ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

oh i know that only too well. If they truly are your loved ones you will never want to hurt them.

I understand falling out of love and feeling lust for someone else, but i just dont understand why anyone would do something that they know would cause pain and hurt to someone else (and especially if they say they are their loved ones).

Enjoy your fantasy about the om - but know it is just that - there is nothing wrong with that.

i haven't fallen out of love with DH and I haven't fallen in lust with OM. It's more complex than that. But realise I made a mistake coming back to this thread so will end it here.

NotBad, I know you feel 'got at' but what HappyWoman said can help I think - accepting that it will hurt every now and then and that it is a normal part of life for most people that they have something that hurts them every now and then. It may be similar to your situation, it may be the pain from being cheated on, pain from losing someone, pain from difficult memories of a traumatic event etc. I do think that most people have something that hurts them sometimes and it does help to know it is not just you and it is fairly normal. Life hurts sometimes, life is not perfect but there can be lots of good bits worth living for. Expecting life to be perfect is what causes additional unnecessary pain.

Accepting it means that you can 'relax' from trying to find a solution to it - which will only prolong the pain I think. Ride each bit of pain out until it passes. The pain isn't a signal that you should do the things you feel are morally wrong. You would feel more pain, and others would to, if you did. You know you are taking the route of less pain to all concerned. I can understand that you sometimes would like encouragement to stay strong.

notabadperson ,
can i ask if your relationship with this other guy was physical?

Is monogamy really such a great idea? Seriously, look at the number of divorces (they didn't stick with their marriage vows did they??) people who are unhappily married, people who scared of committing themselves because they want to avoid the precise situation that occurs when you are in a long term relationship and meet someone else you like.

AcingNormal and HappyWoman, you are absolutely right and your posts are helpful. Many thanks. I don't want to hurt anyone, that's why I haven't done the easy thing and had an affair. I don't understand why I can't leave it behind and get over it,but perhaps you're right, I just have to accept it will be like this sometimes and perhaps one day it will just go away. I don't see OM, so nothing is "feeding" it. Candyfluff, it's the emotional attachment and guilt associated with feeling like this that is bothering me.

wildandfree, that has been suggested before. However, I believe in monogamy. I don't see how DH and I can have the kind of relationship we both want otherwise.

Most people want monogamy because they want to feel secure in the knowledge that they have someone who is there for them and will remain there for them. We like to feel that we have a continuing source of love and comfort and companionship to fall back on when we need it, then we feel 'safe' and relaxed enough to go off and do our own thing and then come back to our partners.

If you have said they are allowed to go off and shag whoever they like there is always a risk that they will develop feelings for another person which are strong enough for them to want to be with them instead of you. Developing any feelings for someone else, even if it isn't as strong as how you feel about the original relationship, still diverts your attention away from your partner and they get less of you, maybe not physically less of you, but definitely less of you in spirit. You aren't all there if someone else is on your mind.

Some people feel strong enough to feel they don't need these things but I think they are a minority.

Notbad - i am not trying to make you feel worse but i think you know in your head is right but have not fully realised the impact an affair can have.

My daughter said to me the other day that one day she is going to find the ow and tell her exactly what she thinks of her. She knows that it was her father who should take the blame - but as my dd said , she can see his pain and he has actively done things to show how sorry he is. As far as my dd is concerned the ow has never had to face what she has done to my dd. I have heard that the ow is still suffering - and i have no doubt she is, but like i said i should think anyone who has been through an affair will have to live a long time without it being part of their lives.

What i am trying to show you is that it is not just your feelings that need to be thought about - there will be many innocent people hurt if you were to have an affair.

Monogomy may not be the answer for everyone - but secret lies and affairs certainly is not.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad just to give you a reality check.

just to be clear happy woman, I'm not having an affair, and I don't want to have an affair. The OM doesn't want to have an affair either. I just want to get over the feelings. The only answer is to keep away from him, which I am doing, and try to put all my energies into my marriage. Thanks for the support and good advice everyone.

I know you are not having an affair - in fact a few years ago i could have been in your position - i did walk away - and even now (and especially since h affair) i wonder what i would do if i met him again. It has been especially hard not to find and contact him on facebook and so i do understand your pain.
I probably once would have thought it nothing more than a bit of harmless fun.
Honestly though an affair can only lead to heartache for all involved in my experience and everyone else i know too.

