ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

But if your h found out you would lose any control you have over the situation - he will make you look bad and you wont have any defence at all - is that what you want - because eventually someone will find out be it your h or om wife and that is then a huge mess that you cannot control.

Please sort out your marriage it will either work out and there will be no need for om or it will not and then if om is not tied you can do what you want.

Any divorce i imagine is awful and will hurt others but you do have the choice about just how much fallout there could be.

You may also want that 'excitment' about being found out.

I started an inappropriate email/texting relationship with someone about 5 months ago.
About 5 weeks ago DH found out (by laying a trap which I fell into.)
I severed contact with OM and attempted to build bridges with DH, being honest about the extent of the 'relationship'. There were some fairly fruity messages, one meeting (in public), a few kisses and that was it.
Last week I had a text from OM to say that DH had emailed him. I flew off the handle, demanding to know WTF. DH said he doesn't believe my version of events and wanted to meet OM to check facts.
The up-shot is that DH has been living at FIL's house ever since. The DCs know we've "fallen out", but seem to be handling it ok.
I am not in contact with OM.
My problem is that I'm quite happy without DH around, but I know that he's very unhappy. I don't know how much of that is because he wants to be with me and how much is because he misses the DCs, because communication is, what can best be described as "polite".
I do love DH but not in a romantic way anymore. I think that has been cooling gradually for years. We've been together for 17yrs and married for 7.
I'm a bit in limbo at present and have no idea what's going to happen.

i feel for you Impink. i think we are in a similar situation. I've been with my dh for 15years, married for 2yrs. I also love my dh.. but not as romantically as those first years.. what are you going to do ImPink?

Thks for your advise HappyWoman. the right solution will be try with our marriage. After all marriage isn't simple.. one has to work hard at it.. if that fails.. then.. but please understand it's not a switch.. it's so difficult... I'm in love with OM.

ImPink
It sounds as if you are not really sad about your marriage being in trouble.
Having been the wronged wife i can empathise with your h - it is not really important whether you are in contact with om but how much you are willing to do to show your h you want the marriage to work.

Of course checking up on you and contacting om is not good and i am sure he feels pretty bad about it too, but he is hurting and may not be thinking straight. His 'safe' world that he thought he had has gone.

Dont let pride get in the way - if you want your marriage to work i am afraid you are going to have to show him.

pbj, at the moment I really don't know what to do. I don't want to stay with DH "just for the children" as that would be very unfair on DH, I wouldn't want to get to a point where I just resented him. I don't think it would be fair on the DCs either, for the same reason.
The time I spent in contact with OM crystallised a lot of the discontent I'd been feeling at home anyway.
DH is a good man, works hard to provide for us and is a terrific Dad. But I feel he's neglected some of my wants and needs.
When we first got together, we had a really turbulent first few years. He was jealous of any male friends I had, was convinced I was too flirty and was likely to go off with any one of them at any time. Which I had no intention of doing. DH is the only man I have ever been completely faithful to, until recently, and even now, my marriage vows are intact. Ironic eh?
Also, he made no effort really to get to know any of my friends if he felt they'd nothing in common with him. Consequently, my social circle diminished by about two thirds within the first few years of our relationship. Case in point...I mentioned that one of my good friends was splitting up with her DH recently. He had no idea who I was talking about, despite the fact that we lived opposite her for nearly three years and our kids were at nursery together.
I did all the things that he was interested in, the things that I was interested in fell by the wayside.
He's made frequent comments about my weight over the years and digs about the amount and type of food I consume. My weight, apart from during pregnancy, has never been above 10.5 stone. I eat a normal amount of food as far as I'm concerned and I like stuff that stimulates the tastebuds. He however, regards food as an inconvenience that one must put up with and eats really bland things. (and he's referred to DD, in her hearing, as "chubby". She isn't!)
OM on the other hand, is so similar to me in tastes and interests, and humour and....oh, everything, that it's made me realise just how much I've missed the person I used to be.
I have told DH all this, during the last four or five weeks. He admits he's been "antisocial" and says he will "make an effort". But I'm inclined to think too little, too late.

