"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

I like that all the posts are getting appraised, would you like to give us all marks out of 10 OP

I commend your persistence, I gave up a while back! grin

Aren't you the posted who declared I was being financially abused and that you'd called it/were right in a sort of triumphant manner.

But pretty much nobody has agreed with you.

Then you asked me why my dh and I had broken up for two yrs, i answered and you didn't post again -

.... until this "isn't she so unreasonable, isn't she such hard work!!" attempted bonding message to backseat.

At least I haven't seen another post from yourself in the quick look i had.

"Triumphant"?
You don't even read the replies properly before insulting people.
I'm off. Good luck - you need it.

*See, I suspected financial abuse at the beginning .....

I call financial abuse, I suspected it before and I'm sure of it now.*

It certainly sounded like being right was as or more important to you than truly understanding and helping a poster. As someone said early in this thread about some posters.

You also kept repeatedly assuming/projecting financial abuse and I had to keep saying "no, I didn't support him"' no, he didn't do a,b or c.

Then you asked questions I took time to answetlr and I haven't seen another post from you til this, basically trying to bond with backseat over slagging me off.

Smiley emojis don't change passive aggressive comments you know.

Thank you so much for the good luck, anyway - seems like I'm not the only one who needs it.

OP the thing is, you’re nitpicking people’s posts & got your back up at anyone who disagrees with or misunderstands you.

It makes it look like you’re nitpicking your husband & hostile towards him over one comment regarding family finances which you have taken exception to.

If someone doesn’t agree with you here & you become nasty, then how do you behave towards your husband when you disagree with him ? Your posts suggest this issue is preventing you from having sexual relations with him again because the intimacy has been destroyed. It sounds like you take a lot to heart & lash out in pain.

Are you certain you are not depressed ? The advice of counselling is wise, you’re unhappy in this relationship, someone in RL to talk to may help a lot to sort things out in your mind.

The way this is going you will end up breaking up & your investment property will be split between you in a settlement. You clearly don’t want him having access to half your house which you brought into the marriage. Do you want to be right or happy ?

Just hopping back in to confirm I'm not trying to "bond" with anyone over this (I know you directed that statement at someone else but involved me in it again just now) we are all adults with our own opinions and I'm not game playing. I couldn't be arsed if I wanted to. Which I don't!

I'm sure @AnotherEmma isn't either, I think you're reading more into everything than you need to, like when you thought I had some ulterior motive then agreed that in fact I didn't.

The world isn't out to get you. And no thread is as much of a priority to other people as it is to the original poster.

It's just an honest opinion on an anonymous forum... I'm out!

this could have been such a good discussion about equality, pay gap and careers of mothers, somehow its mainly character assassination and questions about who payed a deposit many years ago 😬

The reason why I suggest you may have depression is that it can often manifest in feeling angry & simmering discontent. It oozes out of your posts how furious you are. That kind of mindset is not healthy. It will poison you slowly.

Your gut knows what you want - so deep down you must know if you want to work with your husband to resolve this disagreement by learning to live with each other’s difference of opinion or if you actually want to split up, but resentful of giving him half your investment property in settlement.

*why would he need to give up his job? You could work FT, childcare would cover the hours both of you are working plus if neither of you were finished for pick up time, a childminder would be."

Sorry I'm only getting around to answering this.

Absolutely, i think it's going to have to a child minder pick up if I go full-time. Either that or I move my DD to a nursery near my workplace. I was v reluctant to do that from somewhere she was familiar with.

In any case I was answering the post about the arrangement, as it were , between myself and DH currently and the poster saying j should be grateful he is willing to be the bread winner, I don't absolutely have to work etc. I wax just saying that he would t have if any other way, he would never give up his job (or whatever job he could paid well in).

If someone doesn’t agree with you here & you become nasty

You see yourself (and the two other pile on posters) keep sticking to this line .... But if you read the thread you'd realise I gave t been nasty to anyone because they didn't agree with me.

Lots of people have agreed with me, lots have not. A shitload - and I'm not calling out the vast majority of them. Because it's not the disagreement I object to.

this could have been such a good discussion about equality, pay gap and careers of mothers

There's still been a lot of interesting discussion and perspectives given I think - I'm grateful for all of them

What I mean is - You have an aura of hostility when challenged. Criticising people’s spelling & education levels...That’s not a very good look, or even relevant to the discussion. you could disagree in a much more articulate way.

Backseat - I'm afraid I disagree about anotheremma's comment, but it's unimportant.

I appreciate all your contributions whether we agreed or not.

And I don't think that because there are some interesting posters on Mumsnet that "the world is out to get me".

...and again you have not replied to anything else in my post, only the one bit you took exception to.

It makes it seem your marriage may well be ok but you are focusing on this one issue & nitpicking over it when in the grand scheme of things it’s not so important. Your setup sounds like what many women would be happy to have.

But if there is no love between you, then of course little things will grate on you. His comment is affecting you a lot, arguably more than it should be. This is not a happy relationship IMO or you would not be so caught up by it.

Criticising people’s spelling & education levels..

Someone who's big enough to post a punctuation free, inarticulate, nasty, derogatory rant on a forum - expressing their extreme amusement at an ops "stupidity" (with both reasons give actually being incorrect) .... Is big enough to take some shit back.

*given

The other poster whose misuse of a word I pointed out, saw fit to tell me that the more I wrote the, sorrier she felt for my husband.

Again if you choose to insult someone, like that, you can expect some shade back.

Hi @GilbertMarkham You are one of the regulars here and always give such helpful advice.

I haven't read all the thread (sorry, need coffee} but to me what you describe in the OP is financial abuse in a way, at least insomuch as he's using money to claim a sort of superiority over you, and is preventing your equal participation in the running of your life. His deliberately keeping things from you is unpleasant.

I imagine it must also feel like you don't have a husband as much as you should, when he's away for such lengths of time- though I understand that that's just the way it is, and other women have it worse.

I imagine when he's not there you feel isolated sometimes and also that it must be somewhat draining to look after your DD alone.

It could be aggravating to have him have this attitude when you do a lot of running around/drop offs and put in a lot of time and effort.

But I'm not an expert or experienced in these types of relationships, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. xxx

"feel free to correct me if I'm wrong"

Oh don't worry. She will!

..and again you have not replied to anything else in my post, only the one bit you took exception to

Viking - there was a lot on your posts. I am absorbing it. I will be reading all the posts over when I can do it uninterrupted. Just because someone doesn't respond re quite complex issues immediately, doesn't mean they're not considering it.

Some of you are like characters in a play who keep popping back on stage in spite of having bade adeui.

@NoMoreDickheads

Thank you, that's very kind.

Adieu rather - oh dear .

It is not my native language, in my defence.

so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

No there's a lot of truth in there.

But I do appreciate that he puts in a lot of effort too.

But yeah it does feel like I'm a kid/employee/little woman at home.