ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

Sad slappers is right.

notabadperson i understand how you feel, not as strong as you though and in great dilema whether to take this one step further

notabadperson, you have made a fantastic start to doing the right thing. good for you. stay strong

NABP I'd been thinking about this thread and here it is again.

Realised it is nearly 10 months since I last saw OM (although it was only seeing, and we didn't speak at all) and nearly 15 months since we met and talked.

I emailed him in the middle of April and he replied. Emailed him again a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't. I think I will email again, although yet again trying not to.

I still think of him, quite often. Still not sure if we ever were friends. I still find myself dreaming about it. It bothers me that I do, and that I am happy when I do.

I too am just getting this off my chest so to speak. And glad in a weird way to know that there's a few of us like this.

me too IdrisTheDragon, read and read this thread and all the responses good and bad, but until it happens to you you never know how you will feel. i myself was very harsh critic of friend in similar situation, and then i find myself in similar situation unable to walk away. crunch time is coming for me as this is a long distance thing but we have chance/opportunity/choice to have a few nights together .

I think I might be over it. Please god that he doesn't contact me otherwise I'm not sure it won't all re-surface. Good luck to all others in the same situation, I hope you can find the strength to break away, it's bloody hard but time does heal. Here's hoping I won't ever be returning to this thread, with heartfelt thanks to those who didn't judge and who supported.

good luck NABP, think you'll need it.

Coming up to a year since last seeing OM. Am almost over it, tho know it would go tits up if I saw him again. Don't feel you have to answer, Ijust have to post to keep me going sometimes.

Well done. I do feel for you because I know that nothing really makes it feel better. You can rationalise and find all the logic but there is still a pain in your heart which can only lessen by fading over time, which seems to take forever. Good luck x

well done NABP. Stay strong girl!

I haven't seem OM for over two months now, not spoken for five weeks. I have finally got over the wanting to text him etc. That never enters my head now, but sometimes I wish he would be. Although it is definitely best he doesn't!

Was sad that he let my birthday come and go without a word, but that I suppose was a definite moving on point.

But, I am worried about him. He has several social networking sites he uses and he hasn't logged onto them since we split. He used to go on every day....hopefully his computer has just broken.

anyone there who can help me through a wobble?

Has he contacted you? Are you feeling it all more intensely again? Are you ok with your DH?

Hi actingnormal. All ok with DH (believe me, have done some soul searching on that one) so just don't understand why I can't get over OM. Not seen him for 12 months, very little contact, but have been in touch re a mutual friend's situation recently. I thought I was over it but the feelings are just so close to the surface the whole time. Even tho I know nothing can ever come of it and I am focusing my energy on DH and family, it is emotionally exhausting not being able to get over it. What can I do?

Hey - notabadperson. I know how you are feeling, OM is never far from my thoughts and it has been 3 months since we had any contact at all. I put all of my energy into my DH and DC - and we are good at the moment. But it still hurts inside. I didn't want your last post to go unanswered,I don't have any answers and some days it takes every once of will power not to email or text him. But that is how is has to be. I don't think I will ever get over OM - but it was just one of those things.

((((hugs))))

xx

thanks Northumberlandlass. I don't think there is an answer, it'll just take time but was hoping I'd be over it by now.

Who knows how much time it will take. I don't talk to anyone in RL about what happened to me, I am ashamed in a way of how it all began and that I should of known better.

I have written 'our story' - it helped me work through feelings / why things happened. It is tucked away in a very safe place and whenever I feel like contacting him, i read it. It usually helps.

xxxx

I don't talk about it in Rl either, I guess this thread is my way of writing it all down. I read it when I need the strength, to remind me I just have to forget about it, no matter how long it takes. Thanks for listening and it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this

you're welcome honey. Anytime.

xxx

Maybe trying to forget and repressing it all could make it worse? Would it help to allow yourself once a day or once a week or however little you think you can cope with, to have a few minutes when you just type all your feelings, however stupid you think they sound onto your computer and then close the document without saving it. It helps you get your thoughts in order and get your feelings out a tiny bit.

It is a good idea, ActingNormal - The story I mentioned above, is added to occastionally. I put the date as well and it reminds me of how I felt at each point along the way. Like you say, lets out your feelings a bit.

xxx

hi notabadperson. You might remember me from the SlagAnon thread! I 'fell' into an affair with an ex from 14 years ago who I hadn't seen since and then bumped into just before Christmas. I had literally spent years pining for me and bumping into him again when he lived miles away seemed like fate.

He made me so happy. I was glowing when we were together. BUT, I love my DH and DC's. After a few months we both knew we had to end it. He couldn't share me and I couldn't do it to my family.

I haven't seen him for nearly four months now, haven't spoken to him for three months. He sent me a text a week ago. I didn't reply. The hardest thing ever, but at least I know he is still thinking about me.

I have recently found out I'm pregnant. I think it's final closure for me and OM. I know I can never see him again now. I still think about him, every day.

But my DH is a good man, he doesn't deserve it. I understand your wobbles, I have them too. When I'm sad I just want to call him up. But that would undo everything I've done over the past few months.

Take care, we can be strong.

Just feel like telling someone I must be feeling a lot more 'over' my OM because I have just deleted all but one of his texts from my phone. I used to keep them all and couldn't bring myself to delete them. It felt like some kind of link to him when it hurt so much to be separate.

I haven't contacted him for about 4 months and have been focussing on my DH and DCs and having therapy (for other things but have mentioned OM).

Going on the pill has helped as well as it has dampened my sex drive by about half and I don't feel like fantasising about OM constantly any more. I'm not focussing on sex in my marriage so much and it is helping to see all the other things that are good in my marriage.

The most important bit of enlightenment I had a while back is that DH wants me for who I am, not just for my body whereas with OM I am fairly sure it was mainly about sex on his part. DH has stayed with me so many years and through difficult times and long periods with no sex so this proves that he wants to be with me for who I am. I am noticing more and more the little things he does for me because he cares about me and appreciating him so much more.

I think what I did was all about trying to feel better about myself but it was the wrong way to do it. I've decided I won't have anyone use/abuse me ever again and I want people to want me for my true self who I am without me having to act like anything other than what I am. To have self respect I need to expect more for myself than I did.

I still feel some pangs of missing OM but it is lessening. This is about a year and a half after the beginning.

I couldn't feel the guilt before (couldn't feel much of anything for a while) but I really feel it now and sometimes terror that I could still be found out, DH could get so hurt and I could lose him. On the upside, my relationship with DH is better now than before OM.

Just needed to say all this to someone and if any of it is useful/reassuring to anyone that is also good.

Hey SlapDashMum,
I also admitted only yesterday that I feel guilty about my affair and that when he walked away to save his marriage, he saved mine aswell.
I haven't yet deleted texts / photos etc but I feel it isn't far away. The days when I think about him are now few.
Thanks for posting.

xxx

just wondered how are you doing nabp? still holding up?