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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 05/05/2020 20:27

I can’t help thinking so what if he’s spun her a line. Tell the truth and tell them to delete the photos. Personally I’d not be taking the flack for him.

Chiyo666 · 05/05/2020 20:27

Now your husband on side, just send her this.

SlightyJaded · 05/05/2020 20:28

Ah. The fact that they weren't together when you were with him puts quite a different slant on things. I thought they were in a marriage at the time and felt that you owed her an apology.

In this new scenario, you were both one of his 'extra curricular activities' and therefore you don't owe her anything although there would be no harm in pointing out to her that this happened several years ago, when she was not with him in any way other than as his mistress....

I am glad your DH has been supportive.

sergeilavrov · 05/05/2020 20:28

Christ, there are a lot of shattered glass houses around Mumsnet. Ignore them, OP. I think your attitude is exactly right.

So glad your husband is supportive, as he should be. Time to let yourself relax and ease into being a mum - congratulations.

Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 20:30

Thank you. After I told my DH I deactivated all my social media accounts. (Didnt want to do beforehand as I wanted to explain the reason to him first). The app I downloaded to block her calls shows that a private number and another unidentified number has attempted to call me 35 times since 5.46pm. This app just cuts it off after one ring without me ever knowing but stores the data. I deactivated my voicemail too.
My maternity hospital has my work phone number so I know it's not them.
Im hoping she'll get bored with it soon and stop trying.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 05/05/2020 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Viviennemary · 05/05/2020 20:34

I don't see why you should need to tell your DH. The woman sounds nuts. It was five years ago. You didn't murder anyone. She is the one in the wrong. Send a text saying she will be reported to the police if this harassment continues.

PegasusReturns · 05/05/2020 20:34

When a stranger gets in touch to call you a cunt, you don't have to hear them out

Exactly this. Or respond at all.

If she doesn’t stop ringing I might be inclined to unblock her temporarily and text “Sending pictures of that nature is unacceptable and a criminal offence. Do not contact me again. If you do I will contact the police”.

Viviennemary · 05/05/2020 20:35

Didn't see your message. Good your DH is supportive. Poor you. What s horrible woman.

Ughmaybenot · 05/05/2020 20:36

Glad it’s all good with your husband.
I would consider involving the police if this level of contact is continued. One for harassment but two, as mentioned before, for the ‘revenge porn’ aspect. She has no right to be sending photos of your body to anyone at all.

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 20:37

Good outcome, OP. You’d be mad to contact her.

BluebellsareBlue · 05/05/2020 20:37

What a shitty thing to have happened. Sending you very unmumsnetty hugs. Thanks

Windmillwhirl · 05/05/2020 20:37

I wouldn't tell your husband. He's excited about his new baby. Dont ruin that for him. You are a big girl, you can work this out on your own.

sammylady37 · 05/05/2020 20:40

*Imagine how many men he’s shared the photos with, forwarding them and sharing in group chats.

He obviously didn’t hide them very well if his wife found them. She’s probably been sending them to friends too showing them what her filthy husband has been up to.....again.*

Wow. What an unhelpful post. If only the op had a time machine.

Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 20:40

@MashedSpud I know. If he's kept that one photo he prob kept everything and may have shared them with others. But honestly I'm not massively concerned about that side of things. Nothing ever showed my face, I would vehemently deny it was me and only my closest friends would ever recognize my old apartment. I am not in contact with anyone from that town and if the photos ever surfaced publicly I would go to the police. Im going to give this woman the benefit of the doubt to say she just found the photo and forwarded it in anger. If she sends anymore il go to the authorities.

OP posts:
Olliephaunt4eyes · 05/05/2020 20:41

I'm so glad that things have worked out with you and your husband, OP. Hope you can now just forget about the past and enjoy your lovely new baby and little family.

NorthernLass75 · 05/05/2020 20:47

Send her back a picture of your bump with a message saying “I haven’t seen X in just over 8 months. Can you please give me his mobile phone number and current address as I need to discuss an important matter with him?”.

Ok, don’t do that Grin

While getting involved with a man in a relationship wasn’t the smartest decision, you owe this woman nothing. Ignore her and if she finds another way to contact you, tell her you don’t appreciate being harassed and will turn the matter over to the police. Then do it.

Whataloadofshite · 05/05/2020 20:56

To be honest, I understand why she's pissed off and everyone who says just dismiss her is really out of order. You knew he was cheating on her (albeit not actually hands on) but you were sexual and now she's found out about it. I hope she's dumped him, but don't tell her nothing happened between you and him, because it certainly did to an extent. She's going to be pissed off, and rightly so.

Sure you can block and ignore, but the fact is you were messing about with her bloke. It happened before you and your husband were together, so he can't really comment on that, but if you ignore her and she starts contacting people you know that are visible on your social media, you'll be sorry you did. That usually blows up with awful consequences.

It sounds like he kept all the images and stuff, and she found them. He clearly couldn't be trusted, which was evident when you stated the exchanges with him.

You'll have to be up front with your bloke about it, because if she starts messaging other people or the like, he's not gonna be amused if you didn't tell him first.

Coffeecak3 · 05/05/2020 21:11

@Whataloadofshite. You’re about an hour behind.

Pinkyyy · 05/05/2020 21:22

She's a cheater, who has been cheated on, by another serial cheater. What did she even expect. Calling 35 times in that amount of time is psychotic so I'm glad you've decided not to pick up, absolutely nothing good will come of it.

noyoucannotcomein · 05/05/2020 21:31

Now that he knows, let your husband answer and before she gets a word in, tell her firmly that if she calls you one more time, you will be reporting her. Thinking she can blow up your life is probably fuelling her. With your husband on you side, knowing the full story, she has nowhere to take it really.

copycopypaste · 05/05/2020 21:39

Tell your dh. It's not about coming clean, it was years ago, you were 25. Jesus I think most of us have done daft stuff in our 20s as a single person. Don't sweat it, nothing to be ashamed of

As for the calls, if they continue to come through you can ring your supplier and ask them to block withheld or private number, or just change your number

Robin233 · 05/05/2020 21:40

So if old boss was still
With first wife it would seem as if second wife is upset maybe because she thinks photos are current.

If this is the case then she just needs to be made aware of the time scale .....

Aridane · 05/05/2020 21:41

It sounds like he groomed you.

Nonsense

Peachy92 · 05/05/2020 21:43

Wow, you know why this woman is so peeved? Because karma just took a huge bite out of her backside. She now knows how his wife must have felt when she ran off with her husband! Once a cheater ...more often than not. Glad your DH handled it the way a decent husband should, you just enjoy your life OP and look forward to that little bundle your growing!