HW, I'm really sorry, your sympathy for me may just vanish when I mention that OM is married.
I have no illusions that he and I could ever be together. A lot of the anger I felt at DH for trying to contact OM, was because I had explained about OM's situation and asked him not to contact him, as I did not want his DW to find out. His reply was that he "might be doing her a favour". I was not impressed.

So I'm going to hang here in limbo for a while longer, while the dust settles and the raw feelings numb a bit, while I try to work out whether I can make things work with DH.
I'll keep you posted.

ImPink.. i feel exactly the same. and I really don't know what to do. My DH is also a good man, and provides for me and dd.. but alot has been neglected emotionally. I'm just hating things he does.. he talks abt tits openly... how hot other women are on tv.. in front of me. It has even come to a point where I hate him just touching me. I too, have lost alot of friends.. as he isn't interested in who my friends are.. and when i do organise a get together.. my dh.. will say at the end how boring it was.. and wish he didn't go. I thoroughly enjoy my job, and the friends I have there.. he hates the fact that I enjoy my work.. and that I made so many friends. We too had a difficult time in the beginning when we were just going out.. and he was very jeolous.. but also.. I was so in love with him, and pursued him.. but his parents hated me then.. sorry to be jumping .. but I also found some porn he has recorded.. but haven't confronted him about it.
OM is also, very similar in most things I like, and character... if you believe in star signs.. we are the same star signs.

I understand what you are saying HappyW... but its so difficult... it saddens me that it has come to this point...until this day my DH has still not thanked me for giving him his precious dd...whereas eventhough dd is not OM's... OM has supported me, and takes a great interest (I know HappyW.. you are going to say he's saying the things I want to hear)

I'm also going to hang on and see what happens in our marriage...but it's hard to make an effort.. when dh isn't making an effort either.

I know this thread has been gone a long time but I just want to type to get my thoughts in order.

I haven't had contact with OM since June. I am going out in a couple of weeks and he is going to be there. I THINK I can cope with how I feel. I just feel I need to tell myself things by typing them.

I've had lots of therapy since I last saw him - not about him, but have talked a bit about him in sessions. At the time I did what I did I felt very discontented with myself/my life/my marriage. I had very low self-esteem and felt everything I was doing I was doing badly and nobody was impressed by me. I had problems in my family going on and issues being brought up from the past by it which I had tried to keep buried and be in denial about so I had a feeling of wanting to escape all the time. I wanted to escape from my house (be out all the time) and my feelings (by drinking a lot when I went out), and distract myself (OM did that). OM seemed impressed by me and made me feel temporarily better about myself in those moments we were 'together'. I was distracted from my problems by nice, intense (sexual) feelings and seemed to get addicted to feeling like that. He made me feel wanted which is something I have always craved/searched for. I accidentally fell in love with him but this is just a trick of brain chemicals designed to get people to reproduce. It is just a high, not meaningful and secure like my marriage. If I did something again I could reignite this illogical addiction then go through all the pain of it again! I don't want to even touch him at all, because I know that I find it impossible to stop once I start.

I had always had a bit of a compulsion to do naughty things with other men to get this feeling of being wanted (just went much further with OM). I didn't realise/think about the fact that those men didn't want ME for who I am, just my body as a piece of meat to use. So doing this doesn't 'work' anyway! I felt crap about myself after the thrill of each episode wore off and wrenched apart when OM realised we had gone too far and it couldn't/shouldn't carry on so he abruptly ended it. I crave to connect with people, and to connect with him and then be ripped away hurts me more than I think it would hurt 'normal' people because of my 'issues' (adoption then cold parents).

Well I am not that person any more, just reminding myself of that and reassuring myself that I won't feel a compulsion to touch him that I can't control. I DO feel contented with my life/marriage/self now which is a huge achievement for me and something I've never felt before. I don't want to go and damage what I've got by doing something stupid.

I have made a big effort to improve at being a mother and housewife and got over the loss of identity from giving up work (because I couldn't cope with everything mentally anymore). I now feel some pride in what I do and self esteem. I feel DH is more impressed by me than he was when I was a 'wreck'. I have done some really difficult things wrt my family and have confronted everything that happened to me as a child and said everything I want to say to them about what happened and how it made me feel and how my life has been affected. I have set boundaries with them which make me feel more in control so I have less of the feeling of wanting to escape generally and do escapist things. They no longer upset me because I won't let them (by having no expectations of them and getting what I need elsewhere because they are never going to change).

