Friend wants space

[Spaceyspacey]

Hi. I hope you’re all okay at this crazy time.

So, I had some issues with my friend for years but I loved her & they melted away when I would see her; so I never brought any of it up with her. It all came to a head recently when she pushed me to find out what was wrong and I told her. We had a long painful conversation with tough moments. I said more than I’ve ever said because it had built up in me. However, by the time the conversation was over, we were talking about normal things again & having a laugh. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to say again and again.

I didn’t hear from her for two months after that, so I texted her & detected distance. I asked if she was angry with me. She replied days later saying she needed space. I replied saying I didn’t know she wanted space or that she was upset but that I’ll honour her request.

I’m upset! It’s her birthday tomorrow & I don’t know if I should contact her.

I’m really disappointed. I feel like I’ve been cast aside at the first sign of difficulty. That was our first argument ever.

Any kind or helpful thoughts on this? Anyone been in this situation? This is probably the end, eh? Should I text her for her birthday tomorrow?

Just because YOU (all about you isn't it) had more time for "self-care" pre-children doesn't mean that anyone else without children has the same.

People with kids have less free time than people with them, unless they e.g.have an incredibly demanding career of are a carer for someone else, or do extensive voluntary work, or dedicate a lot of time to time consuming hobbies etc.

It's not a complicated calculation;

Work plus house work plus look after yourself Vs work plus housework plus look after yourself plus look after one or more than one other person full-time.

Some people just love.to get at an op a d argue for the sake of arguing.

all about you isn't it

To the contrary it sounds like it's all
about her (ex) mate.
Who sounds self absorbed, hypocritical and not great friend material.

Thanks @GilbertMarkham
That's all I was trying to say. I know her life well and I know she was WAY more time than I have and I know I once had all that time pre-kids. I wish I had used it better!

@moonset
I'm sorry for saying 'what a horrible horrible person you must be.' I don't know you and I shouldn't write things like that. You could be lovely but for some reason you seem riled by me (even though you don't know me either). Your tone just really got to me and made me feel like I was being kicked while I was down. This isn't an easy time for any of us and best wishes to you.

Op some "friends" are the type who you check in with abd perhaps do something once in a while if it suits you both.

They don't make you a priority and you shouldn't make them a priority.

Tbh of it was me she dropped out of convo with or didn'tt reply for ages to. I'd have just done the sane to her. Yes the friendship would've degraded a bit but sure it's gone that way anyway.

I often find these types are super keen when single but put you very very low priority when in a couple too.

You could be lovely

Doubt it.

@GilbertMarkham

I know. I wish I had done what you said above. Why did I feel the need to be so open and honest about the whole thing? Why didn't I just let the friendship degrade, like you say? I'm annoyed at myself over that to be honest but I can't change what I've done. All I've done is highlight a flaw to her which she has made clear on Facebook she's working on...just not with me! I've realised the friendship is over for me.

I think what made it so hard to be casual is that when I'd see her, she'd spill her most intimate details and tell me I was her closest friends etc. Every time I left her, I'd think 'it'll be different this time' and then the same pattern would start all over again.

Why am I so cut up over this? I have so much going on in my life with my kids and job but this is just really getting to me.

I’d send this.
Happy birthday
How are you? Iv missed you,can I call you later for a long over due catch up?

If you don’t get a reply or she is cold then walk away she’s not worthy of you. This happened to me 3 years ago I was so hurt now if she contacted me I wouldn’t want to no. 😕

Thanks @Lifeisconfusing

You mightn't have caught up on the thread. Her birthday came and went and I sent her a text. We spoke on the phone and she let me have it in a big way but also told me she thought I was lovely but blamed everything that went wrong in our entire friendship on me. I've thought about it a lot and don't want to be friends anymore either but it's her wife, Claire (my childhood friend) who I'm concerned about. I don't want to lose her too.

@moonset you sound awful and you sound like you’ve got deep rooted issues to be so angry and mean to a stranger.

