*trigget warning* my friend told me i was raped. Was i?

[Magiccloud]

I was talking with my best friend about past sexual experiences. I told her about this one guy that told me 'no sex. We arent going to have sex' then immediately started having sex with me without any warning.
I had messaged him before he came checking that he wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he wasn't and that he respected me and just wanted to spend some time with me. Once he arrived he started to make a move quite quickly, i became uncomfortable as was very quick. I tried pushing him away and was not responding. He carried on and i started to get a bit upset as i worried he wasn't going to stop. He noticed and stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. I explained. He said lefts just cuddle up and watch a movie instead. So we did. Only about 2 minutes after putting the tv on he leapt up saying he needed to put a condom on or his shorts wete going to get wet. I thought at the time that he was trying to manipulate the situation but that it wasn't going to work, i still wasn't going to sleep with him. He lay back down with me and cuddled me. He was obviously very excited. He started touching me and i was ok with that. But all of a sudden after a minute or two he flipped me over so he was on top of me. This is when he told me we weren't going to have sex. And then immediately did just that. I was too shocked to say anything. And thought well it's happening now so went along with it. But hs was hurting me and i did tell him over and over. I got a bit distressed at one point but he just kept repositioning me.

Is my friend right? Did he rape me? I feel so bad about letting this happen, i need to understand what it was. I've told myself it was my fault as i let him touch me and i didn't say no (because he told me weren't going to have sex) but maybe I've been looking at it wrong? But that might be because i desperately don't want it to be rape...

I have no doubt that this guy is a serial rapist, his texts are a cover up because he’s worried you will report him for rape, he’s planning his defence and is planting false evidence, so in the event of you reporting him he can say “look I have these texts where I can prove she wanted it!”.

You were raped, you told him he was hurting you he carried on, you told him you didn’t want sex, at no point did you tell him you had changed your mind, he agreed and said “no sex” then forcefully had painful sex with you (raped you) anyway. There is nothing about what he did that was consensual, he knew you didn’t want to have sex with him, he knew what he was doing was not enjoyable for you, he knew he was hurting you because you told him, yet he carried on anyway because he’s a sick rapist who gets off on this. He’s now planting his false evidence and trying to rewrite the story because he’s worried you’re going to report him for rape. Please report this guy, don’t fall for his manipulation and blame yourself, he planned this and is now trying to control you further. If you don’t report him, then please block him at least.

Does telling someone they are hurting you mean the same as saying no or telling them to stop? No I don't think it does mean the same thing, it will depend. I am not commenting on what happened to you, but in general, telling a man he is hurting you could mean he is in the wrong position or it could mean you want him to stop. My husband is over six foot and very strong and I have only ever had consensual sex with him but have quite often told him he is hurting me, and each time I mean reposition. If I wanted him to stop I would push him out by pushing on his tummy and say "can you stop". Again, I am not saying that this should change the way you see this situation at all, I am just answering your question.

OP keep all his texts as evidence in case you want it at a later date but you now need to block him. You can export his texts messages onto your PC using a usb cable. Look it up online.

He is gaslighting you. Gaslighting is where an abuser makes out that something happened that didn't. Him saying words like 'making love' and telling you it was 'beautiful' is gaslighting and manipulation.

He sounds like a sociopath and you really need to block all contact now. You'll find that you can think better once you're no longer in communication.

When we experience something traumatic we can dissociate. That's the feeling you're experiencing where it feels as though people are talking about someone else. It's trauma.

I agree with a pp, it doesn't matter if you were being full on, if you said stop or no or tried to pull away or something else similar and it was clear you wanted him to stop then he should have stopped.

I agree with @12345kbm - excellent advice - block him.

But this is where i struggle, because i never actually said no. I let him know before he came that that wasn't what i wanted and he reassured me just wanted us to have a drink and a chat. When he first started to make a move i was uncomfortable and tried to push him away but he didn't seem to notice, until i was visibly upset. At which point he stopped. When he made his next move i didn't object. So this is what i think i did wrong. It was only a couple of minutes between him first touching me to him being on top me reassuring me that we weren't going to have sex. So i didn't say anything as i didn't think i needed to. After it was happening i did tell him he was hurting me several times and he kept repositioning me. But i never told him no. That is why i struggle so much with this. I might be branding him a rapist when he simply misunderstood

i never told him no

You never told him yes 💐

He didn't misunderstand. He didn't get consent. Its consent that's the key not whether you said no.
Its why yes means yes is the rule, not no means no. In fact it's enthusiastic consent. Please look that up.
One little two letter word doesn't change this from a misunderstanding to rape and if it's missing you are branding him wrongly. There are so many other ways this was non-consensual for you.
I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you and we could talk for as long as you want about this and you could ask all the questions you have and air all the doubts.

It does not sound good whether you said "no" or not and if I were in your shoes I would not contact him again, and block him, and talk more to your friend in real life.

But this is where i struggle, because i never actually said no.

you said NO, and he knew and raped you anyway:

I let him know before he came that that wasn't what i wanted

you said NO here

When he first started to make a move i was uncomfortable and tried to push him away but he didn't seem to notice,

you said NO here quite clearly

until i was visibly upset

visibly upset also means No

• even if he briefly stopped after that, he continued to pressure you into having sex.

this is rape

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

please find a therapist to chat to IRL, it is horrible, unjust and cruel what he did to you. Find the help you need.

OP he raped you. It wasn't a misunderstanding.

Freezing is a common trauma response. It's your mind's way of protecting yourself, not knowing what will happen if you fight back. You thought to yourself, 'let's just get this over with' which is self protection. Your mind found the best way of protecting your during a traumatic and violent assault.

