ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

Irish you are too harsh. You can't always control your feelings. You can control what you do about them and the OP is doing this. It can be a very difficult struggle, you can't be glib about it.

Irish you are speaking from a place i used to be in, but what i keep finding out as i grow older is that none of us are 'ideal' we are all 'real'

somewhere on this read someone mentioned a book they read where it said - cheating happens whenever the partner who doesn't know is in a position where the would be hurt if they did know.

i haven't reached that situation yet, so feel like i am handling this in a sane mature way.

switching jobs is not an option. i work with my dh and its the best thing ever!

I don't think I'm being harsh at all. What is harsh, are the devastating effects an affair has on the cheaters family. Trust me.

Yes of course we are all real!

You can't have om. And if he really wanted you he would give up everything to have you.

FWIW, despite my recent experiences, I have understanding for the 'buzz' you're experiencing. I know you're trying to leave it at that and move on. I only wish xDP could post from his perspective. He lost everything and cries daily over us, is wracked with guilt and now has no idea what he was thinking at the time. All he knows now is that he threw us all away for nothing. Absolutely nothing in comparison to all we shared and the love we had and still (painfully) have for each other. But there's no going back and I feel more damaged than I can express. For me it has been an incredibly abusive experience. For him it has been near suicide.

Put all that energy into livelying up your relationships! It can be done. Good luck.

Irisheyes, surely the whole point of this thread is that the OP and others like her are trying to walk away from a potential affair, when the easy option would be to actually have an affair? How can you dislike someone for having incontrollable feelings when they are trying to control what they are doing about it? I agree that you were harsh.

Irish- life is not black and white, no matter how much you'd like it to be. Try a little humility-and don't be so quick to condemn.

When you are older and have lived a bit more, you will understand that we have no control over our emotions some times- no matter what our heads say!

Don't judge- you might be in the same place yourself one day.

irisheyes - your post is mean and unhelpfull.

notabadperson is proving that she is a good person but to what cost to her sanity? Your husband must know deep down that something is not quite right between you?

notabadperson, I am sure you really are notabadperson at heart. No one chooses who they fall for, and simply being in a sexually exclusive relationship isn't a vaccine against the odd intense crush. You're in grave danger of doing a really damaging thing though.

I fully understand that feeling when you're head over heels in love with someone. It's all-consuming. I think in some camps it is called the "intoxication stage" of a relationship - because that is what it is: a drug. You are drugged at the moment, on this man, and these intense feelings are very unlikely to last.

Because you love and seem mostly happy with your partner, I would strongly urge you to end this "friendship". Really, truly, you will be doing you and so many others a favour: your conscience, your own future, your husband's and children's and this other man's family's future will all come out so much better for it. One person's fleeting hedonism isn't worth obliterating the happiness of two families for. I know. Going through a separation is proving to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Witnessing the pain and bewilderment of my son is truly heartbreaking, and looking ahead to missed/shared birthdays and Christmases and big chunks of time without my DS (3) is at times very bleak.

Splash your face with cold water and watch some politics on TV or something equally unsexy. Believe me, while there's still love, trust and happiness at home, this fling is not worth it.

It's a year since we realised we could be more than friends. Both still want to be with our DH/DWs and still keeping away from each other. What I can't understand is why, a year on, we can't break completely free. Please don't feel you have to respond, just needed to get this out.

This post is possibly the most unhelpful, irrelevant load of gibberish.....

Carl Jung's theory of anima/animus purports that the intensely passionate love affair, physical or not, is a subconcious response to meeting someone who embodies our 'inner other self', - a feminine 'anima' for a man, the woman a masculine 'animus'. The anima is the 'femme fatale' figure, the animus the Byronic, Heathcliffe'type figure, with all the connotations of forbidden,suffering love and intense attraction. But just an illusion, the image you have of the other person is not real, but your projection.

The love you have for your husband, is, according to Jung, real love based on wisdom.

As you can probably tell, I am not a psycologist, but have been reading about it as this was a popular theme with the PreRaphaelites. I like this theory though, my own experiences seem to uphold it.

There is plenty on the internet to elaborate on this rather simplistic posting..

I have been reading your posts and am full of admiration for your strength and love for your family.

Apollinare, not gibberish, think I get it and think it makes sense. Will read more about it.... feel guilty when people talk about my strength because I'm sure part of it is that it's almost impossible for me to meet up with OM. Not sure I'd be so strong if it was easier!

Notabadperson - not sure if you have told your dh about your feelings - if not could this be somethig you could do?

Another thread about the devastation caused by affairs has just raised the question as whether if men could 'tell' someone about what they were doing it would make it more real and possibly less likely to happen. So i was wondering if you are keeping those feeling going because you havent shared them with anyone close to you in real life - except the om?

I do have crushes on other people and i know my dh understands that - we are only human, but i could imagine the guilt if i really wanted to take it further - but i still think i would tell him.

