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Original poster

*trigget warning* my friend told me i was raped. Was i?

126 replies

Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 08:10

I was talking with my best friend about past sexual experiences. I told her about this one guy that told me 'no sex. We arent going to have sex' then immediately started having sex with me without any warning.
I had messaged him before he came checking that he wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he wasn't and that he respected me and just wanted to spend some time with me. Once he arrived he started to make a move quite quickly, i became uncomfortable as was very quick. I tried pushing him away and was not responding. He carried on and i started to get a bit upset as i worried he wasn't going to stop. He noticed and stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. I explained. He said lefts just cuddle up and watch a movie instead. So we did. Only about 2 minutes after putting the tv on he leapt up saying he needed to put a condom on or his shorts wete going to get wet. I thought at the time that he was trying to manipulate the situation but that it wasn't going to work, i still wasn't going to sleep with him. He lay back down with me and cuddled me. He was obviously very excited. He started touching me and i was ok with that. But all of a sudden after a minute or two he flipped me over so he was on top of me. This is when he told me we weren't going to have sex. And then immediately did just that. I was too shocked to say anything. And thought well it's happening now so went along with it. But hs was hurting me and i did tell him over and over. I got a bit distressed at one point but he just kept repositioning me.

Is my friend right? Did he rape me? I feel so bad about letting this happen, i need to understand what it was. I've told myself it was my fault as i let him touch me and i didn't say no (because he told me weren't going to have sex) but maybe I've been looking at it wrong? But that might be because i desperately don't want it to be rape...

OP posts:
Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 10:23

FlowerArranger yes I do need to work on my boundaries. I have just started counselling.

Puds11 yes he bought a pack of 3 condoms with him

OP posts:
Rockdown2020 · 03/05/2020 10:24

The messages he sent you are horrendous. Not only does he know exactly what he’s done but to cover his tracks after is disgusting.

Please seek help and advice that can help you come to terms with what happened. You were very clear about what you didn’t want. Also he didn’t stop when you told him he was hurting you. I’m so glad your friend is supporting you and you have someone to talk to about this in real life. Flowers

12345kbm · 03/05/2020 10:26

That was rape OP. Unwanted sexual touching, for example, touching your breasts or crotch, is sexual assault. Unwanted sex whether coerced or forced, is rape. It's even rape if you initially consent and then change your mind but he doesn't stop.

You were very clear that you didn't want sex and he held you down and raped you. He put on a condom because he was planning on raping you and I have no doubt, that he's got form ie he's a serial rapist.

Rape Crisis have a chat line which, as far as I know, is still open. You can chat with them and ask for confirmation that it is rape. You can find your local Rape Crisis here, if you're in England or Wales.

There's more information here if you need it.

.

You did nothing wrong. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 10:48

Thank you everyone. Its a lot to take in. My head is a bit of a mess right now. I'm still desperately trying to make it something else. I feel so stupid. I never normally let anyone in my house until i know them much better. I can't believe i was so stupid. Still feel a bit disgusted with myself 😥

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/05/2020 10:57

Of course your head is in a mess right now. Don't try to process everything and make sense of it all at once. It is too overwhelming. Give it time. The counselling will help.

Don't even try to make it something else. You did not consent. It was rape.

You were not stupid - you were too trusting.

It's all too common for victims of rape to blame themselves and feel disgusted with themselves. Do talk to Rape Crisis. They will help you process these feelings and give you the tools to understand that this was not your fault and there is nothing that justifies these feelings of disgust.

category12 · 03/05/2020 10:57

Sorry, this link is better: medium.com/the-nib/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6

SimpleKindofLife · 03/05/2020 11:00

Don't you dare feel disgusted with yourself @Magiccloud! He was absolutely in the wrong and there are no grey areas here, it was 100% rape. I'm so sorry Thanks

I bet the 'we're not having sex' line has been trotted out by him many times. Evil bastard.

Be disgusted with him! Cut contact immediately. Talk to the wonderful organisations that people have mentioned here.

SimpleKindofLife · 03/05/2020 11:05

I think the tea analogy is brilliant @12345kbm

Do they show this in secondary schools? If not, they should. I'll be showing my dc when they're older.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 11:15

category12 thank you, I really relate to what she is saying about trying to turn it into a different story. To my shame I even saw him again after this because i thought that if I could make it into a relationship then i could make what happened into something else.

OP posts:
minemineminemine · 03/05/2020 11:22

OP you didn't do anything wrong. It's probably hard to see that now.
He did the bad thing here, not you.
I'm glad you're getting counselling and it sounds like you have a good friend Thanks

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 11:46

But what if I genuinely made him think somehow that I wanted sex? What if he just mis read the situation?