@Spaceyspacey walk away and don’t look back. I seen my ex bf in a shop few weeks ago. She tried to give me abit of conversation other than hello but I just said hi and walked on,I really don’t like her anymore she hurt me a lot.

Why did I feel the need to be so open and honest about the whole thing? Why didn't I just let the friendship degrade, like you say?

I've done very similar with an ex mate. That's why I was able to write that, with about ten yrs perspective .

(In her case she disappeared when she got into a steady relationship (I had not) a d couldn't tolerate/offer any support to me when I was unhappy in a relationship, even though she was happy to talk at length about he'd own relationship issues before she hit involved with her now do. My verbal vomit moment came a couple of yrs after she disappeared when she contacted me because she was thinking if ending her relationship and moving back to my area (and enquired if I was single or not just to make it even more obvious). I cracked and expressed my grievances, she apologised, made excuses and dirt if disappeared again (never broke up with do) but there was a real pall over our (former) friendship. We've had no further contact, bar being Facebook "friends".

I wish I'd said nothing, we could have been on.much more civil fun terms for what minimal distant contact we would have had. She is what she is (her FB posts are still mostly very self absorbed) I wasbt going to change her and I shouldnt even wasted my time and caused the unpleasant pall/memory. Looking back it was my insecurity in a way, if I was secure & mature enough, I'd have been able to say what I said here "she is what she is, she's only capable of limited friendship esp if you're not in the same place as her in v similar circumstances" etc. and not bothered myself about it.

You're human, stop beating yourself up.

@Spaceyspacey you might have to loose her wife unfortunately as her wife is going to take her side. Move on make a new friend. I’m 35 now and I decided last year as wasn’t going to be a door mat I was sick of chasing people and it all being on there terms!! 😏

Sorry,just to clarify that "I had not" didn't mean I hadn't gotten into a steady relationship; I had, before her. I had'nt dropped her is what I mean.

You've been honest with her. So, while you've had time to gather/process all those negative experiences over time. She hasn't, she may just feel crap at the minute or hurt.

When someone is honest about our behaviour, we dont accept it or we go into defence mode. We need the time to go through the emotions. I sense this maybe what your friend is doing.

I would send her a friendly message. An remind her you care. That's all. Give her time. I know it maybe awful from your view but she needs a bit of time.

OP I mean this kindly, but I think you need to step back and leave them both alone. This is related to your second question about the wife but also links in with the initial problem.

You previously said: I feel all her other friends will benefit from my honest (& I know difficult to hear) feedback
If you believe this, then surely you can see that people who don't agree with you are not necessarily doing it to be mean to you, they're trying to help by offering another perspective. Please take my post in this way.

I have experienced this (I was your friend). I do take a few days to reply to texts. I wasn't aware I was on a deadline. I don't get annoyed when others take a while to respond to me, because it's up to them when they respond. But I do try to make sure I respond.

In my situation my friend unloaded all the things I was doing wrong and how she expected me to behave in future. I apologised at the time because I was so blindsided and put on the spot. We parted amicably. But later I was extremely upset and my DP obviously saw that.

I have since made up with my friend, although I'll be honest and say I'm not interested in a closer relationship any more and I probably have stepped back. My DP on the other hand does not forgive as easily, sticks up for me way more than I stick up for myself, and actively dislikes my friend.

I understand that you were childhood friends with the wife, but my DP and my friend were also childhood friends, way before I knew my DP. My DP's loyalty is still to me, which is understandable. If you push for a relationship with the wife even though your friend has mostly cut contact, you are putting her in a really awkward position for her marriage.

I think you need to leave them both alone, try to move on, and focus on your other friendships/relationships. Good luck

Thanks @GilbertMarkham
It's reassuring to know exactly what I mean so and you also regret being honest! We're always told to be honest but it really is not always for the best, innit! I know I want to walk away from this friendship but it's hard. I've given a lot to it and now it's just gone. I think I'm grieving.