I am accepting more what I didn't have as a child and not trying to fill the hole/gap in myself/life by doing inappropriate things that don't work. I recognise that misbehaving with other men does not work in 'filling this gap' (sounds rude, not meant to). I understand that I have to look for what I need in the good relationships that I have and accept that the whole 'gap' may never be filled only mostly filled. Occasionally I have to let myself grieve a bit over this and then move on. Lots of people carry some sadness over something and mine isn't as bad as some! I accept that life is not perfect but it can still be very good. I felt I deserved everything to be perfect after being unlucky in my childhood but realise this is unrealistic and NOBODY'S life is perfect. Just because things are a bit shit occassionally doesn't mean I am going to be plunged back into the misery of how my life was once (this used to be an irrational fear I had).

I accept that my marriage isn't perfect but it is good, and I don't know anyone else who has a relationship I would rather have, which proves that the perfect image of a fantasy relationship I have is just a fantasy. I am looking at what I HAVE got rather than what I haven't. I know that if I was with OM it would be different to the one I'm in but not better so it wouldn't be worth hurting everyone for. OM doesn't want me anymore anyway and if he did I don't believe it would last because he is much younger than me and can't really know what he wants as he hasn't had one serious relationship yet!

I feel much better about my marriage now that I am not unrealistically expecting DH to make my life perfect and rescue me from everything and then feeling disappointed by him. I feel I can let go of things he has done which I was still negative towards him for because I recognise that I had a lot of repressed feelings to get out from the past and relatively small bad things he did triggered disproportionately big feelings from past events which made me think the things he did were REALLY bad. In reality they weren't.

I want OM to think well of me but he knows from what I've done that I am a lying cheating bitch! If I do something with him again he will still think this. I want him to think I'm good and I want him to respect me, not just my body. If I want him to respect me I have to have SELF respect and not just give myself to him physically because he is drunk and horny. I don't want to let anyone use me for sex as an object and not care about me again. How is that going to help my self esteem already damaged by childhood sexual abuse. I am starting to believe that people CAN want me for me without having to give them the incentive to want me by giving them my body or being extra 'interesting' by doing outrageous things to make people notice that I even exist. They do notice, it is just me who had a feeling of unimportance and non existence for years. How much attention do I need for reassurance that people care that I exist!!! I do have people in my life who treat me as important and I'm starting to relax and feel this is enough.

So now I understand all this, I will keep re-reading it to reassure myself that I can, and will, and want to, behave appropriately and without being embarrassing when I see him.

I spent most of last night having a conversation with someone in the same position as I was when I started this thread. Decided I should come back and update. I am still with my DH, but know I could equally have had a great life with OM. I have had to keep away from him to get over him and make my marriage work. i know there are other MNetters in the same situation. I'd say to them I know it hurts, but stay strong. Either leave your DH/DP or stay with him and be faithful. Not easy and for those of you who have never experienced it, please don't be too quick to judge.

wow.I have followed your story from the start.
Frankly amazed and very impressed at your resolve.

How often do you think about OM now?

Hi Jasper, the resolve is helped along by it not being easy to meet up as we live at opposite ends of the country.Thankfully! Not sure how strong I'd be otherwise so can't take too much credit.
I probably think about him most days, it doesn't take much to remind me about him, even tho it's 18 months since I last saw him. We do keep in touch, but just the occasional "hope you're ok" sort of way.

Many thanks to all for sharing on this thread, even if it is heartbreaking. If my dp had half the strength and unselfishness of most of those on this thread then me and the dcs would not be in the awful situation we are now, trying to piece together lives from a horrible betrayal and living with someone I now know is capable of unmeasurable selfishness against all of us. However, it has given me a good insight into what goes on and hopefully will help us get through it - even if things will sadly never be the same.

This thread has been going a long time I know (posted earlier on in it).

Am havingalittlewobble today. Hadn't been in touch with OM for about 9 months.

Decided to email him today - no real idea why - and it has bounced back so I think he doesn't work where he did any more.

Feeling a bit wobbly about it - it is better I don't be in touch at all, but felt it was my decision before. Now realising this really is it. Feel a little bit about it but determined to really try and put it all behind me.