OP posts:
category12 · 03/05/2020 11:53

Flowers OP, it's not an unusual response to try to turn it into something else, as that link kinda explains, I'm glad you could relate. And you know what, you don't have to call it rape if you don't want to, or aren't ready to. But you do need to protect yourself from him and end contact.

He came over for sex. He had no intention of listening to you about no sex. He is gaslighting you.

Windyatthebeach · 03/05/2020 11:54

He took condoms.
He knew he was having sex that night....
You gave off zero wrong signals.
If you can't report him right now at least block him.

12345kbm · 03/05/2020 12:11

He didn't misread the situation. He's a sexual predator. I don't understand why you're disgusted with yourself as he's the criminal here. He's the one manipulating his way into women's houses and sexually assaulting them. He's the one sending texts as evidence in case you report him for rape. He's the one putting on condoms in order to conceal evidence.

He knew what he was doing and he gets off on non consensual sex. I have no doubt his laptop is full of violent degrading porn.

Rape happens because men rape. Women are often raped by someone they know: friends, colleagues, relatives and of course, their husbands and partners. These are people they know and trust, not strangers lurking in alleyways late at night.

You're not a rapist piece of shit and you have nothing to feel disgusted about.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 12:45

He does actually watch a huge amount of porn, so maybe you are right....

OP posts:
Puds11 · 03/05/2020 13:34

The bastard. He brought condoms. He intended to rape you.

You did nothing wrong! Decent men who are not rapists ensure you are willing to proceed before they do anything. They do not bring condoms to a house where the person has said they do not want sex. You did not lead him on, you did not wear the wrong clothes or say the wrong thing. He is a rapist. That is 100% of the issue.

eurochick · 03/05/2020 13:42

What an arsehole. The messages the next morning were supposed to be his defence if you reported him. He knew it was rape.

Hoggleludo · 03/05/2020 13:44

No means no

He raped you. He raped you repeatedly after you said no. I would contact the police. Regardless of how long it's been

I feel the police did an amazing thing about tea and consent. I believe many people here voiced how bad it was. But I thought it was good.

However. The law is very clear. She'd without consent it rape

Hoggleludo · 03/05/2020 13:47

From your update

He's a very dangerous person. He's a narcissist. He's a rapist. He's also done the classic line of putting himself in a well respected role

As a person. He would make a good subject. He's literally the poster boy for serial raspiest. Ted Bundy was the same. Intelligent. Well rounded. Good looking.

I studied these people.

Keep away from him please. I beg of you. Cut contact. Tell someone. Anyone. A friend. But someone who could connect the 2 if possible. Tell your friend his name. He address and exactly what he looks like.

Hoggleludo · 03/05/2020 13:48

@Eachpeachpearbum cross post from me

I stated about ted bundy

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 13:55

I didn't know that about Ted Bundy. That is scary.

I don't think I'm dealing with this very well. I'm struggling to make sense of any of it. I understand what everyone is saying, but its like no one is actually talking about me. It must be about what happened to someone else.

Does telling someone they are hurting you mean the same as saying no or telling them to stop?

OP posts:
Hoggleludo · 03/05/2020 13:55

Also

It's not you. It's not you thinking. It's not your head

That's also him. He's made you think like that. He had made it seem like what he did was not wrong. Nothing. Not even your thoughts about this are you!!!!

Even the thoughts are his doing. His making

Don't let
Him win

Original poster
Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 13:59

That actually makes sense. He has told ne how it was something beautiful, when to me it wasn't

OP posts:
Hoggleludo · 03/05/2020 14:01

@magic

Right. Even if he did misread it

Even if you were fully naked when you opened the door to him. You were all over him. Even if you were on top of him rolling. Tearing his clothes off

Even if you were both touching. Even if you were both really into it. Even if you were both fully prepared to have sex. Both agreed for him to go out the condoms on. As you licked him

Even if you thought. Yes. Yes let's have sex

If he penetrated you and you suddenly changed his mind. Yet he carried on. It's rape!!!!!!

Even if you were happy for a good 2 mins having sex. Then suddenly decided. Nah. Don't want this and Said. Not sure this is for me. Yet he didn't stop. That's rape

Even if you were swinging from the chandeliers. And the. Suddenly decided you changed your mind and said no

Even if you were 20 mins in. And decided. Nope. Don't want this and said at least once. Yet he subsequently carried on. It's rape

You said no. No. No. You didn't even want sex. So you couldn't of led him on!!!

You can't lead someone on for them to rape you. It's impossible. Because rape is very clear.

Regardless. It's rape.

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