Having feeling for someone else is not wrong - it is the actions of deceit and lies that are the most hurtful and difficult to understand.

It would be nuts to think that you only ever meet one person in your life that you find attractive and develop feelings for. But it's what you do when this happens and you are already in a relationship (especially with dcs) that separates the women from the silly girls.

Well done OP - I know it's not easy but there would have been pain either way you played it and I sincerely believe you have taken the option that will cause least damage all round.

Wildandfree - do you think that all the divorces and infidelity is the result of monogamy being wrong or people just being selfish? It's all very well for adults to run about shagging whoever they like, but to have a relationship involving kids, you have to give them some stability and I can't see how your worldview would support this?

have had a difficult couple of months..... can't get this whole thing out of my head even tho it's 2 whole years since I've seen OM. Why can't I get over it, even after all this time??

Do you think you secretly hope that he is feeling the same? Which makes you feel you are in some tragic love story and are with you h for the wrong reasons.

How about thinking the om actually feels relieved that you are out of his life - he has massive guilt that he almost ruined the lives of the people he really loves and cares about - his family. He feels a fool for even thinking there was anyone else who could love him the way his wife does.

That is what you should be thinking about your h - but you seem to want to wonder about the what ifs and if onlys instead of working on what you have - and if you really do love your h enough to give up this man then it should make you happy.

Have you had some counselling?

NABP - sorry to hear you are feeling down about things. Its a horrible feeling to miss someone special to you. You need to take strength in the fact that you have done the right thing for you and your family and that the feelings you have at the moment will ease in time.

You are going through a period of bereavement and your feelings will ebb and flow - sometimes you will feel bright and optimistic about the future, other times the feelings of loss and grief will overwhelm you and you will find it difficult to focus on the here and now. But the feeling will pass - you just need to trust it will.

You also need to accept that this will never go away completely - you will just think about it less over time. The situation with you and OM never played out to its natural conclusion - it was never resolved - and this is why it is so hard to move on. There is feeling of unfinished business and that makes it difficult to draw the line. I'm not talking about 'tragic love stories ' here - I think you have been very sensible and pragmatic in the way you have dealt with this - but its natural to have some regrets and thoughts of what might have been. Doesn't make you a bad person - just human.

I've been through similar and I found counselling useful - but I still have periods of intense pain about OM which come out of the blue and hit me like a train. The counselling doesn't make the pain go away - but it helps you to cope with it and understand it and that gives you a feeling of power and control which you can gain strength from.

thetattooedmagpie has said it all perfectly, it never goes away as its unfinished, immortalised almost, and it still hurts years down the line. It will ruin your relationship with your DH if you let it as it has the power to do so by its intensity alone. I still wonder one day if we will meet again and i still hear songs or see things that bring things flooding back and make me want to cry but remember why you did it and try to be strong. Focus on what you and Dh have together and remind yourself how far yo have come.

Have read this all the way through and feel for you NABP. I ve been with dh since i was 17 am now 43. He works away a lot so am on my own a bit. My dcs are 15 and 17. I thought me and dh were made for life but since the dcs were older have found myself with a lot of freedom met om and i think about him day and night.
Sounds awful but i feel like ive outgrown dh. I met him so young but then other people do that. Dh absolutely adores me but sometimes he is so over the top i feel smothered by it. OM isn't married, but has long term relationship his dcs are grown and gone. He wants leave her for me and says he would wait years to be with me whenever I am ready and I would love to but dont know if i could go through with it.
Dh loves me so much but I am not the woman he thinks i am. If he knew how I felt he would be devastated but I feel it is too late. I actually feel like just being on my own to clear my head and if the dcs were that little bit older I would move out for a bit. I have arranged for counselling as feel I am going mad but I honestly dont know where i will be in 2 years time and I hate myself for that. Feel sick with myself most of the time but i honestly dont feel like i love dh like he loves me anymore and that makes me so sad. OM has been unhappy for years, ihave known him for years but these feelings developed over time and they are so intense. I feel like dh deserves better than me now,if he only knew.

If you're still thinking about it like this 2 years down the line, you really have to deal with this more actively. You either need to go to counselling on your own, or you need to see him and figure out how you really still feel.

You can't keep hankering after someone else when you're married for years and years, it's not fair. You're supposed to love someone with an open heart, no? Or at least try to...
It happens to a lot of married people (it happened to me but I didn't do anything about it), but I think those feelings should be resolved within a few months. I'd say a year at the most.