I am going to be the devil's advocate here - probably because I am bitter and twisted about having met people who I really liked but not doing anything about it and feeeling angry.

Monogamy is totally overrated.There are countless, usually men, who are married with one or more lovers. People move in and out of marriages with increasing speed. In some religions being married to more than one person is the norm. I have come to the conclusion that monogamy is mostly to do with protecting the ego. In other words, if my partner REALLY loved me, then they wouldn't be interested in other people. OR, my partner is so in love with me that they would never be able to accept that I might be interested in anyone else. Both these thought-processes are to do with massaging one's own ego.

If you take the ego out of it the thought process would be: my partner has met someone else who they really like. It will make them miserable if they don't have a friendship/relationship with this person. I don't want them to be miserable and therefore I accept that they may want to pursue another relationship. This might possibly mean a change in the status of our own relationship.

But that's the point - you DON'T want a change in your relationship, which is why it is frowned upon (to say the least). People in affairs have less time to devote to their children as they are obsessed with something elsewhere. They may even spawn a second parallel family and neither will have a full time parent. Then there's the issue of transmitting disease. As for the issue of other religions, Islam for instance developed polygamy so women (who in Mohammed's day could not own property) could be 'taken on' and protected by another man in event of their husband's death. It wasn't about unbridled shagging at all.

Wildandfree - if you are happy sharing and sharing alike then that's up to you, so long as the person you are doing it with is not attached to a person who expects faithfulness from their partner. At the end of the day we all have a duty to avoid inflicting pain on others...

"we all have a duty to avoid inflicting pain on others... "

Yes - and sometimes that means allowing people to pursue other relationships - sometimes that might be while still married. Life is messy - why pretend otherwise. The bottom line is that many people who are married will meet other people during that course of the marriage that they like. It can make that person very miserable not to be able to get to know another person better. Why pretend otherwise?

"we all have duty to avoid inflicting pain on others".... I totally agree, and that was the whole point of starting this thread. Ironically tho I have found this all so painful and I didn't invite any of it...

I can see WildandFree's point of view, but don't share it, otherwise I wouldn't have struggled with the situation I found myself in. Hardest thing is, I'm still not over it and wonder if I ever will be. Fortunately, I still love my DH but have to live with the emotional betrayal and not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.

There is nothing wrong with having feelings for others whilst being married it is the deciet and lies that cause the pain.

If once you are married you find you have feelings for someone else you have a choice - as the op has/had. Forget your vows and persue your own desires at the expense of anyone elses feelings or make a decision to not hurt others.

Notabad - try not to dwell on the emotional betrayal - remember you have acted well through this and for that you should feel proud.

This is very thought provoking.

I'm not married, but I know someone who is and have had relationships before where my partner liked other people and I felt it was important they pursued at least a friendship with the other person rather than my preventing this...there are always things in you that one partner cannot fulfill, although I don't like the idea of a sexual extension to this.

The person I know seems very unhappily married, and constantly alludes to this. I enjoy his company but would stop short of becoming physically involved with him as I don't approve of sexual affairs and think they are rotten for all concerned - boundaries are very important and honesty is also crucial - nobody need be destroyed, or deceived. I would expect a sexual partner to maintain exclusivity and if they didn't want to be with me any longer, to show me enough respect to be honest about it before going ahead and being with someone else.

Likewise I wouldn't accept someone committed elsewhere, as my own partner, because it's horrible. Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with a person and that means you have to have respect and trust for them.

This is all really obvious to a lot of us, I'm just using this thread to clarify my own feelings really...however the difficulty might be in the emotional side of it.

For example the man I am talking about talks to me quite a lot, and I don't think he is talking a lot to his wife. They have children, and he is the one doing much of the childcare, as she works full time. I don't know if he is simply angry because he feels emasculated somehow, or whether she simply infuriates him in general. It's none of my business. But I like chatting with him and were there an opportunity to talk more deeply I would take it.

I cannot foresee us becoming entangled romantically because of the above, however emotionally I can see there is already a link and I guess that we could become close friends.

I don't know how wrong this would be. I'm lonely and so is he. As long as it didn't progress into constant or illicit contact, would this be stepping over a line?

After all were he a woman with a similarly unhappy marriage who wanted to spend time confiding in me, I'm sure it wouldn't be considered wrong but rather a supportive thing for her.

