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Original poster

*trigget warning* my friend told me i was raped. Was i?

126 replies

Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 08:10

I was talking with my best friend about past sexual experiences. I told her about this one guy that told me 'no sex. We arent going to have sex' then immediately started having sex with me without any warning.
I had messaged him before he came checking that he wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he wasn't and that he respected me and just wanted to spend some time with me. Once he arrived he started to make a move quite quickly, i became uncomfortable as was very quick. I tried pushing him away and was not responding. He carried on and i started to get a bit upset as i worried he wasn't going to stop. He noticed and stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. I explained. He said lefts just cuddle up and watch a movie instead. So we did. Only about 2 minutes after putting the tv on he leapt up saying he needed to put a condom on or his shorts wete going to get wet. I thought at the time that he was trying to manipulate the situation but that it wasn't going to work, i still wasn't going to sleep with him. He lay back down with me and cuddled me. He was obviously very excited. He started touching me and i was ok with that. But all of a sudden after a minute or two he flipped me over so he was on top of me. This is when he told me we weren't going to have sex. And then immediately did just that. I was too shocked to say anything. And thought well it's happening now so went along with it. But hs was hurting me and i did tell him over and over. I got a bit distressed at one point but he just kept repositioning me.

Is my friend right? Did he rape me? I feel so bad about letting this happen, i need to understand what it was. I've told myself it was my fault as i let him touch me and i didn't say no (because he told me weren't going to have sex) but maybe I've been looking at it wrong? But that might be because i desperately don't want it to be rape...

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 03/05/2020 08:34

You were very clear you did not want to. It's not your fault. He ignored that. Yes, you were raped. I'm so sorry.

If you want to talk to someone experienced and supportive about it, you could search for Rape Crisis local centre.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2020 08:36

He ignored your non verbal cues that you weren't comfortable and ignored you saying he was hurting you and ignored your wishes. Sounds like rape to me, sorry op, you could call rape crisis for some advice

Hope this guy isn't in your life anymore

BrandNewHair · 03/05/2020 08:46

Please get some help

FergusComeLately · 03/05/2020 08:52

Yes you were raped. You clearly did not want to have sex with him when he did it.

You also said to him that it hurt. It doesn’t matter whether you said it hurt to him or not in terms of it being rape, you could have not said anything and it would have been rape but the point is any decent man would have stopped IMMEDIATELY if you said he was hurting you.

He KNEW you were distressed, he knew you were in pain and he carried on because he’s a rapist.

I am so enormously sorry this happened to you. Please contact RAPE crisis website and talk to someone about what happened.

Ohohohwhereyougoing · 03/05/2020 08:56

Oh my love Flowers

How long ago was this? Can your friend support you in getting professional help. Do you want to report him?

FlowerArranger · 03/05/2020 09:00

Of course you were raped!

This is dreadful. You will need help to process this. I'd suggest contacting Rape Crisis (I think that is what they're called.)

However, based on what you say, you had invited an online date to your home - is this correct? This is extremely dangerous. Never, never trust what someone tells you, don't put yourself in vulnerable situations. You must look after yourself - no one else will....

PatchworkElmer · 03/05/2020 09:02

He raped you OP. I’m so sorry.

CoronaIsComing · 03/05/2020 09:03

Yes, there’s no ifs, buts or maybes here, so we’re raped. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that 🙁

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 09:05

It wasn't very long ago. My friend has been very supportive but i can't report him. I'm finding it very hard to accept. I'm still trying to excuse what he did.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 03/05/2020 09:06

Yes you were but it does worry me you’ve had this revelation during a lockdown with scant ability to access help. How are you feeling?

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/05/2020 09:09

Just to add I had similar happen to me. A date rape scenario where I clearly said no, he carried on regardless and I ended up storming off out of his house and back home with him running after me. I didn’t report him because like you, I rationalised it in my head that it was my fault as I’d put myself in harms way in the first place.

