*trigget warning* my friend told me i was raped. Was i?

[Magiccloud]

I was talking with my best friend about past sexual experiences. I told her about this one guy that told me 'no sex. We arent going to have sex' then immediately started having sex with me without any warning.
I had messaged him before he came checking that he wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he wasn't and that he respected me and just wanted to spend some time with me. Once he arrived he started to make a move quite quickly, i became uncomfortable as was very quick. I tried pushing him away and was not responding. He carried on and i started to get a bit upset as i worried he wasn't going to stop. He noticed and stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. I explained. He said lefts just cuddle up and watch a movie instead. So we did. Only about 2 minutes after putting the tv on he leapt up saying he needed to put a condom on or his shorts wete going to get wet. I thought at the time that he was trying to manipulate the situation but that it wasn't going to work, i still wasn't going to sleep with him. He lay back down with me and cuddled me. He was obviously very excited. He started touching me and i was ok with that. But all of a sudden after a minute or two he flipped me over so he was on top of me. This is when he told me we weren't going to have sex. And then immediately did just that. I was too shocked to say anything. And thought well it's happening now so went along with it. But hs was hurting me and i did tell him over and over. I got a bit distressed at one point but he just kept repositioning me.

Is my friend right? Did he rape me? I feel so bad about letting this happen, i need to understand what it was. I've told myself it was my fault as i let him touch me and i didn't say no (because he told me weren't going to have sex) but maybe I've been looking at it wrong? But that might be because i desperately don't want it to be rape...

OP can you contact Rape Crisis? They can discuss this with you and tell you your options, they also have specialist counselling available. I know you already have a counsellor but you need someone who specialises in trauma and sexual assault.

You could just do a couple of sessions in order to discuss it in a safe space.

Other organisations you may find helpful is Survivor's Trust, who can also provide specialist advice and support.

There's nothing to be ashamed of and may people who work or volunteer in this area, have been through the same thing. No one will judge or shame you or force you to do anything you don't want to do.

OP the Samaritan stuff could be front. I don’t want to trigger anyone but I can immediately think of an abuser/rapist who raised significant funds for a famous hospital.

"The first time he told me it was in the past so why was i bringing it up. It was only a couple of weeks after it happened. A few days later i tried again and he put it all on me, saying i had made him 'instantly hard' and what an amazing night it was I don't think you should be discussing with him. I think it would be better for you to (a) finish with him with a brief text (b) block him and then (c) talk to rape crisis or similar in real life as they would be able to help. I think that it would be best to not have any direct contact with him at all from now, after blocking him, based on what you have said."

This. But for all his truly disgusting attempts to blame you for what happened (and we all feel sick reading about it so it must feel incredibly awful to you having lived it), the fact that you have tried to discuss it with him more than once will have conveyed to him that you know that what he did was deeply, deeply wrong - that it was in fact rape. And I see no harm in him knowing that you know that.

This was most definitely rape. As PP have said: it is not about whether or not you said no (which you did, multiple times), it is about whether or not you gave enthusiastic consent (which you did not).

It's not at all surprising you froze and decided to get it over with. Given the relative strength of men and women, most men could kill most women with their bare hands; the same is not true in reverse. Hence the 'freeze and friend' response that women often use when they feel threatened by a man - because if it comes to an unarmed physical fight, the man will usually win. Of course, the vast majority of men wouldn't dream of harming a woman, but he has already shown himself to be a danger to women. Who knows what he might have done if you'd fought him?

So please don't blame yourself at all for what happened. You are not responsible for his crime. Please be kind to yourself. As part of that, block him and keep him blocked. Try and access specialised counselling if you can.

Keep working on your boundaries. Society has for millennia discouraged women from being assertive about their boundaries - particularly around men. I was raised a feminist by two feminist parents and can still default to smiling and simpering when I should be waving two fingers in the air. So please don't blame yourself.

Also - don't be taken in by people who flaunt their good works. This guy used the fact that he works for The Samaritans (if indeed he does) to manipulate you and make you feel safe with him. Someone has already cited Ted Bundy as working on a rape crisis line. Through my job (I'm a lawyer), I was involved in a fraud case where various of the fraudsters flaunted their charitable activities. Sadly, it can just be a cover.

It is very common for predatory people to look for positions of trust and attempt to create a "pillar of the community" status/persona. It gives them a facade of trustworthiness to try to shortcut people's defences.

I understand what you have said, that to pretend will make you feel better as you can avoid painful feelings. But I do sincerely hope that you find strength and listen to all of us saying that the best thing is to finish with him and then block.

The problem with dealing with people who hurt others without caring is that they will never just stop, realise that what they are doing is wrong and stop, and start to do the right thing and to build relationships in a good way instead. It is almost as though they want to punish other people, even if the other people they hurt have not done anything wrong.

You will get a lot of support from the people on this thread if you finish with him and block.

Incidentally, a man being "instantly hard" does not ever "need" gratification from another person, so that is meaningless nonsense, and we all go through things which feel awful, please believe that if you seek help, things can get better.

You told him you didn't want sex, and he rocked up with party hats. He knew he would be having sex with you that night

What a vile creep.

12345kbm Thank you, I wasn't aware of the Survivors Trust

Dery I'm starting to wonder if he made it up just to gain my trust, which makes me feel sick.

ABlackRussian your comment actually managed to make me laugh, thank you. But yes you are right. He knew what he was coming for.

