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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ending an affair before it starts

335 replies

notabadperson · 16/09/2007 23:11

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

OP posts:
peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 10:48

sorry to bring this up again. Just saw this thread, and think I'm in the same situation

SlapDashMum · 02/10/2008 11:22

Peanut, what stage are you at? Just met OM?, just been unfaithful?, Just split up from OM? Want to tell us what is happening so we can try to help?

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 13:38

have known OM for about a year now, I work with him. we have been txting each other for a year now....... and have seen each other on and off. I don't think he will leave his wife. i know it's very hurtful. we both think that we are each other's soulmate. and we both don't want to walk away. i haven;t been happy with my dh since for the past 1.5yrs. there is no emotional feeling, like i feel with OM.

pamelat · 02/10/2008 13:42

I know you might not want to but I think (from some experience) that you might be best to tell your DH now.

Obviously only you know your DH. I think that once its "out in the open" and you will only be saying that you are a bit scared as you have had feelings for someone else but dont want to act on them, then it will

  1. stop anything happen between you and said man.
  2. ensure that your DH is aware of any problems (if there are any) in your relationship
  3. you will feel bad (you sound like a nice person) and you will make it up to DH

UNLESS you can just stop it now. Please don't go there, its not worth breaking so many peoples hearts

How would your DH handle it if you told him so far?

pamelat · 02/10/2008 13:44

really sorry, just realised that this thread is old??

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 13:48

he would be very upset. I feel like I will be staying in this marriage for the rest of my life, out of obligation. As he financially supports me. stayed in this country for the sake of me (he's from another country). He's a good guy on the surface. But he treats me badly at times. We've had our arguments since dd was born. and he swears at me if I tell him how to look after dd. it's breaking my heart.. not with just OM.. but that I can find happiness out there.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 13:49

i found this thread.. as I wondered how nabp was doing.. as I feel I may be going something similar.. apologies for picking an old thread.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:27

PBJ

Please dont do this - i have been the wife! and believe me is destroys so many lives that dont deserve it. My h has stayed - and yes he did tell ow she was soulmate, if they had met another time....blah blah blah....the usual lies.
If you really are his soulmate he will leave his wife for you and you your partner for him.
BUT and it is a big BUT you wont because deep down you know it is not real - it may feel it right now and i am not saying you dont have feeling for each other but they are based on nothing more than escapism.
Like reading a book or watching a film or in fact a dream - they can evoke deep feelings that seem real.

If it was just you two that got hurt it would matter less but you do know that he is allowing his wife to build her future on lies too. If there are children it is even messier - then there are all the relatives, friends neighbours collegues that have to be faced.

If it is real lasting love and you can face living with yourself knowing you have caused pain then carry on and make it happen and tell the world as real love should be celebrated - if you know it is just a fantasy that has got out of hand do everything you can to stop it now because it is not just harmless fun and you do know that.

I am not being judgemental just giving you my experience.

SlapDashMum · 02/10/2008 14:34

What you should do depends on whether you think your marriage is bad enough for you to split up. If you want to stay with DH you must find a way to end it with OM.

If you don't want to stay with DH the right thing to do would be to split up with him first before getting into things with someone else. Plus, OM is married so for this reason you must end it with OM. It will be hard to live with yourself if you do this to another woman - ruin her relationship.

I know these are really obvious things to say and it isn't just easy to do them. But I do think you need to make a decision - do you want to stay with DH and this is the first decision you should make. You should consider staying with DH and cheating on him NOT to be an option if you want to feel good about yourself long term and for the good of all the people involved who don't deserve to be hurt.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:35

PBJ - please do not stay out of obligation. Is that what you would want anyone to do for you.
Also do not think that just because you are with your h for that reason that om is staying with his wife out of duty or for the children.
IME and i have spoken to lots of wives now about this the man will still be telling his wife how much he loves her - he does not have to do this remember.
My h says he never stopped loving me during his affair but he did allow the ow to 'think' the worst of me and he did not correct her as he did not want conflict in that relationship. The conflict of course came when she wanted him to choose her over me - which did not happen.

Your om will not choose you unless he wants too and i think that means he loves his wife more. Not in the exciting newlove firework way but in the real lasting problem solving way. Sorry harsh but true.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:37

well said SDM.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 14:37

thks Happywoman. you are right... and I know that. your words really mean alot... but if not for OM.. I can imagine leaving dh someday.. and being happy. But we have a dd together.. and I feel I'm betraying my dd. And I know if dh and I parted.. dh wouldn't want to be stuck here in a country he doesn't want to be.. but would have to for the sake of his dd. I wish life was simpler.. that friends, relatives.. neighbours wouldn't judge. It's very difficult, as I work with OM.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 14:41

your advice is all true. but it's so hard.. Om and I have been in tears abt this. I know the only way, is if I went cold turkey... AND moved companies. But in the financial times, that we are in.. I cannot move jobs.. which means seeing him everyday. it hurts alot.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 14:45

Om has been a very understanding person.. and was such a support when I was pregnant.. and even now. and we understand each other on another level deep down. I think to put things in perspective.. I was raped when I was a teenager.. and my DH said sorry.. but maybe I did something to provoke it. when I told OM abt it.. he supported me through it.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:48

Hey we all wish life was simpler. I too wish others wouldnt judge.
I suspect the ow and anyone she knows probably thinks of me as a hideous old hag who must have some hold on h that they cannot see. That we must have had a problem in the marriage for there to have been an affair in the first place, and that i must be a fool to stay with someone who i now know to be a liar and a cheat.