Sorry if you have already and this is irrelivant.

happywoman, no,I haven't spoken to DH about it. We are really close and talk about most things, but if i were to tell him how I have been feeling about OM for best part of a year, I might as well have had an affair. DH would be gutted and I don't think our relationship would ever be the same again. I know I just have to pull myself together and forget about it, just find it really, really hard. Can talk to OM about it, but that just makes us closer, so counter productive! I have to turn to MN in my weaker moments and thank you all for helping me here.

i definately would NOT tell your husband ever - as you say if you do he will be devastated - i think people tell their dp's about affairs for their own sakes to ease their concience as it is soooo hard to live with a secret so big and heavy on their hearts.
you are doing so well - keep strong x

was on the train last week, heard someone who is clearly married (according to other calls she made) and having an affair practically begging her OM to spend some time with her (a whole carriage of passengers squirmed, she wasn't exactly quiet or tactful about it). It was really sad and a timely reminder that these relationships have nowhere to go other than heartache. Am still struggling, but just wanted to post this story cos I know there are lots of us in similar situations. Hearing someone else being so desperate that they could beg OM to come see her in a carriage full of people made me think "what a sad slapper" then reminded myself that, actually no worse than me. I just can't believe that a year on i still can't put this completely behind me.

Am not asking anyone to respond to this. Am just posting for my own sanity.
9 months since I last saw OM. Have focused on putting energy into my marriage (which wasn't broken in the first place), and it is as strong as ever. So why can't I get OM out of my mind? Surely enough time has gone by to get over him? Am so angry and disappointed with myself that I can't get over this.

Hi NABP,

I've never posted before on this thread, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and have often checked how you are doing in order to steal myself.

Have you seen the film 'Eternal Brightness of the Spotless Mind'? I would be straight off to that clinic if I could.

I hope things get better for you soon.

ESC

HI Evensaddercow. Thanks for posting, and reading between the lines perhaps you know where I'm coming from? No, I haven't seen that film, will check it out. Hope you're ok.

I haven't read all your posts- can you update?

I really feel for you- I have OM as a friend- we were engaged yrs back- I think about him every day and wish I could turn the clock back and change things. I have a DH who loves me and I love him, but not in the same way as the OM.

9 months is nothing- I have been like this for years and years.

I don't know the answer for you- you either accept that you CANNOT HAVE HIM- and refuse to dwell on it, or you both make the break and go for it.

Hi Girlnextdoor, don't want to say too much that might identify either me or OM.... Bottom line is we've known each other for about 8 years and have always got on extremely well as friends. About 14 months ago, we realised that had we both been single, there'd probably have been a future for us. But we have both been married a long time. We are both happily married. We are both horrified that we could even look at someone else and both want to stay married to our respective partners. Yet both struggling because we know that another time, another place, we'd have been good together. I've broken off all contact with him because just talking about all of this was making us closer. hence needing to come back and post on MN every now and then but trying to keep it to a minimum. Luckily we don't live/work in the same place so it's easier than it might have been to keep away. Even now can't believe I'm in this situation.

Whilst I agree it would be incredibly hurtful to tell your DH when you have had these feelings for so long, for anyone else at the beginning of such a situation if you can share your feelings before they develop with your DH it might save a lot of hurt (and your marriage) further down the line.

You have to. It's simple. But it's not easy. And be prepared for it to carry on being hard for a long time.

I started an 'emotional affair' (hate that term but it fits) at work many years ago. I fell in love with him totally. I left my job partly to put a stop to something that was getting out of hand. And I thought that was it. Until I went to a leaving party for a colleague and my chap was there (unexpectedly as he was supposed to be in the US). I'm ashamed to say that the inevitable happened - I simply wasn't prepared for seeing him again. So I had to do the hard work all over again - with the added burden of guilt.

Nothing to do with emotions is ever simple and I don't judge anyone for that very reason.

Thanks for the update. I have no answers for you- all I can say is that i have been there, and it is very painful. My situation is even worse, in that we have known each other for over 30 years- we split because we felt too young- or rather he did. We had chances later in life when he was free but I wasn't and couldn't leave my relationship. I will always love him. I haven't been able to stop the contact altogether. That doesn't mean I can't love anyone else though. it just means I can only live with one of them.

You have just got to live one day at a time. OR youh ave to decide to go for it and accept that there will be pain. Life is too short if it what you really both want. Sorry- that's not helpful. There is no answer. it is a sad fact of life that we can't always have what we want- unless we cause others pain.

Well, now 10 months since I last saw OM, and probably 3 months since we last had any contact. Still feel guilty about feelings I had (and probably still have) for him, and if I'm honest still very sad there is no future for us. Not looking for responses, just getting latest thoughts of my chest.

Hi - I'm with you, but I'm only one or two months in. I'm okay, have bad days and good days. Just trying to keep busy...and strong!

Sorry can't offer any advice, just wanted to let you know I know where you're coming from x