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Original poster

*trigget warning* my friend told me i was raped. Was i?

126 replies

Magiccloud · 03/05/2020 08:10

I was talking with my best friend about past sexual experiences. I told her about this one guy that told me 'no sex. We arent going to have sex' then immediately started having sex with me without any warning.
I had messaged him before he came checking that he wasn't expecting anything to happen. He said he wasn't and that he respected me and just wanted to spend some time with me. Once he arrived he started to make a move quite quickly, i became uncomfortable as was very quick. I tried pushing him away and was not responding. He carried on and i started to get a bit upset as i worried he wasn't going to stop. He noticed and stopped what he was doing and asked what was wrong. I explained. He said lefts just cuddle up and watch a movie instead. So we did. Only about 2 minutes after putting the tv on he leapt up saying he needed to put a condom on or his shorts wete going to get wet. I thought at the time that he was trying to manipulate the situation but that it wasn't going to work, i still wasn't going to sleep with him. He lay back down with me and cuddled me. He was obviously very excited. He started touching me and i was ok with that. But all of a sudden after a minute or two he flipped me over so he was on top of me. This is when he told me we weren't going to have sex. And then immediately did just that. I was too shocked to say anything. And thought well it's happening now so went along with it. But hs was hurting me and i did tell him over and over. I got a bit distressed at one point but he just kept repositioning me.

Is my friend right? Did he rape me? I feel so bad about letting this happen, i need to understand what it was. I've told myself it was my fault as i let him touch me and i didn't say no (because he told me weren't going to have sex) but maybe I've been looking at it wrong? But that might be because i desperately don't want it to be rape...

OP posts:
Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 08:42

Coffeeandbeans i met him online

OP posts:
Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 08:52

Which is why i feel so disgusted with myself i think. He was pretty much a stranger to me and i did that with him 😥

OP posts:
doodlesurvey · 04/05/2020 09:03

Have you blocked him, OP?

Coffeeandbeans · 04/05/2020 09:05

I think you should report him to the police and also to the dating website. I bet he does this all the time and could be raping 100s of women. Do not be ashamed. You trusted him. He is obviously very very clever and manipulative.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 09:08

doodlesurvey not yet, i feel i need to give him some sort of explanation. He thinks we are in a relationship, which initially i was happy with as i felt i could make it into something else if we were in a relationship, i thought i would feel less disgusted with myself. But turns out i don't. Even though I'm desperately trying to make it just a misunderstanding.

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category12 · 04/05/2020 09:18

You didn't want to have sex with him. Don't feel disgusted with yourself, you didn't want it.

You don't owe him an explanation of why you want to stop contact.

Love, he bulldozed through your boundaries and had sex with you, knowing it hurt you and wasn't what you wanted. He has pretended you initiated everything and gaslit you to hell. You owe him fuck all.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/05/2020 09:21

He raped you, Magiccloud. Don't blame yourself. Not for an instant. There was no misunderstanding or mixed signals. He raped you deliberately and now he's sending dishonest texts in an attempt to cover his tracks. If you can bring yourself to do so, please reply to him saying "You raped me. You know you did and now you're trying to pretend I consented. "

Eachpeachpearbum · 04/05/2020 09:23

Just checking in to see how you are today @magiccloud Just saw your last message. Your next steps are totally up to you but I would advise you to speak to police (if you feel able to, I agree with PP about logging it even if you don't feel you can take it further arm) before saying anything to him. You don't owe him an explanation no matter what he thinks the circumstances are of your relationship, but even if you want to say something I think doing it after logging it is better. They could help you do that even. It also shows that you are doing this while still in the relationship, not after, which I think adds strength to your claim (not that you need it). Does that make sense? But you do whatever feels right for you. This is just advice, don't feel pressure. I think you're being very brave and resourceful currently. Its a huge testament to your strength that you are facing this as you are.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 09:38

Eachpeachpearbum thank you for checking on me and for the advice. Telling the police sounds very scary and would mean that i can't keep pretending that it didn't happen, which is still a tempting option. Though i do obviously want to stop him from doing this to anyone else. But to be honest I'm not sure that reporting him would achieve that.

category12 thank you. Logically i understand this. I would say the same thing to someone eise. I just need to understand that this applies to me also.

Prawnofthepatriarchy that is a very good message, not sure I'm brave enough yet but i would love to be able to do that.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/05/2020 10:02

Think about giving Rape Crisis a ring today, maybe?

CorianderLord · 04/05/2020 10:17

Oh love, it sounds pretty clear to me that he knew you didn't want to have sex. You were very clear. Consent does not mean being bullied into it and silent acceptance - a lot of women go into shock or freeze in such situations and the law aims to reflect this.

I would second giving Rape Crisis a call.

Windmillwhirl · 04/05/2020 10:32

What an absolute creep.

