may or may not have done to someone else does not mitigate what the OP did knowing the man was in a relationship. Did he marry her during these two years . I don’t understand at all the vitriol to this woman. The OP deserves all she gets quite honestly. Anyone would lose their shit in this woman’s situation. You don’t know how she has dealt with her husband and the OP was culpable as well. Men act like this because women like the OP facilitate them. Not to say they’re not responsible for their actions but the OP is as well.

I can’t put myself in your position OP but I do think I’d send a message to the woman explaining what happened and apologising for your part in her upset, stating that was all you had to say and would not entertain any further contact, as I couldn’t have something like this hanging over me especially when due to give birth.

Also how do you know how their relationship came about? From the man? For all you know this woman could have decided to end her marriage before she physically cheated on her previous husband, maybe it was mutual or he was abusive and she found the courage to leave after meeting her new partner. Do you really know the truth about the situation before you try to make her out as being worse than you after making plans to meet her husband for sex (find it hard to believe you didn’t follow through over two years) sending him dirty pictures and having an online affair?

I’m totally missing something here.

You had a two year sexual texting and video affair with a man who was living with his GF. But obviously didn’t tell her and she believed he was monogamous.

You knew he was cheating and for two years just didn’t care if you ripped this woman’s life apart.

And now she’s found out.

I’m not sure it’s you I’d be feeling sorry for in this instance.

OP sorry if this is scary but would she be able to find your address easily? I'd look into coming off the public Electoral Roll, if you are still on there (ie the one that can be searched online.) That is scary about the 35 phone calls.

I have to say that, even though you do live at "opposite ends of the country", I wouldn't put it past her to try and see you in person, as she's not giving up, so yes, make sure your address is not available anywhere.

I have been in her shoes as the cheated on partner - but not the cheatee in that relationship - and yes it stings but I never wanted to talk to the OW (maybe I'm unusual) and certainly wouldn't have continued to harass her, when the person who should be giving the answers is the cheater.

You've blocked her every which way now, but there may be some point to answering one text to warn her that continued harassment will result in legal action on your part.

I can't imagine being so desperate to talk to someone I don't know about something like this - I'd be tearing HIM to shreds for sure, but not going after the OW.

@CoronaIsShit this man never told me they started with an affair the reason I know is because she also had worked in this company (she left before I started) so everyone used to gossip about how the affair became public and how they had left their husband/ wife to be together which had been a bit of a scandal.
At the time I probably used that to justify the affair in my own head but certainly didn't mean for it to minimise my actions now. What she did was certainly not "worse" than me, from what I can gather she fell in love and left her husband to be with this man while my motives were purely sexual I was never in love with this man I just found him really sexy and exciting and acted like a selfish arsehole.
Just to clarify the affair with us wasn't constant for the 2 years it was on and off usually depending on his shift pattern I.e we would have contact (texts calls etc) constantly for a week and then nothing for a month or more. That went on for the bones for 2 years.

I’d message her back and tell her that he was an older, more senior man who abused his more senior position with a junior member of staff. That in the current age of “me too” you now realise how wrong it was of him to do this and that you’re glad she’s brought it up as you’re now considering reporting him to his company for sexual harrassment.

Tell her you’re keeping a log of all phone calls and will also be reporting her to the police for harrassment if it doesn’t stop.