You don't actually need to say, 'no' for it to be called rape. You had already made it clear that you did not want sex. His motivation for coming to your place was rape, not sex. He didn't want consensual sex with you, he wanted non consensual sex. He had already put on a condom in order to sexually assault you. The condom was not STD protection or pregnancy, it was to conceal potential DNA evidence.

He is sending you messages as evidence and he is maintaining a relationship with you ie keeping the communication going, meeting with you, in order to build evidence. His defence will be - Why did she continue to talk to me and meet up with me if I raped her? Look at all these messages where we talk about making love and what a beautiful experience we had. Where's your physical evidence? -

He's already thought all this through and may already have a record or been questioned for rape before.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please believe us that none of this was your fault.

I had a similar experience - it took me years to realise that I didn't consent and that it was rape. Well done on realising much quicker than me xxx

@Magiccloud.... This man knew exactly what he was doing. He came to your place with the express intention of having sex with you. Whether you consented or not. You did not consent. He was perfectly aware that you did not want him to have sex with you, but he carried on regardless. He took advantage of your confusion. He knew that you would not be strong enough - physically, mentally or emotionally - to resist. Please accept that there is nothing you could have done to prevent him from raping you once he was in your flat.

You were raped. This is the horrible truth.

Please block him.
Continue with your counselling.
Talk to Rape Crisis.
Read those books I suggested on page 1 of this thread.

And keep talking to us here if it helps.

The tiny little two letter word 'no' is not the only line between rape and not rape. Its consent that is that line and so much of what he did was non-consensual.
Its why enthusiastic consent is key. Its along the same line of using 'yes means yes' rather than 'no means no'.
Ask yourself why he isn't at home going over and over all the things he said and did to see if he did something wrong, why isn't he thinking 'well I did say no sex and then did it anyway', 'she did say she didn't want to do that but I did it anyway', 'she was in pain but I carried on anyway', 'I did say I was putting on the condom for another reason but I knew it was because I wanted to have sex', 'I never actually asked her if she was happy to do this with me'.
Why isn't he tearing himself apart over this? Why has he completely shot you down when you said you were uncomfortable with what happened rather than listening to you? Why isn't he desperately trying to make sense of it all?
Because he doesn't care about consent. It doesn't hold any value for him. It doesn't matter to him. He didn't value it then and he hasn't valued it since. There's a word for people who completely disregard consent - rapists.

Thank you, talking here is really helping me to sort my head out.

And yes, i did just want it over with

Eachpeachpearbum that really hit home.

If he really thought you wanted to have sex, why did he have to reassure you that he wasn't going to have sex with you moments before he raped you? That to me does not sound like the actions of someone picking up any mixed signals (that you clearly weren't giving out or why try to reassure you?) Maybe you should try ringing a rape crisis line to talk to someone who is trained in this area but what you are feeling is not uncommon. I was lucky and managed to push my would be rapist off me and threatened to scream (only went to protect a uni mate from going back to a flat with 2 guys being told the girls would be together) at first I froze, then fought. Ended up with teeth marks on the sole of my foot, how that can be mistaken for I want sex i dont know but that was what he said to the police, he thought I wanted it, he stopped when I said no (clearly, you get teeth marks on the sole of your foot when fighting someone off who is respecting your no!) It was hard to come to terms with what happened to me and I was lucky that I wasn't actually raped so can imagine how you're feeling. Gentle hugs if you want them

singlemummanurse I'm sorry that happened to you. And you mske a very good point, why did he reassure me if he had no intention of having sex with me. I hadn't thought of it like that

I remembered that i did say no at one point when he was trying to put me in a position i didn't want to be in. Something kind of woke up inside of me and I did start telling him no, along with you're hurting me. He kept trying anyway then moved me into another position again. When he finished i was relieved that it was over. But he immediately wanted more. I'm sure i told him again that it was hurting. He said pain/pleausre. I said it was just pain. He kind of laughed it off and carried on. He then wanted a third time but i did say a firm no this time. He wasn't very happy about that. He left very shortly after.

Oh OP, you poor little pet.
I am so sorry for you.
So hard to read this.

You are completely blameless.

He is a very very bad man.

You were raped by a truly bad man.

He knows well what he planned to do and what he did.

Those messages are truly shocking.
He knew what he did and wants to cover his arse.

One thing that i would like to say and I really don't wish to upset you.

Even if you don't wish to pursue him via the law, you CAN log this with the police.

You can be sure you are NOT the first and you won't be the last.

But, if you lig with the police exactly what happened, but don't go forwatd, they still have your statement on file.

The next woman who this happens to, because their will be a next time....this gives the police and this woman extra support and knowledge.

He is a very dangerous man with a definite MOT of how he behaves.

You will get through this.
You absolutely were not in the wrong.
Wishing you strength

billy1966 thank you, horrible to think that he planned it 😥

God what a vile person. Please find a safe person to be with and tell the police. I bet you any money he's done this before.
Sorry this happened to you. So horrible.

I feel so bad about letting this happen

You didn't let it happen he violently raped you, physically manoeuvring you into position and then lying and said he wasn't going to do it and then immediately doing it.

I'm afraid it's rape in every way..

How old are you, OP? You seem very young

@forsucksfake Women of any age can find it hard to admit to themselves/realize that they've been a victim of sexual crime.

He's a vile predator who planned it. Like others said, he's clearly done this before.

He acted like a rabid dog from when he got there and didn't let up.

A good guy would have come over and watched tv with you as agreed.

He a dangerous predator

I bet he does this everytime. Did you know him beforehand or was it an online date? Doesn’t matter but makes me wonder if this is how he meets women for sex.