Life is not simple - i was determined that we did not stay together for the wrong reasons - dcs, money, or fear. It has been hard work.

Could you not move jobs - if you want your marriage to work you must do what it takes - however hard that is. However if you do want to end your marriage i hope you find the courage to do it in a gracious decent way (if there is one) and not drag innoccent people into it.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 14:56

maybe you told om in a differnt way - and maybe you heard what you wanted.
Again not being harsh - but om can be supportive because he does not have all the other baggage of his life to contend with.

I remeber my h saying he felt wanted as ow met him from airport - i didnt even know what flight he was on and actually i was home looking after his children so he could go on his bussiness trip. Of course ow could give him something i couldnt - i was keeping the rest of his f*** life afloat.
This om seems to be so understanding because he doesnt really have to deal with it. If he is not prepared to leave his wife it is because you are not providing him with as much as she is - sorry.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 15:00

you are so right HWoman. especially your last sentence. I need to decide what I want to do in my life. BUT isn't it being selfish to my dd, to break a marriage.. that's why I think I should stay for her sake.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 15:21

please dont stay in an unfurfilling marriage for your dd.
My parents i am sure stuck together for the sake of children - i am sure of it now but darent ask iyswim.

There is little love between my parents and never really was.

My dm is now pretty much disabled and my df is her carer. it is horrible to see my dad 'trapped' out of duty caring for a woman who seems to almost hate him. She could have left him years ago (as could my dad of course). I think they were both too scared of being responsible for a broken home.

I was determined to make sure i did not stay with my h because of the children. Of course no-one wants to bring up children without one of their parents but believe me being a child in a marriage that was not happy is not nice either.

It may be too late for your marriage but please do not destroy his or have any part in it.
I know lots of people say you do not have a responsibility to his wife but she a person the same as you or i and it could so easily have been me.

He may be telling you the truth - you may be his soulmate..... but he could also be just telling you this to get what he wants a no strings fling - after all you know he is a liar as he is not being honest with his wife.

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 15:22

I would not ever actually thank the ow - but out of all this mess i have learnt to do what i want now - please see this as a wake up call and have the courage to do what YOU want now.

peanutbutterjelly · 02/10/2008 15:56

this has been a wake up call. I think it would be better for my dh to find someone deserving of him. But I'm struggling to break a marriage for the sake of my dd. So, yes, two prblms here. 1) end it with OM, 2) decide what I want to do with my marriage to dh. Maybe I should suggest counselling. don't think my dh will be up to this..

HappyWoman · 02/10/2008 16:08

show me a man who is.
Although my h is a bit addicted now - but it took a lot to get him to go in the first place.

Try and remember the good things about your h, at the moment the om good points are highlighting all your h bad points.

Good luck

pamelat · 02/10/2008 18:06

Hi peanutbutterjelly

Just realised that this post is now about you, sorry for jumping in earlier after reading initial post.

I do think that its 2 separate issues. I dont think that you should stay with DH out of any obligation, thats unfair on both of you and on your children in the long term. Maybe its something that you can work out together.

Other man is separate really. I would stand completely back from him, do what you need to do with your own marriage.

Its easy for the other man to say the right stuff (and make your DH look bad) when he isnt the one living reality with you.

Try to think of other mans wife. I know its hard but she is a real person, she may love him very much?

8oreighty · 02/10/2008 18:12

I had this problem too...I just remember my best friend looking at me and saying "stop. just stop. now." and it made sense...but when I last saw him and said goodbye I actually felt physically sick! I thought I was going to be sick. And I love my husband, loads...it was just a freak thing...it can happen to anyone. You just have to try to remain in control.

pamelat · 02/10/2008 19:01

Its the whole "falling in love" hormone thing that you will get with a new person.

Real love is what is left after that has gone. I dont think that the "falling" in love feeling will go unless you live together, when it may not be as green as you may imagine.

peanutbutterjelly · 03/10/2008 10:11

you are all so right! I know I'm being very stupid. but.. I know there shouldn't be a but... but when there is a small chance of happy even for a few minutes..by txting.. i seem to grab at it.. it's like blady moth to a flame.
i don't want to break up our marriage.. it will be great mess... but then as Pamelat said.. I can't live in a marriage of obligation.. but my poor dd.. that's what breaks my heart the most.. to be away fm her own father if we parted