I'd be inclined to tell him you are reporting what he did. It will send him into a tailspin.

Please get the support you need. This was not your fault. He went to see you knowing he would be having sex even though you made if clear it's not what you wanted.

Filthy creep.

BigFatSoo · 04/05/2020 10:46

Even if you decide not to report him, text him back “I don’t understand why you keep insinuating that we had consensual sex. You raped me” and I bet he’ll leave you alone 💐

Tavannach · 04/05/2020 10:51

Block him now. That closes one door.
Then call your local Rape Crisis Centre.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not in any way responsible for his behaviour.
Flowers

Eachpeachpearbum · 04/05/2020 10:58

@Prawnofthepatriarchy that message...yes

category12 · 04/05/2020 11:01

OP, even if you've gone along with his narrative of what happened so far, it doesn't negate your experience. It's not that uncommon for women to continue relationships after rape - it's a way of avoiding confronting him and the reality of it, and trying to make it normal for themselves, and not be "victims". As per The Nib's breakfast strip. Please be kind to yourself, as you would be to a friend. There's no correct way to react to a rape.

And remember, you're allowed to end a relationship just because.

You can just tell him "this isn't going to work out, please don't contact me anymore" and block him.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 11:22

category12 that's exactly what I've been trying to do. It was easier than acknowledging how i really felt about what happened.

Thank you everyone for the support. It's hugely appreciated. My head still feels like scrambled egg

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yellasubmarine · 04/05/2020 11:23

Sorry, I had a namechange fail.

You can just tell him "this isn't going to work out, please don't contact me anymore" and block him

I agree with this. He already knows you had worries about what happened as you have talked to him about it? Like a pp has said, it is going to be very difficult for you to process this unless you block him and have no contact. You can spend time thinking about it, talking to Rape Crisis as per a pp suggestion and to your friend in real life. While you carry on as you are, you won't be able to see clearly or process or move on. I hope that you can find the strength to do this.

FlowerArranger · 04/05/2020 11:31

Please, @Magiccloud, speak to Rape Crisis. Or the Samaritans. But please do it. You will feel so much better once you have been able to offload some of this horrible conflicting emotions that are scrambling your brain. Flowers

And please accept that you absolutely, definitely, do not need to give him any kind of explanation. Just block him.

ConkerGame · 04/05/2020 11:38

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. For potential evidence needed in future, I would reply to him saying you weren’t up for it, it wasn’t beautiful - it was horrible and painful and you don’t understand why he didn’t stop when you asked him to. This would be for evidence in case it’s needed.

Then I would message to say you don’t want to see or hear from him again and if you do you’ll call the police. Then block him. He is a very bad person and is clearly a danger to you (and other women). I would call a rape crisis centre and then report to the police if you feel strong enough to.

I would then start counselling, both to deal with the trauma from this event and to strengthen your sense of what is wrong in future. I’m very glad you have your friend IRL to talk to as well - she sounds lovely.

Please don’t blame yourself. He did this to you because he wanted to and he pre-planned it. You trusted him and he broke that trust - that is not your fault in any way.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 11:50

FlowerArranger thank you. He told me volunteers for the samaritans, this is one of the parts i find most disturbing.

yellasubmarine yes I did try talking to him about it. The first time he told me it was in the past so why was i bringing it up. It was only a couple of weeks after it happened. A few days later i tried again and he put it all on me, saying i had made him 'instantly hard' and what an amazing night it was.

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Eachpeachpearbum · 04/05/2020 12:54

He makes me 'instantly full of violent rage' doesn't give me the right to assault him.

yellasubmarine · 04/05/2020 12:54

OP you met him online and haven't know him long and you don't know him well, and you will not be able to unravel this for yourself unless and until you stop communication with him and block him, and so it does seem that you sending him a message saying that you are sorry but it isn't working for you and you would like to end it and then blocking him is the right way forward? If you don't do this, you run the risk of getting more confused about it. Do you think you are strong enough to do this? You could then talk it through with rape crisis who will be able to help you.

yellasubmarine · 04/05/2020 13:05

The first time he told me it was in the past so why was i bringing it up. It was only a couple of weeks after it happened. A few days later i tried again and he put it all on me, saying i had made him 'instantly hard' and what an amazing night it was I don't think you should be discussing with him. I think it would be better for you to (a) finish with him with a brief text (b) block him and then (c) talk to rape crisis or similar in real life as they would be able to help. I think that it would be best to not have any direct contact with him at all from now, after blocking him, based on what you have said.

Original poster
Magiccloud · 04/05/2020 16:16

yellasubmarine yes i probably shouldn't have tried talking to him but it was easier than facing what actually happened. Trouble is, I'm not feeling strong at the moment, so it's much easier to continue to pretend

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