But I know there is probably a fine line because the question of mutual attraction comes into it.

wildandfree it sounds to me like you just shouldn't have got married, or that you should get divorced. Blaming someone else because they are somehow stopping you from having fun due to their (or societies) fairly normal expectations of marriage is a fairly peculiar way to look at things. It is worth noting that most often the people who have mistresses, affairs etc are men with tolerant wives who put up with it because they feel they have to, rarely because it makes them happy (and there is often a power issue, or a societal expectation that they do so).

Yes some people seem to be able to cope with open marriages, but they are the exception, not the norm. Feeling insecure about your partners affections is not a good way to build love and trust. And without love and trust you don't have a marriage.

My husband had an affair, are you really saying I should have celebrated that? And said "darling that's fine, go spend all our money, your time and care and affection" on some other woman, because of course my feelings, the stability of our family, the mental health of our children, why if I was concerned about that I'm obviously deeply selfish and massaging my ego. Sorry if I think that my dh should have been able to keep his prick in his trousers, for the sake of all he actually valued in life (which of course he realized long after, once he had recovered from the addiction of his affair).

Affairs screw so many people up, I think they are deeply hurtful to all those involved, including the philanderers. If you are unhappy in your relationship, then you should try and fix it, and if it is not fixable then you need to move on. Then go find your next bit of totty/true love. Not saying that is easy mind, but then doing the right thing as opposed to the easy thing often is very hard.

ImPink I think you are transposing your anger. You are the one who has behaved badly. You had no right to tell your dh not to contact your OH, and certainly no right to be angry that he did (why should he care about your OH's marriage - especially as the OH obviously didn't). Lots of people whose partners have affairs do not believe them about the extent of the affair (and usually they are quite right not to do so). It's a bit late to be worried about the impact on his wife, and she may well in any case have been just as aware of his infidelities as your dh obviously was. That state of suspecting but not knowing is one of the most horrible soul destroying parts of being cheated on.

My dh also thought his OW was the most perfect match/soul mate etc etc. It was a total escapist fantasy, and if you read up on affairs, they most frequently are. Otherwise they would lead somewhere, and most often they just don't.

They do however meet some need in your life, as TracksuitLover has said. If you want to learn and grow from your experiences you need to figure out why you felt the need to stray, and usually that's more to do with you than your dh's perceived deficiencies. Of course some relationships were just a bad idea, some people are not really that compatible, or grow apart too radically, but on the whole marriages fail because neither partner really puts in the effort to get through the hard/bad times. Good marriages involve long term support and effort to sustain them - I don't believe in soul mates, usually there are times when you are totally compatible, and times when it is a really big effort.

nonfeck - there is nothing wrong with having male friends but there can be a line that can be crossed. I think men find it hard to just be friends with women - and when you look at how children form relationships there is a real difference between the sexes.

I think the difference is when a friend and i discuss our partners and have a bit of a moan we know the boundaries and take it as that but when men and women moan about their parters to each other there seems to be a lack of support.

My h and ow were great friends for a long time and discussed home life together but instead of supporting each others marriage they had an affair. I think they both believed the other was in a loveless marriage - but that just wasnt true it was just a way of justifying what they were doing.

It is the lies that turn a friendship into an affair - whether sexual or emotional. And i do think there is blame on the ow who has an affair, she could so easily help to support the marriage instead of seeking to destroy it.

this is a thread from a man whose wife is having an affair He is in such pain. It's heartbreaking. Maybe see the damage it could do, and know that you couldn't put him through that?

I always feel really guilty before posting, because I know that lots of people on here have been hurt by their partners being unfaithful. However, I also need some help. It's almost 3 years since "OM" and I realised that had we met when single, we could have had a relationship. He loves his wife, I love my husband. We don't want to have an affair. But we both struggle with a strong attachment to each other. Have been trying to forget about it, but every now and then I get reminded. After so long, how do I move forward??

And every now and then us that have been through the pain of the affair still find it hard and find it comes up. I think that is life really - sorry to be blunt but just keep reminding yourself that you have moved forward and dont give in.

Iknow you're right Happy Woman. Please just understand that some of us go to hell and back trying to do the right thing by our loved ones xx