Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

@SlightyJaded
*But we only have the snake's word that she cheated also.

And yes I agreed that name-calling isn't on*

So name-calling ‘isn’t on’ but you calling the OP a snake is ok??

She's calling the ex boss a snake.

Why is she bombarding you, it’s her partner she needs to discuss this with. Especially as the last nude was sent at least 2 years ago.

I would ignore her but tell your husband. If she continues to harass you, tell her to stop contacting you and if she persists - contact the police who will hopefully issue her will a warning to stop.

You haven't done anything to DH. You regret your part in being with this married man but it was a long time ago.

DH might feel upset if you don't tell him about the current significant event in your life now i.e this woman harassing you. Definitely tell him.

Everybody has things in their past they regret. You were single, and he was a willing partner.

I would ignore. Whether you tell your husband depends on how you think he'd respond or if you feel it might overshadow the birth of your baby.

She doesn't get to call you names and then expect a conversation. Block her.

@SlightyJaded
Agreed with both posts.

This wife will have been totally blindsided like so many wife's who post on mn.

No body knows how they d react if they found such phots on their dh's phone. Or how polite they'd be.

And as for op owes her nothing, what about respect ?

Or can we all help ourself to some ones else's husband ?

Heart felt apology in an email
But please stay calm and if not your dh maybe a trusted friend to help you through.

DH might feel upset if you don't tell him about the current significant event in your life now i.e this woman harassing you. Definitely tell him.

I agree.

I have a similar story at the same age as you but a full blown, years-long affair with a man 13 years older. When I met my now husband I asked him if he wanted to talk about previous relationship situations and surprisingly he did not. I was certain that something similar would happen to me as has happened to you. Luckily there were no cameras involved (shows you how old I am! :)). My point is, put it out there. It wasn't while you were with him, its in the past. All young people do stupid things.

I would also definitely tell your husband now. This woman might go away tomorrow or you might have trouble getting rid of her. If I were in his position, I wouldn't have any trouble with a partner having done stupid things in the past, but I would definitely have trouble with a partner covering up and avoiding tell me something now. Tell him and decide what should be done about it together.

Same as Sonja above - I would tell husband it would alleviate a lot of anxiety and it’s not like you were together etc - you’ve got support then if you do end up changing number / contact police (if it comes to that).

I would probably ignore and block the woman, and let my husband know what was going on. What you did back then isn’t really relevant to your relationship so don’t make that the focus, don’t let it become the focus.

Can't you just say you bought the phone off a bird in a bar and you haven't a scooby what she is on about? If she doesn't KNOW it's you and you change your SM it could work couldn't it?

On reflection though she must be really hurt. If I was in her shoes I’d know I’m probably more likely to get the truth from another woman than the man in the middle. If you’re not afraid, would it hurt to talk to her?

Your DH sounds like he will support you in this. You don't need to deal with the stress alone.

@sammylady37

As @Robin233 clarified, I was referring to the man as the 'snake'. Why would you believe anyone who has cheated in a marriage to give you straight answers about anything.

This is also one of the reasons I am advocating for the OP to give the wife some answers so she can make an informed decision about her marriage.

It's all very well saying that the OP doesn't owe her anything and it is the responsibility of the husband to provide answers, but what is the likelihood of him being straight or believed?

And I believe the OP has done wrong - no matter how long ago or how naively - and one email offering clarity, is a small price to pay.

This woman is clearly in a rage right now. It is not the right time to engage with her.
If she had messaged you asking for answers in a more calm way then fair enough but she's clearly in a rage going by the names she's calling you so no good will come of speaking to her right now. No matter what you say to her she will get more angry!

You are 38 weeks pregnant and need to look after yourself and the baby.

OP please take care of yourself.. consider the Police and try not to stress

@SlightyJaded and @Robin233 ahh, I see. Apologies!

There’s a good chance she has just found out and your past, appears to be very much her present.

I'm terribly sorry, nothing ever happened between us, it was just something stupid X years ago that never progressed. I have moved on with my life since him.

This is terrible advice, you shouldn’t lie yourself out of your own fuck up.

Lock down your SM and you should tell your H because you are being harassed and your past is now a part of his present.

If she contacts you again, contact the Police.

You need to make this go away as best you can - you don't want this anxiety overshadowing your baby's birth and first weeks.

Your call as to whether you contact her but I definitely would tell your DH. These things have a way of getting out and you will be backfooted and look guilty if he finds out without you telling him. Just tell him it was something and nothing and you didn't even give it another thought after it ended. Good luck with your baby x

Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate it as I was up in a heap worrying about this all day.

Just to clarify for those saying I owe this woman something because I "stole her husband" etc. Firstly not to minimise anything but they weren't married, in fact he was still married to his first wife who he left for this woman.
Secondly the reason I am not going to answer the phone to her and "be truthful" as so many people feel I should do is because he will likely have spun her a story and me being honest will prob contradict that story and cause more trouble and while I hate that anyone ended up hurt and I really regret what i did (and wish I could take it back) i honestly don't feel like I "owe her" anything because while I knew she existed she wasn't a friend or someone I had ever met.
I acted like a selfish arsehole, let myself down and broke "girl code" by sexting another woman's partner but I feel like the only one who "owes her" an explanation is her DP which I know many of you will disagree with.

In other news I spoke to my husband a few hours ago and told him everything. He was amazing and if possible I love him even more after it. He just said it was in the past before we met and if she dared contact him she would be very sorry. I hope he doesn't think any less of me but I'm really glad I told him I feel 100% better since speaking to him.

@yecats1990 I am delighted for you.

Now put your feet up and enjoy the last few weeks of your time just the two of you!

@SlightyJaded just to clarify the guy himself never actually told me that they started with an affair. The reason I know is because this woman used to work in the same company and everyone used to talk about how they left their husband/wife to be together.

Remove your phone number from all your social media accounts. Temporarily freeze or delete your Linkedin if you can.
You could consider sending her one message saying that if she contacts you again in any form and on any channel you will report her to the police for harassment and stalking.