@Lifeisconfusing
That's probably the dose of reality I need to hear. I might not lose her wife immediately but it's pretty sure it'll all fall away as time goes by and I'll just see her at weddings, other people's occasions and whatnot. Maybe I'll be happier. I've been listening to their woes for so long now and I can't handle it anymore.

@Oxfordnono12
You don't sound awful at all. She's had four months of time already and had two months before I even contacted her but you're right. The thing is, I think I've realised I'm out now. She said some pretty horrible stuff on the phone and took no responsibility whatsoever even though I apologised over and over again. A simple 'sorry, I can be so shit at texting' would have done the trick but she couldn't even muster that. So, I don't think this friendship is good for me. I can't be in a friendship where I have to take ALL the responsibility for everything. I deeply regret saying anything and maybe I'll learn to never do that again in the future and to just walk away instead!

I still wish I could keep my long friendship with her wife but that's unlikely to happen I guess.

Thanks @Bluebird3456

I'm perfectly open to other perspectives. It's the people who were hurling accusations at me without knowing the full facts that bothered me. Your post makes a lot of sense because you've been in this situation. The big difference between you and my friend is that you apologised. My friend did not...ever. However, I can see why you pulled back. There's a lot more going on in my situation though - I don't think you and your DP were regularly offloading about your marital problems on to your friend.

You're right though - we can't tell people how to behave and I f**ked up. The thing is there were texts that were never answered and she's the very one who would be bothered by that and has given out about others doing that and I've been biting my tongue for years when she does that. That's the rub. I have other mates who are crap with texting but they don't expect any better from others so it doesn't bother me coming from them. She does and that's what was so impossible to take.

I know you're saying I should concentrate on my other friendships and I know I should. I'm in a very stuck place right now and I don't know how to get out of it. It's on my mind all the time.

That's the problem. I know what I should do but I just don't know how to do it. Any advice, anyone?

still wish I could keep my long friendship with her wife but that's unlikely to happen I guess. sad

Not.A.Chance.

Wouldn't get into it.

She'll portray you to everyone as needy /oversensitive/demanding/a drama queen/shit stirrer/blah blah.

You Matt be able to keep a civil acquaintance if you say nothing.

*may

*It's on my mind all the time.

That's the problem. I know what I should do but I just don't know how to do it. Any advice, anyone?*

Do something challenging that takes loads of concentration, learn a new skill .. use YouTube for example

Or read a really absorbing book.

If something breaks the cycle of thinking about it, you can build on that.

(Also watching a really absorbing film or TV series).

Btw i don't mean using YouTube is a new skill 😂, I mean there are loads of skills to learn on there.

Ultimately, I wouldn't want to listen to a load of my faults from a friend. It's just not what friendships are to me, they are a great support but also fun and also a choice, not something we have to do, so I wouldn't want to be told off by a friend. I cut my friends a lot of slack but equally I wouldn't want them to criticise if I was slow to reply. She just doesn't want to be friends any more, there's nothing you can do.

Hi Nearly. This really resonated for me. I feel the same. I think OP meant well but the being distant in texts and then replying 'yeah' when friend asked about this is kind of hard work. I would expect a friend to just tell me - kind of near the time - if something happened which was a big enough deal that they couldn't let it go. A good friend did just that once and it was awkward but fine. If you go 'distant' that is very passive and makes the other person either have to work to get at what the issue is or carry on wondering what is up. I think I may be in a minority here but I can't understand the issue with taking few days to reply to texts. I do it all the time and people do it to me. Text is something you reply to when you can IMHO and if people want more urgent contact they call you.

I'm interested that OP also said they the friend kept making excuses. I think explaining the reasons is perhaps what went on? Often when people say others are 'making excuses' it means that they don't like the reasons being given if that makes sense. I think OP is feeling a little insecure in the relationship and there is a mis-match between how she manages contact and how the friend does but I can also see why the friend is needing some time. The advice to send a low key birthday text I think is sound if the OP wants to continue this relationship.