It doesn’t particularly upset me nine years on. I just think he was a twat and I was naive. But then I was t hurt and it didn’t last long. It obviously would have been completely different as a memory if I’d been trapped in a house or he was violent.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 09:19

I'm not feeling great to be honest. What happened never felt right, but i wouldn't allow myself to call it rape. Instead i blamed myself and felt all kinds of things about myself for doing it. He wants a relationship with me and we are still in touch. I told him that i wasn't comfortable about what happened but he told me that i made the first move and that he 'got hard instantly' this made me blame myself more and feel more confused as i don't understand how i made the first move. I also woke up to a message from him telling me how he hadn't expected to make love to me that night but he loved how forward i was and that i clearly saw something i wanted and he wasn't going to stop me. This also really confused me as he makes it sound like i jumped on him or something

OP posts:
Figgygal · 03/05/2020 09:22

He sending you those messages to cover his arse just in case you report him what an absolute bastard

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 09:27

He told me that he volunteers for the Samaritans. I thought he was a good person. I'm so confused 😥

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/05/2020 09:30

Oh, @Magiccloud.... He is messing with your head! Don't let him. Cut contact now, completely.

You are not to blame for what happened to you, but you do need to become more confident and learn to trust your own feelings. I sense that, for whatever reason, you find it 'safer' to go along with what others want, rather than stand up for yourself.

Does this happen in other areas of your life as well? You need to work on your boundaries and self esteem. These books may help you:

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

FlowerArranger · 03/05/2020 09:32

He told me that he volunteers for the Samaritans

This is probably bullshit, but I'd still report him, just in case it's true...

Puds11 · 03/05/2020 09:33

Those messages Angry What an absolute shit.

He raped you, I am so sorry. His behaviour is unacceptable and he is a dangerous predator.

I’m sorry to ask, but did he bring a condom with him? If you had already told him no sex and he brought a condom it sounds very premeditated.

What you must remember is that you did nothing wrong. He is wrong.

ConnieDoodle · 03/05/2020 09:38

He sent those messages as some sort of evidence that it wasn't rape. He absolutely knows he raped you. he was preparing his defence. You need to make sure he is completely out of your life.

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/05/2020 09:43

Woah those messages!!! Talking about trying to rewrite history. He knows what he did. He has a conscience and it’s eating him. He wants you to make him feel you were complicit. Don’t.

category12 · 03/05/2020 09:48

Those messages are to cover up and mess with your head. He knows exactly what he did, he bulldozed through and raped you, and now he's gaslighting you.

Speak to Rape Crisis. You don't have to report if you don't want to or aren't ready to, don't let well-meaning people on here or anywhere pressure you - that decision can wait. Stop contact with him. Get support from Rape Crisis.

Don't be confused by the volunteering, if he really does it - sometimes predators do this to cultivate a "good guy" persona.

converseandjeans · 03/05/2020 09:51

Agree with connie he wrote the messages to try to cover himself in case you report him.
Don't have anything else to do with him. He's not a kind person like he is trying to portray.

Eachpeachpearbum · 03/05/2020 09:55

It sounds like you consented to being touched, but not to intercourse. Yes he raped you and the messages he has sent you since have made me feel sick. Whatever you did (kissing/touching/inviting him over/existing in his presence) wasn't the beginning of some runaway train where of course he was entitled to have sex with you. He wasn't. He wasn't entitled to your body in the way he used it. You did not offer it that way. He is talking absolute gaslighting rape apologist bullshit now and no good will come from continuing contact with him. I think any decent man who understood boundaries and consent and learned their partner was uncomfortable after a sexual experience with them would be devastated not trying to justify themselves and rewrite history. Block him on everything immediately, get support from those you trust and from a professional if you feel you need it and then see if you want to take any further action. It really, really wasn't your fault. He's a rapist.

Eachpeachpearbum · 03/05/2020 09:57

Also Ted Bundy volunteered on a rape crisis hotline. Doesn't mean you can't be a bad person or do bad things. Don't get hung up on him 'being a lovely guy'. He's not.

forsucksfake · 03/05/2020 10:05

I am very sorry this man raped you. You didn't "let it happen". It was not your fault at all. I understand your reluctance to report him to the police. That really is up to you. But please, save the text messages just in case you change your mind as your words are evidence of what happened.

There is no way you should have a relationship with this rapist. He is a criminal.

How old are you, OP? You seem very young.

MayFayner · 03/05/2020 10:06

all kinds of things about myself for doing it.

It wasn’t your fault, at all. You did nothing wrong Flowers

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