If they're not, you have to sort it out, I just can't think it's healthy for you and your DH to have this elephant in the room. Don't you worry you will sleeptalk?!

I do feel for you. But then also a bit jealous that you have two nice men so crazy about you when I have none!

I think there is a limit to how much one can "work on a marriage". If the feelings are not there, or have changed to a large extent, then perhaps it is time to consider other options? Marriage is not supposed to be a life sentence.

You are only responsible for your feelings - not for anyone else's. Your husband is responsible for HIS feelings - you are not.

Not sure what I am trying to say, but, I would look at options .....

thanks everyone... as ever great advice & support. The TattoedMagpie touched on something which I have began to realise is a main part of the problem, there was never any real closure, from an emotional pov. There was an end, in that we both knew it couldn't go anywhere, hence very little contact and not seeing each other at all. But if we had been single, it might not have gone anywhere anyway, I could have had a good cry and got over it. Not hoping for any relationship with him here, I just want the feelings to go away completely, and I imagine he is well and truly over it. Maybe counselling would help, not sure I have the guts for that. Thanks for listening, lots of things to think about in your posts.

notabadperson - are you still in contact with this man via text?

If so, why?

You say that nothing is 'feeding it', but in my opinion, contact via text/email is a very powerful means of communication. You've got this secret with this man, and nobody in RL knows but the two of you. You sound very sensible in all that you say (I've just read through the whole topic) but I think that even if you still just send the occasional text, that's terribly silly of you and as a result you're not giving yourself the best chance to enjoy your marriage and be emotionally faithful to your husband.

Cut all contact forever, or you'll never get over it.

think to yourself - why would you want a relationship with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else more. That is the fact of the matter.
I know you like to think of 'another time, another place' but we do only have one life and lets face it you are not important enough (or him for you) to even put yourselves out to be together - that is not true love.

Enjoy your fantasy - because that is all it is.

But i dont know why it is still hurting though.

' lets face it you are not important enough (or him for you) to even put yourselves out to be together - that is not true love. '

I think that's a bit too simplisitic. People stay in relationships and marriages for all sorts of reasons - love is an important reason, but its not the only reason.

Surely attachment is what keeps people together on a long term basis. Its a powerful human emotion, but it can exist without love - as posts on these forums frequently demonstrate. Obviously, its better all round if love and attachment co-exist but this isn't always the case.

Personally I think the 'love conquers all' theory is a bit Mills and Boon - life is more complicated than that.

NABP - to me it seems you are under no illusions that life with OM would have been perfect and freely acknowledges that it may amounted to nothing. Your sadness and regret seem to stem from the fact that you're not in a position to find out - to see if the fantasy could indeed be made into a reality. Isn't that what everyone wants to find out when they meet someone who they find deeply attractive ?

Two years ago when this thread started I'd never have thought I'd be posting about an afair; but I've devoured this thread today (to a point!) as now I too find myself in OP's position.

The OM in my case has been a close friend for years and recently made a very serious declaration to me. It was out of the blue; I was standing there and he just blurted 'it' (the l word) out. I'd never so much as batted my eyelids at another man (I've been married for 6 yrs), and I was totally floored.

Since then I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking of the OM. We have exchanged text messages and the attraction between us is pretty strong. The usual story I'm afraid: Have a lovely DH but he doesn't connect with me as well as OM and is not as much as a soul mate.

I'm now determined to make the break as it's interrupting my life. I'm ashamed of myself: how I'm letting this get in the way of me focusing on my children and my DH. I go around in a dream world half of the time now. I feel a bit angry about it all really: Why did he have to say it? Why do I react like this? Why can't I be stronger?

I did post on MN and got a complete grilling a couple of months ago. One post stuck in my mind. It went something like 'you must be a complete twat if you're willing to foresake a good family life every time you get a wet gusset because of some man.' It repulsed me at the time, but funnily enough it really hit home.

And so the world keeps turning... No doubt another MNer will be in the same situation before they know it and the saga of life and love continues.

Keep strong. Don't let us loose the quality of these early family years to what is really just greener grass type stuff. It's really hard, but I can't look back in years to come and know that I threw away good years pining over another man. My feelings for him are not to be underestimated (I've planned my divorce and everything..), but all in all unless you are truely married to the wrong man, then it's best to make the most out of what you have I reckon.