I think it is slowly starting to sink in. Thank you for all the support, it is helping me so much.

What you must realise about rapists is that most of them are not obviously dangerous men. Rape is so appallingly common that the mythology of rape - evil strangers accosting women in dark alleys - benefits rapists enormously.

How could a man who says nice things and is invited in for a date and volunteers for the Samaritans be a rapist? Because the reality is that most rapists don’t look or behave the way we’re conditioned to believe. This allows the prevalence of rape to be minimised or “explained” away.

Given the ease at which he spouted so much bullshit, it suggests that he had being perfecting his ‘skills’ weren’t.

You didn’t only contend with a skilled manipulator that evening, you had to deal with centuries of men being told that sex is a right and women being told to accept that men have ‘needs’ that we are obliged to meet.

So when you berate yourself for not being stronger, firmer etc. Just remember, as a female, society has set you up to fail and for your attacker to succeed.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

He is not a good person.Cut him out of your life instantly and then decide what you want to do. 💐

WinterAndRoughWeather this is exactly what my brain is struggling with.

As it slowly starts to sink in I'm left with the hope that he didn't realise what he was doing. Because for some reason i still don't want to believe he is a bad person

That’s because you’re a normal person with normal empathetic feelings and you can’t understand how someone can be so deliberately wicked. Cruelty is very difficult to comprehend, but we all know it exists. I suppose it’s hard to believe when we’re actually faced with psychopathic cruelty.

He knew what he was doing, he’s done this before and he’ll do it again.

Have you managed to finish with him and block him? Possibly you could get your friend to help you do this?

this is exactly what my brain is struggling with. As it slowly starts to sink in I'm left with the hope that he didn't realise what he was doing. Because for some reason i still don't want to believe he is a bad person I don't think you are going to be able to make sense of this until you have blocked him and had some time with discuss it with an experienced person in real life. Please get your friend to help you finish with him and block, if you think that would help and then people here will also be able to give really good support.

I messaged him and told him what he did was wrong and why. He called me
and we talked it through. He said neither of us did anything wrong, we both agreed no sex but got caught up in the moment. Saying again how i made the first move. He reluctantly said he was sorry it happened as neither of us planned it to, or something like that. But only after i asked. However, while we were on the phone he sent me a message basically saying it was all me and he is the one that should be worried because we said no sex. He also said that i 'f**d him', after making the first move. This message was set out like it was some kind of legal defense.

This message was set out like it was some kind of legal defense.

He really is a piece of work. He's not going to admit rape and he's making out that it was all on you and keeps saying 'we' as in 'we got carried away' etc He has form OP.

He’s a piece of shit and I bet he’s done this before. Speak to the rape crisis centre and maybe consider speaking to some one at the police. They might have him on record.

Don’t let this suffocate you. I’ve had things happen to me when I was younger. It’s really wasn’t your fault. You went in to submission mode which a hell of a lot of women do. Most date rapes don’t end up with women fighting for their life’s - they end up with the woman feeling confused and upset about what’s just happened. You dealt with it the best way you could. This is on him. Not you

Did you think that you would get him to apologise and admit it or that you would talk about it not being intentional? I really think that no good will come from you talking to him, and I would worry that it might cause more harm.

If you talk to rape crisis they will be able to give really good advice as they will be able to go into more detail with them than you have here, and they will have a lot of experience and would give you advice. I really hope that you can get help and start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

What @12345kbm said. He's done this before and he'll do it again.

If at all possible, avoid discussing it with him any further. He won't admit what he's done and continuing to talk to him about it will only confuse you more and give him more opportunity to spin his lies about what actually happened.

Please cut him out of your life. You're a good person. You can't comprehend what he did but he's clearly a nasty piece of work. If you are able to access some specialist counselling about what happened, I think that could be very helpful to you.

Perhaps also talk to Rape Crisis and see if they have any particular recommendations. In your shoes, I think I would be tempted to report this incident to the police so that, if nothing else, the report is on file should anyone else report a similar experience with him (if that is how these things work). But you should only do that if you want to.

I think i was hoping that he would sound horrified and apologise for misreading the situation. But i got the complete opposite. He gave me a completely fictitious version of events and essentially blamed me, which i guess confirms what everyone has been telling me. He knew what he was doing and is trying to cover hinself.

I'm sorry you went through that phonecall, you don't deserve him hurting you and disappointing you even more. It just shows he cares nothing about your experience or your enjoyment or your feelings. He didn't care about them on the night and he doesn't care about them now and he won't care about them in the future. He isn't going to make you feel better about what happened, please stop searching for that from him if you can. Search for it in the places recommend by PP. He won't define your life. Things can and will be wonderful with time and help.

He will never admit it op.
My exh raped me 2 weeks after having a baby.
I confronted him the next day to his face. He looked shocked I had had the nerve to confront him. Obviously denied it. I was never in any doubt.
Accept the truth op but don't expect him to..
I would contact the police. Even if it leaves a mark against his name. Or maybe there is already one there...

It would certainly be interesting to know if he is already known to the police for something similar.

Windyatthebeach I'm sorry that happened.

I know he will never admit rape, but i thought if it was genuine misunderstanding then he would have responded differently. He just told me how much i wanted it basically.

You can apply for Claire's Law OP. Claire's Law or the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) gives any member of the public the right to ask the police if their partner may pose a risk to them.

Well you know now for sure that he's a gaslighting lying liar.